Agar plus one ne mujhe andar se kamzor kiya…
toh plus two ne mujhe tod diya.
Yeh woh saal tha jab main sirf royi nahi…
main apne aap se darrne lagi.
Plus two shuru hote hi meri zindagi aur complicated ho gayi.
Us time meri maa bahut zyada physical pain se guzri.
Roz unhe takleef mein dekh kar mera dil toot jaata tha.
Main Bhagwan se roz prarthana karti thi —
"Bhagwan, meri maa ka dard mujhe de do…
par unhe aur suffer mat karne do."
Phir woh din aaya jab meri maa ko uterus removal surgery karwani padi.
Main already mentally weak thi…
aur unhe operation theatre ke andar jaate dekh kar main aur bhi darr gayi.
Meri didi ghar par nahi thi.
Main aur zyada akeli ho gayi.
Mere paas koi nahi tha jisse main apna dard share kar sakoon.
Plus two ke time mujhe do dost mile.
Unke saath baat karke mujhe thoda relief milta tha.
Main loyal hoon relationships mein…
isliye main unse dil se attached ho gayi.
Par phir unmein se ek dost ne mujhse baat karna kam kar diya.
Usse koi "better friend" mil gaya.
Usne meri side ki seat bhi change kar li.
Aur mujhe phir se wahi question satane laga:
"Kya mujh mein hi koi kami hai?"
"Kya main kisi ki achi friend banne layak nahi hoon?"
Mera self-confidence aur girne laga.
Isi beech meri mental condition aur zyada bigadne lagi.
Mujhe teachers se bhi darr lagne laga…
jabki unhone mere saath kabhi kuch galat bhi nahi kiya tha.
Sirf classroom ke gate ko dekh kar mera dil tez dhadakne lagta.
Haath thande pad jaate.
Saans heavy hone lagti.
Isi darr ki wajah se main kai din school nahi gayi.
Attendance kam hoti gayi…
aur guilt aur zyada badhta gaya.
Phir meri zindagi ka sabse scary phase shuru hua.
Kabhi kabhi mujhe achanak gussa aane lagta.
Main pani bottle ek hi baar mein poori pee jaati.
Meri breathing control se bahar ho jaati.
Main violent ho jaati.
Ek baar main apni maa aur papa ko maarne ki koshish karne lagi.
Mera dimaag andar se keh raha tha:
"Drishya, ruk ja. Yeh teri maa hai."
Par meri body meri baat nahi sunn rahi thi.
Meri aankhon se aansu baarish ki tarah gir rahe the.
Meri maa, jo abhi operation se recover kar rahi thi,
mujhe sambhalne ke liye mere paas aayi.
Aur sabse dardnaak baat…
Maine un par haath uthane ki koshish ki.
Main khud ko rok nahi paayi.
Poora family yeh sab dekh raha tha.
Sabke chehre par darr aur helplessness thi.
Mujhe saans nahi aa rahi thi.
Forehead ki nerves tez tez dhadak rahi thi.
Sar jaise overheat ho raha ho.
Phir aadhe ghante baad…
main behosh ho gayi.
Jab hosh aata…
main bilkul thak chuki hoti.
Family wale mujhe pyar se baithate, pani pilate, sambhalte.
Aur main bahar se normal banne ka natak karti.
Par andar…
main toot chuki thi.
Raat ko chupchaap roti thi.
Khud ko blame karti thi.
Khud se nafrat karti thi.
"Maine apni maa ke saath aisa kyun kiya?"
"Main aisi kyun ho gayi?"
Is sab ke beech bhi main padhne ki koshish karti rahi.
Quarterly aur half yearly exams mein marks kam aaye.
Plus one improvement exam dene bhi nahi ja paayi…
kyunki meri mental condition allow hi nahi kar rahi thi.
Plus two ka result bhi disappointing tha.
Sirf 81%.
Is score ke saath mujhe koi achha admission nahi mila.
Ek baar phir…
main fail ho gayi.
Meri family mujhe mandir le gayi.
Pooja hui.
Pandit ne kaha mujh par kisi mari hui aatma ka asar hai.
Pooja ke baad meri violent condition band ho gayi.
Par main jaanti thi…
yeh sirf bhagwan ka mamla nahi tha.
Yeh meri mind ki problem thi.
Main samajh chuki thi…
meri asli ladai bahar ki duniya se nahi…
meri apni soch se thi.
Aur mujhe nahi pata tha…
ki plus two ke baad jo saal aane wala hai…
woh mujhe "student" se zyada "failure" ka label dene wala tha.