I am Lief Wang Blanc.
I have a childhood friend. Well, I can't say that he is my 'childhood friend' because we grew up in a different place since I'm from Elder Wood village while he's from Emerald Mountain Village. Though, as we grew up, especially when we went back to my mother's motherland to visit our relatives, we played a little when we were young.
When I was in eleventh grade in my Senior High School and I was just 17 at that time, we saw each other again and mingled together with my other cousins because it's the wedding of my big sister. A cousin of mine from my mother's side which was held in Emerald Mountain Village.
That night, we laughed. We drink. We enjoyed the moment.
What a beautiful night that is.
It's just that, to my surprise, he took the initiative to invite me for a dance.
Yohan Milton.
I am-----
surprised.
And----
yeah-----
happy.
I'm happy that Yohan still offered me for a dance since I'm having a very inferiority complex about myself.
Truthfully, I am fat, around sixty kilograms. I just have fair skin but I'm not beautiful, just an average looking one.
In my young age, I am bigger than my peers. That makes me look down on myself more.
Add the fact that I'm already so down at myself as I have a trauma because of the car accident of my younger sister as I witness how she died.
I know, I am the reason why she died, I didn't take good care of her enough.
I really blamed myself for what happened.
The car accident happened when I'm on my second grade in my elementary school days and she's still a kinder that time.
Even my parents, in their drunken state, they blamed me, face to face, separately.
My little heart started to have cracks already at that time.
I closed myself as I just can't move on.
That very event still haunts me until now.
Yeah.
I'm fucking doomed.
Fucking ruined already.
When I'm attending school, I didn't change. Instead, it worsened as my classmates didn't like me.
I don't understand nor I tried to understand.
I just do nothing and only minding myself.
From grade seven to grade ten, it always happened.
They all bullied me.
They hated me for no reason.
So, I grew hate for them too.
But I do nothing.
Within those moments, my world slowly closed even more.
Though within those years, there were men who became close to me. Although not that handsome and simple looking, they're all cheerful, sunny and funny. They all look cute to me.
By being comfortable towards them, even if they were all boys, I became friends with them.
In my young age, I have so many problems already.
Really freaking screwed!!
Back to the story, during my cousin's wedding. . . .
After the wedding, our escapades continue.
We continued drinking together with my other cousins, Mar Wang and Brackilyn Wang.
I'm so happy at that time as I am quite enjoying myself.
As usual, my drinking capacity is showing.
That time, with our interaction towards Yohan, I felt accepted.
It happened to be our vacation from school so I stayed at Emerald Mountain Village for a month.
Not just within that wedding night. Our escapades last longer than I thought.
As I am not conservative.
I just go with the flow, especially with them always inviting me into different and continuous 'drinking sessions'.
One night, another 'drinking session'. . . .
After we drink, I'm still sober even though I drank a lot. Currently, after we finish all the drinks, we're going home already.
Truthfully, I have known that I have a big tolerance for drinking alcohol since I was a child. I grew up in an environment where my father is a drunkard. Whenever they have their own session, he lets me drink a shot of alcohol, to let me taste. Starting that moment, unknowingly, I was trained slowly until I grew up.
When we went home, I was with Yohan because on my way home, coincidentally, it intercepted his own way home. So, we walked together.
For me, without suspecting anything, it's only natural for us to walk in the same direction.
When we reached the front of my grandmother's house—where I currently live, since we don't have our own house in Emerald Mountain Village—I couldn't help but feel a little sad. We only stay at my grandma's place whenever we visit the village for vacation. To my surprise—
"Where's my good night kiss?" Yohan asks jokingly.
It was like I was possessed, only stoned there.
But maybe I was already enchanted by the magic of the alcohol—
"Hahahaha. Maybe you can come here." I said teasingly at him while smiling.
I saw that he was surprised, "You sure?"
I just nodded, before I could go back to my words.
After a while of being dazed there, Yohan slowly walked through me. When he was already in front of me, he asked again, "Lief, you sure?"
I nodded again.
Before I could say a thing, he kissed me right through my lips.
At that time, I said to myself, 'So, this is what kissing is like.'
This is my first kiss, truthfully.
Yeah.
I admit.
Even if I am a girl, I'm starting to get interested in porn. As curiosity kills the cat, I started asking, How is it? What are they feeling? Is it good? How would I feel if I was the one doing it? What would happen to me?
Afterall, I am a very open minded person. I just go with the flow. Letting him do whatever he wanted.
Maybe, after Yohan was already satisfied with kissing me, he stopped.
He stared at me.
Of course, am I going to be defeated by that stare? Of course not.
I look back at him too, eye to eye.
We just stare at each other.
We didn't even say a thing.
It surprised me, when he kissed me again.
The kiss is so intense.
I can't endure the intensity of the kiss.
When I couldn't hold on, I held onto his shoulder using my both hands, side by side.
I know he was surprised too because of how I acted as I felt that he suddenly held my waist tightly. Caging me from within his body. The heat which is seeping out from his body is very hot.
It's burning me.
I heard him chuckle slightly for a moment.
I know, this is my fault as I take the initiative.
But what can I do? Yohan really attracted me.
This started when he caught my attention at the wedding. I admit. At that time, he already caught my eyes.
When Yohan can't catch his breath, he stops.
But he keeps kissing me.
Again, and again.
Just like now, he was still kissing me deeply.
I didn't act and pretend to be narrow minded. LIke some kind of sissy who acts shy with just simple intimate actions like kissing.
Besides, I like it. I am enjoying it too.
Our kiss deepens even more until it becomes a French kiss.
Lips to lips.
Teeth to teeth.
Tongue to tongue.
Clashing without caring if someone saw.
We didn't stop.
We just kissed there until I felt that he guided me to the comfort room just right beside the house.
At that moment, I thanked the heavens as the comfort room was placed outside the house.
I just let him. As I am still drunk towards his hot kiss, I didn't object.
During that time, I started anticipating more.
When we were inside, we kept kissing.
But I stopped him suddenly while I stared at him directly, "What if I got pregnant?"
He smiled at me, "Don't worry."
At that, he kissed me again.
We kept kissing, even when I heard him close the door and lock it, we kept on kissing.
I didn't even notice what he did, my thoughts only kept on thinking about how he was kissing me.
It was making me dazed.
He pulled me closer towards him. After hugging me tight, he held me tightly towards my waist, then he kissed me again.
My lips now are sore because of his kisses. But it doesn't matter. I kept on going. I didn't protest.
I felt his hand start to wander through my cloth body. Caressing, pinching.
After awhile of playing, I felt him unbuttoning my pants
After he opened it, he slowly pulled my pants downwards
He reached for my leg. He touched it slowly. Fondling and stroking it like some kind of smooth porcelain. His touch keeps on getting upwards, until he reaches my lovely spot.
I was so shy at that time due to the fact that, at my age, my hormones had already started to change and my hair was already grown there.
Shaving was not a part of my vocabulary at that time.
But even so, he continued to hold that part.
He played with it even.
He stopped when, I guessed, he already played enough.
At the same time, I felt myself wet already down there.
He guided me to make me bent, my back facing him.
Without further ado, he entered me.
I was startled at the moment because of his sudden intrusion,
I felt pain.
I bit my lips because I didn't want to utter any sounds.
But I guessed, with his drunkenness, he pulled his core unexpectedly away from the jewel.
I signed for a brief moment.
That pain greatly startled me.
For a moment, I felt nervous.
He tried entering me again many times.
It's just that, for some kind of reason, he can't enter me again.
I felt him give up. But that doesn't mean he gave up. Because his lust overcame him. He keeps on rubbing and thrusting his manhood in between my legs.
His thing, keep on rubbing through my jewel.
He tried to penetrate me again but he just couldn't.
His breathing fastened.
At that moment, I wanted it.
But I also couldn't.
I guessed, despite whatever his feelings at that time, Yohan noticed my reaction of being absent minded there and not reacting.
I felt him stop suddenly.
He straightened me then he held me tightly, my back facing him, as we continued to catch our breath.
He didn't kiss, touch or try to do anything else.
He's just purely, hugging me there.
After a moment, I heard his raspy voice.
"Hahaha. Don't worry, I won't do anything."
I didn't answer.
I just stayed silent there.
I don't want to interrupt that hot moment but I just can't.
The sudden urge to stop him, erupted from within me.
There's so much of my rationality strikes.
Again, with a deep laugh, he helped me arrange my clothes.
He then held my hand and led me out of the comfort room.
But when I was thinking that he would leave immediately after a brief goodbye, he pinned and caged me through the wall.
With his tall height, my head slightly touches his chin.
He leaned and reached my lips.
Giving me a kiss.
Again.
As usual.
I didn't shy away.
Instead I responded.
Because I thought at that time, I have nothing to lose if all that happens is a kiss.
After a while of kissing, I felt him move away from me. His forehead, against mine, "It's time for me to say goodbye."
"Hmm. . . "
He stared at me deeply.
After a while of silence he said his goodbye again and he turned his back and proceeded to go home.
Without stopping.
I also didn't stop him.
I just leaned on the wall, staring at where he vanished until I couldn't see his silhouette.
I, myself, can't fathom what I'm feeling at that moment.
When I'm sure that I already composed myself, I went in through the house.
I went directly to my bedroom.
Thank God my grandmother is already asleep. Because for sure, when she's still awake, she's going to question me on what happened, non-stop.
I didn't want that.
I felt so tired at that time.
Both mentally and physically.
When I reach the room that I'm staying in, I lay on the bed.
While lying, I still felt the heat from him.
I felt like he was still right beside me, caging me from within his hug. I signed with mixed emotion. With the different feelings that I am feeling that night, sleepiness consumes me as I slowly feel the drowsiness given by the alcohol that I've drunk.
The next morning, when I woke up, I just lay there for a moment.
The scene before, slowly sank into me.
I feel ashamed but also a little bit of excitement.
I also have the feeling of eagerness in seeing him again. Because that moment, what I believe, is that maybe his feelings become closer and better.
In other words, we're a bit close now.
At the same time, I remembered that there's a small festival that Emerald Mountain Village will hold that very night.
I get excited.
I anticipated that I could see him again during the festival.
But—
When we went to the place where the festival was being held, I didn't see him.
Even the silhouette of Yohan Milton, nothing.
My mood dampens.
I lost my courage.
I guessed.
He didn't remember what happened.
The next day, in the early morning, I decided to leave. I decided to go home.
After deciding abruptly, I packed my things and said my goodbyes to my grandmother.
I even said many make up reasons, just so that she will not think bad thoughts.
I went back to Elder Wood with a very disheartened mood.
I got the ride home using a bus, while riding the bus to my hometown, I'm just literally gazing at the window. Just watching the scenery while listening to some music.
My thoughts are unknown.
I didn't think of anything.
I was just simply in a daze.
Unconsciously, as I really didn't feel it, tears slowly dropped and fell down from my eyes.
I didn't care if anyone saw me.
I just stayed still there.
Just waiting for when I will reach my destination.
My mind was already blank.
At that time, I didn't know that, what I was feeling was already a heartache.
Days passed.
Weeks pass.
I still can't seem to move on.
Yeah!!
I kind of took the initiative.
I should've agreed to that goodbye kiss,but--- I can't forget.
The scene keeps repeating in my mind.
My cousin, Brackilyn, who was with us during that time, mentioned to me that Yohan already has a girlfriend.
My heart broke even more.
Unconsciously.
He already has a girlfriend.
Acting as I'm okay, I keep responding to Brackilyn's messages. Going in the flow throughout our conversation. Acting like it doesn't matter. But it did, truthfully.
I even only listen to her when she complains about Yohan's girlfriend.
But what can I do?
Do I complain about what happened?
Retaliate?
No.
I'm not a bad woman.
So, why would I ruin a good relationship just because of a certain "relationship" that really has nothing going on, especially between us and Yohan?
I don't want to break their relationship.
I don't want to be the reason for their separation.
One day, while we're still in our summer break, while I'm drying the clothes that I just washed.
I suddenly received a message from Yohan.
I was surprised.
While calming myself, I checked what the message said.
The message asked how I did.
Of course, I responded that I was okay.
That small text continues.
At that time, I told myself that it wasn't bad that I was talking to him even though he already had a girlfriend, through cellphone messages. We weren't hiding anything so it was okay.
I am happy.
All the time.
Every time during our conversation.
He even joked that he wants to do it again. The thing that happened to us.
I was flabbergasted because he remembered it.
I only laughed at him and told him that he should be saying that to her girlfriend directly.
But----
"Hahaha. She's different. I can't do that to her because I respect her."
Those words wake me from my delusion. Like there's cold water that was splashing in me.
I'm hurt.
My chest tightened.
Hiding the pain that I felt. I just replied to him okay. I even joked to him that he really cherished his girlfriend and how enviable that was. After that, I didn't reply again to any message that he sent me.
I felt really dirty.
I felt that I didn't deserve to be respected by Yohan. Not just Yohan, but any man that I will like or have interest in.
That no one will do that to me, like Yohan treated his girlfriend.
That anyone who has interest in me, they just want to get me and bed me just like that.
That I am so easy to get.
As I swim into my depression, I just take it all by myself. I didn't tell anyone.
After days of us having no contact, I received a text from him apologizing. I just replied mildly to him that I'm not mad at him, that I just got busy. But I made him promise me that he will not tell anyone what happened between us.
Thankfully, he assured me that that thing shouldn't be said to others.
I am relieved.
I can probably trust his words.
After that, I didn't contact him anymore and I deleted his contact and our previous conversation.