Plus one mein entry lete waqt mujhe laga tha main phir se strong ban jaungi.
Naye books, naye uniform, naye goals…
Par mujhe nahi pata tha ki yeh saal meri zindagi ka sabse lonely phase banne wala tha.
Main ek introvert hoon.
Logon ke saath zyada ghulna-milna mera nature nahi tha.
Upar se main Malayalam medium se thi.
English medium students ke beech adjust karna mere liye bahut mushkil tha.
Shuru mein har cheez ajeeb lagti thi.
Classroom mein baith kar bhi main akeli mehsoos karti thi.
Dheere dheere subjects samajh mein aane lage…
Par jo cheez samajh mein nahi aa rahi thi…
woh meri khud ki emotions thi.
Mujhe andar se bahut darr lagta tha.
Bina kisi reason ke.
Bas ek heavy sa fear dil mein baitha rehta tha.
Isi time meri body bhi mujhe signals dene lagi.
Mujhe pair dard, kamar dard, kandha dard, haath dard hone laga.
Joints mein inflammation ho gaya.
Doctor ko dikhaya…
Tab pata chala mujhe Rheumatoid arthritis hai — genetic problem.
Is wajah se main roz school nahi ja paati thi.
Attendance kam ho gayi.
Meri maa ne teacher se baat ki aur meri condition samjhaayi.
Teacher ne kaha exam ke liye attendance problem nahi hogi.
Mujhe laga sab theek ho jaayega.
Par phir…
Half yearly exam ke din kuch ajeeb ho gaya.
Main exam hall mein baithi thi.
Paper aaya.
Questions mujhe aate the.
Phir bhi…
pata nahi kya hua…
Sirf ek ghante ke andar main classroom se bahar nikal aayi.
Blank answer sheet ke saath.
Maine kuch bhi nahi likha.
Main khud nahi samajh paayi ki maine aisa kyun kiya.
Dil itna heavy ho gaya tha jaise saans lena mushkil ho.
Ghar pahunch kar maine bag zameen par phenk diya.
Aur deewar ke kone mein baith kar zor zor se rone lagi.
Jab meri maa kaam se ghar aayi aur meri haalat dekhi…
woh bhi andar se toot gayi.
Unhone mujhe gale lagaya aur kaha,
"Beti, mat ro. Marks kam aaye toh bhi koi baat nahi. Jo milega wahi theek hai."
Par main chup nahi ho paayi.
Main unse chipak kar aur zyada royi.
Maine unhe bataya —
"Maa mujhe raat ko neend nahi aati.
Padhne baithti hoon toh concentration nahi hota.
Andar se bahut darr lagta hai."
Us time meri zindagi ka ek aur strong support mujhse door chala gaya.
Meri didi college ke liye bahar chali gayi.
Woh meri sabse close thi.
Main apni har baat, har emotion, har problem unse share karti thi.
Unke jaane ke baad main aur zyada akeli ho gayi.
Main jaanti thi unki bhi apni life hai…
BTech, exams, labs, pressure.
Isliye main apna dard unhe bata kar unhe tension nahi dena chahti thi.
Main akeli hi ladti rahi… apne mind ke saath.
Us waqt ghar mein TV bhi nahi tha.
Smartphone bhi nahi tha.
Koi distraction nahi.
Sirf main… aur meri overthinking.
Phir bhi maine padhai ki.
Jitna ho saka utna try kiya.
Par result… dil todne wala tha.
Plus one mein mujhe sirf 79% mile.
Jab maine dekha meri class ke zyada students ke 80% se upar aaye hain…
mujhe laga main fail ho gayi hoon.
Us din pehli baar mujhe feel hua…
loser hone ka dard.
Main baar baar sochti thi —
"Woh strong, cheerful Drishya kahaan chali gayi?"
"Main wapas kyun nahi ban paa rahi?"
Par maine haar nahi maani.
Maine khud se promise kiya:
"Main improvement exam likhungi.
Main apne marks wapas laungi."
Mujhe nahi pata tha…
yeh decision mujhe kis level ki mental jung mein le jaane wala hai.
Kyunki plus one ke baad jo phase aaya…
woh sirf academic struggle nahi tha…
Woh meri sabse dangerous battle banne wali thi.
Mujhe laga tha plus one sabse mushkil tha…
Lekin mujhe nahi pata tha…
Plus two mein main apne hi aap se darrne wali thi.