"No, no, no! Wake up!"
Naruto shook the unconscious girl's shoulder lightly. No response.
He looked around. The alley was dark, smelling of wet garbage from a nearby restaurant. The Perverted Sage's scroll lay at his feet, the ink already running from the damp ground, shining faintly under the moon.
"Come on, Hinata! Seriously! Wake up!"
He shook her again, a little harder. Nothing.
"If someone finds you here with me...!"
The image of Hiashi Hyuga, with his cold, white eyes and severe expression, filled his mind. The word "execution" rang in his ears, as clear as if the scroll was screaming it at him.
"The scroll said it! Execution! They're going to execute me!"
Panic seized him, cold and sharp. He had to move her. He had to hide her. Now.
"Okay, okay, think. Think, Naruto. Where? Where do I take her?"
He thought of options, each one worse than the last.
"The hospital! No, idiot!" he said aloud, whispering frantically. "Shizune san goes to the hospital a lot! Or worse, Sakura chan! They'll grill me with questions! Questions I can't answer!"
He imagined the scene. Sakura chan, hands on her hips, frowning. "Why did Hinata faint when you said the word 'marriage', Naruto? What did you do to her!?"
"I'm dead! Dead! Sakura chan will kill me before Hiashi does!"
He looked toward the Hyuga compound, just a few blocks away. The white walls seemed to glow under the moon.
"Definitely not! That's like turning myself in! It's a trap!"
He pictured himself arriving at the main gate with her in his arms. "The guards will see me! 'Hey, guys, here's your fainted heiress. Yeah, I made her faint. Twice. Please don't ritually kill me! It was a scroll misunderstanding!' No, thanks!"
There was one option left. A terrible, dirty, but safe option.
"My apartment."
He said it aloud, testing the word. The sound seemed to be absorbed by the alley's darkness.
"My apartment! It's the only safe zone! Nobody goes in there! It's perfect!"
A small, almost manic smile of relief crossed his face. "Not even Kakashi sensei comes in without threatening me first! He says it's a 'health hazard'! It's my fortress of solitude!"
"Okay, decided."
He grabbed the wet scroll and stuffed it into his jacket pocket. The ink stained his hand.
"Right. Now... how... how do you carry a person?"
He looked at Hinata. She was definitely a tall girl.
"Bridal style. It always works in stories. The girls look... comfortable."
He slid one arm under her knees and the other behind her back. He pulled.
She slipped. Her head fell back and she almost hit her head on the pavement.
"No! It's not working! She's too... limp! She's not cooperating!"
He settled her back on the ground, carefully.
"Okay, plan B. Bear hug?"
He tried the "bear hug" method, trying to lift her by the torso. It was awkward, his arms didn't know where to go, and he staggered backward.
"This is ridiculous! No time for this! They're going to notice she's missing! The Hyuga probably have trackers on her!"
In a desperate and completely graceless move, he crouched down, lifted her, and threw her over his shoulder, like a sack of potatoes. Or a sack of premium Hyuga rice.
"Sorry, Hinata! Seriously, sorry! It's a tactical emergency! You can complain all you want later! But you have to be awake to complain!"
He ran toward the alley wall, feeling her weight bounce uncomfortably. He jumped, grabbed the edge of the roof, and pulled himself up.
He landed on the tiles and started running, his sandals barely making a sound on the ceramic.
He leaped from roof to roof. The city was dark and quiet. No one saw him. Or so he hoped.
"This is bad! This is really bad!" he panted as he ran, talking to the wind. "I just kidnapped the Hyuga heiress! Kidnapping! I literally kidnapped her!"
He landed on a chimney, slipped on a loose tile, and almost lost his balance. Hinata's body swung dangerously over his shoulder.
"Whoa! Almost fell!" he yelled into the air.
"Kidnapping! That's worse than spying! Much worse!" He kept running, jumping a wide gap between two buildings. "The scroll didn't have a protocol for 'accidental kidnapping after a fake marriage proposal based on a perverted scroll'! Jiraiya, you idiot!"
He was running out of breath, more from panic than exertion.
"They're going to lock me up! No, worse! They're going to execute me! And then lock me up! In that order! Hiashi is going to invent a new law just for me! The 'Anti Naruto Act'!"
He saw his apartment building. "Almost there! Hang on, Hinata! Or... well, just stay unconscious, I guess! It's easier this way!"
He jumped from the last roof, crossing the narrow alley, and landed with a dull thud on his window's balcony.
The window was open. As always. Why close it? It just made it harder to get in.
Naruto stumbled into his apartment, nearly falling over a teetering pile of empty ramen bowls that formed a sort of modern tower by the door.
"Whew! Almost!"
The room was dark, lit only by the moon coming through the window.
"Okay, okay. Step one, complete."
Carefully, much more carefully than he'd been so far, he approached his bed. The maneuver to get her off his shoulder without dropping her was tricky.
"Okay... now... turn... and... there!"
He pushed aside a wrinkled jacket, a dull kunai, and an open training book. He gently deposited her on the mattress.
It was the only relatively "clean" surface in the whole place.
Hinata whimpered softly, a small sound in the silence, but she didn't wake up.
Naruto let out a sigh of relief. "Okay. Still alive. That's good. Very good. Step two, still alive."
Now, the "flight" panic was replaced by "hospitality" panic.
He looked at her. She was pale. Very pale.
"She's fainted. What do you do when someone faints? Water! Yeah, fainted people need water! Or something! I saw it in a novel! They throw water in their face!"
He ran to his kitchen. It was more of a corner with a sink.
There were no clean cups.
There was a pile of bowls in the sink, some with noodles stuck to them from... days ago?
"Damn! Where are the clean cups? I swear I had one!"
He opened a cabinet. Only more instant ramen bowls, ready to use.
"Or... or slap her!" He stopped. "I saw Sakura chan slap a guy once and he woke right up! It was super effective!"
He looked at his hand. "No! Bad idea! Terrible idea!"
He pictured the scene: he slaps her, she wakes up.
"If I slap her and she wakes up, she'll hit me! And she knows the Gentle Fist! She'll block my chakra points! All of them! I won't be able to eat ramen for a week! Or worse, she'll block my chakra points... down there! No, no, no!"
"Water! Back to water! Water is safe!"
He searched frantically. Where did he keep clean things? Did he have clean things?
"Maybe a bowl! I can wash a bowl!"
He grabbed the top bowl from the pile. It was sticky. He dropped it in disgust. "No time for that!"
He opened the fridge. The light flickered, revealing an almost empty interior.
A lone carton of milk. He grabbed it.
"Perfect! Milk! It's... like water! But with calcium!"
He opened it. He smelled it.
"UGH! NO! Definitely not!"
He recoiled, almost gagging. The smell was... alive. "That would kill her! That's poison! I'd be executed for poisoning!"
He slammed the fridge shut.
"Think, Naruto! What else? What else? I can't just leave her like this!"
His eyes lit up. "A damp cloth! Yeah! Kakashi sensei did that once when I had a fever! It always worked! It's classic! It's what moms do!"
He ran to the bathroom. It was small and... damp. He looked at the towel rack. There was an orange towel.
"Is it... clean?" He sniffed it. "Smells... like a towel. Clean enough! It doesn't smell like sour milk, so that's a win!"
He grabbed it, ran back to the kitchen sink (avoiding the sticky noodles), soaked it under the tap, and wrung it out.
A little. Not much. Water dripped.
He returned to the room, feeling like a medical ninja. "Here I go! Revival technique!"
Hinata was still motionless. She looked... pale. For a second, he felt bad for dragging her into this.
"Okay, Hinata, here we go. Wake up, please. Don't make me resort to the milk."
He knelt by the bed.
And placed the (too wet) towel on her forehead.
SPLAT!
A stream of cold water ran down her temples, her cheeks, got into her ears, and dripped onto the pillow.
"Ah! Too wet! Sorry! Rookie mistake!"
Hinata groaned. A sharp sound, like a whimper.
Her eyelashes fluttered.
Her eyes snapped open.
There was a second of total confusion. She saw an unfamiliar ceiling. It was dark. She saw stains on the ceiling. Were those... sauce stains?
She turned her head.
She saw Naruto, kneeling beside her, holding a dripping orange towel directly over her face.
"Ah!" She let out a choked scream.
"Wait! Don't scream!" Naruto said, waving his hands. "You're fine! Don't panic! It's me!"
"N-Naruto kun?"
"Yeah, me! But listen! You fainted! Again! That's the second time today! Seriously, I think you might have a problem! Maybe anemia? Low blood pressure?"
Hinata pushed herself up on her elbows, pushing the wet towel away. Cold water streamed through her hair and down her neck, soaking the collar of her jacket.
She looked around with wide eyes.
Horror replaced confusion.
She saw the room. The piles of dirty laundry in the corner. The empty ramen bowls stacked like a precarious tower.
She looked at herself. She was on a bed. An unmade bed.
"Wh-where...?"
"My place!" Naruto said, sonando extrañamente orgulloso, como si le estuviera mostrando un palacio. "My apartment! Nice, huh! I've got a view."
Hinata's eyes locked on him. The color drained from her face.
"Y-your... place?"
Her gaze dropped to the bed she was sitting on.
"I-in... your... bed?"
The implication hit her like a Jyuuken to the chest. She was alone. With a boy. In his bedroom.
"Ah! No! It's not what it looks like!" Naruto hurried to say, backing up. "It's the only bed! Seriously! I sleep on the floor! Mostly! Or the couch! If it were clean!"
He scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, not that we sleep together! Ever! This is the first time you've been here! And you were unconscious! Well, not now, but...!"
"Marriage!"
The word shot out of her. She sat up abruptly, clutching the sheets tightly. "You... you said...!"
"Shhh! Keep your voice down!" Naruto looked at the door, terrified. "No! Forget the marriage! The scroll was wrong! Totally! The old man was crazy! There's no marriage! It was a writing error! A joke!"
"But... but I... how did I get...?" Her voice trembled.
"You... you kidnapped me!" she accused.
"I didn't kidnap you! I rescued you!" Naruto insisted, feeling like he was losing control of the situation.
"You... rescued me...!?"
"Yeah! From the ritual execution! Remember! Hiashi! Killing me! That! The scroll's protocol! I had to get you out of there before anyone saw us!"
"You... you... brought me... to your... apartment!" she repeated, as if she couldn't process the information.
"It was the only safe zone! I swear! Nobody comes here! It's... it's my hideout!"
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
A loud, authoritative knock on the front door.
Naruto and Hinata froze.
Naruto's heart stopped. He felt all the blood rush to his feet.
"Naruto! Open up!"
A male voice. Loud. Unmistakably familiar.
"I know you're in there! Akamaru can smell you!"
Naruto closed his eyes. His world was crumbling, brick by brick.
"Oh, no," he whispered. "Kiba."
Hinata looked at him, sheer panic wiping out all other emotions. Her face was white.
"K-Kiba kun?"
"Shhh!" Naruto jumped to his feet and ran to her. "You have to hide!"
"Wh-what!?"
"Hide! Quick!" He looked around frantically. There was nowhere. Under the bed was full of... stuff. Empty ramen boxes.
"The closet! Get in the closet!"
"I-I'm... not... getting... in... your... closet!" she stammered, the horror of the room surpassed by the horror of that dark door.
"Hinata, please!" Naruto begged, whispering frantically. "It's that, or Kiba comes in and sees you!"
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Naruto! I'm breaking down the door! One...!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Naruto yelled at the door. "I was... in the bathroom! Yeah! I was sleeping! In the bathroom!"
He turned back to Hinata. "He's coming in! And he's going to see you! In my bed! In my apartment! With wet hair!"
Hinata touched her hair. It was soaked from the towel.
"He'll tell the whole village you're having a secret date here! Think of your father! Think of the Hyuga clan!"
"Oh, no..."
"The ritual execution will be back on the table! My execution! Not yours, but still! Probably both!"
The logic, though twisted, was solid. The terror of her father overcame the terror of the situation.
Hinata nodded, very pale.
She jumped off the bed.
"Two...!" Kiba yelled from the hallway.
"Don't count! Counting is rude!" Naruto yelled back.
He pushed Hinata toward a rickety wooden door in the corner. "Get in! And don't make a sound! No matter what! Hold your breath!"
Hinata opened the closet door, looked at the dark chaos of old clothes, dust, and... a ramen bowl?
"Quick!"
She got in, tripping over a pair of old boots.
Naruto shut the door just as she started to cough from the dust.
"Three...!"
"I'M COMING!"
Naruto ran to the front door. He ran his hands through his hair and tried to look... normal. Busy. Asleep in the bathroom.
He opened the door.
Kiba Inuzuka was standing there, arm raised to knock again, with an expression of pure suspicion. Akamaru, at his feet, whined and wagged his tail.
"'Sleeping in the bathroom'?" Kiba said, raising an eyebrow. "That's a new one. Did you fall in the toilet?"
"It's... a meditation technique! For focus! The dripping sound helps!" Naruto said. "What do you want, Kiba? I was busy."
"Busy?" Kiba pushed the door open and walked in, uninvited. Akamaru trotted in after him. Kiba sniffed the air loudly. "I saw you run off! And you were soaked!"
"Were you spying on me?"
"I was walking Akamaru! And now..." Kiba sniffed again. "Your apartment stinks, as usual. Like stale ramen."
"Thanks! It's my signature scent."
"But... what's that other smell?" Kiba narrowed his eyes.
"Smell?" Naruto said, breaking into a cold sweat. "What smell? My shampoo? Did I change shampoo? Yeah, that's it!"
"No." Kiba got closer. "It smells like... flowers. And expensive soap. Like the kind my sister uses. And...!" He leaned in and sniffed Naruto's jacket. "You smell like Hinata!?"
"What?! You're crazy!" Naruto's heart was pounding against his ribs. "I don't smell like Hinata! I smell... I smell like my new air freshener! Yeah!"
Naruto ran to his kitchen and grabbed an empty can of something by the sink. "Look! Air freshener! It's called... 'Hyuga Flower'! It's imported!"
Kiba snatched the can. He read it. "This is... oven cleaner, idiot."
"It's... multi use! Cleans the oven and smells nice!"
"'Hyuga Flower'?" Kiba scoffed. "No such thing. What are you hiding, Naruto? Why'd you run off?"
"I told you! Training! Stealth training! That's why I was wet! Water infiltration training!"
Kiba stared at him. "You're lying."
"I'm not lying!"
"Your face is twitching. Specifically, your left eye. You're lying."
"It's a twitch! From training stress! Yeah, that's it!"
Akamaru, ignoring the conversation, trotted around the room. He sniffed the ramen pile. He sniffed the bed. He stopped at the pillow, which was still damp from the towel.
Akamaru whined.
And then he stopped in front of the closet door.
He whined. A low, inquisitive whine. And he sniffed the bottom of the door.
"Hey, Akamaru! Get out of there!" Naruto said, a little too quickly. "There's nothing in there!"
Kiba turned around. He saw his dog. He saw the closet door. He saw Naruto, who was sweating profusely.
A slow, predatory smile spread across his face. "Oh? And why is Akamaru so interested in your closet? You hiding a cat?"
"Ah! That! No! It's... it's my... beef jerky! Yeah! I hid some beef jerky in there! I'm saving it! From you! Because you always eat it!"
"Beef jerky?" Kiba's smile widened. "Liar! You hate beef jerky! You said it tastes like old shoes!"
"I've changed! People change, Kiba! My tastes have matured! I love beef jerky now! It's my favorite food! After ramen!"
Kiba walked slowly toward the closet, bypassing Naruto.
"Sure. Matured. Then you won't mind if I... take a look. For Akamaru. He loves beef jerky. We'll share."
"NO!" Naruto yelled, blocking Kiba from the door.
"No?"
"No! Because... it's... it's moldy! Yeah, it got moldy! I bought the wrong kind! It smells awful! You don't want to smell that! It's... it's a biohazard!"
Kiba stopped, his hand on the doorknob. "Moldy. Sure. You know what else smells in there, Naruto?"
"...Moldy old shoes?"
And then, from inside the closet, came a sound.
A small, muffled, and unmistakably feminine sound.
"A-a... a... ACHOO!"
It was a sneeze. A sneeze caused by a decade of Naruto's dust and unwashed orange clothes.
...
Silence.
Absolute silence in the apartment. Akamaru tilted his head.
Kiba looked at the closet door.
Then he looked at Naruto.
Naruto plastered the most terrifying, panic filled smile of his life onto his face.
"Wow," Naruto said, his voice high pitched. "That... that was my cough. Weird, right? Sounds... feminine. It's puberty! Yeah, my voice is changing! Late! But it's happening!"
Kiba said nothing. He just pushed Naruto aside (who was surprisingly easy to move) and opened the closet door.
Hinata fell out face first, coughing, covered in dust, and tangled in Naruto's old orange jacket from when he was twelve.
She looked up. She saw Kiba. She saw Naruto.
Her face reached a new level of red, then white, then red again.
"Hi... Kiba kun..." she whispered, before sneezing into the orange jacket again.
Kiba was frozen.
His jaw dropped.
He looked at Hinata, tangled on the closet floor.
He looked at Naruto, who looked like he was going to either throw up or pass out.
"You..." Kiba said. "You... and her... in your... closet."
Kiba blinked. Once. Twice.
And then, he seemed to understand... in the most wrong way possible.
"Whoa!" Kiba burst out. "NARUTO! I didn't know you had it in you! The number one idiot! The loudest ninja!"
He put his hands on his head.
"Of all the girls... Hinata! The Hyuga heiress! And in secret! In your apartment! Hiding her in the closet! Dude, that's... that's...!"
"Kiba, it's not what it looks like!" Naruto yelled, waving his hands.
"I-it's... not... what... it... looks like!" Hinata repeated, trying to untangle herself from the jacket. "I... I... I fell!"
"Then what is it!?" Kiba shouted, his voice full of manic glee. "Are you... are you... having an affair! Oh my god! You're dating! Since when!? Why didn't you tell me!? Does Shino know!?"
Kiba was laughing. "Man, this is too good! Hiashi is going to kill you! He's going to skin you alive! It's gonna be awesome!"
Naruto went into total panic. His brain shut down. Kiba's words ("Hiashi is going to kill you") mixed with Hiashi's from the scroll ("execution"), with the scandal, the honor, the marriage.
The only solution! The only protocol he had!
"SHE'S MY FIANCÉE!"
The sentence burst from Naruto's mouth, thundering in the small room, before he could stop it.
...
...
Silence. Again. A much worse silence.
Hinata froze, half tangled in the jacket. She stopped sneezing. She stopped breathing.
Kiba froze, his mouth open, the laugh dying in his throat.
Akamaru whined, sensing the tension.
They both turned to look at Naruto.
"...What?" Kiba said, his voice barely a whisper.
"...Wh-wh-what...?" said Hinata.
Naruto realized what he had said. The air left his lungs. The color drained from his own face.
"Crap!"
Kiba stared at him.
"Fiancée?" Kiba repeated.
And then, a manic smile, the biggest smile Naruto had ever seen, crossed Kiba's face.
"FIANCÉE?"
"Kiba, wait! It's a mistake! It's...!"
"FIANCÉE!" Kiba yelled, his eyes shining. "IT'S NOT AN AFFAIR! IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT!"
"Kiba, shut up! Don't say it...!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Kiba ran for the door. "I HAVE TO TELL SHINO! AND SAKURA! AND INO! AND MY MOM! EVERYONE!"
"KIBA, NO! WAIT! GET BACK HERE!"
Kiba threw the door open and shot out of the apartment, his shouts echoing down the building's hallway.
"NARUTO AND HINATA ARE GETTING MARRIED! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! NARUTO UZUMAKI IS MARRYING THE HYUGA HEIRESS!"
The door slammed shut.
Kiba's yells could be heard fading down the stairs. "IT'S OFFICIAL! WEDDING IN KONOHA! I'M GONNA BE THE BEST MAN!"
Naruto and Hinata were left alone in the apartment.
She was still on the floor, tangled in the dusty orange jacket.
He was still by the door, his hand still on the knob.
They looked at each other. The horror was mutual and absolute.
Hinata opened her mouth.
She closed her mouth.
Naruto looked at her. He looked at the door. He looked at Hinata.
"...Oops," Naruto said.
He ran a hand over his face.
"Okay... I think I just made the 'ritual execution' a lot worse."