The morning sun of Konoha didn't "filter majestically" into Kenji Sato's room. It just glared rudely through the cracks of the cheap, rot-infested wooden shutters, highlighting the absolute state of his existence.
The apartment was a mess. It was the kind of room that screamed 'depressingly bachelor,' but without the excuse of a mid-life crisis. Dust coated everything—the piles of torn scroll fragments, the pyramid of empty instant ramen bowls (the cheap off-brand kind that tasted like cardboard and sadness), and a single, slightly crusty mattress on the floor.
Kenji Sato sat up on that mattress, scratching his stomach.
He was six years old. He had big, innocent brown eyes, messy black hair, and a face that the neighborhood aunties constantly pinched while calling him "adorable."
But the thoughts rattling around inside that adorable head were anything but wholesome.
If there is a God of Transmigration, Kenji thought, staring at a water stain on the ceiling that looked suspiciously like a butt, I want to find him, look him in the eye, and kick him squarely in the balls.
"Six years," Kenji whispered, his voice high and squeaky. He frowned and cleared his throat, trying to force his vocal cords to sound deeper. "Six. Damn. Years."
Kenji Sato wasn't just a random orphan. He was a transmigrator. In his previous life, he had been a thirty-year-old office worker who spent way too much money on gacha games and way too much time reading questionable internet smut.
Then, he died. Truck-kun didn't even have the decency to send him to an Isekai harem fantasy. Instead, he woke up in the Naruto world.
He stood up and walked to the cracked mirror leaning against the wall. He inspected his reflection for the thousandth time.
No bulging veins around his eyes. No red spinning wheels in his irises. He pulled down the waistband of his boxers to check his stomach—no complex seal containing a chakra monster.
"Nothing," he groaned, flopping back onto the floor. "Where is my customer service? Where is my overpowered cheat? I didn't ask to be reborn as 'Civilian Orphan #45'!"
Living in the world of Naruto without a cheat was like playing Dark Souls naked with a broken controller. Kenji knew the timeline. He knew what was coming. First, a snake creep would crush the village. Then, a ginger guy with a god complex would nuke it. Then, a zombie ghost from the past would drop meteors on it.
And here he was, Kenji Sato. His only special talent so far was his ability to stare at the orphanage matron's chest for exactly 2.5 seconds—the safe limit before getting caught.
"Today is the day," he muttered.
Today was the day the plot effectively started. The Academy Entrance Exam results.
Knock. Knock.
Kenji froze. No one ever knocked. He was an orphan living on government welfare; his only visitors were loneliness and the occasional cockroach.
He walked over and opened the door. The hallway was empty. There was just a sealed envelope lying on the dusty doormat, bearing the red spiral crest of the village. The mailman hadn't even bothered to wait.
He picked it up, his small hands trembling.
It wasn't excitement. It was fear.
If he failed, he would be sent to work in the logistics corps or maybe a farm. He would be safe, boring, and alive. If he passed, he became a Genin—literal child soldiers trained to kill and be killed.
"But if I pass..." Kenji's eyes narrowed, a degenerate glint flashing in his pupils. "I can learn Jutsu. I can learn the Transformation Jutsu."
He clutched the envelope tighter.
"With the Transformation Jutsu, I don't need money. I don't need a girlfriend. The possibilities for... self-sustainment... are endless."
Taking a deep breath, he ripped the envelope open.
PASS.
The word was stamped in bold red ink.
"Great," Kenji sighed, a mix of relief and impending doom washing over him. "I'm officially a child soldier. Goodbye, peaceful life. Hello, childhood trauma."
He tossed the paper onto his pile of trash and looked up at the ceiling, raising his middle finger toward the heavens.
"Hey! God! Sage of Six Paths! Whoever threw me into this hellhole! If you don't give me a Golden Finger right now, I swear I'll find a way to haunt you! Give me a System! Give me a Library of Heaven's Path! Hell, I'll take a creepy Grandpa in a ring!"
Silence.
A fly buzzed near his ear. Somewhere outside, a dog barked at a cat. The world remained painfully normal.
Kenji's shoulders slumped. "Screw this. I'm going to go peek at the Hyuga compound. Maybe I'll see something good before Neji catches me and shuts down my nervous system."
[DING!]
The sound wasn't in the room. It wasn't a bell outside. It vibrated directly against his cerebral cortex, a sharp, digital chime that felt better than the first time he discovered Incognito Mode in his past life.
Kenji froze. His heart hammered against his small ribcage.
A blue, translucent screen flickered into existence, hovering directly over his dirty laundry pile.
[System Initializing...] [Scanning Host Compatibility...] [Compatibility: 100%]
"Yes! YES!" Kenji pumped his fist, nearly crying tears of joy. He jumped up and down on the tatami mats. "Finally! Daddy has arrived! Come on, give me the Wood Release! Give me the Rinnegan! Let me dominate this world!"
[Welcome to The Ero-Ninja Supremacy System.]
Kenji paused mid-jump. He landed awkwardly on one foot. "...The what?"
The text on the screen shifted, displaying his stats in brutal, glowing blue font.
[Host Profile]
Name: Kenji Sato
Title: The Closet Pervert
Reputation: Local Weirdo
Chakra: Pathetic (Rank E)
Dignity: Too High (Warning: Must be lowered to unlock skills)
Kenji stared at the screen. He blinked. He rubbed his eyes and looked again.
"Dignity... too high?"
He looked at the bottom of the screen where a flashing notification awaited him.
[Newbie Gift Pack Available.] [Open now to receive your first tool of conquest?]
"Okay," Kenji muttered, eyeing the 'Dignity' stat with suspicion. "Maybe the name is just a translation error. Open it."
The screen flashed gold. A virtual roulette wheel spun and stopped.
[Congratulations! You have received the Beginner's Gift Pack!]
Kenji reached out and touched the first sphere. It popped, revealing a small, worn leather manual.
[Reward 1: Active Skill - Steal (Level 1)]
Origin: KonoSuba World
Type: Space-Time Ninjutsu (dummied down)
Description: Allows the user to snatch one random object from a target within a 10-meter radius.
Mechanic: Success rate depends on the user's [Luck] stat versus the target's awareness.
System Note: A legendary skill used by a certain advocate of gender equality. While it can theoretically steal weapons or scrolls, statistical data suggests a 95% probability of targeting... undergarments or accessories.
Kenji stared at the manual. His mouth twitched. "Steal? That's actually... incredibly broken."
He thought about it tactically. In a high-speed ninja battle, if he could steal Zabuza's sword or a detonating tag right before it exploded, he would be invincible. But the note... 95% probability of targeting undergarments.
"If I use this on a bandit, I might save my life," Kenji muttered. "If I use this on a kunoichi in public, I'm going to jail. It's a double-edged sword."
He touched the second sphere. It dissolved into sparkles that rushed into his eyes, causing them to sting for a brief second.
[Reward 2: Passive Skill - Anatomy Scan (Rank E)]
Origin: Medical Ninjutsu Foundation
Type: Ocular Jutsu
Description: Grants the user detailed insight into the physical structure of a target.
Current Capabilities: Instantly measures Height, Weight, Muscle Density, and... Three Sizes (B-W-H).
System Note: Vital for medical treatment. Also vital for verifying if the rumors about the Fifth Hokage are true.
Kenji blinked, looking around the room. He focused on a poster of a generic anime pop-star on his wall. Numbers instantly floated next to her 2D image.
Height: 165cm. Bust: 88cm. Waist: 58cm.
"Useful," Kenji admitted, rubbing his chin. "If I ever become a medic, this is god-tier. I can see muscle density, which means I can tell how strong an enemy is before I fight them. The... other measurements are just a bonus. For science."
He touched the final sphere. A physical object dropped into his hand. It was a coil of wire, thin but incredibly durable.
[Reward 3: Item - Chakra-Conductive Binding Wire (High Grade)]
Origin: Ninja World
Type: Tool
Description: A spool of invisible, razor-thin wire infused with metal from the Land of Iron. It is highly conductive to chakra and nearly unbreakable by physical force.
System Note: Standard equipment for trapping enemies. Also excellent for... artistic binding sessions. The System recommends learning knots.
Kenji weighed the wire in his hand. This was real, dangerous ninja gear.
"Okay," Kenji exhaled, sitting back on his mattress. "This isn't trash. It's actually a solid starter kit."
He had a skill that could disarm (or undress) opponents, eyes that could analyze physical stats, and a weapon for traps and capture.