Holy shit, I haven't slept that well since I was popping benzos.
I'm all loosey and goosey and limber now, with my flesh restored to its fleshy wonder, strong and warm and muscly and ready to rock. Mostly. Kahri wasn't kidding, I'm pretty damn sore, but she gave me some more of her herbal medicine tinctures to fight it and she's helping me stretch out on the floor before I get going.
"Gods, Nico," she huffs as I flatten my chest out between my legs. "How the hell are you this flexible?"
"Gymnastics," I yawn, forehead to the floor. "Since I was, like, eleven."
"A gymnast. Wow. I never would've guessed. Are you in competitions and stuff?"
"Girl, I was in the Olympics."
"Holy shit. Did you medal?"
"I got kicked out. Missed the quarterfinals. Too busy fucking my way through the German volleyball team. And to be perfectly honest?" Sitting up, I sigh and hang my head. "Kinda regret it. Stupid. Why'd I do that? I could've fucked those girls anytime I wanted, but I just had to do it then. Probably won't ever get another shot like that. But y'know. Whatever."
"That's kinda sad. I'm sorry." Kahri kisses me and a couple of her snakes smooch my head too. "Moving on, right? How's it feeling? Think you're ready to go fight bad guys and save your girl?"
"Much better, yeah," I yawn again, stretching my arms overhead. "I better get going. It was a really, really, really nice time off though. Kinda needed this. But! Anna awaits! This hero's gotta go save the day."
"I'm certain she will," Kahri croons with a coy grin. "Need anything else before you go?"
"Think I'm good. Thanks, babe." I kiss her a few more times, then accept her help upright for a few more quick stretches before I pack up my backpack and get dressed. "Leggings, hoodie, sneaks, phone, smokes, papers, good to go."
She dangles a little baggie in front of me.
"Oh! Shit! Thanks!" I accept my coke back, pleased to see I still have about half a G left. "That's crazy. Leftover coke. Unheard of."
"Yeah, even I'm shocked. Get it?"
"Shocked," I grin, sparking blue as I kiss her again. "Nice one, babe."
"Mhm. Mhm. I'm very clever."
"I love it. Gods, I love you, baby girl."
"You're so full of shit," she chuckles.
"Nooo! I mean it! I looove you, baby!"
"Girl, we just met. Last night."
"And I love you so much I could die…"
"Oh, I see what you're doing. Pretending we're, like, already a couple. You're lovebombing me, but being sarcastic and tongue in cheek about it."
"Nuh uh," I snicker, kissing her some more. "I love you sooo much, baby. You're the only one for me. I'll never even look at another girl. I totally swear it."
"Yeah, I'll play along. I love you too, sweetheart." She opens her mouth and kisses me, then we make out for another few minutes before she pulls away. "Alright. Come on. Let's get you back on your big adventure, Miss Hero. Right this way."
I didn't realize it's nighttime, but I'm glad it is. Don't think I could handle daylight right now. My head still kinda aches from the drugs and the running around and the fighting and the poison and the whole turning to stone thing. Goddamn, I've been busy. At least it's a nice chilly night, just the way I like them.
"I had a great time with you, Nico." Kahri and her snakes kiss my cheek. "I mean, I'd ask you to come again, but…"
I turn and take her hand, kissing her pretty fingers. "But what? Hm?"
"Well… 'Cause I know who you are. And, no judgment, but I know the way you do things. Lightning never strikes twice, right? Like, that's your whole thing. Nothing wrong with it. And you said this was just a one-off, remember?
"I said that, yeah. Buuut… I was just about to ask for your number before I left. Or your Grapevine. Some way to keep in touch. 'Cause I had a great time too, really. And I like you. You're so cool. Wanna be friends who have sex and make out and stuff?"
She's smiling. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to. Let's."
"Hell yeah! I'll totally hit you up! What's your tag?"
"Here." She takes my phone and adds her number. "I already follow you, so… There. I'll message you?"
"Better to call. I know it's old fashioned, but I get so many fucking notifications and shit I just straight up don't look at any of them. Only chance anyone's getting my attention by phone is if it's ringing."
"I feel that. Cool with me." She wraps me up and we make out for another minute or two. Gods, that dextrous and thin forked tongue is nice. "Damn it. I'll let you go now. Even though I don't wanna. I love you so much, baby. Run along now. I'll call you."
"Aright, alright. Thanks for letting me crash here, Kahri." I kiss her a few more times, then boop her snakes, then kiss her again. "I love you, baby girl. I'm all yours and nobody else's. Heheh. I'll see you around?"
"Yeah." Her smile is so pretty. "See you."
I wave to her as I go, jogging up the street a little before hitting light speed and bailing toward downtown. After sticking the landing in a nice back alley somewhere, I smile to myself as I step out onto the street and toss my hood up. Damn. That was nice. Really nice. It's been a serious minute since I enjoyed a one night stand that much. Snake girls do it different, I guess.
Ahh, the liquor store on Fourth and Warren. I walk in, take a fifth of gold rum, and walk out. Cracking the cap, I take my first drink of the evening and sigh with content as the caramel and fumes grace my throat. Isn't life grand?
Yeah, right.
I start drinking that shit like it's water, gulping down nearly a third of it in one go before the pain gets to be too much to handle. This time I sigh with relief, knowing that I'm gonna feel that shit in a second or two. [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: GLORIFICATION OF ALCOHOLISM]? I keep drinking and start walking. Gotta get back to that quest of mine. Gotta get back to finding Anna. My princess needs her prince and I have been slacking on the job. No, no, I shouldn't think that way. Anna would definitely agree with Kahri that I needed the sleep right then and there. And Anna knows me so she would expect that some amount of time would be budgeted for my debauchery. So really, I'm not that far behind her expected schedule.
But uhhh…
I stop on a busy street corner.
"What was I doing?" I ask myself aloud, turning around in place, as if the answer is going to reveal itself. Nope. That's a busy street corner. No answers in sight. "Shit. I forgot where I was in the quest. There's no auto filling quest journal that was recording my progress either. Gods, not even a quest marker in my field of view."
I facepalm, standing at the busy street corner.
"Fuuuck. What was I doiiing? Where is my most recent save point? I can't reload checkpoint either. Man, this CRPG sucks. I blame Anna for the fact I know what CRPGs are. That nerd. Loved her TTRPGs too. I liked playing along. Damn, good times. Now long gone. Whoa. I do not wanna go down that road. Pause to drink."
I pause to drink. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. My tinfoil hat theory is that the very concept of pirates being reframed into silly and harmless kids cartoons was a strategic maneuver by the ruling class to neuter the more integral concept of piracy itself, that being poor people successfully robbing rich people. They turned pirates into goofy mascots instead of the vicious salty dogs they truly were!
"Wait, wait. Gotta stay focused. So, I got the quest, met up with Unc, went to the library and singlehandedly solved the scytale puzzle all by myself without any help, the secret message within which led me to Rocky's place. Wait. And then… And then what?"
True to the definition of insanity, I look for the answers behind me on the busy street corner, hoping for something different in the form of the answer revealing itself.
It doesn't. Not at all.
"Uhhh."
I scratch my head, squinting in thought. Shit. Wow, that's a blurry mess of disjointed memories that I can't even begin to guess at how to parse. I barely remember anything past that. How did I get to Kahri's place? That's where my memory picks back up. I guess the sex was so good it woke me up from being blackout drunk.
"Wait. Oh. I know what to do. Retrace my fucks. Those stick in my memory better than anything else. So, let's see. It was Kahri, those bitch sirens at Rocky's, the… Wait. No, hold on. What? I didn't fuck anyone at any point between those two?"
There are no answers on busy street corners.
Nope, retracing my fucks doesn't help here.
"Shit, I don't have a damn thing to go off of." I groan, tilting my head back with a hand over my eyes. "I can't remember! Shiiit! I can't remember! What was I doing? How did I get from Rocky's to Kahri's? What the hell happened in between those two places?"
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
But I know someone who might.
The phone call rings about three times before it's answered.
"Already? You really do love me."
"Yo! I'm sorry! Desperate times and all!"
"You can't possibly be desperate for sex again this quickly, can you?"
"You vastly underestimate my sex drive's rate of recovery."
"Why do you say that like it's a stat in a video game?"
"Jesus, I was just thinking in CRPG terms a second ago. Like, where's my damn quest journal! I'm lost here, motherfuckers! Where's the DM when you need one? Kahri, listen. Kahri. Listen. Umm. Wow, there's the rum. Hello. What was I saying? Oh yeah, listen. I'm lost. I don't remember what I was doing. Like, before we… Uh. Before we met."
I hesitated to say it because in my experience most women strongly dislike the idea of me not remembering who they are or how I ended up in bed with them. It's, like, devaluing, or something. Degrading? It insults their sense of self worth, I guess? Like, oh, so I'm forgettable? Fuck if I know. But I remembered Kahri's name, and that's a huge fucking deal.
Making these girls understand my point of view is never easy.
"Okay, wait," Kahri says. Oh, Gods, here it comes. She's so done with me. "Uhh. Help me understand you, sweetheart. I need to be caught up a bit. How wide of a gap in your memory are we working with here? Like, how far back do we need to go to start puzzling this out together?"
"Oh my Gods, you're perfect," I exhale with immeasurable relief. Holy shit. She isn't mad. "Uh, the–the window starts yesterday at around nightfall-ish, and goes up to when we went to your place. I was just thinking. And this is funny. I think you'll like hearing this. The sex was so good it woke me up from being blackout drunk."
She starts laughing. Yesss! "Well! That's one hell of a compliment, especially from someone as experienced as you! Can't say I've ever heard that one before, thank you! I just have one concern, Nico. You were blackout drunk when you came onto me? That's some kind of talent, 'cause I had absolutely no idea. Gods, I… Are you okay?"
"Ahhh, you said it. Ahh, fuck me, you said it." I nearly throw my phone, gritting my teeth hard and growling in frustration as I walk a small circle on this busy street corner. "Okay, no, you listen, Kahri. Don't ask me that question. Ever. I like you and I'm trying not to be mad at you for it. But I hate that fucking question so much it burns."
"Right, 'cause it's, like, obviously not? I get you."
"Oh, fuck me. Where have you been all my life?"
"On my way to meet you, I suppose. That question is discarded from here on. I won't ask it again. Can I, uh, express my… My, uh. Shit, what was I saying before this?"
"I'm already drunk and you're already… I'm guessing stoned."
A second or two later, the distinct bubbling sound of a bong being ripped plays over the phone.
"Kahri, you're perfect. You're my perfect match."
"A match made in the Hells. I love us. But, yes, I remember what I was getting at. Please listen. When I asked if you were okay, I meant it in relation to the fact you were blacked out when I had sex with you. I'm just a little iffy on how to feel about that…"
"Huh. Whoops. I get you now. Uh, I'm good with that, personally. It's not something that bothers me at all, if that's what you're worried about."
"Ohhh-kay. Yeah, it is. It was. I'm good now too. Also, I just remembered this. I was… No, we were talking. Just before that. About trying to remember something. Last night, you said? Before we had sex? Do you remember the little dude?"
"Jesus Christ, no? Wha–There was a little dude? Where the fuck was I that I was hanging out with little dudes?"
"Okay, so, the little dude kidnapped you. He was gonna have me turn you to stone. Which… Kinda happened anyway. Just differently. Anyway, he snatched you away from your big adventure to save your girl, Anna. That's what you were doing before."
"Right, I was on my big adventure to save my girl, Anna. But I'm like… Where… was I? Y'know? What was my latest progress point in that quest of mine?"
"Oh, ssssss. You were… You were, uh, y'know. Uhhh… You got taken to that weird basement dungeon. From… Somewhere. But where? I see the conundrum. I'm caught up now. Goodness, we're in a bit of a bit of a pickle, aren't we, old boy?"
"Blimey, a pickle indeed, sir."
"Okay, but where does your memory end? Tell me more about that. Where the gap started."
"Well, I was in the meth lab basement before I–"
"Fucking Christ! A meth lab basement? What kind of big adventure is this?"
"Welcome to my fucking life, Kahri. It's a dumpster fire." I take another long drink, flipping off the middle aged mom shielding her kids from me as she passes by. "So yeah, the meth lab basement. Before that, I was at the trap. They sent me to the meth lab. But I don't remember what was at the meth lab or where it sent me."
"Ahhh." Another bong rip echoes and she coughs a little. "A right pickle indeed, sir."
"It's the rightest pickle I've ever been in, sir! How the hell am I gonna figure this out, man? I have no idea what to do n–"
A crow caws then fucking slams against a window right in front of me and fractures the glass, dropping flat dead on its back just a step or two away from my feet. A few black feathers slowly float down around it.
I'm frozen. I may as well have locked eyes with Kahri again.
A handful of other people come over to gawk at it too.
"Did that just happen? Right in front me?"
"Did what just happen? I can't see."
"Bro, a crow just hit a window and died."
"That has to be an omen, Nico. Turn around and walk away."
"Wait, there's something in its foot. A piece of paper."
"Don't pick up the dead crow foot paper, Nico! You're gonna get cursed or something!"
"Girl, my ass is already cursed. Cursed to be alive." I pluck up the scrap of paper and unroll it to have myself a little look-see. I read aloud, "Smoked your first joint. Where?"
"That is an eerie thing to read off a dead crow footnote."
"Footnote," I wheeze, then laugh my ass off. "Yo, I love you, Kahri! That's funny as hell!"
"Heheh. Just like you, I also aim to please. But who the hell sent you that?"
"Dude, I have no idea. It doesn't have a return address."
"And the delivery boy dropped dead too! Shit, that's spooky! Know anyone who hangs out with crows?"
"Well… Anna. Anna does. All the time." I turn the note over in my hands. Nothing stands out. "This is totally something she could do. Like, arrange for a reminder system, 'cause she knows I'm dumb like this. But I can't tell if that's her handwriting…"
"Well, sounds like she or someone else is flying copilot alongside you. Don't look a gift mamba in the mouth! Better to just roll with it, yeah? So? What's the answer? Where was your first joint?"
"Uhhh. The woods behind my old highschool."
"Then try there. And make haste, hero. The kingdom is on the verge of collapse, and all that."
"I shan't let the kingdom collapse! Avast!"
"Wait, avast? I thought we were medieval knights."
"Eh, pirates are on the mind."
"Then make way, ye scallywag!"
"Aye, capp'n! Full sail ahead! Later!"
"Bye! Hit me up whenever, cutie!"
I hang up and get moving. Before I get anywhere, the fucking crow jolts to its feet and takes off flying, like it's just totally fine. Like it didn't just smack into solid glass and die on the sidewalk.
"What the fuck? Did that thing just come back to life?"
I look around but there's nothing to see besides a bunch of Regulars going about their business. The few people who took notice look just as bewildered as I feel. Guess we all witnessed a minor miracle or something.
I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.
I blitz my way to my stupid old highschool, otherwise known as hell on Earth. This place sucks. I'd say it was the worst four years of my life, but every year is the worst year of my life. Thank the Gods for smartphone flashlights. I stumble and trip my way through spiderwebs and branches and shit until I find the bigass oak tree with some nice branches for chilling in and a bunch of markings from–
"Fucking hell, there you are!" a woman calls out from behind me. I turn around to find a drop-dead gorgeous hamadryad with stunning autumn colors in her leaves for hair, and oaken brown skin absolutely covered in tattoo-like markings. "Where have you been? I waited all godsdamn day for you!"
My mouth is open to speak but nothing is coming out.
"Don't even bother," she groans, waving me off. "Not a chance those three amateurs could've held you up that long. You broke free just fine and left me behind. Went and did something else, huh? Or maybe someone else. Forgot all about me, didn't you?"
"I… Uh."
"Gods, you're such an asshole. I don't know what I was thinking, trying to have a go at you. Nicole Godsdamned Astoria, the disaster lesbian extraordinaire. You just go for whoever's easiest, like some sort of predator hunting prey."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not–No, no, no, no, wait. Don't call me that. That's not true. I don't do that. I don't do th–"
"Fuck you. You're a dog. Just a starved animal fucking any woman in sight."
"But I don't–Well, not–not people who don't want it…"
"Nico." She stares at me for a second, expectant. "Any second now."
"What? What's happening? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?"
"No? Anna told me you might get distracted and run off at any moment, so I kinda expected something like this, and I'm being such a bitch so you'll attack me harder. Remember? Revenge sex? For betraying you?"
The memories have just now resurfaced.
"Ohhh. Right, right. I remember. Wait, one second. I don't think I said… Just hang on. One second." I turn and step aside, ringing Kahri again. When she picks up, I ask, "Real talk, baby girl, jokes aside, did I tell you I was still gonna fuck around?"
"Huh? Uhhh. Oh, no, you didn't, but I figured. Not an issue. We're just friends, right?"
"Friends who are kinda romantic…"
"That's true indeed. Same answer. I'm poly and I know what I'm getting myself into. Or, actually, who's getting into me. Heh. Yeah, so, full speed ahead, matey."
"Again, again, again, you are perfect. I love you. Thank you."
"Yep! Just make sure you're stretching out first! I love you too! Byeee!"
"I will, babe! Deuces!" After she hangs up, I ask the hamadryad, "So where were we, beautiful? Revenge sex, right? You said you were cool with me being more, uh, aggressive. Or something like that. Yeah?"
"Yeah," she smiles, snickering a little. "You're so cute. I like that you just checked in with her, whoever she is. Shows you do have a soft side behind all… all that. Gods…" She trails off, watching with wide eyes as I continue to take off my clothes, stripping down to my black boxer briefs and sports bra. Drinking in the sight of my powerful body, she mutters, "Jesus, you're even hotter in person. How the hell are you so shredded?"
"All I do these days is eat, sleep, fuck, and work out." I draw closer, admiring the size difference between us. Only shoulder height on me. "Mhm. You're a good size. I'll be able to toss you around with ease."
"Ohhh my Gods," she exhales, fixated on my six pack. "Can I…"
"Go right ahead. Touch me however you like. I'll give you a second."
She goes quiet and starts feeling me up, starting with the abs before her hands move to my shoulders, then my upper arms, down to my forearms. "Mmm. Your grip must be…"
"Mhm. Judo, Jiu Jitsu, gymnastics, shit, I was even into rock climbing for a minute. You won't escape my grasp, baby girl. Not a chance. I'll hold you down so tight you'll [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT]."
With a shuddering breath and an excited grin, she kisses my shoulder and hums. "Okay. I'm satisfied with this. And I'm ready when you are…"
"Good." I brush her leafy hair behind her ear, standing over her and gazing at her eyelashes. "I'm on a mission, you know? I have to find Anna. Soon. You know where I need to go next, don't you? So? Are you going to be a good girl and tell me? Or do I need to make you?"
"Gods, you are good at thiiis," she says with a frantic wince. "Um. Well, see… I mean… Y–Yeah, I know where you need to go. Next. To–To find her. Um. You passed my trial last night? By making a move on me, like she said you would. So… Yes, I should tell you. I should. But…" Her rough hands take hold of my hair and pull at it as her smile broadens. "You kept me waiting. So now you have to make it up to me. Then I'll tell you where to go."
"Mmm. And how would I go about doing that?"
"Gee, I wonder. What could you possibly do?"
I push her up against the trunk of her tree.
Guess I've gotta fuck the answers out of her.
I'm all too happy to oblige.