Wednesday, 08 January, 2024.
"Officer" Arjun just called us in.
"Dectective Faiza, Your four-month undercover assignment is nearing its conclusion, with only 48 hours remaining before the commencement of February, I require definitive results and concrete evidence to bring this operation to a successful close."
"Sir we have everything loud and clear, we just need a single self confession from Ifan to conclude the operation. That'd be enough proof to dispose Faisal's career." I inform.
"I am directing you to provide conclusive proof and corroborating evidence to substantiate the objectives of this operation by January 31st. Commissioner Vuran won't wait for long, he'll eradicate you from the case if you don't do quick so."
"I won't let it come to that." I say.
Oh Ifan why did you come this close to me. Why did you have to make it more difficult for me. He's a baby- but still involved in crime, so yes. I can't help you neighour.
"In order to facilitate the extraction of critical information, I'm directing you to engage in a strategic exchange of personal details with the subject. As I've said before the undercover assignment began to gain his trust by sharing your own sensitive information. Do that now that the environment of mutual trust is grounded.
Once he feels comfortable, he'll likely reciprocate and reveal his own secrets. That's when we'll have him right where we want him." Lieutenant Arjun gives me instruction. I know lieutenant is right but something about how it sounds doesn't sit right with me. I'm using Ifan, I'm taking advantage of his personal, deep, broken pieces for Faisal to get caught? Why is Ifan getting crashed between ours and Faisal's conflict. I sigh.
Because he's working for him, that's why Faiza. That's why.
"By all means sir- with my sensitive feeling let's perhaps say, what exactly are you referring to?"
"Let me be clear. Authenticity is not a requirement. What's essential is the ability to convincingly portray sincerity. You can make a whole fraudulent subject, As long as you can maintain a credible facade, we can get Ifan and Faisal in no time." He says.
So he's basically asking me to be a fraud- to be deceptive and dishonest, which come to think of it, I have been- since the beginning. If that's how we present ourselves at work? How are we any different than Faisal? Than Sam or even Ifan? We're all lying, putting everyone's trust on line, risking hearts. We're all technically, precisely the same.
"Yes." I agree to lieutenant Arjun and leave, he did notice my lack of energy in the end but I don't care anymore, every vision, every prespective I ever held, is turning different, more difficult each day to understand, who am I? Were my morals all along correct? Am I causing harm or am I protecting citizens? Why is it so important to apprehend Faisal? Is it the long back history to seize him? Is it competition? Is it a challenge from him, maybe because he made it clear that he's untouchable? That he's unable to be ever aressted? If so, why the history of long vengeance is hurting the youth? Why me? Or why Ifan? Why Ayat or why Sam?
-
-
I throw my car keys on my bed, slipping down on my sofa beside a large glass window. My original house, which Ifan doesn't know of. I'm in a whole fake world one time and in another the other time. Its getting harder to compromise my vision every single day. I'm rarely here nowadays.
I sigh and release, trying to meditate. Why does everything has to be so complicated. Why can't things for once go simple in life. My gaze stops at the snow globe Ifan gave me a week ago.
Its pretty.
Its pretty how he remembered.
Suddan, undescribale motion turned a knot in my stomach, and my hands get sweaty. I'm intimated to smile. Even laugh.
What is this feeling? Why am I feeling this? Random questions makes me want to check my texts. Nothing new. I need distraction. I open my gallery to view my brother's old pictures. He used to be so smart and healthy. I scrolled and there they were. My engagement pictures.
Delete
Delete
Delete.
I'm getting my closure now.
Wait.
What is that?
A video caught my eye of Ifan's face, so I click on it.
"Hey there! Faiza's moblie! Ifan here. You ma'am, you're in the restroom right now. Just so you know, I would never unlock your phone without your constant, but I sure did opened the camera. I'm having so much fun with you neighour, I wish time could stop here so I can be able to paste this memory forever in my heart. I know I'm corny and that's okay. Sometimes you gotta be a little cheeky for the woman you love. I hope you're smiling when you see this. Bye!" Video ends.
I look up. The mirror above my bed showed me that I really am smiling.
I'm flattered.
I like him.
I do.
But I can't be with him. Never in a million years. Never in thousand years. I think I have the guts gathered to visit my Adam now.
I must.
Maybe that'd charge my motive, and I'd stop thinking about Ifan. About his eyes. How his gaze traces my features when he talks to me.
I really awfully need to set my priorities right. I can't get this far to fall back. And the little time of five minutes max I was here went by. I quickly grab my keys to visit my Adam after six months because I couldn't face him. Because mother made me feel disgusted in my own skin. I drove to Silvan's private hospital where Adam has been for almost ten months, now that he's awake. He was before in ICU for the past seven years. When his accident first took place, he was still conscious, but then something happend which made him go into a coma for years and we couldn't find out why. Which made me feel degraded because I'm a cop, I'm supposed to know everything. He's in the long-term ward now, he's safer here. He still can't talk, his legs doesn't work but he can see us.
Which is all so awfully painful to gulp down.
Soon I arrived at the hospital.
-6:30pm.
As I push open the door, the soft beep of machines and the faint scent of antiseptic wafted out. I step inside, my eyes adjusting. The private hospital room is small, with a single bed dominating the space.
My gaze fell on him lying in the bed, surrounded by wires and tubes. Ever since he woke up ten months ago, he's under severe observation, with treatments and new tests every day. Personally, I don't think he'll ever recover if I'm being realistic. But my hopes are high, a small part in me still believes he's strong enough to get better, if the tests are still in ongoing processes. As soon as he saw who came in through the door, his eyes sunken but still bright, locked onto mine, a faint smile played on her lips.
He's been waiting for me. And I've been too ashamed to face him. My heart swells with emotion as I approach the bed. I reach out, taking his frail hand in mine.
"Hey, Adam." I whisper, my voice is trembling.
His smile grew, and he squeezed my hand weakly. His eyes visibly answering me back with a sweet hi. His blonde hair are grown again. His head was constantly shaved for seven years, but then I requested his nurse to let them grow now that he's awake.
Close to awake.
My eyes well up with tears, thinking about it all, as I sat down beside the bed, holding his hand tightly. This is why I didn't want to come. I grow weak, spiritually, mentally, and physically weak. And I can't be weak if I oath to complete this task. I won't turn weak because I plan on giving him justice. The machines beeped softly, a steady heartbeat in the silence. "How are you?" My voice bearly audible.
He blinks smilingly.
"I'm so sorry." My throat explodes and tears rush down my face.
His eyebrows get pulled down in concern. I wish he could speak, complain, yell about his pain. How much more desperation one must take to prove that it's enough punishedment. All the memories of our childhood, everything came back. And I couldn't help myself but to get away, like I always run away from him. I can't stay here any longer, it's getting awfully suffocating here. I can't face him, knowing I have none proof to prove him innocent. Knowing it could be Ifan who was included in the people who hurt him. Knowing my life could collapse in between these two parsoas. Knowing I'm falling in love witn someone who may just be a huge part of your hurt brother. Knowing I'm a terrible cop, a terrible sister, and a hideous daughter. A notification sound tinged, I check to see a text from neighour.
"Looking forward to meeting you for lunch neighour."
Knowing I'm deceptive, I'm a bad person. So without saying a proper goodbye I leave Adam's room. I quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. I lock the bathroom door behind me. Turned on wash basin water. It went rushing down whilst I held back my sorrow sobs. Ragged gasps escape my mouth and I immediately cover my face in my hands.
I don't say anything to Ifan.
I don't feel noble. How I normally should be feeling. How can I be so helpless? I quickly wipe my tears, washed my face, and head staight to my apartment. Maybe it's impulsive, maybe its guilt. But it all better end quicker.
I better make Ifan talk quicker.
I've gained his trust. I can crack the answers out from him now.
If only I wasn't feeling such deep sensations for him.
. . . .
I stand in my apartment kitchen, predicteding this might be the last time I ever stand here. Someone walks inside through the door. I know who.
I inhale a deep breath in. Ifan stands behind me, his warm hands grazes my waist. "Hey" He whispers and carried my hair to place them aside on my left shoulder, for a clear view of my neck and my nape. My top is backless, it ends right above the length of my elbow. His fingers slightly brushing my back, and he kisses my shoulder balde. I enjoy his company, the touch of his lips against my body. I've never felt like this with anyone after my fiance.
"Ifan." Burden of guilt is making me weak, even fold for him.
"Yes ma'am?" His breath's touching me. "What's wrong?" He wraps one arm around my waist, and lifts my face by my chin to make me face him with his other hand. It's like he sensed my worry.
"Nothing." I bite my lips.
"I missed you." He gives me a little pack on the lips.
It's time I record your confession Ifan. Now that you trust me beyond your capabilities. I must crush those expectations and belief to prove my loyalty to my career.
Am I really a good cop?
"You can admit you missed me too neighour, there's nothing to feel ashamed of." He's giving me the sweetest smile in the world, I can't hold onto it longer. I must finish this. How much more can a heart break?
"I'm your boyfriend." He blushes. "I'm yours now. Officially this time." He says.
This is the first time he said that out loud. We never named our relationship officially. "I am, no?" He's seeking reassures. I simply nod.
"You seem quite today? Is everything okay?" He asked. I don't know what to say to you. "Everything's fine." I walk outside.
"How's your ankle now?"
"Ifan it's been a month, I'm healed."
"I saw you tripping."
"Stop noticing me." I'm frustrated.
"Huh?"
I feel guilt, whenever I present myself to Arjun, it's gut wracking- I'm a graceful officer, I won't put my name at risk. Even if I'm starting to like you. I sit down on my dining table.
"I can't." He pulls my chair to him from underneath, his hand sweeps to my thigh.
"I was tripping because my buckle is broken."
"Your- uhm buckle?" He raises a brow with a sly smile, looking down at my body.
"I meant my heels."
"Oh- I thought."
He thought I'm talking about my bra. His face exposes cherry red blushingly as he clicks his tongue.
"My bad." He raises his hands up in the air, as if defeated.
He should probably stop doing that.
I say nothing.
"Why are you sad Faiza?" He asks again.
"You really wanna know?"
"Of course. Anything about you, how can I refuse." He smiles willingly.
"It's about my brother."
I shouldn't tell him anything, I'm a undercover detective and he's a money laundering criminal.
It's utterly wrong. Its disgusting.
I hate it.
I'm a good officer. A good cop.
But the way his hand is so gently placed on mine, his voice so soothing, and soft, its all so consoling. The care I crave.
I know the connection building between us is beyond messed up.
But at the same time, he's the only one who would understand anything related to doing something wrong. he's a criminal himself.
He would never judge me for my darkside. My brother's darkside.
Maybe I'd feel better.
Maybe hearing what he's got to say about my brother will be my way out of this.
Parhaps closure.
Or maybe its all an excuse to get closer to him, to feel how he consols me deeply.
After all, he does know the underworld better than me. Even if he doesn't directly tells me anything, I know for a fact he likes me and would advise me somehow close to it.
In metaphors.
I should give it a try, for the sake of my peace. I know it's selfish.
But I want those lips of his, find their way to part my lips with his own.
I want to feel what crossing the limits would feel like, I want to touch and feel what breaking the forbidden would feel like. The taste of illegality, and criminality.
His criminality-
His lethal, illegal touch-
His crussive and bloody lips—
I cough out loud to snap out of it.
"What is it?" He asks.
"I think—" I bite back a sharp retort. "I think my brother was involved in some illegal weaponry hub." I say, looking up at him. His pupils changed, grew bigger. He actually is Faisal's man.
"Why do you think that?"
"My brother was a cop."
"Was?"
"Let's not go there."
"Sure. Whatever you feel comfortable with." He forced a smile for me.
"Everyone suspects him for being a traitor. The one who sold us. But I think it's all false conspiracies."
"It could be." He interlocked our fingers. "Faiza, not every person involved in burgling is bad." He sighs. "Some people have no choice to save themselves. So they rather pick the easy way out to fulfill their financial needs, than to get dragged in other worldly difficulties. Some are even only kids." He's talking about Sam and himself.
"I wanted to prove my brother innocent but I don't know how."
"If he's really innocent. I believe he'll get proven, no matter what others have to say for him." He smiles. "If you honestly believe he's righteous, you won't panic to prove him right."
I nod.
"Don't be harsh on yourself for it."
"I'll try."
"Now may I?"
"May you what?" I ask. He traces the length of my legs via his gaze. "Try to mend your heels."
He's devious with his words. I bite back my smile and he hides his smirk.
"Can I take a look?"
I nod and Ifan sits down on one knee to buckle my heels, he traces the mole I have on my ankle with his fingers leaving its burning effects behind, looking up at me.
"It really is broken." He smacks his lips.
"Pull it out then." I say.
But he grabbed my ankle and pulls my whole leg up to him instead. places a gentle kiss just a few inches up from my ankle, one kiss on another and what turned into him leading his way right up my knee, making every kiss so warm, My whole body shivers.
As soon as he kisses right above my knee I knew it's going to end up bad so I pull my leg away from him, he said nothing. Simply chuckles under his breath.
"What do you want for lunch Ma'am." He stands up.
"You've always been forward." I say, a laugh escapes my lips.
"You've always been stubborn. " He takes my hand to help me get up.
"I'm not stubborn" I frown. Suddenly he pulls me in by my waist. "You are being now." He whispers.
"I have my morals Ifan."
"Morals to—?"
I kiss him without letting him finish.
He blinks in confusion when I move back.
"Don't move back now." He laughs and kisses me, parting my lips with his own. I should push him away but I won't. He's becoming the Identity of my dignity.
There must be a way or a story that shows, Ifan isn't a part of Faisal. I'll find proof that'll prove Ifan innocent. So that he doesn't have to get locked up. But if not—he's facing guilty, and I won't be able to go against justice.
Though, By far the love I've seen between them, it's either, Ifan and Sam both handcuffed, or neither of them. Which I can't do, so I'll keep my glare straight- I'll hurt myself if that's the only way to make Faisal pay. I will hurt Ifan if that's the only way to get my Adam justice.
It won't be enough to end what I feel for Ifan- but it certainly will be enough to end what he feels for me.
Yes I regret ever touching him.
"Faiza?" He looks me in the eyes.
"Yes?"
"There's nothing that can ever change how I feel about you."
"How to do always know what I feel?"
"I don't know how nobody has ever told you that your eyes visibly reflects what you feel." He says.
"You're the first to acknowledge that."
It's pure rubbish, everyone around me has only told me how I am an empty can, or a soulless stone- why does he think of me as a nice person when I'm clearly not.
"Don't stop now, kiss me" my voice make a hint of desperation, which even Ifan is stunned to see. And suddenly he grew passionate, kissing me. I kiss him back as if its the last time. My eyes nearly welled up with tears, and I kiss him more obsessively.
"Faiza?"
I flinch to that voice, moving my mouth back.
Ifan on the other hand is as nonchalant as anybody could stand to be. He moves his face back and I turn my head back to see Ali standing with pure hatred in his eyes. What the hell is he doing here? Is he out of his mind?
"Ali what are you doing here?"
I shouldn't be panicking.
But I am.
"I told you, I'd come."
"So you're the Ali who calls her eight am in the morning?" Ifan walked upto Ali to shake his hand, but Ali left his hand hanging and so Ifan moved his hand back in his back pocket nonchalantly.
"Ifan, can you give us a minute." I tell him without looking at him.
"Sure, I'll leave you two be." He walked himself out.
"What are you doing here?" I bite back my shout.
Is he stupid or what? He's here, making an appearance in Ifan's life, whilst being in the undercover case with me. He's ruinning the project, our case, everything we've worked so hard for.
"Are you foolish? Does lieutenant know you're here? Trying to sabotaged our case?" I raise my eyebrow in skepticism.
"Because I'm tried of pretending I don't care how you're getting close to that child, when I do care. I've loved you more than anyone has ever loved you. Not even your own mother love you like I do, and when I found your location here, it blew my mind and I had to stop you. I had to get you back." He whisper-screamed.
"I was never yours to get back. Who do you think you are? Standing here with the audacity to make a comment on my mother, comparing yourself with the child you say, who by the way would've never pointed that out. Even if mad." I'm furious. We're both biting our frustration to be inaudible to anyone.
"Wow" He released a taunting sigh.
"You shouldn't have come here on your own" I look up at him.
"I tried calling you. You didn't pick up, so I figured you'd be here. A huge dunk found in our case and you were nowhere to be found. Have you forgotten who you actually are Faiza?"
"I was busy."
"Busy? Even for your work? Faiza what was that?"
"What was what?" I act.
"You're seriously going to let a thug take advantage of you?"
"It's not your place to speak Ali." I say with my chest puffed out.
"It all makes sense now." Ali took a step closer to me, and I take a step back. He's angry.
I say nothing in reply, but my chin stays lifted.
"You're not attracted to me." He says.
"I never said I was."
"You're attracted to that kid."
"He's not a kid." I get defensive.
"You're not denying?"
"Think whatever you want to think, I don't owe you an explanation. I have no time for this."
"You think I'm boring."
"Your words not mine." I cross my arms.
"Ifan is.. young and energetic— and fun, isn't that right?"
"That's not the reason."
"Then what is? You're risking your career for what exactly officer Faiza?"
I cover his mouth with my hand. "Keep it down!"
He removes my hand, interlocking our fingers. His grip is tight.
"What are you afraid of? Your mission getting failed, or him finding out you're a liar?"
My heart shattered. I am a liar.
"You're being unnecessary, who are you? Why are you poking your nose into my business? I know the rules, I'm handling it.
Why would I share my personal interests with you?" I say.
Our fingers stayed interlocked.
"I thought I was something when we kissed at your place."
"People kiss, so what? Grow up Ali."
I drop his hand down.
"What does he have that I don't?"
"It's not that simple Ali."
"He must've been a project, a criminal. What does he have?"
"He's genuine!" I finally broke character, I'm tried of pretending, Where's my happy ending, I followed all the rules, I drew inside the lines, I never asked for anything that wasn't mine.
"He's way more than just a criminal, he out of all people not only touched my heart but my respect and that's way deeper than any love ever found. He's kind, concerning—he notices, even the things I don't about myself. He's there, he's emotionally there. When no one else is, That's when he's there. He's always there, and not just me but for everyone, that's what I find the most important. He would rather burn for the people he love, than to let them get hurt." I say in one setting.
All my life I've seen and heard people make promises that are only hallow and empty words without meaning to it, and aren't expressed physically. But He does it, he promises verbally less and shows more. He doesn't just provide shelter, he becomes the Shelter. I didn't want to accept it but I want him in so many ways I can't even put it all together.
"You're a great guy Ali, just not the one for me. And I'm not for you either."
"That's what I thought about you too." He says.
I sigh hard.
"I was struggling to tell you what I've found but now I've seen enough. You've grown to be such selfish person I can't even look at you."
I don't reply, why would I? He said enough.
"Let me show you, who Ifan really is."
"What do you mean?"
"I'll be in my car, don't be late." As he was barging out, Ifan walks in.
"What's going on?" Ifan's fidgeting with his fingers. He's nervous—and curious.
"What did you hear?" I ask.
Ali stopped walking and turned around.
"What? Nothing, I heard nothing. I was in your apartment." Ifan's still nervous.
"Sure?"
"Definitely." He forced a smile, but I don't feel good. Everything feels so artificial, so unhinged. Ali leans against the door frame.
"Even if he did hear something, he wouldn't be that stupid to tell you Faiza. He's clever than you as someone who holds a profession so deep, can ever be."
"Hey hey, you don't get to talk to her that way!" Ifan throws his hands up in the air for Ali to see. "I heard nothing, what is up with you guys?" Ifan says.
"I'm so disappointed Faiza." Ali crosses his arms.
"Ali, I don't care if you are. Leave." I state.
"I will. But oh, hey Ifan? Have you ever asked Faiza who Adam was?"
What is he doing?
Why is he trying to get me expelled?
Who does he think he is? My longest friend, here hurting me on purpose?
"Adam?" Ifan exhaled his uptight breath.
"Officer Adam?" Ifan asked. "Do you know him Faiza?"
Stop asking me.
"She does." Ali stands with his chest puffed.
"Get out Ali." My knuckles turn pale.
"I'll be waiting in the car." He thundered out.
"Faiza I don't get it? What does he mean?"
"I'll tell you everything later. For now,
I must go, I'm sorry." I leave.
The elevator ride this time was peak. Long and solent.
I with immense disappointment open Ali's car door. He's already sitting still. And I say nothing to him, didn't even a shared look.
"The guy we captured gave me a hint and it led us to a location where Adam was last seen before his incident, before he met up with you. We're heading there, with our security backup team for in case." Ali in a hurry informs me, without looking at me.
"Why didn't you inform me earlier, may I ask?" My sarcasm didn't do me good.
"You weren't to be found?"
He's right. I was too busy with Ifan, I've forgotten about my career and Adam. I can not let it all go to east now that we have everything, and we're one confession away from arresting. I feel overwhelmed. Rushed, panicked, burden, I feel everything at once.
"Show me the location."
. . . .
-5:00 pm.
It's a old warehouse, the creaky wooden floorboards beneath our feet echo through the vast. Our backup security officers are taking up the place, surrounding each corner. I pull out my gun, but Ali placed his hand on the muzzle, making me lower it, and gestured that it was safe. The air is thick with dust and the scent of decay. Some feeling to it gives me the sense that I'd find something I don't want to. Faint rays of sunlight filter through grimy windows.
We walk deeper into the warehouse, our footsteps stirring up clouds of dust.
"What is this place?"
"It's their spot." Ali examined.
"Whose spot? Why did bring me here?" My hand clenched into a fist more stiffer.
"According to our inspection. It may might be Adam and Victor's secret meet up place or call it hide away."
"How many times have I told you? Are you sick? Can't you hear? Adam was not involved with them!"
"Think like a dectective Faiza. Be a Cop, not a sister."
"What did you find here." I stand firmly after completely avoiding what he had said.
"Faiza there's a letter we found."
"Who's it for?"
"Ifan—" He gulped. My heart skipped a beat so narrow, I almost forgot to breath out. "Who's it from?" My heart shivers.
"Adam." His voice bearly came out properly.
"How would you know. Did you confirmed the writing from our forensic examiner?" I ask, I'm panicking.
"I did. We found that letter buried beneath all the broken, shattred, pieces of this place. It seem like, according to our forensic scientists, this place was burned down. By who? Don't know. I think it's Victor who tried to clear all the evidence, you'll think that too once you read the letter." Ali says.
I say nothing.
"Faiza, Adam wrote to Ifan. Not just any letter, he tired warning Ifan that someone was after him, trying to hurt him. And Ifan neglected him. Left him there to suffer." Ali further tells me.
Slow, heart wreching thoughts cover my body in a hurtling manner, I seem to have frozen.
"He's not the person you think he is. He's a miscreant."
Ifan isn't that heartless, he's a genuine guy, I know it because I've seen it. I am an excellent dectective, I can catch personalities in seconds. I gulp a lump down my throat to be seen as I can take opposing against Ifan when in reality I can not. His whole existence has grown on me.
"I want proof." I say firmly.
"I figured you'd say that. Come with me." He forcefully grabbed my arm, pulling me with him.
And rudely released my arm and I lose my balance as my feet tremble. Ali leaves me mid way, went ahead, bending to grab something which is encircled in white chalk. Ali then walked to me with a old letter in his hands.
"Give me that." I snatch it from him. My heart is pounding. I start to read it out loud.
"Ifan, Sam. I don't have much time. After you admitted me here, I asked the nurse who got me here, and she mentioned you guys. You must know, Victor.. Faisal's man, he tried to finish me. I'm scared, I'm powerless, I need you guys to share my letter with the upper city station, please. I'm counting on you guys. Victor is dangerous, his thirst for violence knows no bounds, he'll stop at nothing to harm those around him. he'll kill everyone around him. I'll be waiting for you. Reach back. Please."
I clench the letter close to my heart.
My hands start to shake uncomfortablely, and uncontrollablely. It in fact is Adam's hand writing. He asked Ifan for help, a..and Ifan ignored his quest. My brother begged to be saved and these brothers let him suffer. Everyone has hurt me but no one has hurt me as much as Ifan has.
Maybe because I didn't expect anything from anyone else. But Ifan made me expect so much from him. And he let me down. Pathetic liar is what he alwyas was and will be. I told myself, I'd never let anyone hurt me that severely again, and I let it happen again, allowed him in.
I sigh heavily.
He trusts me enough to tell me the real truth now If I ask him anything regarding the real scenario. The anger I feel running down my entire body, covering each vein, boiling each nerve is something I've never experienced before.
I believed he was innocent, I really did. Must have never kept my expectations so high. His fraud charm, and charismatic behaviour for me was all an act.
I won't stop myself now to arrest him.
Right here, I take an oath, if within the next ten hours he's not behind bars, handcuffed, and pushed against the jail wall—I'll drop my badge, right then and there.