The Hangover of Heroism
Two days after the Great Mayonnaise Delivery, I was right back where I belonged-
flat on my back in the guild tavern, wallet empty, stomach growling, and reputation… surprisingly good?
"Ren Arkwright!" Clara's voice sliced through the chatter like a sword made of unpaid taxes.
"You still haven't paid for your room or your meals."
I waved a hand without looking up.
"I'm working on a long-term payment plan called 'eventual prosperity.'"
She slammed a stack of papers on my table.
"Then take a quest and earn something!"
I groaned. "Can't I just emotionally contribute to society?"
Lila, ever the saint, appeared beside me with that hopeful smile.
"Come on, Ren! We can take a simple monster hunt. It'll be fun!"
"Fun," I repeated. "That word means 'not fun,' right?"
The Quest Board of Doom
Every parchment on the board screamed responsibility.
But one quest caught my eye:
Quest: Exterminate low-level slimes near the town well.
Reward: 15 gold + 1 free meal voucher at the tavern.
Difficulty: E-Rank (for people who can't even spell 'danger').
I pointed. "That one. Minimal travel, low risk, free food."
Lila clasped her hands. "You're actually motivated!"
"No," I said. "I'm hungry."
The Slime Situation
The town well was surrounded by jiggling blobs of translucent menace.
Cute, if you ignored the acid-melting stones part.
Lila raised her staff. "I'll handle the purification!"
"Wait," I said, sitting on the edge of the well. "Let's strategize."
"Strategize?"
"Yeah. You fight. I supervise."
Before she could reply, one slime launched itself at me.
I panicked and hit Procrastinate.
Skill Activated: Master of Procrastination!
Effect: Delay impact for 10 seconds.
The slime froze mid-air.
Lila blinked. "That's so unfair."
"Efficiency," I corrected, standing up. "Finish it before physics resumes."
She blasted it with holy light. The slime evaporated.
"Teamwork," I said.
The Slime Boss
Just as we relaxed, the well bubbled ominously.
A giant slime oozed up, glittering like nightmare jelly.
Its size made the others look like appetizers.
The quest paper did not mention this.
"Ren!" Lila shouted. "It's absorbing the other slimes!"
"Yeah," I said, backing away. "That's its right as a union leader."
It lunged. I barely dodged, activating Procrastinate again.
Ten seconds of safety.
"Lila, plan?"
"Purify its core!"
"Do I look like someone who aims?"
She glared. "Distract it!"
I threw a rock. It missed.
Then the rock bounced off a roof, hit the well's pulley, dropped a bucket full of salt straight into the slime's open core.
The monster hissed, shriveled, and exploded into harmless goo.
Lila's jaw dropped. "You… actually beat it?"
"Eh," I said, wiping slime off my coat. "I call that 'aggressive coincidence.'"
Reward Time
Back at the guild, Clara handed over the reward pouch.
"Impressive work, Ren. For once."
"Please," I said, "it was a group effort. Mostly gravity's."
Lila beamed. "See? You're improving!"
"Improving implies intention," I muttered.
I pocketed the coins, took the meal voucher, and immediately ordered the largest platter available.
Clara sighed. "You do realize your tab still exceeds your earnings?"
"Which means," I said, mouth full, "there's room for improvement."
Next Chapter:
Chapter 5 – The Magic Exam That Turned Into a Public Nap