The Hero's Hangover
There's nothing worse than waking up famous.
Especially when you never asked to be.
Ever since the whole "accidentally ended a 300-year war by eating sandwiches with a demon" incident, people had been calling me The Hero of Tranquility.
Which, I'll admit, sounds cool-until you realize it means everyone expects you to fix their problems by "being wise."
I'm not wise.
I'm just too tired to argue.
That morning, I was halfway through pretending to read the guild bulletin board (aka "napping vertically") when the door slammed open.
"Ren!" Lila burst in, carrying an envelope with enough wax seals to make it legally intimidating.
"Return to sender," I said instantly.
"It's from the King!"
"I said return to sender."
The Summons
Lila held the envelope out anyway. "You've been summoned to attend the Royal War Council!"
I blinked. "There's a war?"
"Not yet," she said cheerfully. "That's what the council is for!"
I groaned. "So they want me to sit in a room full of nobles and pretend to care?"
"Exactly!"
"Fantastic. Can I pretend from home?"
"No, Ren," she said, tugging me by the arm. "You're the kingdom's official Advisor on Peace and Laziness!"
"That's… not a real title."
"It is now. They printed it on a plaque."
I stared at the ceiling. "This world gets dumber every day."
Royal Carriage of Doom
A royal escort arrived within the hour.
Shiny armor, straight posture, dead eyes-the full government employee package.
The lead knight saluted. "Sir Ren Arkwright, Hero of Tranquility! His Majesty awaits your counsel!"
"Tell His Majesty I'm currently busy doing absolutely nothing," I said.
The knight nodded solemnly. "We will wait until you finish."
"…That was sarcasm."
He didn't blink. "We'll wait."
I sighed. "Fine. Let's get this over with before I lose what's left of my will to live."
The War Council
The palace's war chamber was absurd-massive map table, flags, and an unnecessary number of people shouting at each other.
The King sat at the head, smiling like a man who'd made too many bad decisions. "Ah! Hero Ren! You grace us with your presence."
"Against my will, yes," I said.
The generals glared. "You should show respect!"
"I'd love to, but I left it in my other pants."
They started arguing again about troop placements and monster incursions in the north.
I, meanwhile, was carefully practicing my Strategic Dozing Technique.
Skill Activated: Passive Efficiency (Lv. 4)
Effect: The less Ren participates, the more efficiently everyone else works.
Within ten minutes, they'd reached three unanimous decisions, ended two arguments, and somehow signed a peace treaty draft with a neighboring barony.
The king beamed. "Ren! Your silent wisdom has once again brought order to chaos!"
I opened one eye. "I was asleep."
"Truly, a mind beyond mortal comprehension!"
The Lunch Debacle
After the meeting, the king insisted on hosting lunch.
Servants brought in dishes so fancy they probably required permits.
I poked something gelatinous. "Is it supposed to move?"
"That's royal pudding," said Lila, whispering beside me. "It's enchanted to jiggle eternally!"
"…Why."
"For morale, apparently."
I sighed. "This kingdom is a circus."
Halfway through my meal, a messenger burst in. "Your Majesty! The dragon from the Eastern Range has awoken!"
The room froze.
The king turned to me. "Ren, as our Advisor, what should we do?"
I swallowed the last bite of pudding. "Panic. I'll handle morale."
Lila gasped. "Ren! You're not seriously-"
"I'll go talk to it," I said.
The table erupted. "You can't just TALK to a dragon!"
"Worked on a demon," I said, standing up. "Maybe the dragon just needs therapy. Or a nap."
The Royal Reward (That I Didn't Want)
Before I left, the king pressed a jeweled amulet into my hand.
"Take this! It's the royal insignia. With it, you have full authority to act on behalf of the crown."
I pocketed it. "So, basically a shiny get-out-of-jail-free card?"
"Precisely!"
Lila sighed. "Ren, please try not to cause international incidents again."
"No promises."
Next Chapter:
Volume 2, Chapter 2 – My Familiar Summons Itself Out of Pity