Years pass by very fast.
There's no other man that caught my interest. I just keep studying.
Typical homebody.
Going home from school, straight to the house.
I will only go out when my parents give an order.
I am now contently living in our hometown, Elder Wood Village where I grew up. I studied here until my Senior High School.
When making a decision about me taking college, we decide what course I should take and where school I will be taking it.
I thought I would just take my College just near Elder Wood so I took an entrance exam for one of the famous schools that is stationed in the heart of Elder Wood in the disguise of taking a Bachelor of Science in Education.
I passed in there. But I really don't have the inspiration to be a teacher.
So, when my mother said that I should take a college regarding Information Technology, I complied immediately.
I searched for a university that offers that as soon as I can before the start of the school year for incoming freshmen.
I didn't stop, until I stumbled upon Flying Eagle College.
It's just that, Flying Eagle College is located within Emerald Mountain Village. Though it is farther than our place there.
But I couldn't think of anything bad because all I could think about was getting into Flying Eagle College.
After many turns.
Now.
I'm starting to attend college.
A first-year college student under Bachelor of Science in Information Technology.
Yep!!
I have decided to just become an IT student. I followed my mom's request to become an IT.
For the reason that Elder wood is very far from Emerald Mountain, my mom and I talked to my grandmother to let me stay with her since we couldn't find a nice boarding house.
My grandmother agreed so after a week, I moved and lived with her.
On the third night that I'm going home after attending first year college, I was late at the time and currently in line waiting for the jeepney that will get us to our house.
It's already late that night, about eight-thirty in the evening.
Surprisingly, he is there too together with my other cousin, Joemart Wang. The brother of Brackilyn.
As for me, I'm not alone too because, coincidentally, I saw my niece who was just a Senior High School at that time. Of course, I let her join me while queueing at that time.
I didn't want her to line up at the last anymore since I saw that the line was already so long. Out of pity, I just squeezed her into my line. There's nothing wrong with that, because I've seen others squeeze someone too when they see someone they know.
She's the one who told me that she saw Yohan and Joemart which were just ahead of us.
My mind expected that we're not going to ride the same jeepney but, unexpectedly, we do.
Shit sherlock!!
When we're already riding the jeep, he's right beside me.
It's quite awkward. I don't know how to approach him or treat him so I-----ignore him.
I acted like I saw no one.
Even when the person between us got out of the vehicle, and my head was facing his way, I treated him like air.
Like I saw nothing.
Yes!!
I was an asshole and so rude at that time.
I guessed I-----offended him so we really drifted apart. Further. After that,
I am totally-----
okay-----.
It didn't matter.
The fact that I still learned from Brackilyn that he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend.
I just thought, 'Wow!! They really persist!!'
Months passed by until I reached my second year of college.
I learned to expose myself a little bit.
I became the secretary of our Department Organization.
I started mingling more. Making friends with whoever I know. But that doesn't mean I really change exactly. I just spread my wings a little. But it's still the same me. A quiet and normal chubby woman.
Within those months, I still see Yohan sometimes.
I'm so happy for Yohan since I learned that he continued his studies, Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice.
Wow!!
Criminology.
I'm so proud of him since he's already ahead of me by over one year.
I thought he'll stop when he's going to college.
I am happy for him, because, even if I'm not the reason why he continued his studies, he STILL pursues college.
We also have a handful of drinking sessions with Brackilyn, Mar and Yohan.
Those times I know.
Yohan is avoiding me and is just interacting with me formally.
We're really not close, I guessed.
Partly my fault.
So, I didn't complain.
We also have that distance between us that separates us.
I know, we will never cross that distance.
Every day during his birthday, I just silently say to him a 'Happy Birthday' and wish him a good life even though I was not able to say it to him face-to-face even in a form of chat or message because his girlfriend knows his Facebook account, she blocks all the female friends of Yohan, including me.
Even if our communication only occurs when we are in our drinking session, even if I'm just seeing him from afar, never being contacted or creating a chance of talking between us, I am already content.
I didn't ask for more.
Until one night before my graduation, we set a date again for our drinking session while I am currently attending my on-the-job training.
That night, I'm a little bit tipsy already and the others, including Yohan, we're already drunk.
I was shocked when Mar and Brackilyn went away for a while, Yohan went beside me and asked me if I still remembered what happened a few years back, in the comfort room of my grandmother.
I remain silent.
I don't know how to answer him.
So, I just smile at him and say to him that, it's already in the past.
When we go home, coincidentally, we're making our way on the same path.
Deja vu.
This time, I'm currently living with my uncle.
My uncle's name is Tyrus Wang.
Because sadly, my grandmother already held his last breath during this time.
Just two weeks ago.
I don't want to live in my old place anymore because I can't accept that Mommy is gone now.
Another reason is that—no I don't want to talk about it– it's very complicated.
I decided to live with uncle Tyrus's house because; One, we don't really have our own house, yet. Because of time, we decided to start our own house, in Emerald Mountain Village but sadly, we can't live in it yet because there's something wrong with it.
My mom even got sued because they said it's prohibited to build a house there.
The case is okay now, but it was stated in the final decision that they won the case, but the house will be demolished.
So, we have no choice but to stop.
Also, we got scared.
In addition to that, we thought that it's a big waste of money if we continue if it will just be torn down anyway. But only the comfort room, windows and lights were the missing part.
Two, uncle Tyrus' wife was in another country.
And lastly, it was my uncle himself who offered for me to stay there. Because aside from just the two of them, his child, Kashrut Wang, lives in their big house, he said that even my aunt who was abroad wants me to just be with them.
So, I complied.
While walking, he asks me if I already have a boyfriend.
I answered him no.
It's unlikely that I'll tell him I have a boyfriend when I know deep down that I still have feelings for him.
Also, no other man has piqued my interest.
After hearing my reply, he remained silent that time.
When I'm back home and he was already far from me, I just stopped at the living room inside my uncle's house.
I regret it.
I regret that I didn't give in to the urge of mine to ask for his kiss.
Yeah!!
I admit!!
Even if there's no clear relationship between us, I missed him.
I really miss Yohan.
I still have that interest that becomes---even if I'm denying it myself--- a word called love.
It started to bloom.
I am also feeling the possessiveness and obsession that is engulfing me, towards him.
I wanted his attention. I carved it.
I wish I were his girlfriend.
I know it's bad but---- I can't stop myself. I still have the rationality that he has a girlfriend, after all. I don't want to ruin their relationship. But I can't do anything. I have no power to stop what I feel.
So, even if I didn't show what I am feeling, I know it's there. It's being suppressed deep inside me, by me.
Knowing the truth.
Accepting the truth.
I remain silent.
I didn't take the initiative for him to notice me.
Just because of that, the problem is also mine.
I am also to blame for why I am hurting this badly.
There's no medicine for regret so I just make do with it.
I will just continually live with it with my complex feelings.
Upon entering the shared bedroom with my cousin. Coincidentally, the said cousin, Kashrut is not yet sleeping.
I forgot that she's used to staying up late. Because at night, it's the only time that she can still read manga and watch social media.
I know from the very start that, even if she's a girl. She has the heart of a man. Though I already noticed it. I just keep silent.
As she's very close to me, one day, she confessed to me that she's attracted to anyone. Whether the person is a male or a female, even if they're lesbian or gay. She's still infatuated.
Yeah.
She's a certified Pansexual.
I didn't have any disgust toward her.
I didn't hate her because of that.
As I am an open minded person, I REALLY ACCEPT HER for who she is!
Add the fact that, I too, was in love with Boy love or BL. Whether it's a manga, series, or novel, I really love them.
Of course, I myself only knew that. Well except for Kashrut as I know, I AM THE ONE WHO INTRODUCED HER TO THAT KIND OF WORLD.
I didn't openly show it to others. But even if others find out, so what, I don't really mind it anymore even though I know I'm a certified real woman.
I graduated.
Of course, while carrying that feeling.
Afterwards, I went back to Elder Wood Village.
Maybe I will forget how I feel.
I hope so.
I was able to breathe a sigh of relief from then on since I won;t see him during my stay at Elder Wood.
With that peace of mind, I happily went back.
Having the wish of having the opportunity to have the rest that I can have myself after more than eighteen years of studying.
I rested for one whole year.
I really didn't have the urge to find work to fend for myself.
Though I help with my mother's small business in selling fruits, vegetables, all kinds of meat, fishes, small groceries and the likes.
Within one year, I wasn't really hanging around.
Of course I am not become, a child who does nothing even though they have graduated from college.
Within that year, I trained for my very first National Certificate under Bread and Pastry Production NC II. I passed. After the training, I did my own small business that was being sold in my mother's place together with some homemade small snacks.
Such as making banana bread, small pizza, small pies, and other snacks.
I love food.
So of course, I have an interest in cooking.
Cooking is all I can say that I am proud of having.
Anyways, when starting my small business, of course, I started to have my money.
Even if it's still little, I am earning my own.
So, it didn't cross my mind to look for a job.
I am already content with it as I gave myself a one year ultimatum to have a rest after I venture in our real world.
I also take the Civil Service Exam though I will not get the result after six months. So, I decided to wait.
Of course, the happy days when we are joyful will just stop suddenly. Because for me, the gossip has already started about why I'm just hanging around. That, I already graduated from college, but why don't I have a job.
It's as if it's a huge sin that I didn't immediately get a job right after college. Add to that, my dad wants me to start working.
I thought to myself, why does it feel like it's my fault? My dad doesn't even have a job—he just drinks whenever he wants. He can't say I'm not doing anything anymore, because I'm the one who practically takes over the whole shift selling at my mom's stall. I even had a small business back then.
That's why I began to hate him even more. Back when I was in high school, while I was busy studying, he was always drinking—and the worst part was, he would pick fights with my mom. My hatred for him started during those times. Besides, he doesn't even have a job, yet he never stops talking. He complains even more than a woman does.
Unexpectedly, I was asked to apply in the previous office where I did my on-the-job training after graduating. I was able to pass immediately in their requirement.
So now I handle one of their sub offices under our main office.
At first, I'm still coping and adjusting at my first job. After all, the person who was replaced by me didn't even teach me what to do in my job. What should I do? Of course, it's all thanks to me being self-reliant.
It was because of my own self-endurance and self-learning that's why I adjusted early . I was so proud of myself. Huh!! I can do it after all.
Still, I live in uncle Tyrus's house. Again. Even until now, we didn't decide for me to live in our abandoned house as we still didn't continue making it. There's still no comfort room, windows and lights. But until now, it wasn't demolished.
They happily agreed that I'll just stay there for now. Even though I'm embarrassed, I can't do anything about it because the rent in boarding houses is expensive. What's more, my mom is scared that I will be left alone. What if something bad happens to me, they say.
My days went by as normally as possible.
Nothing adventurous happened.
Though yeah, I admit that I still see Yohan sometimes but as always, as we're not close, we didn't communicate.
Like I said, I am already content, even in just that way.
I can't deny it. I didn't forget him. My feelings for him are still there. When I realized that it wouldn't disappear. I didn't make an effort to get rid of it.
I just let it be.
I also didn't like any other guy anyway.
Even though I sound like I am too delusional I can't help but see and say that I know I have admirers or people who are infatuated with me now, even though I'm this fat.
I am around sixty kilograms after all and one-forty seven centimeters tall. Yah! Yah!! I'm a midget.
Anyway, I still like Yohan.
I wanted him.
Yohan only, nothing else.
Yeah.
I'm obsessed with someone that I know, he will never be mine. But what can I do? I'm this kind of person. Even if they will call me a martyr since I keep on being a loyal person with him. I don't care.
Within those years, my feelings are only with him.
One night, Mar invited me to another drinking session together with him, his elder brother--- Steward Wang--- and Yohan, in the house of his big sister because only his big sister's children were in the house.
So, we agreed.
I know it's weird since I'm the only girl, but we didn't invite Brackilyn because we already had some issues at that time. Besides, we knew she would refuse anyway. If we invited her to drink, she'd just say she's turned over a new leaf and doesn't drink anymore. She always says that, so we stopped inviting her.
It's getting tiring too.
She's getting too dramatic in my opinion.
Maybe Mar too, is avoiding inviting her because once, Brackilyn's father reprimanded him when he invited THAT girl to drink cause according to his father, she doesn't drink.
Damn it!!
They really see that woman as a good person.
They don't know that she has many dark secrets.
Just like that night during my birthday. That time I turned twenty-three years old. Brackilyn even suggested that we should be a little extravagant. That is why we are going to drink Alfonso mixed with coke.
It was a little bit pricey, but I didn't say a thing.
I didn't even complain.
Kashrut, even join us.
Though I see to it that she will not drink a thing. She's only sixteen after all.
I am over protective.
I know that.
We drink beside Mar's house, in the open area there. Aside from us five, me, Brackilyn, Mar and Kashrut. They invited Yohan. As it's all about drinking, he will definitely join.
They also invited Brackilyn's cousin and his girlfriend. Brackilyn was late to join us because she said she had to wait for everyone in her house to fall asleep first. While we were waiting, another three guys joined us—and we knew them too. Especially me, since I knew one of them, Liam Jones. I even helped him with one of his subjects before. We're neighbors and go to the same school, so I often help him out.
When Brackilyn joined us, I could tell she was uncomfortable because of the three guys. She secretly told me that Liam had taken a liking to her. It seemed that Liam had started showing interest in her and even told her he was going to court her. That's why she said she was avoiding him—she didn't want to see him anymore.
I just replied, "ah".
Then I said to her that, I didn't know, Liam was that kind of person.
Anyway, during our drinking session, I noticed that Brackilyn—who suggested what we will drink and I hoped that as she chose the drink, she will drink this time—-—-didn't even drink a single bit.
Annoyance, hit me.
I was so annoyed with her.
She's being so dramatic and acts like a baby.
I was even more annoyed and irritated towards her when she said that Liam kept on getting closer to her that time. That's also the reason why she can't drink properly.
As I was annoyed with her, I ended up drinking more.
I just thought that she was acting up again. That she's just making excuses again.
I didn't believe her. Not even once, because honestly, Liam approached me. After that, we talked longer than usual. Reminiscing what happened during our college days, especially when I helped him.
Now, she's saying that Liam was hanging and hovering around her. Shit!! Here's the big catch, I talked to him almost the entire time he was there. Mind you. It was just us, because he was the first to come to me when he probably noticed me drinking alone on the side and just staring at the moon.
But while Liam and I were talking there, I noticed Yohan squatted beside me. I got worried because I thought he was already tipsy as he was drinking, he might fall there.
So, I told him that he might fall there, but he didn't pay attention to me. He just stares at the front blankly.
I was still annoyed at that time with Brackilyn. That's why, I didn't pay any more attention to Yohan. Let him deal with it.
That night went by just like that.
Kashrut went home before me.
When we finished and we go home, my heart filled with warmth as,
"Is it really your birthday? Happy Birthday Lief."
Yohan said to me while we left together, again.
Well, I have a heart of a sponge cake for Yohan.
My feelings for him have come back to life again.
My heart is hoping again!!
Damn it!!