The bus stopped at its stand and I came out of the bus while looking at my phone. From here, the distance to my dorm is just 12 minutes by walking. I started walking while looking at my phone and scrolling Weibo as it's my usual thing to do, but suddenly I saw a picture of him posing with the bride and groom on the streets of Malaysia where he was doing his photoshoot. And wait a minute—what is written in the caption? Ooo, it's written that the bride and groom were passing from that way so Xu Yuan congratulated them and clicked the picture with them.
"How much cute my Xu Yuan," I said while smiling at his photo. But how, Zhao Shiza, how could you—my tongue slipped and I said it. Not my Xu Yuan. He is everyone's Xu Yuan, but not mine and never mine to say mine.
Battling with my own thoughts while walking on the road, suddenly I collided with a boy and my phone dropped on the ground. I bent down to grab it and then when I stood up, that boy said, "Sorry, sorry miss, are you ok?" in a quite worried tone. I smiled a little and said, "Yes, I am, it's okay, it's totally alright." Then when I started moving towards my way, that boy said, "Wait, miss." I turned around and said, "What happened?" The boy took a long pause as if he was gathering the courage to ask something. Then finally, after that long pause, he said, "Nothing, you can go." And then he went from there.
His behaviour is quite strange. I don't know what he wanted to ask but surely he wanted to ask something. But why didn't he ask it? I'm not getting it, but leave it, Zhao Shiza. There are many more things waiting for you to worry about, so don't bother with this one.
Then I reached the dorm, and the moment I entered the room, Wang Ruoxi was sitting at the study table using her laptop. She was looking hell serious, and trust me, I haven't seen her this serious since childhood. I put my bag down on the table and went towards Wang Ruoxi and asked, "What happened? Why are you looking so serious? Did you have breakup?" I asked in my very casual tone.
Then immediately she pinched my arm and said, "Zhao Shiza, stop cursing me, ok."
I said, "Ok, ok," while holding my arm where she pinched me. "Then tell me what are you really doing?" I asked.
She sighed sharply, moving her head, and said, "So listen if you really want to know this… all our professors said that we need to do an internship of 6 months in the coming months, and we don't need to attend classes. Our internship is the main thing this time. So I am finding firms and jobs here."
"Oooo," I said.
"What oooo?" she said. "Do find it for yourself also. And if you get it, then find it for me as well."
I sat on my bed and said, "But I don't think so I have to do this because I am currently doing the drama series shooting and I have already taken permission for that from the university, so I don't need to find job."
Wang Ruoxi turned around from her chair and gave me that dramatic expression she gives whenever she gets pissed off from me. Then she said, "What do you think, Miss Zhao Shiza? That I haven't asked this to the teachers? I already did, and they said you also have to do this internship."
"But how could I— I mean— I am—" I was about to say further but she cut it midway and said, "I know, I know. That's why they said that you can talk to the company wherever you will be going to do the internship. Ask them to allow you to do the work online. It will be quite easy for you then."
"Hm, that's cool. Then I also need to find it," I said while opening my phone to find one.
"Zhao Shiza," Wang Ruoxi said.
"Hm," I said, still looking at my phone.
"Just leave this project of your drama series. At the end of the day, it's going to hurt you only. Then what's the need of hurting yourself? Just get back to our normal life. We don't want any stardom. We are very happy as ordinary, normal, unnoticed human beings. We don't need fame. Just… just leave it and move forward."
I exhaled sharply and said, "Wang Ruoxi, I have already told you earlier, then why are you again starting this topic? I said it already that after completing this project, everything will naturally get normal. And don't worry, after the completion of this project also, I will remain the same ordinary, normal, unnoticed human being as you said. What do you think, hm? That suddenly I'll get lots of fans in the whole China and get filled with lots of new projects? Noo, just relax. Nothing like that gonna happen. Just after completing this drama series, me and my character… everything will get vanished. No one will ever remember it, no one. And then I'll come back to my normal routine life, okay?"
I smiled—a smile that shows thousands of pain—but still I put it on my face.
"Hm, you are right," she said. "Oooo tell me, how did your session go today? Did it work?"
"Tell me, Wang Ruoxi, how it will start working immediately? Good things take time," I said.
"Then what she said?" Wang Ruoxi asked.
"She said that I need to practice the breathing exercise—inhale and exhale—whenever I feel panic or get panic attack."
"This is cool," she said, then turned towards her laptop again.
Then suddenly a notification on WeChat popped up on my phone's screen. When I opened it, it showed that it's from Yang Lulu where she wrote that tomorrow we'll resume shooting and to come on time. Then the message ended.
I put the phone down on the bed and lay down and closed my eyes. But the moment I closed my eyes, his glorifying face came again in front of me. Then I opened them immediately and said to myself while rubbing my neck from the side, "No, no, no, not again. He can't come. Why don't you understand, Zhao Shiza? He is made for someone else, not you, not you. Don't feel like this. Don't. He already has his girlfriend with him. Think about it—that he kissed her so many times, and you are nowhere, not anywhere. Do you really want to become someone who becomes the villain and destroys the lead couple's relationship? No no, I am not the villain."
I said all this in a tone that didn't reach Wang Ruoxi, and I said to myself while placing my hand on my Mr. Heart and closing my eyes tightly, whispering like a prayer:
"Wherever Xu Yuan's happiness lies, my happiness lies. And his happiness lies in his girlfriend, in his love of life that he already found. And now I… I… I couldn't gather the courage to speak this, but I need to and I have to."
Then I gathered enough courage and said:
"I bless that couple. I bless Xu Yuan and his girlfriend a good fortune and a long, long, long healthy and happy life together. And I hope God will bless them with a baby girl who will be just like Xu Yuan—as charming as him—and that she must carry the warmth of her mother. And the three of them live happily together in their whole life.
"And I… I… I really hope that I'll get that much life where I'll be able to see his daughter at least, because I want to adore her just like him, just like Xu Yuan.
"And here I prayed for myself too… that I want to remain alone my whole life. I don't need anybody, not even anybody in this whole life, because I asked you, God, that please give me him, but you denied that request of mine. And I have already said it… that if it's not Xu Yuan… then I don't want it."
The tears started forming in my eyes but I controlled them from coming out.
"I'll get a job after this project. Then I'll earn something. Then I'll live alone like this. And someday watch the rain while sitting near the window and cherish all those memories of him that he has given me through his drama series. It's enough for me to spend my whole life cherishing it.
"And in future, definitely, I'll check his Weibo account daily, see his photos, videos, like it, and see how much he'll be happy with his family. And definitely till then I'll try to gather the courage to see all his upcoming dramas without getting jealous. Because now I can't see a video of him with another girl, but in future I surely will… and will live my life just like this.
"I can't fight with destiny and fate. It's already written before we are born. It can't be changed no matter how much I pray. All the prayers will go into dustbins. I need to learn to live like this and accept it as no choice is left for me.
"But as I say, Zhao Shiza's happiness lies in the happiness of her Xu Yuan. No matter if his happiness is with someone else. Really… not matter."
Have you ever seen someone stabbing a knife into their own Mr. Heart?
But I have seen it… as I am the one who is doing it now.
"I need to do this. Because if it's not now, then it's never. I need to make myself understand this. The faster I understand it, the more I'll be gentle to myself.
"Yes, you can. You will, Zhao Shiza. You are stronger than you think. You'll fight it back, come out of it stronger than ever. You will come out of this battle and win it. And if Zhao Shiza decides something, then she'll definitely do it. Definitely…"