"WHAT?!"
Naruto's shout bounced off the walls of the broken office, so loud it made the glass shards on the floor vibrate. The sound of the sake bottle shattering hadn't faded yet.
He was holding Hinata, who had gone completely limp in his arms the moment Hiashi said the word "marriage."
"Hinata! No! Wake up!" Naruto shook her, total panic replacing his shock. "Open your eyes! Grandma, do something! She fainted again!"
Tsunade, standing in the middle of her wrecked desk, looked at him tiredly. "Don't shake her like that, you idiot, you'll rattle her brain loose. She'll wake up."
"But this is serious! It's the third time! She needs medical help! Or something! Your dad is saying crazy things!" Naruto pulled her closer to his face, desperate. "Hinata, come on!"
"N-no... I'm...!" Hinata groaned, her eyes flying open.
The first thing she saw was Naruto's face, inches from hers. His nose was almost touching hers. He was yelling.
The second thing she heard was her father's icy voice: "The law is the law, Hokage sama. It is the only honorable alternative to blood."
The third thing she saw was Tsunade, behind Naruto, who had picked up a second sake bottle from the floor and was drinking straight from it.
And then, she realized the situation.
She was in Naruto's arms. In front of her father. In front of the Hokage. In front of her sister.
"Eep!"
She broke free from him, shoving herself backward with strength she didn't know she had. She stumbled and landed on her back against the splintered remains of Tsunade's desk. A piece of wood dug into her back, but she barely felt it.
Her legs were shaking so hard they wouldn't support her. Her face was such a deep red it almost looked painful.
"F-Father! I... he... we... no... it's not what...!"
Hiashi Hyuga ignored her completely. His white, cold, emotionless eyes were fixed on the Hokage.
"Blood? Marriage?" Tsunade lowered the bottle, wiping a trickle of sake from her chin with the back of her hand. "Have you gone completely insane, Hiashi? Did you drink before you came here?"
Shizune, who had hidden behind an overturned filing cabinet, peeked out. "Hokage sama, please, show some respect...!"
"Respect this!" Tsunade snapped. She pointed the bottle at Naruto, who was wiping sweat from his forehead. "Are you talking about marrying the Hyuga clan heiress... to him?"
"Hey!" Naruto said, offended. "I'm right here! And I'm a great catch!"
"Shut up!" Tsunade barked. "Look at him, Hiashi. He's a walking disaster. His apartment is a recognized biological hazard by the health council. He eats expired ramen!"
"It's not expired!" Naruto yelled. "It's just... well fermented! It gives it flavor!"
"Besides," Tsunade continued, ignoring him, "they're kids! They're barely out of the academy!"
"I'm sixteen," Naruto said, puffing out his chest. "I'm a man! I can legally...!"
"Naruto, I said shut up, the adults are talking!"
Hinata, who had managed to get to her knees, tried to intervene. Her voice was a terrified whisper. "F-Father... please... th-this is a mistake... a terrible mistake... I didn't..."
Hiashi finally moved. But he didn't look at her. He turned slowly toward Naruto.
"They are not children. They are ninja. And one of them has gravely compromised the honor of my house."
"I didn't compromise anything!" Naruto said. "I just fell out of a tree! It was an accident! A very embarrassing accident!"
"An accident," Hiashi said, his voice flat, "An accident that made you use a forbidden jutsu to spy on her in the onsen. An accident that led you to kidnap her off the street."
"I didn't kidnap her!!"
Tsunade massaged her temples. "Enough. Hiashi, this is absurd. It was a stupid joke by an idiot. I'll punish Naruto. Severely. I'll put him on stable duty for the Inuzuka clan for a month. End of story."
"No." Hiashi's word was absolute. "The Hyuga clan's honor is not satisfied with dog feces."
He faced Naruto. The silence in the room was total, broken only by the dripping of sake from the broken bottle.
"The choice is simple. And it is yours, Uzumaki."
Naruto swallowed. Sweat dripped down his neck. "A choice? I like choices. Choices are good! Right? What... what do I choose?"
"Option A," Hiashi said, his voice flat. "You refuse responsibility. The Hyuga clan will publicly declare that you have dishonored the heiress... and that you have no intention of repairing the damage."
"But I didn't do anything! Seriously! I just... looked! A little!"
Hiashi raised a hand. "The Hyuga Council of Elders will not see the difference. I will invoke the law of blood. I will challenge you to a duel for honor."
Naruto's face lit up for a second. "A duel? Awesome! I've always wanted...!"
"It will not be a duel," Hiashi interrupted him, his white eyes narrowing. "It will be an execution. You will be dead before you can form a seal."
The color drained from Naruto's face. "Ah. Okay. Execution. Bad. Got it."
"I forbid you from threatening my shinobi in my own office, Hiashi!" Tsunade stepped forward, her voice a growl. She stood between Naruto and the clan leader.
"Your shinobi?" Hiashi retorted. "He is the Kyuubi's Jinchuriki. A weapon. An asset of the village."
"Exactly! He is a vital asset to Konoha! I will not let a clan leader murder him over some antiquated nonsense about honor! We are in the middle of an international crisis, in case you haven't noticed!"
"Then prepare for the consequences," Hiashi replied, unfazed. "If you protect the offender, the Hyuga Clan will consider this a direct act of aggression by the Hokage's office."
Shizune let out a choked gasp. "Hiashi sama, you can't be talking about an internal war!"
"I can. And I will," Hiashi said coldly. "The village will see you protect the man who stained the honor of one of the founding families. Your position is already unstable. The Fire Elders will abandon you. You will lose the hat. And the village will be divided."
Tsunade clenched her fists so tightly her knuckles turned white. "You... damned... blackmailer..."
"Option B," Hiashi continued, turning back to Naruto, completely ignoring the Hokage. "You accept responsibility. You restore my daughter's honor."
Naruto, who was visibly shaking, wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. "I... uh... and how... how do I do that?"
"You marry her."
The silence returned, absolute.
Naruto looked at Hiashi. He looked at the two Hyuga guards at the door, who had their hands resting casually on the hilts of their katanas. He looked at Hinata, who was covering her mouth with her hands and looked like she was going to either throw up or faint again. He looked at Tsunade, who looked like she wanted to kill Hiashi, and then kill him just for fun.
Naruto's brain, which was not known for its speed, began to process the available information.
Okay, okay, think, Naruto, think... he muttered to himself. Option A: Fight the Hyuga dad. He said 'execution'. That means he kills me. Very, very bad. Painful. Option B: Marriage. With Hinata. Hinata is... nice. She doesn't kill me. Good. Option A: Internal war. Grandma Tsunade loses her job. Everyone fights. The village gets destroyed. Very, very, very bad. Option B: Marriage. Grandma Tsunade... well, she still wants to kill me. But no war. Good. Option A: Death. Option B: Not death. The choice is obvious! I'm a genius!
The panic on Naruto's face vanished. It was replaced by a smile. A huge smile. Fake. Overly enthusiastic. A smile that showed too many teeth and made his eyes look manic. He swelled with pride.
"HA! HA, HA!"
Tsunade stopped drinking and stared at him. "What the hell are you laughing at, you idiot? Did your brain melt?"
Hanabi, Shizune, and Hinata stared at him, completely baffled.
"I'm laughing because... because this is... this is fantastic!" Naruto laughed, his voice high and strained. "What... what a great idea, Hiashi san! I love it! A great plan!"
He walked over to Hinata, who was completely rigid, and slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a crushing side hug. She made a small choking sound.
"In fact! I'm offended that 'execution' was even an option! It's an insult! A huge insult! Because...!"
He turned to look at Hinata, his manic smile widening. He was sweating profusely.
"Because I am totally and completely in love with her!"
... ... ...
Hanabi clapped both hands over her mouth, her eyes wide.
Tsunade, who had started to raise the bottle again, simply dropped it. It smashed against the broken remains of the desk, scattering sake and glass everywhere.
Shizune let out a small "eep" and hid again.
Hinata stared at Naruto. Her face had gone from red to white and was now returning to a blotchy red of disbelief. Her brain simply could not process the words.
"Wh-wh-wh-what... what... WHAT!?"
"YES!" Naruto shook her a little, making her head wobble. "A lot! I'm crazy about her! She's the best! She's the most... the most... Hinata of all the Hinatas!"
"Naruto kun... you... you don't..."
"Of course I do!" Naruto panicked, realizing he had to sell it. "That's why I was 'researching' her with the Pervy Sage's scroll!"
"Oh, gods, make him shut up now..." Tsunade muttered, covering her face with her hands.
Naruto gave Hiashi a knowing nudge, who didn't react at all. "It was... it was for... for my... vows! Yeah! Vows! For the wedding! To know all the... good things... I like about her! Like her... hair! And her... eyes!"
Hiashi remained motionless.
"And that's why I fell out of the tree!" Naruto shouted, his voice jumping an octave in panic. "From excitement! From seeing her! I was so... so excited about our... secret... love... that I lost my balance! Totally!"
"In the onsen...?" Hanabi whispered, horrified.
"YES! Exactly! And that's why I took her home! To... to take care of her! You won't regret this, F-F-Father in law! I'll take super good care of her! We'll eat ramen every day! It'll be great! I swear! Believe it!"
Hiashi Hyuga stared at him. His face was impassive. He didn't believe the act for a second. But it was the public story he needed. It was the way out that saved everyone's honor.
"...Fine."
The word was blunt.
Naruto let out the breath he was holding in a hiss. His fake smile wavered for a second, but he held it firmly in place.
"Great! Super! What a relief! Because the execution sounded... really painful! Seriously!"
"Hiashi," Tsunade said, her voice dangerously low. She bent down and picked up the other sake bottle, the one that was still full. "You just accepted an engagement based on the worst, stupidest, most transparent lie I have ever heard in my twenty years as a ninja."
"The lie is irrelevant," Hiashi said, ignoring her. He addressed Tsunade, getting back to business. "The acceptance is public. Honor is satisfied. Now, the terms of the alliance."
"Alliance?" Tsunade growled. "This is extortion!"
"First: The official story." Hiashi spoke with an authority that filled the room. "The one that leaves this office is this: The engagement was a secret. It had been planned for weeks."
"Weeks?" Naruto said, confused. "But we just...!"
"Shut up, Naruto!" Tsunade hissed. "Keep digging!"
"Kiba Inuzuka found out by accident and leaked the news, causing a panic," Hiashi continued. "There was no 'prank.' There was no 'mistake.' It was a premature announcement."
Naruto nodded frantically, over and over. "Premature announcement! That's it! Kiba's a loudmouth! Always has been! Kiba's fault! Totally! Got it!"
"Second." Hiashi turned. His eyes, for the first time, landed on his eldest daughter. Hinata shrank under his gaze, taking a step back. "F-Father..."
"Hinata. You have failed your clan. You have shown unforgivable weakness. You allowed yourself to be... compromised." His gaze shifted to Naruto with disdain. "By... this."
"F-Father... I'm sorry... I didn't... I didn't mean to...!" Tears sprang to her eyes.
"You will be removed as heiress of the Main House."
Hinata's breath hitched. The color, the panic, everything vanished. It was replaced by a deathly pallor.
"What?! Father, no! Please! It's... it's my whole life...!"
"Hey, wait!" Naruto intervened, letting go of Hinata's hands. "That's not fair! It was my fault! I'm the one who fell out of the tree! Punish me! Make me clean more stables!"
"Silence," Hiashi said. "I am already punishing you. I am relieving her of a duty she is clearly not suited for."
He turned to Hinata again. "You will not receive the cursed seal..."
Naruto sighed in relief. "Whew! Okay, that's good! That seal is horrible!"
"...but your status is revoked. Hanabi."
Hanabi, who had been watching her sister's downfall with an expression of silent horror, flinched. "Father."
"As of today, you will assume her duties. You are the sole and legitimate heiress of the Hyuga Clan."
Hanabi's expression was not one of joy. She looked... sick. She looked at Hinata's devastated face and then at her father. "Father... but... I don't think..."
"Do not question me," Hiashi cut her off. "And," he continued, "to satisfy the elders, and to ensure this 'engagement' appears legitimate to the public..."
He looked at Naruto. Naruto's smile tightened.
"Starting tonight, you will live with him."
Naruto's fake smile froze, cracked, and died. Hinata's face, already pale, lost all traces of blood.
Silence. Then, chaos.
"WHAT?!" they both yelled in unison.
"LIVE WITH ME?!" Naruto yelled, his voice hitting a pitch only dogs could hear.
"LIVE WITH HIM?!" Hinata shrieked, her voice cracking with panic.
"Hiashi, that's going too far!" Tsunade shouted, slamming her fist on what was left of her desk. "You can't force her to live in that filthy pigsty! It's cruel and unusual punishment!"
"It is tradition for an accelerated engagement," Hiashi said coldly. "It shows the public the union is real. That there is no shame. That the union is welcome."
"But it's not welcome!" Tsunade yelled.
"It is this... or my first offer still stands."
The word "execution" hung in the air.
Naruto composed himself instantly. The fake, manic smile returned, more strained and desperate than before.
"Live together! Yes! Of course! That sounds great! It's... traditional! I love tradition! My apartment is... it's... super cozy! She'll love it!"
"That place is a dump!" Shizune yelled from her hiding spot, before clapping a hand over her mouth.
"It has... it has a view!" Naruto continued, ignoring her.
"A view of the brick wall of the next building?" Shizune muttered.
"And it's... close to Ichiraku's! We'll eat dinner there every night! It'll be great! One... eternal... date!"
"Father, this is too much!" Hanabi finally exploded, unable to hold back anymore. "This is ridiculous! You can't make her live there! You're sending her to a slaughterhouse!"
"Hanabi," Hiashi warned, "you are the heiress now. Behave as such."
"No! That idiot probably uses ramen bowls as plates!"
"It works!" Naruto said.
"And as napkins!"
"Hey, that's resourceful! Recycling!"
"And as flowerpots! I saw a dead plant in a bowl on his windowsill last week!"
"Mister Ukki isn't dead!" Naruto yelled, offended. "He's just... sleeping! A lot!"
"You're punishing her for his stupidity! It's cruel! She didn't do anything wrong!"
"Enough!" Hiashi's voice boomed.
Hanabi fell silent, but she was trembling with rage.
"Hanabi. You are the sole heiress now. Do not disappoint me as your sister did."
Hanabi's expression hardened. She looked betrayed.
Hiashi turned, his robes sweeping. "I will send her things tonight. And Uzumaki..."
Naruto, who was trying to get his smile back in place, flinched. "Y-yes, Father in law?"
"Do not call me that. Ever." Hiashi's voice dropped to a deadly whisper. "And if my daughter suffers a single scratch, one more humiliation, because of your incompetence... the marriage will not protect you from me. I will find you in your pigsty and I will tear you limb from limb."
He left.
The two Hyuga guards gave Tsunade a tense bow and followed him, leaving the office in silence.
The door closed.
The remaining silence was oppressive.
Hanabi looked at Naruto with hatred. "Idiot."
"Hey, I saved my life! And hers! And I stopped a war!"
"You've ruined her life."
She ran to Hinata. Her sister was catatonic, standing in the middle of the mess, staring into space. Her eyes weren't blinking.
Hanabi grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her gently. "Sister. Look at me."
Hinata didn't react.
"Hinata!" Hanabi shook her harder. "You'll be fine. Don't let him intimidate you." She shot Naruto a final warning glance. "Don't let anyone intimidate you."
She hugged her, a quick, fierce hug that seemed more born of anger than comfort.
"And I'm sorry," Hanabi whispered. "I'm sorry you have to marry a 'dumbiot'."
"I told you, I'm just 'dumb'!" Naruto yelled.
"'Dumbiot'!" Hanabi repeated. "It's 'dumb' and 'idiot' combined! It's worse!" She gave Tsunade a respectful bow. "Hokage sama."
She ran out after her father.
The office fell into almost total silence. Only Tsunade was left, sitting on the floor among the remains of her desk. Shizune, trembling in the corner. Naruto, whose strained smile finally faded, leaving only exhaustion and latent panic. And Hinata, who was staring at the wall, her eyes completely blank.
Naruto ran a hand through his hair. "Whew. Well. That... that was close, huh?"
No one answered.
"Grandma... are you mad? Because... technically... I stopped a civil war. You should be thanking me! Or at least giving me a free meal!"
Tsunade slowly, very slowly, unscrewed the cap from the intact sake bottle.
"And... and now... well, Hinata and I... I guess we'll go to... my place? To... live? It'll be fun! Right, Hinata?"
Hinata made a small, choked sound in the back of her throat.
"Hinata?"
Tsunade took a long, deep drink from the bottle. Then she took a long, slow, shaky breath. She looked at the mess of sake and broken wood.
"Naruto."
"Heh... yeah, Grandma?"
"Shut your mouth. Immediately."
"Oh. Okay."
"And you can stop smiling. That smile is ridiculous."
"Got it."
Tsunade sighed. It was the most tired, defeated sigh Naruto had ever heard in his life. A sigh that held years of frustration, paperwork, and ninja stupidity.
"Shizune."
"Y-yes, Tsunade sama?"
"Get the mop. And get more sake. A lot more sake."
"Right away." Shizune scurried out of the room, grateful to escape.
Tsunade rubbed her temples so hard Naruto thought she might drill through her own skull.
"Naruto..."
"Yeah?"
"Of all the stupid things... of all the failed missions... of all the disasters you have caused in this village..."
"This is the best one?" he asked hopefully.
"This is the worst. You have managed, in a single afternoon, to get yourself forced into marriage, to get the Hyuga heiress stripped of her title, and to give Hiashi Hyuga political leverage over me for the next decade."
"Oh. ...Is that bad?"
Tsunade looked at him. Her eyes were bloodshot.
"I just have one question. One."
"Yeah?"
"Where... the hell... is your stupid master?"