Nearly a month later.
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells." I sing.
"Jingle all the way, oh how fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh." Ayat continues in her very sweet vocals.
The snowflakes fall around the street outside, casting a whimsical glow. Every corner is alive with the sweet scent of roasting chestnuts and the sound of laughter. It's Christmas eve tonight, December went by in a blink of an eye, all that I can recall from December is 3rd of December when I gave Ayat my sweater, she looked alluring, so the memory got set permanent, other than that I can't remember when the Christmas spirit officially took over. But it did early after our uncle's funeral. Ifan even said he has no hard feelings for him anymore. Every pain within him vanished.
"Sam look" Ayat's walking besides me, hand in hand. We're taking a walk in Ifan and Faiza's neighbourhood, their building is quite tall, if we squint our eyes a bit more we can almost see them up decorating their tree inside. We're down roaming around the street. After our uncle's funeral, Faiza and Ifan made up. Ifan specifically told me Faiza came back to him, he seemed happy.
Shops with people of all ages hurried along the sidewalk, their arms laden with bags of ornaments, and twinkling lights. Storefronts are evolved into winter wonderlands, with festive displays and decorations that seem to sparkle and shine in the fading light.
"Look where?" I ask Ayat. She's yet again wearing my sweater for tonight because it now has special meaning to it. I must say, conan gray really grew an obsession for all the girls from around the world.
"There!" She points out a group of carolers, dressed in Victorian attire, standing in the corner, their voices blending in perfect harmony as they sang "Jingle Bells." Passersby stopping to listen, tapping their feet along with the beat, Ayat in a hurry stands with them, clapping her hands. She really loves Christmas, more than anything, maybe even more than me. I laugh at her leaving me behind. Across the street, a team of elves- or rather, volunteers in elf costumes are very busy decorating the giant Christmas tree in the street square. Cnce again I must say, it's a very beautiful tree with all the ornaments shining through the whole street. "Ayat we have to go now, Ifan's waiting for us."
"In a minute!"
I smile looking at her, how did I got so lucky to have her here with me. She walks to me in a very good mood. "You seem to be in a good mood now."
"Of course I am! It's Christmas!" She throws her arms up in the air.
"Good, I thought you were still mad at me for not bringing gingerbread houses."
"Ugh that-" She growls softly. "For that I am still mad at you."
"We can make simple bread houses." I grin awkwardly to ease her red nose.
-
-
"Oh Come on are you still mad!" We made it up inside Ifan's apartment, as soon as we got here Ifan and Faiza shoved us the responsibility to decorate Ifan's tree while the two of them can start decorating Faiza's tree. We all know that's not the only thing they'll be doing, that's just an excuse to hide all the kissing they'll be doing.
"Yes I am, how will we enjoy our night now!?" Ayat scrunches up her nose in anger. She's already in her Christmas pajamas, and oh my Gosh she's adorable.
"I just wanna mush your face and kiss you! You adorable human!" I burry her face in my hands as I kiss her forehead. She laughs at me doing that. "Hey don't change the subject!" She slaps my hands away.
"Come on! What will it take for you to forgive me now."
"Nothing! I just hope both sides of your pillow are warm" she crosses her arms.
"You're cursing me?" I blink in confusion
"Yeah, I mean yes because the other side of any pillow is always supposed to be cold when you turn it around in the middle of the night." She chatters.
I laugh to myself, how can I control myself to not find her absolutely adorable?
"Don't you laugh at me, or else I will certainly tell my brother about it" She threatens me, pointing her index finger at me.
"Is that supposed to be a threat?" I look down at her finger "I don't think that's strong enough to be a threat sweetheart" I say and without thinking I lean in close to give a soft peck on her cheek, she flinches a bit, her eyes get widens, her tinted cheeks are all cherry red, she shakes her head in denial and looks back at me again. "What was that?" she pushes me frowningly.
"Now that you can say is a threat your brother certainly won't like" I wink at her.
She doesn't respond, just shoves me aside rolling her eyes and leaves me behind.
"What? I was only giving you a stronger threat idea"
she's already gone, I laugh again to myself and to the thought of her being so gorgeous, maybe too gorgeous for her own good. I can't even blame the weather anymore, it's her- she brings the warmth with her and takes my breath away whenever she leaves me behind all cold without a warning, and I think I'm in trouble, because she knows exactly what she's doing to me. "Ayat!" I call her, she's sitting on a stool at Ifan's kitchen counter.
"Sam I think it's time."
"It's time for-?"
She needs to elaborate for me to understand the context.
"It's time to tell Ifan about us."
"Oh yes- that." Come to think of it- we really need to.
"You're sure about me right?" She asks me, twisting her feets.
"Sure? It's been a month, 'Sure' is a very little word to describe how I feel for you Ayat- I'm down fallen deep for you now to be 'just' sure about you sweetheart." I kiss her cheek.
"I know you are." She smiles. "You know, I thought now was the perfect time, it's Christmas eve tonight, he wouldn't even be able to be mad because who gets mad on Christmas right? Besides it'd be wrong to celebrate Christmas together with him not knowing about us, it'd be like-"
"Relax baby, I've got this" I grab her shoulders to keep her relaxed.
"You have got what?" Ifan stands a few inches away from us.
"Fuc- You scared the shit out of me." I flinched a lot harder than normally.
"Sam." With a gentle nudge she motivates me to finally speak.
"What is going on?" Ifan's eyes are locked on me, I think he might have quite an idea of what I'm about to say.
"You're my brother, you know that right?" I smile awkwardly while I make him sit down.
"What did you do this time?" He squints his eyes, after our uncle died we worked on ourselves, became better to understand each other more effectively. We became our old selves again, and I do not want any more conflicts between us, I don't think I'll be able to bear that, since I have to have a very serious conversation with Victor after new year's day, and I need the courage to do so, and only Ifan can bring courage in me. Which is why I don't want things to get missed up.
Ifan has that authority over me, I gave him that power long ago.
I don't sit down just yet, I let him sit down first.
"Sam just tell him." Ayat puts pressures on me because let's be real I'm being a pussy.
"Tell me what?"
"That uhn we're- uh"
"Sam." Ayat basically coaxed the words out of me.
"I'm in love with Ayat!" The words tumbled out of my mouth, I closed my eyes just in case he doesn't punch my face, but when I slowly reopen my eyes to see what the silence is about. Ifan's still sitting, his face looks worn out, way too pale and Ayat looks shocked. "In love?" She's staring with such doe eyes filled with questions, as if something lifted off of her shoulders, she looks- concerned.
Happy concern?
"Bro?" I say waving my hand on his face to check if he's still breathing.
"I think he went into a coma?" I whisper to Ayat.
"All this time?" Ifan finally speaks.
"Ifan look-"
"All this time- Your secret girl- was my SISTER?" His voice turns all squeaky and brotherly, He throws a pillow he had under his elbow, straight at me, I run behind Ayat for shelter.
"Ifan, will you please just listen" Ayat insists. "I really like him. I do" She looks at me. Eeee! Butterflies, I can't hold it in anymore!
"What's there to even like!?" Looks like Ifan's going crazy, because what the actual shit?
"Hey? What the what?" That's so offensive.
"Shut the fuck up!" He runs to catch me and I run away from him, I jump over his couch and threw a pillow at him.
"I'm good looking, smart, loyal and did I mention good looking?" I dunk down when he throws a shoe at me. You got to be shitting me!
"Oh Come on dude." I say as I crawl under the table to hide. "Don't you dare dude your way back to me!" He grabs my feet and pulls me to him. "Help! Ayat help!" I'm yelling over here! can somebody just help me!?
"Stop it. Both of you." Ayat stands over us, and Hermione's her way through. "This is insane. Can't we just talk about it like grown ups?" She crosses her arms.
"Yeah, you're right"
"You're right." We're both in sync.
Ugh.
What were we thinking? jumping and kicking like a bunch of children.
After an hour or so, we're awkwardly sitting around Ifan's living room table. No one is saying anything, just us and awkward silence all around us.
"Okay but on a real note though" Ifan gently sits up. "What are your intentions with my sister?"
"I like her, Infact I really like her." I say.
"How serious are you with him, Ayat?" He's being a dad, who does he think he is? But I can't point how he's being a pain in the ass or anything right now because it is true, he's her elder brother. I need to impress him for now, I have to set aside the fact that we're known each other for all our lives.
I'll be a best friend to Ifan later after he's done being a brother, then I'll kick his ass, but as for now I need to be decent in order for Ifan to like me and accept me for his sister. "And I'm a very decent man to begin with." I say.
"I know how decent you are." He mimics me.
What? But I am though?
"Tell me Ayat."
"I like him, we've been seeing each other for a month now and he's been very good to me." Ayat says.
"Hmm" Ifan frowns, looking at us with pure pressure.
"I can't believe it." He strokes his chin.
"My best friend and my sister!" Out of fucking no where that man starts smiling, celebrating to be exact. Ayat and I stare at each other with so much confusion.
"Weren't you mad just a second ago?"
"Don't remind him that." Ayat pinches my elbow. "Ouch-"
She's showing me those very bossy eyes again. What is it with deniz siblings and their ruling over me? I mean yes I technically gave them that but come on now! I have self respect too!
"I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with my sister anyway. Sam's been our friend since forever, he's the only right option for you." He hugs Ayat. Bro what is going on!
"So!" Ifan says, sitting back down. I give Ayat a reassuring smile and she nods, taking a sip of her water.
"When are you going to marry her-"
Ayat spats out her water, spraying it everywhere. I in a hurry get her a napkin, wiping her hands and face.
"Aww my best friend and my sister!" He's singing again. "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Everywhere I go." He sings, his hands clasped together.
"When are you going to ask for her hand!" He asks the simple thing again, making Ayat choke on her water again. "What is wrong with you Ifan, that's so embarrassing." Ayat says, hiding her face in her sweater sleeves.
"What?" Ifan asks in confusion.
"Hey kids." Faiza walked inside the main door.
"Faiza look! Look, Sam and Ayat are seeing each other!" Ifan excitingly rushes to tell Faiza. "I know."
"What? Since when?"
"Since the start."
"What!?"
Ayat and I burst out in laughter.
And the night went on. Its the morning that counts anyway.
We get to have presents!
"Once again. A mimic of history. A vengeance so loud, yet quiet. What have you done Sam?" Someone whispered in my ears, which kept echoing till it expended and reached every wall, every floor I walked on. Covered in blood, and pile of bodies of people I didn't harm.
"Yes you did Sam."
No I did not. I would never. I would never hurt someone that graphically. I'm not that person.
"Ah but you are. That's the problem Sam. You don't think." That someone sounds so familiar, almost as if I can see them. "Look at yourself."
My heart panicked, my sleeves rolled up, clothes dirty, shoes splashing whatever that is on the ground. I'm too terrified to look at myself. Why? It's a hallway I'm in. The walls have handprints of blood. Floors have footsteps of mud and shattered blood droplets. Bodies near me have got me on chokehold. "LOOK AT YOURSELF! what have you done?"
I slowly look down at my clothes. Spluttered in people's blood, I did harm. My hands— shivering, dripping blood, finger by finger, each fingernail becoming aggressive. What have I done? My Shoes in blood.
My weapon in blood.
My vast in blood.
Blood!
Blood
Blood
There's blood everywhere!
"What have you done Sam?"
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
What have you done Sam? What have you done Sam?
I didn't!
I didn't!
Shut up!
What have you done?
"Shut up! I'm going to rip your fucking skin off!" I screamed my lungs out.
"There you go. The rage."
"Shut up!"
"How exactly are you trying to shut yourself up? Uh Sam?"
My heart gagged to see, Its me. Its me who I've been talking to.
But his eyes are hallow black. What?! He took a step further. "Don't come closer to me!" And I shot him!
My eyes opened as I gasped hardly and harshly. I'm panicking. I'm covered in sweat. What the fuck was that? A nightmare?
A dream?
A blackout?
The hell?
My heart, my hands, my legs. Everything is panicking.
I turn to see, Ayat sleeping beside me. And I remembered. Faiza and Ifan slept in Faiza's apartment, where as Ayat and I took Ifan's room.
Last night was incredible. But then Why a dream so dark? On Christmas day? Curse you universe.
I get up on my wobbley legs, and washed myself. Forget about the dream Sam. Its Christmas, I've been excited for this day for as long as I can remember. After years I get to celebrate it with my true family and not just members of my hub. Today's special, let's forget about everything bad happening for once. I take a deep breath in.
I'm ready.
-
"Let's get our presents open!" I yell warmly, to wake everyone up, it's 5am in the morning, I love presents so much, I couldn't wait any longer. I jump across the hall, into Faiza's home.
"Wake up! Wake up children!" I drum on Faiza's room door.
The door crack opened. "What!?" Ifan's standing with his shoulder slumped forward, his hair messy, in his nightshirt.
"You put that on fast." I smirk.
"What is your problem man?" His nostrils flared.
"It's Christmas!"
"It's five in the morning!"
"Still Christmas." I smile.
"Okay, let's go. Come on." Faiza appeared behind Ifan's shoulder and walked ahead of us. "See! Your girlfriend agreed with me."
"Sam would you please try not to be this annoying." He too walked ahead, groaningly.
"Even If I could, I wouldn't try."
We get to Ifan's apartment, and sat in a circle because it's present swiping time baby!
-IFAN-
It's time, it's time, it's time. I'm going to give Faiza her present, I've packed it for months now. Oh God, I'm sweating, will she like it? Will she not? How much? How much not? Bloody hell. What if, what if, she gets triggered by it and breaks the start of our relationship? Oh no. Stop overthinking Ifan, she's going to love it! Hopefully, fingers crossed. Please love it. Faiza can be difficult to understand, most people say that, but I understand her. What I don't understand is, there are times where she feels involved with us, shows the impression of being happy to be around the three of us, but then there are those other moments where she looks staightup annoyed by us, as if she doesn't want to be around us, and sometimes she looks as if she's gulping guilt of being with me which crashes me, because I'm not that bad to be with. Am I?
On the other hand, I can't believe Sam and Ayat are actually dating for month now. I mean how? What I remember is them being those mean children fighting over bus seats and cottan candies. When did they start to like each other? I was shocked, more stunned. But I'm not mad at them for liking each other. They're both every likeable people. I'm mad at them for hiding it. But often situation make it hard for us to share. I'm not mad, I'm scared because Sam has issues, and not to sound problematic, Ayat shouldn't clean someone else's responsibilities. He clearly is going through the most of what he has ever find, he's becoming someone we're not aware of, and that scares me, because Ayat's my sister. And worse, Sam is my brother. I don't want them to break up over something that'd hurt both of them to a point where we won't be able to sit in a room together. Something too deep to recover from.
"Let's open them!" Ayat cheerfully raised her arms up the air.
We're sitting around the living room, surrounded by piles of colorful gifts. We had decided to have a gift-swapping game, where each person would bring a wrapped gift, and we'd take turns swiping gifts from each other. It'd be so much fun. Hopefully.
Ayat, who was first, carefully unwraps her gift to reveal a sleek, it's new China dish set. A beautiful baby pink with floral design on it.
"Woah! Who gave me this?"
"Whoever it is, must be very smart." Sam proudly smirks.
"Sam!" Ayat nudges his shoulder, with her classic stretched up version of Sam's name.
Her eyes widens with glory, and she quickly wrapped her arms around Sam's neck. "It's perfect!"
Sam laughs. "I knew you were looking for a original set which I remember your words exactly, you said a set that must have unique sentimental meaning to it."
"I know!" She does the Monica geller expression. They're both in their matching hellokitty pajamas, trousers with black t-shirts on.
I hate to say it but they're adorable together. I've never seen Sam being such a baby around someone.
It's cute.
"You're welcome sweetheart."
"Wait wait!" Ayat climbs over the huge box someone wrapped, and took a medium sized gift and sat back with Sam. I wonder whose that huge one is.
"Who did you get." I ask Faiza.
"I got.." She's adding suspense, she carried out a box packed with beautiful orange packaging. "Sam." She passed it to Sam.
"Oh wow." Sam covers his face. He tends to get a little red when he receives a gift.
"Look how red he's turning!" Ayat keeps pointing that out, laughingly.
"Let's see what you got me." Sam tears the packaging apart.
"Be a human, would you." I roll my eyes.
"Never was." He struggles to untape the last bit. "Ah" He unbox it to see there's a mug that says I love jam.
Ayat bursts out laughing.
"Har har you're so funny Faiza." Sam sighs with a hint of chuckle.
"It's hilarious" Ayat laughs.
"You low-key got the best amongst all." I add to the joke.
"I'm just kidding. Here's you real gift." Faiza hands him box of woah—Nike box.
"No way!" Sam gasps as he opened the box.
"Bro don't tell me, don't tell me! Are these the updated version of the classic Air force 1, the newest air force 1'07 ones!" He enthusiastically says.
"They sure are." Faiza smiles.
"Dude that's so awesome! You're shitting me!"
"Language Sam" Ayat laughs.
"I gotta try them on right now!" He immediately takes off his slippers and began to wear these.
"Alright who's up." I ask.
"Me!" Ayat stands up. "I got you Ifan." She drags the huge box to me.
"The huge one was for me all along?" I laugh.
"Open it!" She clasp her hands together in excitement.
I gently unwrap it because I'm not an animal like Sam.
"It's a giant BEAR!" Ayat sings.
"Oh my God Ayat." I laugh. "Its adorable!" I say.
Ayat walks over the torn wrapping sheets and gives me a little hug.
"Thank you baby" I hug her back. Faiza's eyes fond deeper. I wonder what she's thinking about.
"I already knew what that gigantic box had inside." Sam laughs.
"You're next neighour. Who did you got?" Faiza looks over at me.
"Ah yes." I blush. I have the best one set for you ma'am.
I give Faiza, her gift.
She's gently unwrapping it.
"Ooo I wonder what it is!" Ayat sings.
The room is filled with oohs and ahhs, as well as playful arguments over who got the best gift, while she opened her gift. The last piece of sheet when she tears it, made her hands froze a bit, and she immediately looked up at me with gaze of questions and a hint of spark, even happy tears.
A globe worth that reaction? If I had known, I would've given it to her earlier.
But this is the perfect moment saved for it.
"Ifan."
"I remembered." I chuckle, rubbing my neck as my cheeks flush red.
"What is it?" Ayat ask. Sam's also leaning, leapping over a bit to see what it is.
"It's something from bits n berries." Sam guessed.
The box is antique, it's not a hard guess.
"Ifan, you didn't have to."
"I know I didn't have to. I wanted to." I slide myself closer to her.
"Come on ma'am. Don't keep us kids waiting." I say. She chuckles softly. Her hands are almost shaking.
Such deep meaning attached to a snow goble showed me how simple humans are.
She takes it out of the box.
"It's exactly the same." Her eyes sparked.
"That's gorgeous." Ayat's little gasp made Faiza chuckle under her breath again.
"Play it." Sam says.
I love how everyone is so involved and as interested as Faiza in this snow globe. Faiza twists the key, and the tree began rotating, playing her favourite instrumental.
And all four of us kept staring at it. It's beautiful, but what's more beautiful is her. Her gaze fixed at it. Her little smile and her charming eyes filled with love I've never seen before. What's more beautiful is Sam and Ayat's presence with her, them peaking at it, leaning over the gift to gaze at it. Their bond with her. Now this—is the family I always wanted.
A family not broken.
A family in love.
More gifts were on their way and we swayed, unwrapped and shared.
As the game came to an end, we all sat back, exhausted but exhilarated. All of us admire our new gifts, and laughed about the ones that got away. It's a day I would never forget.
A time I'll forever cherish in my heart.
"Next year same time folks." Sam jokes.
"Let this one end first." Ayat laughs.
"Hey Ifan, need to borrow you for a while." Sam gets up.
"Sure."
We get aside from the ladies, near my kitchen door.
"Yeah buddy." I ask.
"Ifan I want to talk about something with you"
"Yeah, what's up."
"So I uhm. I don't know how to tell you this, it's weird but hear me out okay."
"Yeah buddy, I'm here." I say, straightening my posture for full attention.
"I had a dream, not just any dream Ifan, I rarely get dreams. it felt so real, I can't seem to forget it whole. I don't know, it's hard to describle, I— uhm I was covered in blood whilst dead bodies surrounded me." He's rushing his words, even forgetting what he's saying.
"Have you talked to doc recently?" I ask.
"I have not. But that's not the point–"
"It could be Sam. It could be that you're still not over Jawad and I get it, it's not something someone can get over in a month or so, it's difficult." I speak over him. "I think that's what it is and nothing else. Don't worry." I put my hand over his shoulder to calm him down.
"I never want to kill anyone." He sighs.
"You won't."
"Look Ifan, I'm sorry, I was wrong. You're right for basing a little protective. I was, too."
"When?"
"The day you came and told me you heard Victor say something. Its something related to that and its serious."
"What is it." I say.
"I don't think its Hemsworth who I'm after."
"Then who do you think it is?"
"Though I don't necessarily think it's Victor entirely, but he's involved and I know that now."
"I knew that basted was suspicious the minute I saw him. He bloody harassed Ayat's house." I bite back my shout.
"Yeah, I might've tortured him a bit for that." He rubbed his neck, embrassingly.
"Oh God, what did you do.."
"Doesn't matter. What matters is he told me stuff that suspiciously got connected. Either he did it to hurt me or to test me. I don't know, but I'm meeting with him the day after marrow." He says.
"Alone?"
"Yeah."
"Hello? With the suspected murderer? Are you kidding me? He'll kill you." I bite my aggression back, whispering.
"It's not Victor, that I know." Sam says calmly.
"What if he is?"
"Then it'll be my fate."
"Aren't we misfortune enough to be careful? Don't act stupid." I say.
"If I take security with me, he most probably won't tell me anything."
"And how are you so sure that he does know anything? What If he's playing you."
"Ifan I heard him. How he sounded genuinely annoyed by me."
"That does not sound good! He'll kill you dumbass." my teeth grinting.
"Not before telling me whatever he knows."
"You're risking it goddammit."
"I'll be careful. I'll be in a vast. I have to know what he know."
"I don't get you sometimes. Wait—that's most of the times."
"Ifan please. Just let me."
"As if you've ever listened to me."
"If I sense anything erroring, I'll let you know, and you'll come to me."
I groan. "It's risky."
"Come on buddy, I don't have much people to rely on."
"Sure. But If its Victor.. will you kill him?"
The question went through him.
"I don't know."
"I know what I'll say next will sound pathetic. But I hope its not him." I say.
He looked at me with surprise. "I'm sorry Ifan."
"I know." I forced a smile.
"Talk about misfortune huh." He forcefully shucks.
"What in the bloody hell Victor.." I sigh.
"We're not for sure. So keep it down."
Out of nowhere we flinch to the sound of a plate shattering.
"Ah I'm sorry, I didn't see it, my hand spilled." Faiza said.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"I came here to grab some salt, if that's okay."
"Yeah, yeah sure, of course. Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'm fine. When are you guys joining us back?"
"We'll be there." I smile at her, and she left.
"Was she here the entire time?" Sam whispers. "Was she earsdropping?"
"No, what? Why would she?" I say.
"Why was she here for salt?"
"I don't know, should've asked her." I laugh.
"Aren't you going to be meeting her parents?"
"I don't see that happening any time sooner. And I don't want to rush her to do things either. We're in a good place, can't lose that. Its only been a month since we officially started seeing each other. It'll take time." I say.
"Has she ever mentioned anything about her parents with you?"
"What's up Sam? Why are you coming up with suddan questions?"
"Just wanted to make sure."
"Yeah she has. Her relation with her mother isn't typically normal, but her father is chill. It's her brother she doesn't talk about."
"Cool." He smacks his lips. "Back to me. What do you think I should do now?"
"Sam I'd suggest you talk about your plan with Faisal. Maybe he can help."
"I don't want to involve him. He'd get dragged for no reason. I'd handle it myself."
"Whatever suits you, just be careful."
"Yeah I will be. Now Let's get back to our women." He tapped my shoulder and left.
I was about to leave when Sam's mobile began buzzing. I look over it to see who's falling.
Victor is.
When I didn't receive the call he began spam texting.
"Sam, you win. Thursday morning, meet me where I told you so, exact timing."
Oh Sam. I don't know what you're doing but it doesn't sound good.
Just be careful buddy.