14. "LOSING AGAIN"
She said I better not creep back into that dark place, I told her "this shit gets harder everyday", she said I better dust myself up and go out there, I told her that I may be more ruined than I actually thought, she said I will find somebody who's gonna love and treat me way better than the girl that didn't.
She said I should open myself up to new things, I told her my heart is stuck behind walls of pain and sorrows, she said things will get better, I asked her what about now, what about the times when I need somebody to trust with my thoughts, she said I should take easy on myself.
I asked her why can't I see everything that she says to me, she said it's probably because I'm not letting myself face the new direction, I asked her how is that healthy for me if all it does is stress me and ruin me, she said just because the ex couldn't love me doesn't mean nobody else will love me, I told her I appreciate her for always being there when I need something to remind me of things that are best for me to do.
She told me that one day I will fall in love, I told her I hate love.
15. "Heartbreak Book (INTERLUDE)"
I don't know where I should go,
I don't know what I should do,
I don't know what do I need to feel whole again,
I've lost two grandmothers but my pain isn't based on them,
I'm so engulfed into this subject,
A break up shouldn't mess up a dude like this,
I can't even live my life without going backwards,
All these pages I keep filling up,
I'm only trying to save my sanity,
She isn't part of my life anymore yet I place her in my future,
She's no longer my lover yet I keep loving her,
This heartbreak makes me wanna shut down.
All these emotions and thoughts on all these pages,
Moving on isn't the sentiment anymore,
I keep seeing signs of undying emotions,
What is love if this what I get for simply loving somebody?
I keep holding on to her while she keeps moving on from her past,
I'm proud of how good she's doing,
Even though my insecurities can't bear it,
Everytime she posts a picture of herself,
I see how happy she is wherever she is,
I wanna delete her number but she wants us to maintain contact,
I don't blame her,
She's only doing what's right,
I'm just struggling to come into terms with reality,
How can I kill these feelings and be freed from these emotions?
How can I be friends with somebody I'm madly in love with?
My life is so fucked up,
I'm fucked up...
16. "What's Best For Me"
I look at the mess that I turned into after she left my life, I fucked up a lot of things because I was caught up in this thing of a heartbreak, this was my first ever heartbreak, so I was ten feet deep in a hole of pain. This is something bigger than me, it controls me in every way, it messes up with my mind, I know what's best for me to do but it's just hard.
I wish I could say I'm stronger than this but I'm not, I see that girl in every pretty face I see and I look for her every fucking day, it's messing up my life, the things that my mind knows isn't the information in my heart, man it's true that love is fucking blind.
I wanna turn on a new leaf, lead my life to the right path but I just coming back to this girl, the relationship, the memories, 2023 and I can't seem to get a hold of my own emotions. We're 21 now, we're no longer 19, she's in love with somebody else now and whatever we had is now in the past, my head is telling me to shut down and backtrack to the dark place I come from.
This pain ruined me, I admit it but it shouldn't damage me any more, yes I still got scars in my soul that I gotta heal, yes the past will always find its way back to me but it's time for me to let it all go now, we're no longer 19, life changed and went on.
What's best for me is for me let the past go.