When I get to live in our own house. I invited Mar to have our own one on one drinking session.
While drinking, we talk, we laugh.
Unexpectedly, one of the topics leads to that Black Lotus.
It stupefied me knowing that she, too, has feelings for Yohan.
What a big world.
So, that's why she is like that.
No wonder, she hates Yohan's girlfriend.
Since we got blocked by her in the man's Facebook account, she keeps on complaining towards me. Whining why that woman doesn't want to break up with Yohan or the other way around. Her possessiveness and obsession with Yohan is already showing at that time.
All of Black Lotus' criticisms of Yohan's girlfriend.
Now I know.
Though I got disappointed with Mar since I found out within his words that he said something, all the previous words that I've told him about that black lotus. Because he said that Black Lotus and I should talk.
I already knew it.
He too.
I can't trust.
He really said something to the black lotus.
With Black Lotus words, it seems I've been flipped again.
I am in the wrong again.
Like always.
Well, even though I know Mar is close to that Black Lotus, I said it anyway.
Whatever I wanted to say about that Black Lotus, I said it all to Mar.
I don't care if he will say it all to Black Lotus.
I want Brackilyn to know that I'm done with her anyway.
Even if I end up looking bad. The villain within their eyes. I don't care. Because it's already too much, I always end up looking like the bad one in the first place.
Since then, I haven't talked to him about that woman, anymore.
After our one-on-one session, we decide on another drinking session.
Fine!!
We look like we have really become addicted to drinking alcohol.
But this time, we have Ivanna with us. She's a certified Lesbian. Though we have Yohan also.
All throughout our session, we keep on laughing. It irked me also, as the two, Yohan and Mar, were already selling me to Ivanna.
Idiots.
In addition to that, they kept on dragging me as they introduced me to Ivanna. Stating that I'm single. She can always court me.
Bastards!!
I was just minding my own business there.
This stupid Ivanna, got fooled by the two.
She seems to have started to take interest and liking towards me.
The session that day was at my house.
After our session, when I lead them to stairs—-
"Will they stay here?" Yohan asks me.
I laugh. "Uhuh!!"
I know who he is talking about.
He also laughs, "Really?"
"Yes." I said with a smile.
But after minutes of wanting to say something to me, he decided to stop talking and said his goodbye to me.
"Until next time."
After that, he proceeds to leave.
While leaning on the wall of my house, I silently laugh there.
I know what he wanted to say.
That promise!!
But I keep on being oblivious to that.
As Kashrut was with us, along with my other little cousin, Luca, and their friend, Samuel, I insisted that the three of them stay the night before the session began.
Yes, it's my fault!
I had a feeling of fear about staying alone at my house after the drinking session. Because I knew something might happen between Yohan and me, especially since I would be the only one left at home. I wasn't ready yet.
Within three months of living at my new house alone, Mar invited me into another drinking session. This time, it will be in his house.
As always, I agreed. We're only three, this time, me, Mar and Yohan.
After the drinking session, I walked home and was climbing the stairs to my house. I didn't know that Yohan followed me.
When we reach the door, I keep on declining him but he insists on entering my house.
I don't want to let him in because I know he has a plan.
I still haven't forgotten what I told him back then.
"Hahaha, Come on. I won't do anything, promise. I am only here to stay for the night as I am sure that they already locked our house."
We stayed outside the house, still softly arguing about whether to let him in. But, as I've always had a soft spot for him, I finally gave in and let him enter.
I couldn't help but laugh when he immediately threw up in my sink, without even offering him a hand.
'Good for you.'
I know he has intentions towards me.
I'm a woman.
Alone in the house.
He wanted to do that kind of thing with me.
I know that.
But, even with that in my mind, I didn't do anything, I just complied.
When he forces his way in my bedroom, I let him be, again.
When we lay there, he said,
"Why did you cry?"
He asks as he sees the tears in my eyes.
I didn't answer him, as I felt truly betrayed.
He had just told me that Kashrut had divulged to Brackilyn what happened that night. Leading in that Black Lotus confronted Yohan to confirm if we really did anything.
I didn't expect that Kashrut would say it, not with that Black Lotus. Because all along, I know how she kind of didn't like her.
Also, she won't betray me.
Assumptions!!
Fucking assumptions!!
So, that's why. Prior to what happened now, she said that I easily trust people. That's why she told me not to trust anyone, even if they are close to me, even her. So that's how it is. Now, I know.
"You shouldn't tell that kind of thing to Kashrut, she's still young. She didn't know how to keep a secret yet." Yohan said to me. I know he's blaming me, but he dares not say anything.
I am currently using his arm as my pillow as we both lay at my bed, side by side.
We both stare at the ceiling.
"Hmm. . " I nodded
"Did she really ask? What did you say?" After a while. I ask Yohan.
"Nothing. Of course I declined it."
"Hmm."
After a while of silence, he lay on top of me suddenly.
As I stare at him.
"What?"
"You promise me, when your house is already ready." He said and then he kissed me.
Yeah.
That promise.
I told you.
He didn't forget that.
This time around.
I know.
I will not decline him.
I will not resist.
So, I let him do whatever he wanted to do with me.
He kept on kissing me until I felt him sliding my dress up as he pulled down my undies. Then his hand reaches my sweetest spot.
He played it for a while.
My breath fastens.
After a while, he entered me suddenly.
Without preparing me more.
I cried out of pain.
He asks me if this is my first time.
Shit!!
I got offended by his question,.
I told him, "Hmm… You're the only man who I gave permission to hold me, you know, it's within you whether you believe it or not."
I didn't care if he would believe me or not. All I could focus on was the sharp ache inside of me. Every attempt of his entering me felt impossible. I know, frustration grows within him each moment.
I felt completely exposed, vulnerable.
He stopped moving.
"Should I eat you?"
I shake my head no, immediately.
I don't want him to do it.
I feel really shy because that part of mine is so hairy.
I don't want him to stare at my core face to face. Not with that embarrassed state.
He played with my core while I kept breathing hard, feeling shy and overwhelmed. As he grew impatient, he tried to enter me again. This time, without further ado, his thrust didn't stop.
I was so uncomfortable as I was still feeling pain.
He didn't seem to notice my reactions and continued without pause.
I moved along, trying to keep up, while the only sounds were the creaking of the bed and my rapid breaths.
I gave myself fully to him, without complaints—but then, unexpectedly, he stopped.
I guessed he was done already.
But for me, I realized I wasn't satisfied yet.
Though I didn't tell him.
Ultimately, I decided to surrender myself completely to Yohan.
After everything, he just left that night.
I let him go, even though I didn't want to.
I didn't believe his excuse about not being used to sleeping away from home.
I just knew he wanted to leave.
So, I let him be.
Close the door, and lock it.
I leaned on the door.
Tears are flowing in my eyes, rapidly.
There and then, I burst out crying.
Crying so hard until I felt my body falling until I just crouched there. Hugging my legs while crying. Holding my mouth as I don't want any kind of sound will escape in it. I don't want the neighbors to hear.
It really hurts.
I'm in so much pain.
It really hurts to love someone despite knowing that I can't have him.
My love, my obsession and my possessiveness with Yohan.
All of those, even if we really have no relationship, no label they say, I keep it within my heart.
I stay loyal to him.
Within these years, I can't let myself into loving someone else. Only Yohan.
I cried hard. I don't know until when. My crying didn't stop even if I found myself getting back in my room.
Unknowingly, I drifted off to sleep, worn out from all my crying.
After what happened, no one knows.
I got depressed.
I didn't tell anyone what happened.
How I feel now.
After what happened between us, even though I appear to be okay and interact with my cousins, uncles, and aunts as if nothing's wrong, deep down, I am still mourning.
Slowly.
I slowly teach myself to be okay.
I buried myself in my work. Into reading novels more. Into Watching Thai and anime series. Even if I already stop watching any of those.
Unexpectedly, while I am slowly recovering from my own delusion which is hurting me now, I was hospitalized during our mandatory outing and needed a three month recovery.
Within those days, I decided to let go.
I love him.
But—
I know.
He will never become mine.
I already did my very best to love him from afar. To stay loyal to him.
I already gave my ALL to him.
My heart, body and soul.
One day within those days of recovery, when I have the strength to go out already. I went to a salon and asked them to cut my hair.
I'm done.
It's time to move on.
This is so abrupt. But what can I do? Nothing.
I just don't know if I can find someone else that will interest me again. Someone or a person who will catch my attention. Someone who will become mine and mine alone. Someone that I can say that he is MINE ONLY.
Someone who will accept me for who I am, and love me genuinely. Someone who will stay with me for a long time, who can love me and be kind enough to match the love, possessiveness, and devotion I can give.
I just hope that.