I am once again asking for emotional support.
After chugging half a bottle of straight room temperature vodka, I pace back and forth and amp myself up to face the impossible situation I'm in. In the daylight, it's much less daunting, and now that I'm not shitfaced drunk, it doesn't seem quite that bad, so really, I should just do it and get it over with. Besides, I just talked to Hecate all by myself, and I'm on a roll anyway, so I'd better keep up the momentum because Anna is waiting for me.
I look at the problem.
"Aughhh!" I cry out and turn away. "Fuuuck!"
The Highland Gardens Stadium's front door is being repaired. Apparently, some drunk asshole busted in last night. Can you believe the nerve of some people? Damn.
"I just gotta do it," I tell myself, pacing some more and sucking down cigarette smoke. "I just gotta do it. All I've gotta do is do it. Fuck, how did I manage to do it last night? I was drunker than a pissheaded Irishman going through a nasty divorce, so maybe that's where I got the courage. Maybe I should get that drunk again and give it another go–"
"Caw!" A crow fucking ambushes me, flapping its wings in my face.
"Jesus! Oh, Gods!" I frantically try to defend myself from the merciless flurry of bone shattering blows. "What's with the fucking crows in this city, man? They're crazier than a bunch of dykes! What do you want from me?"
It lands on my arm, pecks the shit out of my hand, then flies off.
There's an eighth of coke in my palm.
"What the fuck?" I hold it up to the sun. "What the fuck?"
With a quick gum test, I deduce that yes.
This is indeed cocaine.
"Fucking fish scale," I mutter to myself, watching the way its crystalline facets catch the light. "Pure as shit. Why would a crow give me this? Wait, don't be stupid, bro. Somebody sent the crow with the coke to me. But who? Maybe Anna?"
I look around the busy street corner.
There are no answers to be found.
The shit's rock solid and I need to crush it up. Fortunately, I'm deep into active addiction, and I keep my shit ready to go in terms of mobility. I got everything I need right here, on my person, in my backpack, at all times.
Gods bless the humble cigarette case. Inside mine is my lucky two USD bill, one of those push pin thingies off a tampon applicator, my old college student ID covered in trace amounts of what appears to be ketamine, and a small case of single edged razor blades.
I pop a squat in the gutter and set the case on the curb to work at it, cutting off a good chunk of white onto the dollar bill and leaving the rest intact for now, stashing it in my shoe for safe keeping. Over top of the two dollar bill, I start crushing the rock salt with my ID then use a razor to chop it up even smaller, all while ignoring the dozens of bewildered onlookers passing by on this bustling downtown city street.
They act like they've never seen anyone do coke before.
Separating a small section, [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE] with the fluted end of the tampon applicator and gasp with a sudden burst of overwhelming excitement.
"Fuuuck! Oh my Gods! Holy cats, bro, that's the good shit! Yooohoho!"
The rush hits me like a methed out hooker on a psychotic tirade, and I've been there. After that, the smooth buttery bliss evens out and I exhale, smiling and waving at the pedestrians around me.
"Bro, [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: GLORIFICATION OF DRUG USE]!" I tell some random Regular dude who looks like he gets it. "Mm! Damn! Alrighty then! Where was I on this adventurous heroic quest of mine?"
I fold up the dollar into what's basically a little envelope then secure it under the clippy thingy that holds the cigarettes in place, along with the plastic applicator. My ID and the razors go in the other side, and I snap the case shut. Streamlined. I got this shit down to a science.
"All done, all done. Yeah, I can do this shit now. Let's get it."
I grab my backpack and my vodka then get going. Gods, this coke has me feeling [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: GLORIFICATION OF DRUG USE]. I really should be prescribed stimulants but I'd definitely abuse them, big time. So, instead, I abuse street drugs, [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: GLORIFICATION OF DRUG USE]. There's no pharmacist giving me shit about needing to re-up before the refill date, just my boy Rocky who's always happy to see me and accommodates my needs, no questions asked.
"Excuse me," I tell the repairmen out front with a smile, right before I elbow jab the door right next to the broken one and smash it to pieces. There's no alarm this time, so I guess they disabled it. As I'm stepping through the opening I've made, I give them a wink and finger gun. "That's job security, boys. Deuces."
Nobody bothers to stop me.
The stadium fucking sucks.
Trying to ignore the fact I'm here, and shutting out the stupid memories that are threatening to push me deeper into alcoholism instead of stimulant abuse, I trudge through the lobby and into the actual auditorium proper. It's kinda dark in here, but the stage lights are on, so I descend the stairs and hop up onto the platform. Feels extremely weird being here again. This is where I kicked the shit out of more than a dozen people and claimed the title of world champion. I was standing right over there, with tens of thousands of people chanting my name, and millions more watching on TV.
"Damn," I sigh, kicking the floor with my heel. "So much for that."
With all this coke in my bloodstream, I'm able to stay focused and move on without dwelling. So, I'm looking for the next of Anna's trials, and again, I don't have the faintest idea of what I'm looking for to begin with. But the last few revealed themselves to me just because I was on location, so…
"Oh, shit," I mumble, peering over the stage's edge. There's a bit of dull mustardy yellow stained on the cracked floor down there. Dried out golden Divine blood. My blood. "Gnarly, man."
Anyway, I think this stage is exactly where I need to be, I just have to find whatever Anna left behind for me somewhere around it. So, I start checking high and low, around the base of the platform, up in the stands, the catwalks above it all, even the orchestral pit.
"Oh. There it is. True. I forgot we hung out down here…"
It's cramped and tight as a bitch. My tall ass has to basically be bent double just to fit. All the way at the back is–Well, let's just say that I should've seen the writing on the wall. It's in that same aqua green color that those plastic little glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs are. Once I get over to it, I take a closer look and read her beautiful swirly cursive handwriting.
"Place your hand on the wall and repeat after me. Three, seven, fifteen, thirty one, what number is next in sequence? Jesus fucking Christ, Anna, how the fuck am I supposed to know that? Math? You're making me do math now? You know I suck at this shit! Fuck it! Sixty nine! Final answer!"
The text vanishes. Like it's being written out in front of me, another message replaces it. Wrong, but the real Nico would say sixty nine without hesitation. I love you so much, you adorable idiot. You're getting closer and closer to me. Next, you need to go see your biggest crush in the world.
"Gods, Anna, that's way too blunt…" I groan, letting my hand fall from the wall. "If I know you, this is your attempt at being a wingman. Joke's on me, huh? She knew all along…"
I hang my head and sigh. I'm embarrassed again.
"Fuck, and now I have to call her." I turn and leave, wringing my hands together as I pass through the stupid stadium. A deep, deep anxiety is starting to take hold of me at the thought of contacting Hecate directly. "Mmmm. Fuuuck. Ahhh…"
Once I pass through the second broken door back into the street, I give the repair guys a little wave and just start walking. With a quick [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE] from my handy dollar bill and a few heavy gulps of my room temperature vodka, I stop at a nearby park and start pacing again.
The stress of knowing I have to call Hecate personally is pulling me apart at the seams. Nicotine, alcohol, coke, none of it's taking the edge off. I'm so scared and nervous to hit her up. Like, I'm actually fucking terrified right now. What if I fuck this up? What if she thinks I'm just a moronic dipshit? I mean, I am, so she probably thinks so already. What if she doesn't want anything to do with me? What if she's just doing Anna a favor by begrudgingly interacting with me? What if she hates me?
Yeah, what if she hates me?
She knows, she knows, she knows. She knows I'm into her. Of course she does. How could she not? I'm so godsdamn stupid. She's a Goddess. And I profess my unbearably overwhelming love for her on public platforms every other day. Obviously, she would see that shit.
"Goddds, I'm so fucking stupiiid…"
I squat down in place and fight the urge to throw up. This anxiety is the worst kind of them all. It's the jagged kind. The serrated kind. The bladed kind. This shit has teeth and claws and hooks and they're ripping and tearing into me harder than Mick Gordon's most badass song on the Doom 2016 soundtrack, Rip and Tear. In fact, I pull that song up on my phone and play it at full volume for a little theme music to this most recent mental breakdown of mine.
I think I'm about to lose it. I think I might be about to snap.
"No, no, no, no," I tell myself, then force all my willpower to put me back upright. "Deep breaths. Shake it out. This totally works. It totally works. These fuck ass half baked bullshit coping mechanisms totally work. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good."
I most definitely am not good.
What if I relapse on crack, just as a treat?
[WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF HOW TO COOK COCAINE INTO CRACK].
I still have my pipe and everything. I just need chore.
"Fuuuck," I groan, clenching and unclenching my shaking hands. "No, no, no, no, c'mon. C'mon. Don't even think like that. Shiiit… Oh, Gods, I can't do this. I can't do this! I can't call her! I'm so! Fucking! Scared!"
With my next [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE], an idea blossoms.
I grab my phone and start calling someone else.
Ring, ring, ring, ring. Banana phone.
I'm so stressed it's making me delirious.
The second it connects, I start ranting and raving.
"I'm trying, right? I'm trying so hard to do this. To save Anna. I love Anna! I gotta save her! I just gotta! I'm seriously putting so, so, so much effort into this. I'm trying so… fucking hard. This–This–This is just–Like, this sorta shit just isn't easy for me at all, right? Okay? You know that. I mean, you know that! Obviously, you know that! I'm a–I'm a scatterbrained disorganized erratic manic piece of shit and I can't do anything right, I always fuck everything up and I know I'm fucking this up right now but I promise you I'm trying my best, I promise, but nobody ever thinks so because, with me, it never looks like what people expect to be a person's best, 'cause my best is, like, way worse than the average person's worst and it just looks like I'm fucking around but–but–but I promise I'm taking this seriously and I'm not goofing off and I really, really, really do wanna save Anna, and I swear I'm doing everything I can to–to–to keep at it, and just keep going, but I'm so fucking stupid and I'm so fucking stressed all the time and now it's been, like, three entire days and I still haven't found her and I know I'm fucking up and I keep getting distracted so I–Well, I'm really, really, really fucking sorry, Uncle H, I really am, but I don't think I can do this shit, man, I don't think I can handle it. I think I've gotta call it and–Fuck me, man, I think I have to quit. I think I gotta quit, man, I'm fucking up and I can't do it and I'm at the–I'm at my fucking limit, dude, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… Please don't hate me… Please… I'm sorry…"
"It's okay, little storm. I don't hate you. Quite the opposite. No, I love you, Nicole. I love you with all my heart. And I know you're doing your best. I do."
I'm about to break into tears, but no. Fuck that. I don't cry. I don't allow that kind of weakness to show through. Frantic nerves, sure, but not sadness. Never. Nobody will ever see or hear me crack like that again. "I… I love you too… I'm sorry…"
"What I'm hearing, storm, is that you're stuck. That's all. Just stuck. Not failing, not losing, not getting defeated. Stuck. And that's okay. I'm sure, somehow, we can get you unstuck. Wait one second and stay where you are. I'll be with you in person shortly."
"O–Okay… Thanks…"
Doot doot doot. He hung up.
I sit down on a park bench and stay where I am.
I'm so anxious it feels like I'm being hunted for sport.
Gods, how much can one person take?
I'm already broken. What else can I break?
Uncle Hades appears from a cloud of black smoke, dressed to the nines as always in a black pinstripe three piece suit. Can't remember the last time I saw him in the light of day. Without saying anything, he comes over and sits on the bench beside me, lighting one of his Dionysus Reds and exhaling slowly.
"You know…" He pauses, glancing at me sideways. "I've always admired your tenacity, Nicole. Truly."
"What tenacity?" I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. Sparking a Dionysus Blue, I hold onto my one and only lifeline. The humble cigarette. "I'm a quitter. I give up. All the time, I give up on things. I've given up everything already. I even gave up Anna… We drifted apart…"
"Drifting apart isn't giving up."
"I wasn't there for her. To fight off this abduction. To keep her safe." I suck down smoke and pray for her forgiveness. "To stop her from using. Meth. She's… She's hooked on meth…"
He lets out a long sigh, watching the clouds go by overhead. "You are not to blame for any of this. I understand why you feel that way, but I assure you it's misplaced. You know firsthand that if an addict decides to use… Sometimes, there's nothing anyone can do to stop it."
"But if I'd been there, been with her, to have her back and support her… Maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to in the first place."
"Those maybes serve no purpose, Nicole. You know that."
"Having no purpose doesn't make it untrue."
"No, but a maybe isn't reality. Nor is it certain."
I don't have a response to that, so I smoke some more and shut up to save face.
"This period of your life is a low one," he says, looking at me sideways. "I won't deny that. These past few years, you've been struggling in so many ways that you can't keep track of them all. I'm not certain anybody could. Everything you do is an uphill battle. Everything. Anyone with a lick of sense could see with just a glance how hard you're fighting."
"Fighting?" I spit in the dirt. "Ever since Shalise left me, I've been knocked out. KO. Dead on the floor."
"Dead wrong." He takes a long drag, studying me closely. He has the same piercing red eyes as Anna. "No, your fight is certainly ongoing, just beneath the surface. I see it. Anna sees it too. She and I… We're both rooting for you. Always have been. Always will."
I feel empty. But also a little better.
It's nice. Being seen. Being acknowledged.
I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that.
"She was always in my corner." I look up to watch the clouds go by too. The sky sure is blue. My favorite color. "But… How often have I been in hers?"
"Just as often, Nicole." He puts an arm around me and holds me close. "Just as often. When she needs you, you're there. She's never once lost faith in you. Ever."
I'm not sure I believe that. I need to hear it from her.
"Damn it." I hold my head in my hands and sigh. "Alright. Nevermind. I'll keep going. No KOs here. Guess I'd better quit moping. Way too many delays as it is without me making more."
"You call them delays." He holds me a little tighter and smiles. "I call them part of the journey. You're doing just fine, little storm. In fact, you're way ahead of schedule."
"Wait, what?" I demand, lifting my head. "No fucking way!"
"Yes, indeed. I estimated a week per rescue. This is day… three, as you said. Yes, because day zero was the evening you received this quest, that one doesn't count. You spent all of day one at the library, but then cleared four of Anna's tests in the span of a few hours on night one. Day two, you rested, as you needed to. Night two, you hit your head. Now here you are. Day three. Late afternoon."
I'm lost for words, staring a hole through him.
"Day three," he repeats, then shrugs. "And you're on the last stretch, right? Hecate has the final location. So, you'll go there, do whatever it is you need to do, and Anna will be free. Therefore, Nicole… You're actually four days ahead of schedule."
I'm still speechless.
"Oh, and as your sponsor, I went ahead and handled things with the other Divines. They're all on the same page that Anna comes first, and won't be bothering you until she's rescued. That is, they're expecting this to take a week as well. Meaning, none of them are waiting on you."
"But–But I stopped and… Tangents. Tangents, Uncle Hades, tangents! Sine, cosine, tangent! That's all I remember about trigonometry! I wandered off and–and had sex and stuff! Twice! Instead of working on this!"
"Why do you think I budgeted a full week per rescue? Three of those days are buffer periods, a full seventy two hours to accommodate for your vices, both narcotic and carnal."
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"I know and love my darling niece."
"Holy shit, man. Yeah you do. Damn…"
"So? Still worried about letting me down?"
"How the fuck could I be, Unc? Jesus. I'm good."
"Perfect." He kisses my head and shifts closer, still holding me. "That's done. Right? Good. Now, there was another reason to your call for help, wasn't there? Let's hear it."
"I have such a massive fucking crush on Hecate that she makes me extremely nervous in a good way, but my fucked up brain interprets that as being extremely nervous in a bad way. Does that make sense? Like, I'm just nervous about a girl, but my stupid brain reads that I'm nervous period, and that is bad. 'Cause, like, me being nervous? Bad, bad, bad. Like, involuntarily committed to Caduceus Psychiatric type shit. Like, ripping my skin off with a razor type shit. Like, full on psychotic breakdown crashing out so badly I'm on the evening world news again type shit."
"Yes, I see the dilemma. It's good that you called me. I'm very much able to help with that on multiple levels, both as your sponsor and as her colleague. So, what, you need to go see her?"
"Dude, I just need to call her. I can't even do that much!"
"Ah. Then I'll call her. Does that help?"
I fumble, straight back to panicking.
"Wait, the problem isn't just calling, it's talking to her."
"Y–Yes! Yeah! Jesus! Oh my Gods! Can't do it, man!"
"You spoke to her in the hospital, didn't you?"
"She tricked me into thinking I was getting committed!"
He tries and fails to stifle laughter. "Sorry. That's so in character. Come on, Nicole, she's one of the least judgmental Goddesses of the whole Pantheon. Just crack a few of your tasteless, irreverent, horrifically offensive jokes and you'll get along in no time. You two have much in common, honestly."
"No way. I'm scared, Unc! I'm terrified! What if I say something dumb and she hates me? I'll never be able to live with myself if Hecate hates me! Oh, fuck, throw me in the pit of Tartarus!"
"Nicole. You say dumb things all the time. It's part of your charm. She has an entire folder of screenshots of dumb things you've said online. I'm pretty sure she already thinks you're hilarious."
"Wait. Oh fuck, she did mention that!" My heart stops and I grab Uncle Hades by the shoulders. "Hilarious in an obnoxious class clown kinda way or in a sharp witted and clever jokester kinda way?"
"I'm almost certain she sees your flippancy as a plus."
"Um. Make that make sense to me?"
"The fact you take few things seriously and make light of pretty much everything is, I believe, a positive in her eyes and a source of amusement to her. In a good way. Not an obnoxious class clown way. More like a… 'You seem fun to be around' way."
Euphoria. It hits like a crack rock bellringer. My eyes roll back into my skull and I exhale a shaky sigh of pure ecstatic bliss.
"Seriously. Don't think too hard about it. I know saying this is cliche, but all you have to do is be yourself. I really do think she'll like you. So? Can I call her for you? I'll put it on speaker, so it's both of us talking to her instead of just you."
My heart is racing. I quickly nod.
"Good, Nicole. Good."
He places the call and it goes straight to the busy tone.
"Huh." He hangs up and frowns. "Something's buzzing."
I hear it now too. It's from my bag. "Hope it's not one of my bullet vibrat–Oh shit! Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Oh no! She's calling me!"
"That is a lot of hearts in her contact name."
"Shut uuup! Ahhh! What do I dooo?"
He takes my phone and answers it. "Hound. You're on speaker with Nicole and I both."
"Eat shit, H," she declares, right off rip. "If you're gonna play hooky, the least you could do is invite me. Hey, Nicole. Some reason you're keeping me waiting?"
My heart is in my throat.
"She and I were busy talking," Uncle Hades answers, lighting another cigarette. "Pertinent discussion between sponsor and hero. Divine quest and all. You understand. We were just wrapping up, however, so go right ahead."
"Damn it. I was planning to talk shit about you. Whatever. Nicole, you cleared the fifth of Anna's tests, right? Or is this guy bothering you in the middle of it? Want me to scare him off?"
"Huh… Uhhh…"
"Yes, Hound, she cleared the fifth test."
"Lovely. Next. Final clue. This is the big one. You figure out the location, you'll find Anna there. Yes, I've known this all along, but someone wouldn't let me just fucking tell you."
"Divine quest," Uncle Hades sighs with a cloud of smoke. "And we Divines are remaining strictly uninvolved in this endeavor, as you'll recall."
"Tell that to Anna."
"I don't need to. All will be clear, in time."
"Right. Sure. Whatever you say. Nicole, you listening?"
"Hahh–Uh… She… Me?"
"Yes, she's listening."
"Anna's at the place where you found the moon."
"The fuck?" That shit slaps me awake, 'cause I don't have a damn clue what that means. Until I do. "Ohhh. Wow, that's an old reference. Shit, that happened in, like, third grade. Damn. She really is trying to make sure it's me on her trail."
"Well, yeah. Wonder why."
"'Cause of the corpos and stuff, yeah. True…"
There's a noticeably long beat of silence.
"Wait, you don't know? Hades?"
"You don't?" He's looking at me with concern.
"Wait! Wait! Don't you dare tell her! She'll be fine. It'll be way more interesting if it's a surprise. Nicole, you have your kickboxing gloves with you, right?"
"Uh… Yeah? Always."
"Great. Off you go, then. Anna awaits."
Doot doot doot.
Hecate hung up the phone.
Ohhh, I am so in love.
"Unfortunately, little storm," Uncle Hades mumbles, then cracks a grin. "She's right. It will be much more interesting if you remain uninformed. You'll be fine. Just… Be ready for a good fight."
"Fuck yeah." I slap my thighs and stand up with a smile on my face. "I could go for a good fight right about now! Been a minute since I really had to go hard! Shit, after this much stress, my ass is ready to go beast mode! Let's fucking gooo!"
Blue lightning strikes me from above.
The force of it blows out every window around me and sets off a bunch of car alarms, but I don't give a fuck! More job security for those glass repair guys! The energy of the shock sticks around, giving me an even bigger rush than any amount of cocaine or methamphetamine could ever dream of. I grab my backpack, dig up my old kickboxing gloves from its deepest depths, and stow them in my hoodie pocket before slinging the bag over my shoulders, chugging the last of the vodka, smashing the glass on the concrete, and hugging the greatest uncle of all time.
"Thanks, Unc. Damn, I really needed that."
"Every hero hits the point where they're down and out." He keeps a hand on my shoulder and gives me a proud half smile. "It's the ones who stand back up who become legends. You're on your way, little storm. Show these bastards what you're made of. And make sure to send a message while you're at it."
"You fuck with Anna," I say with a deep breath, "you fuck with me."
"Damn right. Go save her, Nicole."
Uncle Hades and I trade solemn nods.
I bolt away, heading to the old planetarium.
It's about time I got my best friend back.