This morning is something different in Shanghai. Today there is a little bit of sunlight giving just lukewarm vibes in this winter season. Then I booked the appointment and it's scheduled for 2:30 pm in the afternoon. I came near Wang Ruoxi and said, "Wang Ruoxi, wake up, we need to go back to our dorm. It's morning, wake up, Ruoxi."
She tilted her head slightly and said while opening one eye and keeping the other one closed, "Why so hurry, Zhao Shiza? Is there something important? We can go back at any time, and ain't you need to go to shooting today, hmm?"
Then I took a deep sigh and said, "No, Wang Ruoxi, Yang Lulu has messaged me on WeChat that today's shooting gets cancelled."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because… because xxxxuuuu…" I was trying to say, but Wang Ruoxi stopped me while waving her hand and said, "I got it. No need to utter it from your mouth. Your Xu Yuan must be busy with his work or commitments, right? Now then why are you waking me up when there is off today from your shooting?"
I hesitated to say it to her, but then I closed my eyes and gathered all the courage left inside me and said, "I need to go to the important appointment."
"Important appointment?" she asked shockingly. "Are you going to crack some business deal with that appointment?" she asked dramatically.
Then I said, "No, it's my appointment with psychiatrist."
"Psychiatrist? What, are you mad? Why are you going there?" she asked while sitting up on the bed.
"Wang Ruoxi, just relax, calm down. It's not what you are thinking. And first of all, visiting a psychiatrist is not a bad thing, it doesn't mean that the person is mad or mentally unstable. It's just that we go there when we need help, because they are there to help us, guide us. But thinking like everyone visiting a psychiatrist is mad person, it doesn't right. See, it's their profession to help us whenever we need them."
"But Zhao Shiza, why you need it? Is it because of…?" she asked.
"Yes, what you are thinking is right. The reason is that only," I said.
"But why did you want to go there?" she asked.
"Because I need their help. I want to… just leave it, let's go back to dorm," I said.
"Ok, just give me 5 minutes, I need to fresh n up myself," she said.
Then after reaching the dorm, Wang Ruoxi went to her classes and I left for my visit.
Then I reached the clinic. I entered it. The psychiatrist looks quite soft by her appearance. I hesitated first, then I sat on the chair in front of the table. The doctor lifted up her file and started writing something on it and then asked me, "What's your name?"
I said, "Zhao Shiza."
"Your age?" she asked.
"22," I said while looking down on the floor.
Then she closed the file and looked towards me through her glasses and asked, "Why are you here? Breakup or any…?"
"No, nothing like that. It's just… it's just that I… I… I—" Then I took a deep breath and said it in one flow, "I have fallen in love with someone but that person already has girlfriend and he is in deep love with his girlfriend and I… I don't want to ruin their relationship. And I need to stay away from that person but the moment he comes in front of me, I lose every bit of emotion in me and now it's hurting me, hurting me so hard that it's started affecting my health. And I… I want to forget that person and move in my life leaving him behind. I… I need your help, please help me, please." Tears start rolling down from my eyes.
"Who's that boy? A college crush?" she asked.
I hesitated a little then I said, "He is my celebrity crush."
The doctor, Doctor Wen, was left a little speechless after hearing my statement. Then she said, "How did you meet him? I mean meeting your celebrity crush, how's that possible?"
Then I wiped my tears with the back of my hands and said, "Actually I am recently doing a drama series with him. I auditioned for it in my university and then in that way we get in there."
Doctor Wen took a deep sigh and said, "You are 22 but behaving like a foolish teenager who got broke up with her boyfriend."
"I know, I know," I said to myself. "I know you won't understand me. No one understands me ever. I didn't know why I came here then." I said, "Doctor Wen, I want peace in my life. I want to be happy again. I want to smile from my Mr. Heart. Please, if you can then help me, I am in need."
Doctor Wen looked at me for 7 more seconds then she said, "Our time gets over for today's session. Come in next session, then we'll start proceeding further in this. Till then, if you get panic at any time or feel sad, then practice this exercise—inhale and exhale for 10 minutes. It surely will work."
I said, "xièxiè, Doctor Wen." Then I left the clinic and started walking on the road. Then I opened my Weibo—of course his account—while walking on the road, where I saw his new Weibo update where he is celebrating the Christmas party in Shanghai only, wearing that two-piece black suit with white plain shirt and his hairstyle is just… as always, amazing. Half-side, half-spike, just looking like a dream prince came out straight from the fairytale. And wearing these party masks on his face with his killer smile still makes my Mr. Heart flutters. But there are few girls dancing and walking around him and as usual I get jealous from them and press the back button on my phone and off it.
And after reaching the bus stop, just waiting for my bus to arrive, I started thinking that why… why did he have this much impact on me? Why he is my pain and my relief both at the same time? He is the one who gives me pain then he is the same one who heals it. It… it's just like he is carrying a poison for me in his one hand and in another hand carrying a medicine for me. Why… why this Xu Yuan? Why? Just… just leave, leave my thoughts, leave my Mr. Heart. Why you behave like you own my Mr. Heart? Why, why—?
Then my self-thoughts got broken by the bus horn.
The bus has arrived. I get inside the bus and sit on the window seat and start looking outside the window where everyone is smiling, enjoying with their loved ones. And I think… that why… why I am not able to smile and be happy like them?
"Don't blame anyone, Zhao Shiza. You are responsible for your own sadness. You are not going to put blame on others for your condition. You are responsible, only you. But I'll come out of this situation as well and I'll be alright. Nothing wrong will happen, nothing. Just try to look at the positivity, just positivity. I know your mind goes to negative side but please try to look to the positive side of it. Positive. Just positivity. Just a positive person." I smiled a little while saying it. "Yes, a positive. A positive. Just like my blood group, A positive. And I will be A positive person…"