I walk inside her pottery room, and it's even prettier in night time, the large window strikes moon rays as some sparkles down here. Everything's shining, quite exactly how she left things. Nothing is moved, even the mess of pottery looks art, that is why art is so important. It makes us talk about the parts of us we didn't even know existed. Art makes us experience those parts in depth, more on the edge, but we grow, our prespective, the words on the tip our tongue ready to brust out get made into a vase, and suddenly the need to express those words is gone, in a design.
"Who is in?" Ayat yelled from outside. "Sam?" She enters, took her shoes off outside and stepped in.
I feel happy after a long time. What Ifan did for me, brought back the will to get back on my battle field again. Glad that happened.
Kerim may not be the type to spill the beans, but I've got my waysto make people speak, excluding torture, of course. Contemplating different ideas, trying not to become like my father.
I know I have a kind heart somewhere.
I know Ayat brings some generousness in me.
She is the good in me.
"I want to learn, properly this time." I grin.
"I taught you properly last time."
"There are so many in the process, let's complete one of these." I act clingy.
"Do it yourself." She crosses her arms.
"Why did you left these?"
"I'm procrastinating" She replies.
"Procasa- what?"
"It means to delay or postpone any action that I most probably should've done earlier, I'm procrastinating to fix these, I'm just currently out of ideas."
"I knew that" I clear out my throat.
"Sure you did" She rolls her eyes.
"You're making fun of me?" I ask
"When did I do that?" She's acting dumb
"That sure sounded mockingly, you think I'm stupid?"
"I never said that."
"It felt like it, yea sure I'm not educated but I'm still-"
"Cute" she scrunches up her face continuing my sentence, I wasn't going to say that- my cheeks flushed red, I open my mouth to respond.
"I'm not quite in the mood" But she leaves me hanging.
"Come on now, don't play hard to get, teach me master." I bow, as I take my seat down on the cushion laying. "Isn't it a bit late?" She's acting shaddy, didn't we put this behind us when we kissed a few days back? I clearly remember crashing against the wall while drowning in each other, I told her I liked her, I made it clear. I remember every single detail as I kept recapping that memory.
"Last time you bearly taught me, sitting afar from me." I hold her hand, pulling her to me on my lap, she flinches a little.
The minute I make her sit on my lap, the tip of her nose turn pink.
"This time you can teach me from up close." I whisper in her ear, wrapping my arms around her waist to secure her body.
"Why do you wanna know?" She looks down at me, Her scent via her neck is too strong for me to keep a straight face, I'm blushing like a simp for sure, I may even be looking like a fool but I don't care. A stray of hair drops down her face. "Because I want us to share the same interests."
"I'm a little shy on that, but sure I'll teach you." She puts clay on the wheel, I from behind her, brushing through her arms, touch the clay she already was holding to beshape it. It's slippery, moldy, but this time we managed to not make it slip away, or splashing it everywhere, we contained it inside the wheel, shaping it into a beautiful piece of vase, big enough for roses to fit.
"Look at you go." She laughs.
"I told you I'm good at everything."
"You just might actually be." She matches my sarcasm.
"I am a bit of an expert." I wink, she laughs enormously.
"Bro you're scary when you laugh like that." I act to be shocked. She snorts even louder.
"Why? do I remind of you a- I don't know, a witch from your past life?" She pokes my nose.
"Before I wasn't sure, as for right now, I think it might just be the case." I make a scared expression, pulling down my eyebrows.
"Good, you should be scared."
"Do you know what I do when I get scared?"
"No?" She nods.
"I kiss the person I find near me to erase the scared feeling." I say. "You're so lame" her cheekbones flush a bright red tint.
I slightly push my upper lip so they touch her lower lip but I don't kiss her just yet, I move my lips slowly down her neck, my hand finds it's way to her hair, I tuck her hair behind her and I place a gentle kiss on the left side of her neck. lethality reaching her collarbone with a slight touch of my lips thoroughly brushing down, I place a soft kiss on her collarbone, it's pretty- leaving it's burning warmth within it. I move my other hand under her shirt from beneath, grazing my hand up her waist. She lifts my chin up, making me face her. She's staring at my lips. Her posture of sitting on my lap is making her seem a bit taller than me.
"Just so you know If I ever saw- even a glimpse of sadness, I wouldn't be okay leaving you so- " I whisper "Your ex was okay with leaving you sobbing. I would rather tear the heart of the reason who made you cry." I say. She smiles and pulled me in close, till our noses touch. In an instant she kissed me, and I lose it, we start making out, my hand stayed under her shirt, grazing every inch of her body and our kisses grow intense.
"Ayat?" Faiza get frozen in between the door.
Oh you've got to be kidding me.
Did we just got caught?
We instantly push each other back
"Yeah yeah- it's out of my eye.." Ayat pretends, rubbing her eye. "That's.. that's good—" I nervously turn to Faiza. "Ooh hello! when did you get here!" I laugh nervously. "Ayat.. yesh she.. she had something—I uh.. stuck in her eye.." I while laughing, gesture my eye. making a failed attempt to convince Faiza but I kept going on. "I was.. haha uhm helping her get.. hey uhm that thing out of her eye." I awkwardly lean against the wall behind me, knocking the mold fall down. "Oops- sorry I- didn't see that-"
"Guys I literally saw you both." Faiza crosses her arms. "Making out." She says.
I dramatically walk to her.
"Please don't let Ifan know-"
"Yeah please you're the bestest, we'll tell him ourselves when we're ready" Ayat holds Faiza's hand to her heart.
"What's going on here?" All three of us flinch to Ifan's voice.
"OHH HEYY" I jump around awkwardly showing excitement to see Ifan. "Good to see you man! Ah I missed you!" I bear hug him tightly. "We talked like two hours ago." He mumbles because he's wrapped inside my arm. Mushed against my chest.
"Doesn't matter, I love you" I kiss his cheek to show affection.
"Ew you're so weird!" He pushes me back, wiping his cheek, more specifically wiping my kiss off. Rude.
"I wonder why he's acting like that." Faiza with a straight face makes a sarcastic comment, who knows what else she's capable of. "He's always that weird." Ayat hits Faiza with her elbow. "Isn't that right Faiza?" She's weirdly smiling to keep Faiza quiet. "We were here to invite you guys for dinner." Ifan mentions.
"Oh goodie!" Ayat rubs her hand lovingly.
"But you both can't go like that-"
"Excuse me?" Ayat and I both look down at our clothes in sync. "Oh-" We're smudged in clay and dirt.
"It's a fancy boat restaurant. Faiza's taking us there." Ifan says.
"What's the occasion Faiza?" I ask, how much does she earn.
"Think of it as my early birthday." Come to think of it- how old is she?
"How old are you—"
"Come on let's get you glamed up!" Ifan shoves me aside, making my sentence unable to be heard.
"AYAT."
"I wanna get glamorous, too." I say. Seeing Sam and Ifan leave.
"I'll help you with that. Meet with us in two hours." Faiza says for the boys to hear. She is taking me to my house.
"I have to have a new dress." I say, whilst she drive.
"Do you want to buy a one now? I can stop on the way." Her voice is so mature and deep, she's hot bro. It's actually mind-boggling.
"Do you know any good boutiques?" I ask.
"Yeah, plenty of them." She answers.
"Recomned me one."
"I'll just take you there myself." She smiles, the way she talks with her siren eyes, is so calming and soothing, she can easily be a psychology council.
"Sure" I blush to the fact that she's helping me out.
We stop at a very luxuriously looking clothing store.
"It looks- expensive."
"Trust me, it's reasonable."
"I don't know-" I'm second guessing.
"Sometimes it's better to expend a little on yourself to make that hidden womanly energy glow." She thinks very differently than I do- maybe a hint of change perspective is all I need to make my femininity spark.
"Come on now, don't waste your time- give yourself a treat, make that little girl inside of you happy."
Oh God- I might cry- all my childhood, I've worn used clothes, which made me never buy myself accessories- come to realise it.. I don't expend money on myself? When was the last time I bought a pair of earnings? or a pretty necklace? I set limits, for who? I limited my wants to make sure my needs are fulfilled, not seeing our wants are as important as our needs.. I've never even bought myself my favourite brand's makeup.
It's petty- it's saddening, I never realised I punished myself this much.
I'll actually cry, I'm not kidding, I'll cry.
"Come on-" She holds my hand, pulling me inside the store.
"Look at this one!" She takes out a navy blue slink dress, she makes me stand infront of a full sized mirror and puts the dress on me. "It'd look stunning on you" She says.
"Will it?"
"It absolutely would, go try it." She calls over a worker. "Show her the fitting room."
"You should look for one too."
"I'm already glamed up inside this coat I'm buried in, it's a surprise." She smiles.
"I feel bad, it's your birthday and I'm the one getting special treatment." I frown.
"It's making me happy, let me." She pushes me inside the fitting room.
"Don't over think!" She says.
I'm inside the fitting room. I exhale a breath so petty I feel disgusted.
I put on the dress-
And woah.
It fits me—quite perfectly over every crave of my body. It looks pretty—I guess?
I look- beautiful, but those scars on my arms are still apparent.
Those ugly scars-
I look hideous, I don't want this dress, no matter what I wear, I'll always be awful looking, hideous germ.
Tears fall down my chin, I wipe them immediately, rushing to take that dress off of my body.
"Ayat?" Faiza calls me from the other side.
I say nothing but I think she heard my sniffs. "Unlock the door Ayat."
I inhale a deep sigh–and open it for her.
"You look stunning! why are you crying?" Oh please don't ask me that- sob alert!
She cuddles me in her arms, covering my head against her shoulder, silent tears rush down my face. She says nothing- simply pets my head soothingly.
"You look so hot, Sam would drool looking at you."
I laugh. That was funny.
She's wiping my eyes softly. "I don't know what you're feeling, or what you thought of, all I know is that you look so beautiful, keep it on, please."
"But the scars- they're visible." I complain.
"What scars?" She blinks in confusion.
"These scars-" I display my arms infront of her—There is no scar—My heart skipped a beat.
What?
I look myself in the mirror, there is no scar- I swear I just saw them a minute ago.
I'm- what?
I stare, unblinking. My face turned pale in fear and shock. I stood there for several minutes.
Parhaps I should take counseling.
That took so much- so much of my gut, I feel- relieved, as if a mountain has been lifted from my chest. She just nods smiling.
"Are you buying it?"
"Actually- Yes." I grin.
We get to my house. We're getting ready in my room.
"Ayat we're late, they'll show up in half an hour."
I keep staring at her makeup.
"You haven't even started yours yet."
"Uh.. I don't know how to." I burry my face in my hands, I'm so embarrassed!
"Let me do it" She stands over me. "This shade?" She pick up a lipstick.
"No, too red."
She looks through my pouch. "This nude one?"
"Would it suit my skin?"
"Of course it will."
"No, I don't want this."
She searches for more. "This one?" Shs takes out a warm peachy shade.
"I guess.. wait no! I'm sure, yes!"
She laughs. "Part your lips." She puts lipstick on my lips. "It looks pretty on you, compliments your eyes" She winks.
"How do you stay so- confident?" I ask.
"I'm not always confident." She sighs.
"You always look so put together."
"Sometimes I am, many times I just pretend."
"Fake it till you make it?" I ask.
"It's not faking it if we're actually trying to work on ourselves, it's just- sometimes being bold, it's loud and sometimes it's hidden."
Oh my- did she just change my view on things?
"So keeping it hidden isn't faking it." I ask.
"No, It simply means we're exhausted of looking perfect all of the time, and that we need our low moments too. Which is normal, looking plain is normal, looking tired is even more beautifully normal."
"Aren't you afraid of what others will say on your hidden days, when you don't feel like being put together?" I ask, my voice low.
"Who cares what others think, they'll talk trash even on my perfect days, besides I'm not really pretending to be bold so that others get pleased, it's to show, the power we hold, even when we're tired. I'd be looking like a mess, in my trousers, hair up in a bun, but I wouldn't lose my confidence. The thing that makes me bold, and a woman, isn't my glam, it's my comfort in being me. As long as I don't feel bad, then that's all that matters" She smiles.
"Loving ourselves can be difficult." I say.
"I agree, It can be a hell of a crisis," She chuckles "But letting anyone comment on that journey, is being ruthless to yourself. Never allow anyone to make a comment on something they have no idea of. People, all they do is show criticism, we just have to learn to not listen to them." She says, putting blush on my cheeks.
"Do you love yourself?" I ask, my gaze tracing her beautiful bold features.
"I do, and I wish everyone did."
"How can I love myself- when all I can think of is, how ugly must have I been, that all my aunt could think of was to drag me, beat me—and punish me." My voice cracks.
"In this case Ayat." She lifts my chin up to her. "She's the ugly one- not you." She says.
"You're sitting right infront of me, talking to me, and all I can think of is how precious Ayat is, how amazingly beautiful she is in this dress, How beautiful she looks when I show up to her house unannounced and all she's wearing is shorts and tanktops, I look at her, and she's snacking on some bizarre snacks, watching a series that's three hundred episode long, and she still manages to look so alive and beautiful, because she is strong and talented, she worked on it, and earned that self respect."
I'll cry-
I'll sob, stop-
"Ayat you need to understand that being not put together 24/7 isn't bad, our society made it seem bad, they expect women to do everything pleasingly without complaining, but being tried, and exhausted is what makes us humanly- and there's nothing more beautiful than to have that lively feeling." She says.
"You're right." I look down.
"What really is wrong, is you douting yourself as a woman- do you want highlighter?" She says.
I nod, she puts it on my cheekbones and on my nose bridge.
"You're a great woman, I can see that, Ifan and Sam can see that, but what's important is that you should be able to see that." She pokes the tip of my nose with the makeup brush.
"I'll try." I giggle. Never did I ever thought I'd be having a conversation like this with a woman- she's so perfect, imperfectly perfect.
"That's it- the minute your mind speaks the heart. 'Try' is the best way." She smiles.
"Look, and tell me how you feel." She hands me a hand-mirror. I'm scared to see my reflection, I uplift it to my face.
"I look- pretty."
"You really do." She says.
House bell rings. "The guys are here." She laughs.
We walk ourselves out of my room, they already invited themselves in with the spare keys.
"Hey—oh.. wow" Sam's mouth parted a bit. "Ayat?" He pretends to get hit by an arrow straight through his heart and bows down on his knee. I laugh, and he stands back up, walking up to me."You look—stunning. You look astonishing, how I imagined a rose's scent to look like."
I hide my blushing cheeks.
"Ah heavenly. I've never seen a walking, breathing, brightly blinking rose." He lifts me up off the ground and twirls me around, I giggle and chuckle under my breath.
"What's with him?" Ifan whispers in Faiza's ear. "Youth." That's all she replies with.
"Don't get too cocky Sam." Ifan's bothered- wait till he finds out we've just made out- twice now- he'll murder him, the thought of that being unfold makes me uncomfortable- but the feeling soon fades when Faiza walks near my couch, she took off her coat and turned to Ifan. All that frowning Ifan had on his face turned into butterflies.
"Oh Neighour, you just took my breath away." Ifan blinks, consuming Faiza's beauty for it to leave a sincere remaining ahold in his gaze forever, he's my brother I know what he feels.
I would, too. It's Faiza, who wouldn't? She made such an appearance in our lives in such a short amount of time, these past two months, I've seen my brother the happiest. I wish she never leaves. But then again- that'd be too much of me to expect, and expectations always end up not being fulfilled.
Sam puts me down, clicking his tongue, titls his head slightly left, making an expression of biting back his want to kiss me. Containing his heart.
"You look beautiful Ayat." Ifan walks behind Sam.
I run a hand down my dress to smooth out a few nonexisted wrinkles.
It's true, I do feel pretty.
"Let's go children!" Sam yells. "Let's get Faiza's party started!" He's walking to the door, he moves his hand up and down mimicking a train. "Choo choo, let's go!" He pauses mid way. "You look good by the way" Sam saluts to Faiza, then yells in excitement again. "Let's go children, let's go!" He grasps his car keys.
Sam unbuttons his cufflinks, taking a seat right beside mine, I'm so hot right now, it's making me mad, I want to pull him in and kiss him till we're melted. But I stay cool.
"This place is gorgeous." I say.
"I know right, my brother loved this place." Faiza's deep solid voice always manages to leave a whif behind.
"Your brother? You've never mentioned that to me." Ifan spreads his arm behind her chair. It seems like she regrets telling us about her brother, which is why I don't want to ask more about him. "Oh it's nothing." Faiza tucks nonexisting stray of hair behind her ear, quickly dividing her attention back on me. "Ayat, I want to know about your journey." She asks, which made me feel noticeable. "About my business career?" I make sure we're on the same page. "I always knew she'd make it." Sam clasps his hands behind his head. "You're such a liar." Ifan gasps. "You doubted her, I remember when we first left her."
"Left her?" Faiza asks.
"We used to work in a different city." Sam covers the conversation. "Which city?" Faiza asks. "Oh it's nothing special, just a small city near by, where our parents used to live." Sam opens the menu. "Oh- Ifan never told me."
"It's really nothing" Ifan adjusts his elbow on the table. "Guys we've only known each other for two months, give each other a break gosh." I try to calm the tension that was building. "Anyway, Sam and Ayat, you two seem pretty close to each other." Faiza says, I know she won't spill our secret, she's asking that on purpose to see what Ifan has to say about this.
"Really? You think so?" Ifan roves his eyes between Sam and I. "I don't know about that, they've always been mean to each other." Ifan puts his hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam laughs nervously.
"Besides all three of us have always been like siblings."
Sam's eyes widened as he nearly choked on his food.
Oh brother- not all three of us.
"Be careful bud." Ifan slaps Sam's back twice.
"Not all three of us." I say nervously laughing. "I only have one brother, and that's you." I say.
I can see Faiza covering her smile under her hand. "Yeah, mine too." Sam plays around with his fork.
Before the awkwardness could expend, waiter shows up to take our order.
While everyone swiped the menu, I felt intense guilt peaking inside me.
Oh no, what am I doing to my brother?
After a while or so, our dinner made it to our table.
"Please don't tell me there isn't going to be a birthday cake!" I make a pouty face.
"I don't usually buy myself a cake." Faiza says.
"Which is why I bought it for you." Ifan's smile grows tender and wider. I was in the plan. "Happy birthday to you." The waiters sang as they all show up with a double layer cake. Faiza's eyes widens. The glow of the candles and mumbling of the workers, bland in this magical moment, Faiza looks surprised so I guess we did a good job but she also looks terribly sad, I don't know if one should look this devastated when receiving a cake. I look at everyone, Ifan's clapping and singing as if a bird got free, and Sam—looks shocked? Paused? I follow his gaze and it's on one of the workers there. A lady. His brows raised, feigning indifference, and his pupils turning thin in fear.
"Sam?" I place my hand on his to get him out of the zone he was in. He flinches to my touch. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He clears his throat. His gaze slightly averted, avoiding eye contact. He's lying. The cake got here and we celebrated with singing. Faiza blew her candles. We're all applauding expect for Sam. He's avoiding someone. "Happy birthday Faiza!" I wish her. Ifan shared the rest of the cake with all those workers.
I look at Sam to see if he's still looking at that lady or not. It upsets my heart to see, he still is.
"Who is she?" I ask Sam, Ifan notices when I point her out, without making it obvious because that'd be ill manners.
"Oh." A hint of gasp escapes Ifan's lips. Who is she? What is going on? "What?" I ask.
"That's Elif." Ifan finally tells.
"Elif?" Faiza asks. I'm so confused. "Elif who?" I say. "My ex." Sam stands up. "Excuse me." He says, with a slight, involuntary twitch of his lips.
"Sam?" Ifan calls him.
"I'm good, a little rest room break." He forced a smile. Is he not over her? If yes then what is he doing with me? Am I suppose to be a rebound?
All kinds of horrible thoughts are appearing inside my head and I can't pause them. I'm jealous, I'm over jealous.
I think Sam and I are going to have to take a pause. This does not feel right. My gut got shrunken and my throat feels suffocating. I shake my head to make the numbness of those tiny tears go away. He's getting under my skin.
Our dinner got severed but my appetite is washed down.
After we ate, my mood got spoiled with each minute going by. I think, they all noticed that. For Faiza, I kept smiling and talking but I ignored Sam the rest of the night. We celebrated, and drove back, dropped Faiza and Ifan to their apartment. Now there's only Sam and I left in the car with only awkward silence. He's still stressed after seeing his ex. And I'm still stressing after comparing every single little detail of myself with Elif. She was— Hot. I'm not. Am I really his type? Did he ever stop loving her? What was her story?
"Are you good?" Sam asks, his eyes stayed on the road ahead.
"Me?"
"Yeah you."
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be." I start iching my palm.
He just hums.
The time went by and his focus was divided the whole ride. And it's pissing me off.
My house arrives and I walk up to my door. Sam walks behind me, does he think I'll invite him in? I don't want to right now.
"Open up, it's cold!" Sam stands besides me.
"Sam. I uhm, I think we should stay at our houses."
"Are you telling me to leave?" He laughs. He thinks I'm joking with him.
"Sam, I'm serious."
His grin slowly fades.
"What's wrong? Come on, I'm sleepy." He chatters.
"Sure, you can go" I'm already upset.
He kept staring.
"You did not just told me to go-" He raises his eyebrows in denial. I cross my arms, turning my head away.
"Are you still on about all that Ifan talk? I told you I'll handle it." He quickly says.
"No, its not that."
"Then come to bed with me." He says, as if these words were on tip of his tongue, ready to burst out.
"I'll come to you, but not before Ifan knows, it's the least he deserves." I'm doing right, imagine your best friend sleeping with your sister behind your back.
"Of course. Do you think I'm staying for Sex?That's the least of my concerns Ayat. What I meant was, we'd watch a movie, cuddle in maybe." He justifies himself, and he looks adorable doing so but I can't forget how he looked at Elif.
"Ayat you have no idea how deep my heart is carved for you. It's enough to have me no option left to go back now." He holds my hand up to him.
"One tiny problem." He smacks his lips.
"There's this thin line of Ifan in between of us, ever heart of him? Let me remind you- he's your brother."
"It's not only Ifan, Sam." I say to what his eyes wobble.
"Then what? Listen, I respect him, which is why I'm laying back. I respect you too, very much- but then again how much respect can I possibly have for you when I dream of devouring you in my arms." He can't get his way through with his Sam talk. I'll fold, I need to keep my dignity.
"Sam it's about Elif." I snap my hand back.
"What?" He blinks in disgust. "What are you saying? What does she has to do with anything?" His lips curl up in confusion.
"This was a huge mistake" I snap out in frustration.
"What?" His voice fades into his throat.
"Us, you and I, rushing into this without letting Ifan know." I yell.
And it seem like my words went like an arrow through his throat. He coughs and says. "A mistake?" While his voice shivered.
"We shouldn't move, not before you're sure of me." I take a step back.
"I am."
"No, you're not. I saw how you looked at Elif tonight and I can't be with a person who isn't over their ex" That's good Ayat.
"It's not like that, the only reason I was stunned was because I saw her after months." He's stuttering. Is he lying?
"And?" I say, crossing my arms.
"And that you obviously don't know how it feels to be cheated on." He says, and all of a suddan he's no longer pulling his eyebrows down. He stands still, and his voice had turned void.
"I'm done explaining myself." He completes his sentence.
"And I'm done letting people walk over me." I defend my concern.
"I'm a better person when I'm with you." His eye contact is extreme. He's towered over me.
"That's the thing Sam—I don't want you to depend or rely your kindness on me, I want you to be kind in general." I say.
"I didn't want you to start something with me either but here we are. Aren't we?"
"All I'm saying is, we should pause until we tell Ifan."
But in reality, I don't think you're over your ex yet. And I'd hate to be used as an rebound. That'd ruin me. I like you so much, deeper than I've ever liked anyone.
I know how It feels, because in all my relationships I've been finding you. And I'd hate to be the woman in who you look for her.
"Okay." This time his voice did quaver, but he maintained a nonchalant tone.
"I already told you I was hideous, but you let me in anyway—so it's on you sweetheart." He walked away, didn't leave a minute for me to say something. I wouldn't have said anything anyway.
I messed up, didn't I? I don't know. I can not afford to let more people walk over me, push me down in the mud.
I'm so done.
Super done.
But—did I really just let go of the person I've been crazy about since I was twelve?
Are we really done?