Morning in the Guild Tavern
The first light of dawn crept through the shutters, falling directly on my face like it had a personal vendetta.
"Ugh."
I rolled off the bench I'd claimed as a bed. The wooden floor greeted me like an old enemy.
Across the room, Lila was sipping tea, looking disgustingly awake.
"Morning, Ren! You slept in the tavern again?"
"Technically," I said, "I was testing the floor's durability. Quality control."
She sighed. "You could've come to the church guest rooms."
"I tried," I said, "but your High Priest looked at me like I was a spiritual disease."
"That's because you told him you were a 'professional freeloader of divine blessings.'"
"Ah. Yeah, that'll do it."
The Mission I Didn't Sign Up For
Clara, the terrifying guild receptionist, approached, holding a clipboard like a holy weapon.
"Ren. There's a job request for you."
"Impossible," I said. "I don't take jobs."
"You do now." She slapped a parchment onto the counter. "Escort request. From the Church of Lumina. To transport a blessed relic to the capital."
I blinked. "Sounds important. You sure you've got the right Ren?"
"Yes. Lila recommended you."
I turned to Lila slowly. "…You betrayed me."
She clasped her hands. "It's a sacred duty! Besides, it pays enough to replace your guild card."
"Tempting," I muttered. "But can I just… spiritually support you from here?"
Clara's stare could melt steel. "You're leaving in an hour."
The Journey Begins (Reluctantly)
By noon we were trudging down a dusty road with a single ox cart. Inside a crate wrapped in sigils sat the so-called "relic."
"So what's in there?" I asked. "A divine sword? A holy artifact?"
Lila smiled. "Actually, it's a jar of holy mayonnaise."
"…I beg your pardon?"
"It's used in sacred blessings and festivals."
"So we're risking our lives to deliver god-approved sandwich spread?"
She puffed her cheeks. "Don't mock sacred condiments!"
Bandits, Because Of Course
Around sunset, the classic happened-bandits jumped out from the bushes, brandishing rusty swords and poor life choices.
"Hand over the goods!" their leader yelled.
I raised my hand. "Counter-offer: you hand me some dinner and we all nap instead."
They blinked. Lila hissed, "Ren! Do something!"
"Fine." I opened my menu and hit Procrastinate.
Skill Activated: Master of Procrastination!
Effect: Delay hostile actions for 10 seconds.
The bandits froze mid-charge like badly-animated statues.
"Ten seconds," I said, yawning. "All yours."
Lila's staff flared with light. In precisely nine and a half seconds, the bandits were either unconscious or reconsidering their life goals.
When the effect ended, the survivors bolted.
Lila turned to me, eyes shining. "Ren, that was incredible!"
"I pressed one button and watched you do everything."
"Still! You protected us!"
"…By being lazy hard enough that reality gave up."
Campfire Talk
That night we made camp by the road. Lila hummed as she cooked stew over the fire.
"Ren," she said softly, "why do you act like you don't care?"
I poked the fire with a stick. "Because caring gets you killed. Or, worse, busy."
She smiled sadly. "You're not as lazy as you pretend."
"Don't ruin my brand."
For a moment, silence-just the crackle of fire and the faint smell of over-seasoned stew.
Then she handed me a bowl. "Eat."
I took it, grumbling, but it was actually good. Maybe being alive had some perks after all.
Arrival at the Capital Gate
Two days later, we reached the capital. The guards inspected the crate, nodded, and stamped our travel papers.
"Thank you for your service," Lila said, bowing.
"Yeah," I replied, stretching. "Next time, maybe deliver something lighter. Like divine air."
She giggled. "You joke, but there is a relic of sacred wind-"
"Please stop talking."
Later at the Guild
Clara handed me my new guild card. "Try not to lose this one."
"No promises."
Lila beamed. "See? I told you you're useful."
I slipped the card into my pocket. "I prefer 'situationally functional.'"
Next Chapter:
Chapter 4 – Monsters, Quests, and My Unpaid Tab