I hope— I really hope— that there will be another life where we don't meet as an idol and a fangirl, but where we meet as two persons who belong to each other. Two equal persons where there will be no differences and no distances between us. I really don't know whether that life will ever exist or not, but God, please… please, if that life ever exists, then in that life make him mine and make me his. At least I can expect this from you now. I'm already suffering in this life; I don't want any other sufferings.
But I asked myself while wiping the tears from my eyes— why don't we get what we want? Why? Why do our heartfelt wishes never come true? I have never lived in a delusional world, but the pain this world is giving me… I really hope there is a delusional world somewhere, where even for just a few moments I can live the life I want, where I can live the life with him.
I know one day my love for him will fade away. I know this phase of my life will pass and I will forget you. But the thought of this is making me more scared, because if that happens— and I know it will, it definitely will— then I… I can't even think about living with someone else other than him. I can't think about that person— no, no… please. I am breaking.
I am Xu Yuan. Please come, hold me. I want you to hold me. Please, please take me. I am not able to handle this pain. I really am not.
And then a voice came from outside my blanket, saying, "Zhao Shiza, I'm going to the grocery store to buy some snacks. Do you want some?" Wang Ruoxi asked.
I nodded my head "no" under the blanket. I had been under the blanket for the past few hours, and Wang Ruoxi might be thinking that I was sleeping, but she didn't know what was going on inside me. She didn't.
Then she left the room. And the room became silent. Everything here became silent, just like my life— lonely, alone, and silent, just like the three functions of our phones.
Living alone is the best choice, but living with someone else— even the thought of it is scary. So, so scary.
As I say, "Love is neither wrong nor right." Love is love. We just need to feel it. Nothing in my love is wrong or right. It's just a pure feeling that happened. Some understand it and some don't— it totally depends on their views.
But in my love, the biggest disadvantage is that I fell in love with China's most handsome C-drama actor… someone who will never be mine, and I will never be his. But as I say— love is love. It just happened without seeking my permission. But I must say that in my story, there is pain— only pain for me. But those who got their loved ones are the luckiest, and their life is filled with happiness.
I took a hard sigh and picked up my phone and saw his photo on it and said, "Wǎn'ān, Xu Yuan." And then when I fell into deep sleep, I didn't even realize it.
The light of today's morning was entering the room slowly and lightly. I got up from the bed and then my eyes saw the visual I was already expecting to see— Wang Ruoxi sleeping on her bed with lots of packets of snacks opened, and her laptop still on.
I laughed a little and was about to tidy the place, but then I saw the clock— it was 7:00 in the morning. It was already getting late. If I tidied up the mess, I would definitely be late for the shoot today. The more late I get, the more the shooting of this drama gets stretched, which I really don't want. I just need to end this as soon as possible.
After saying this, I freshened up and left the dorm.
I reached the bus stop and started waiting for the bus. I saw a little boy in a school uniform standing beside his mother, eating an apple. I smiled seeing it, because I remembered— I still remembered— that in your drama series as volunteer Li Qingyan, how you gave apples to everyone and you were also eating one. How could I forget that?
From that day onwards, I started eating one apple daily. It became my daily job. And I even made a new saying for it, inspired by the famous old one:
"An apple a day keeps Li Qingyan close to me."
I laughed— I laughed more than usual— thinking of all this while seeing that little boy eating an apple with his mother. But suddenly the bus came and it broke my self-thought sessions. I got into the bus, and the little boy also entered.
While seeing him, I reminded myself of how, in that drama Embrace in the Mist as Li Qingyan, you cared for kids so much and protected them from danger. You… you are just amazing, Xu Yuan. The performance you did— I know no one can do justice to that character the way you did. After all, my Xu Yuan is the best actor in the whole China— even in the whole world.
Then I suddenly realized what slipped out of my mouth. I repeated unknowingly, "My Xu Yuan…"
"No, no—" I gave a light slap on my head and said, "Not mine. Only Xu Yuan. The word 'my' is not his surname that you are using it before taking his name."
Then I reached my destination— the set location. The bus stopped, and I got out and stepped inside the set, where I went straight to my room to get ready for my scenes without looking at anyone. I locked the door from inside.
As usual, the costumes were already there waiting for me. Today's costume was a party-wear— a pretty yellow gown with a ribbon design on the back, giving full princess vibes. This dress was so pretty. I would enjoy wearing it today.
I grabbed the dress and changed into it. Then someone knocked.
I asked, "Who's there?"
A voice replied, "Zhao Shiza, it's me."
I opened the door immediately and Yang Lulu entered.
She said, "Today I got a little late. I was stuck in some work at home."
I said, "No problem, Yang Lulu. You are not that late." I said it very casually while looking at myself in the mirror.
"Not that late? What does that mean, Zhao Shiza?" Yang Lulu asked.
I laughed and said, "Nothing, nothing. Leave it. Yang Lulu, help me make a hairstyle for this dress."
Yang Lulu came near me and said, "You are looking like a princess, Zhao Shiza. So beautiful. Why don't you get ready like this every day?"
"How can I put makeup and wear gowns daily? It's not possible. We all have a rush life, always in a hurry," I said while applying blush with a brush on my cheeks.
Yang Lulu held my hand and said, "Wait. Let me help you. I'll make a good hairstyle for you that suits this gown."
I nodded.
After half an hour, I was ready. The white high heels, the yellow gown, the beautiful makeup done by Yang Lulu, and the bun hairstyle she made— all together making it look beautiful and subtle.
I said to Yang Lulu, while looking at myself in the mirror, "Yang Lulu, today you made me feel like a princess in a ballroom."
"You already are," she said. "Just this princess hides her beauty."
"Now this is too much, Yang Lulu. Don't get too proud of your makeup skills," I said.
Yang Lulu smiled and said, "It's not my makeup skills. It's the person who is glorifying it so well."
Then we both came out of the makeup room and started waiting for Director Li to tell us when the scene would start. The scripts were already handed to me, the set was ready, all the crew members were doing their job— but there was only one thing missing.
Xu Yuan.
He still hadn't arrived. Maybe he would come later.
"Forget it, Zhao Shiza," I told myself, and started reading my lines, focusing on the script.
But after a while, footsteps started approaching me.
My Mr. Heart's heartbeat got a little faster and faster, just like the footsteps coming closer.
I slowly lifted my head to see who it was…
And then I saw…