The question hung in the air of the destroyed office, weighing heavier than the remains of Tsunade's desk.
"Where... the hell... is your stupid master?"
Naruto, who was still holding Hinata by the shoulders to keep her from falling again, blinked. The fake, tense, manic smile he had been holding on to with all his might, wavered.
"The Pervy Sage?"
Tsunade glared at him. Her look was a mixture of exhausted fury and absolute desperation.
"Ah!" Naruto attempted a laugh. It sounded like a cough. "Good question, Grandma! Probably... uh... researching! Yeah! Field research! You know him! Always working hard! At some onsen! Or something! Haha!"
The silence that followed was absolute.
Shizune, who had emerged from behind the overturned filing cabinet, froze with a piece of wood in her hand.
Hinata, who had been catatonic, seemed to shrink in on herself.
Naruto's smile died.
"Oh. That... that wasn't a rhetorical question?"
Tsunade closed her eyes. She rubbed her temples, right where the veins were throbbing dangerously.
"Naruto. Shut up."
"Got it! Shutting up!"
The only sound in the room for almost a minute was Shizune carefully picking up the larger pieces of the broken desk. Tonton, the pet pig, let out a small, frightened grunt from his hiding place.
Hinata remained standing, pale, staring at the sake stain spreading across the floor. She didn't move. She didn't even blink.
Naruto looked at Hinata. Then he looked at Tsunade, who looked like she was about to have a stroke.
The panic from the "execution" was gone, replaced by a new, strange feeling. An idea.
I'm an engaged man.
The idea was strange. It felt... heavy.
An engaged man has responsibilities. He can't let his... his fiancée... and his... boss? Grandma?... be this tense. An engaged man fixes things.
He straightened up, adopting what he imagined was a "dignified" posture. He cleared his throat.
"Hey, Grandma..."
"Naruto," Tsunade said, her eyes still closed. "Don't."
"But you look really tense! And you just saved my life! Well, I saved my own life! With my quick love declaration! But you helped! A little!"
Ignoring her warning growl, Naruto moved behind the broken chair where she had collapsed. With a confidence he didn't feel at all, he placed his hands on her shoulders.
Tsunade went rigid, completely still.
"Naruto," she hissed, her voice a low, dangerous growl. "I'm giving you exactly three seconds to get your hands off my person before I break them."
"Relax!" he said, starting to massage. "I'm just helping! It's my duty!"
"Your duty?"
"Yeah! As a... now... engaged... man!"
Tsunade let out a snort that was half mockery, half disbelief. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah! I understand my responsibilities! Totally!" Naruto kneaded a particularly tight knot. Tsunade winced, but she didn't pull away.
"What responsibilities?" she asked, her voice flat. "Remembering where you leave your empty ramen bowls?"
"Serious responsibilities!" Naruto said, puffing up with pride. It felt good. Mature. "I'll protect Hinata! She... well, she'll be safe with me! And she'll live with me now! Which is great! It's... it's traditional!"
"It's a punishment, you idiot," Tsunade muttered. "Hiashi knows it. He's sending his daughter to you so she can see what filth pit you've dragged her into. He's punishing you both. You with a wife, and her with you."
"No! It's... it's to forge the... the...!" Naruto almost said 'bond', but stopped himself. "It's to forge the... thing! The union! I get it! It's clan strategy! I'm already thinking like a Hyuga!"
"You're thinking like a lucky idiot." Tsunade tilted her head forward, surrendering. "A little more to the left. And harder. Yeah, right there."
Naruto obeyed, applying more pressure with his thumbs. He felt vindicated.
"See! I'm good at this! I'm a mature masseur! And don't worry about Hinata! My apartment... well..."
He glanced at Hinata, who was still motionless.
"My apartment needs a woman's touch! Right! That's what's missing! We'll put up... curtains!"
Hinata let out a small, choked gasp. It was the first sound she'd made in five minutes.
Tsunade opened one eye to look at him sideways. "Curtains?"
"Yeah! Blue ones! Or... or white! Yeah, white! It'll be... romantic! And maybe... a new plant!"
Naruto was getting excited about the idea. "One that isn't dead! I'll ask Ino for advice! Or Sakura-chan! We'll turn that place into... into a home! A functional home!"
"Naruto..."
"We'll be a... a pillar of the community! Me, the responsible husband, and her, the... the... the wife who puts up curtains! It's the first step of my new maturity!"
"Your maturity started today?" Tsunade asked, her voice flat. "Right after the onsen spying with the 'Seduction Tactics' scroll?"
"That was... the bachelor party!" Naruto said, way too quickly. "Right! An accidental bachelor party! And now... now I'm ready! Ready to be... responsible!"
"Naruto."
"Yeah?"
"Keep massaging."
"Got it!"
"And stop talking."
"Oh!"
"Every time you open your mouth," Tsunade continued, her eyes closed again, "I feel like I lose brain cells I'll never get back. And I need them to figure out how I'm going to explain this to the Daimyō."
"Understood! Mature, silent massage! Mission accepted!"
Naruto kept massaging in silence. Shizune kept cleaning in silence. Hinata kept being catatonic in silence.
The only sound was Tsunade's breathing and the occasional clack of a piece of broken wood being tossed onto a pile.
The silence lasted two whole minutes. Naruto was starting to sweat again, but he was determined to be "mature."
Finally, Tsunade spoke, her voice still muffled with exhaustion.
"Speaking of your new 'maturity'..."
Naruto perked up. "Yeah!"
"And your 'responsibilities'..."
"Yeah! I have lots of those now!"
"You've cost me a thousand-year-old oak desk," Tsunade listed, counting on the fingers of the hand that wasn't being massaged. "Two... no, three bottles of premium sake, counting the one you broke with your stupidity and the one I just threw. You've caused an internal diplomatic incident with the most powerful and ill-tempered clan in Konoha. And you almost started a civil war on my office floor."
Naruto winced. "But I stopped it! With my love declaration!"
"You almost started it!" Tsunade straightened up, making Naruto pull his hands back. "So... you need a punishment. And a job."
Naruto stopped massaging completely. The cold panic returned. "A... job? But I already have missions! I'm a ninja!"
"No. You're not just a ninja anymore. Now you're an engaged and punished ninja." Tsunade swiveled in the broken chair to face him. "Starting tomorrow. At five AM. You will be my personal assistant."
Naruto blinked. "Assistant? Like Shizune-chan?"
Shizune, who was picking up glass, looked up in horror. "Hokage-sama, no! I can't... I can't train him! I don't have the patience! He'll... he'll... organize the scrolls by color!"
"Hey!" Naruto said.
"Worse than Shizune," Tsunade said, ignoring Shizune's protest. "Shizune is competent. You, Naruto, will be my errand boy. You'll do everything Shizune doesn't want to do."
Naruto wasn't sure that sounded so bad. "Like... getting lunch?"
"Like filing every failed mission scroll from the last ten years. Alphabetically. By the client's name, not the ninja's."
"Ten years?"
"You will clean the medical supply storeroom. The one under the hospital. The one that flooded last spring."
"But... but... that smells like mold! And... and dead things!"
"You will test the expired soldier pills to see if 'expired' means 'poisonous' or just 'tastes bad'."
Naruto's face turned green. "Test...?! Grandma, that's inhuman!"
"And," Tsunade concluded, "you will fetch my sake. And you will clean up the empty bottles. And you will not tell Shizune how many there are."
"Hokage-sama!" Shizune cried, betrayed.
Naruto, however, was processing. His face went from pale green to panic, and then... it lit up.
"Whoa!"
Tsunade stared at him. "'Whoa'?"
"An office job!" Naruto grinned, recovering his false maturity. "That... that's very married-man! Very responsible! With a fixed schedule! And... and filing! It's... it's mature! I like it! I'll do it!"
"I'm glad you like it." Tsunade smiled. It was the first real smile she'd had in an hour. And it was terrifying. "Because the salary is also very responsible."
"Salary? I'm getting paid to test poison?"
"The salary is fifty percent of the standard Chūnin rate."
Naruto's smile vanished. He froze.
"...What?"
"Fifty percent," Tsunade repeated, savoring the words. "Half. Zero point five."
"HALF?!" Naruto's voice cracked into a high-pitched shriek. "GRANDMA, THAT'S ROBBERY! IT'S... IT'S... SLAVERY! You can't... you can't do this to me! I have... I have...!"
He looked at Hinata, who was still standing there, motionless.
"I have to support her! I have a wife! A Hyuga wife! Do you know what Hyugas eat? They probably eat fancy stuff! Things... that aren't noodles! Things with... with tiny vegetables! That's expensive! I can't support a Hyuga on half a Chūnin's salary!"
Hinata finally spoke. Her voice was a tiny, barely audible whisper.
"I-I... I don't eat much, Naruto-kun... I... I like rice..."
"See! She likes rice! I have to buy rice! Big bags! And... and fish! Fish is expensive! You can't do this to me!"
"Ah, no," Tsunade said, holding up a hand. The terrifying smile returned. "I'll take care of that."
Naruto stared at her. "What?"
Tsunade turned to Hinata. Her voice softened instantly, shifting from taskmaster to... well, to a grandmother.
"Hinata-chan."
Hinata jumped, snapping out of her trance. "Y-yes, Hokage-sama!"
"Ignore this idiot. I'm not going to let you starve because of his stupidity. Or get food poisoning from his 'fermented ramen'."
"It tastes fine!"
"I will personally make sure you have food," Tsunade continued, as if Naruto hadn't spoken. "I'll arrange a stipend for your expenses. From my discretionary fund. For food, clothes, curtains, whatever. It will be delivered directly to you."
She looked back at Naruto, a triumphant smirk on her face. "You can keep eating whatever you find in the back of your refrigerator."
Naruto felt his stomach drop.
He was broke. He was punished. And the Hokage had just become the official "provider" for his future wife. His new "maturity" felt a lot less fun.
"But... but... I'm the husband!" he protested weakly. "I'm supposed to...!"
"You're the one being punished," Tsunade corrected him. "And your punishment is being an underpaid office assistant. Accept it."
Naruto was defeated. He stopped massaging and started muttering to himself, his panic now not about execution, but about something far worse: logistics.
"Tonight... She said Hiashi would send her stuff tonight... But... my apartment..."
He started pacing in circles over the remains of the desk.
"I don't have space! My bed! It's... it's a single! I barely fit! Where... where is she going to sleep? We can't... we can't sleep together! Hiashi will kill me! He said 'I'll tear you to pieces'! He meant it!"
He looked at Hinata. She looked back with terrified eyes.
"Uh... Hinata-chan... do you... do you mind the floor? It's comfy! It's wood! I'll... I'll put a blanket on it! Or... or a cushion!"
Hinata shook her head quickly. "N-no... I... I can sleep on the floor. I... I don't mind..."
"Great!" Naruto said, relieved. "Problem solved! ...Wait. No! The husband sleeps on the floor! That's more mature! Yeah! I'll sleep on the floor! Mister Ukki will sleep on the floor with me!"
Tsunade looked at him. "Who the hell is Mister Ukki?"
"My plant!"
"The dead plant in the ramen bowl," Hanabi muttered, who had been watching everything from the doorway, having returned without anyone noticing.
Naruto jumped. "Hanabi-chan! When...?"
"And what about your 'dishes'?" Hanabi asked, ignoring him, her arms crossed and a look of pure disdain on her face.
"My dishes?"
"The tower of ramen bowls by your window. The one you use to dry your socks."
The panic returned to Naruto's face. "Oh, no! The bowls! My... my tower! It... it has history! It's... it's art! I can't... I can't throw it out! What if... what if I just... move it to the balcony?"
"And the closet?" Hanabi continued, walking into the room. "The closet you locked my sister in."
Hinata made a small sound of distress.
"I didn't lock her in! I... I hid her! And... oh, god... the closet... It's full of... of scrolls! And... and dirty laundry! So much dirty laundry!"
He started pulling at his hair. "I can't clean all that in one night! It's impossible! It would take me a week! Hiashi's sending her stuff! And... and he'll see... the bowl tower! And... and the milk!"
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "The milk?"
"The sour milk in the fridge! The one I'm scared to throw out! He'll kill me! Hiashi will kill me before the execution! He'll kill me for poor hygiene!"
Naruto stopped. His eyes lit up with a truly terrible idea.
"I know! A sealing scroll!"
Shizune, who was now bringing over a mop, paused. "What?"
"A sealing scroll! Like the ones Kakashi-sensei uses! I'll seal the bowl tower! And the dirty laundry! And the sour milk! I'll seal it all in a scroll and hide it under the bed! It's brilliant! It's... it's ninja strategy!"
Tsunade stared at him. "Naruto. You're talking about... using a Chūnin-level sealing technique... to hide your garbage."
"It's efficient!"
"It's pathetic," Hanabi corrected.
Naruto deflated. "Okay... okay... it's a little pathetic."
The panic returned in full force. There was no way out. He had to clean. He had to move the tower. He had to face the milk.
Unless...
Naruto looked at Tsunade. "Hey, Grandma..."
Tsunade's look warned him he was about to cross a line.
"No. Whatever it is. No."
"But it's a much better idea! The best idea I've had!"
"Oh, no," Shizune moaned.
"What if... Hiashi said she had to 'live with me', right?"
"Yes," Tsunade said, her voice dangerous.
"But... he didn't say when... right? Maybe... the engagement can be... long? Like... after I clean? In... say... six months?"
"He said 'tonight', you idiot."
"Okay, okay! But...!" Naruto braced himself. "I have the perfect solution! For everyone! Hiashi will be happy, Hinata will be comfortable, and my bowl tower will be safe!"
Tsunade glared at him. "What the hell is it?"
"Do you think Hiashi would accept... a 'long-distance engagement'?"
There was a silence.
Even Hanabi looked confused. "A... what?"
"Yeah!" Naruto beamed, convinced of his own genius. "Me in my apartment... and her... in hers! The Hyuga compound is super clean! She'll be way more comfortable! And she won't have to sleep on the floor! And we'll see each other! Every day! For ramen! And... and for walks! And... and for dates! It's perfect! No space problems! No bowl tower problems! Everybody wins!"
The silence stretched.
Hinata stared at Naruto in absolute disbelief.
Tsunade, very slowly, set the sake bottle down on the floor. She stood up. Her shadow fell over Naruto.
"Long-distance?" she repeated, her voice a deadly whisper.
"Yeah! It's modern! It's...!"
"OUT!"
The roar shook what was left of the windows. Tonton squealed and hid again.
"ARE YOU STUPID?!" Tsunade yelled, her face inches from his. "OR DO YOU JUST LOOK IT?! THIS ENTIRE DAMN FARCE IS SO THE PUBLIC SEES YOU'RE TOGETHER! IT'S TO SAVE HIASHI'S DAMN HONOR! SO PEOPLE THINK THE ENGAGEMENT IS REAL!"
"Oh!" Naruto said, shrinking.
"If you don't live together! If they don't see you coming in and out of the same house! Hiashi will be back here tomorrow morning with his damn sword for your 'execution'! DO YOU GET IT?"
"Ah! Got it! Living together is mandatory for not-dying! Okay, okay! Understood! It was just an idea!"
"OUT!" Tsunade pointed at the broken door. "YOU HAVE TWO PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW! AN APARTMENT THAT'S A BIOHAZARD THAT YOU HAVE TO CLEAN BEFORE HINATA'S STUFF ARRIVES! AND A SLAVE-LABOR JOB AT FIVE IN THE MORNING!"
"Okay! I'm going! But... my job! My schedule!"
"SHIZUNE!"
Shizune, who had been trying to blend into the wall, yelped and ran to an intact desk. She pulled out a scroll and handed it to Naruto with a trembling hand.
"Here... Naruto-kun. Five AM. Basement archives. Don't be late. Please."
"Five... in the morning..." Naruto muttered, taking the scroll. "Great..."
Tsunade glared at him. "NOW, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! AND TAKE YOUR FIANCÉE WITH YOU!"
The word "fiancée" hit the air hard.
Naruto froze. His "maturity" was gone. His bravado had evaporated.
He turned around.
Hinata was still standing by the remains of the desk. She had stopped staring at the wall and was now looking at him. Her eyes weren't empty. They were filled with a silent terror.
Hanabi was still in the doorway, watching them with a mix of pity and contempt.
Naruto scratched the back of his neck. Yelling and fighting with Hiashi had been easier than this.
"Uh... Hinata-chan."
Hinata jumped, startled.
"Well... I guess... you heard Grandma. And your dad. And... your sister."
Hinata nodded. A tiny, almost imperceptible movement.
Naruto swallowed. The tension was palpable.
"So... I guess... we go... home?"
Hinata looked at him. Her eyes widened just a little more.
"Eep!"