Scene 1: Absurd Death (Expanded)
I always thought death would be… dramatic.
A car crash. A heroic sacrifice. Maybe even a lightning strike while I heroically shouted, "Not today, fate!"
But no. My grand, dignified departure from Earth was choking—on a boiled egg.
And before you ask, yes, it was a chicken egg. Not dragon's egg. Not a phoenix egg. Just your everyday, supermarket-special chicken egg.
It happened on a Tuesday morning, which made it even worse. Because nothing good ever happens on Tuesdays.
One moment I was sitting at my kitchen table, half-asleep, scrolling on my phone while stuffing breakfast into my mouth. The next, I inhaled too fast, and the egg decided it wanted to be my final boss.
I flailed. I kicked the chair. I made noises that could only be described as "dying walrus cosplay." And as the world blurred, I had one final thought:
This is such a dumb way to die… I hope no one finds my search history.
Then darkness.
When I opened my eyes again, I wasn't in my crappy one-room apartment anymore. No mold on the walls, no broken fan, no unpaid bills staring at me with judgmental authority.
Instead, I floated in an endless void. Black, starless, soundless… except for the glowing blue screen hovering in front of me.
It read:
[Ding! Congratulations, Host, on dying in the dumbest way possible.]
I blinked. "…What?"
Another screen popped up, cheerful as a corporate HR message.
[Achievement Unlocked: 'Egg-cident.']
Reward: None. (We're ashamed of you.)
I rubbed my eyes. "Okay, hallucination. Cool. Makes sense. I'm brain-dead from oxygen loss. Any second now, I'll wake up drooling on the hospital bed with a nurse laughing at me."
Instead, the screen flickered again:
[Welcome, Host, to the Grand Hero's System™!]
Disclaimer: System is not responsible for host incompetence, stupidity, or further egg-related incidents.
I stared at the glowing text. My head spun. System? Hero? Did I… actually reincarnate into one of those game-like worlds?
My heart leapt with cautious excitement. "Wait… you're telling me I get a system? Like in all those webnovels? With stats and skills and leveling up?"
The screen pulsed.
[Yes. Although in your case, we recommend 'survival' as a long-term career goal.]
"…What's that supposed to mean?"
[It means you're weak, Host. Epically weak. Catastrophically weak. You are the tutorial NPC of your own life.]
My jaw dropped. "Excuse me?!"
[Correction: You are not excused.]
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how my afterlife began: with a system that was clearly programmed by a sarcastic intern.
Scene 2: First Contact with the System
The glowing screen blinked again, words forming with a cheerful little ding!
[Initializing Host Status… Loading heroic potential… Searching… Searching… Still searching… Oh. Oh dear.]
I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Another screen appeared, this one way too smug for glowing pixels.
[Status Screen Loaded. Brace yourself, Host.]
The panel expanded, filling my vision with numbers.
—STATUS—
Name: Lynx (apparently that's me now, don't ask)
Race: Human (barely)
Class: …Trash? (Seriously?)
Level: 0 (congratulations, you've achieved nothing)
Strength: 1 (a newborn baby could bench more)
Agility: 2 (grandma speedrun record holder)
Intelligence: -1 (yes, negative. Don't choke on another egg)
Luck: "HAHAHAHA"
I blinked. Then blinked again. "Negative intelligence?! How does that even work?!"
The System didn't hesitate.
[It means your thought process reduces the IQ of everyone within a five-meter radius.]
I choked on my words. "That's… that's slander!"
[Correction: It's statistics.]
I wanted to punch the glowing screen. I really did. But then another notification popped up, like salt on my wounded pride.
[Ding! Achievement Unlocked: 'First Argument With System.']
Reward: The profound knowledge that you are wrong.]
I groaned. "So what am I supposed to do now? Train? Fight monsters? Rise to the top?"
The System buzzed like it was holding back laughter.
[Host, with your current stats, fighting a chicken would be a death sentence.]
I froze. "…"
[Correction: A chicken egg has already proven fatal once. We don't recommend escalation.]
"…I hate you."
[The feeling is mutual, Host.]
I slumped down in the void, hands on my face. This was it. I'd been given a system—a chance at reincarnation glory—and it came with the personality of a stand-up comedian who wanted me dead.
And I had the stats of a soggy noodle.
Scene 3: The First Quest
Just as I was debating whether I could strangle a hologram, another screen flashed in front of me. This one was decorated with confetti, like it was announcing a lottery prize.
[Ding! Congratulations, Host! Your very first quest has been generated.]
My heart jumped. "Finally! A quest! This is it—the beginning of my epic journey! Maybe I'll slay a goblin, or find a legendary sword, or—"
The text scrolled down.
[Quest: Stand in the middle of the nearest village square and loudly declare: 'I am the handsomest man alive!' Repeat three times.]
Reward: Beginner's Toenail Clipper (Uncommon).
Failure Penalty: Spontaneous public pants-dropping.]
I stared at the screen. Then rubbed my eyes. Then stared again.
"…What?"
The System chimed sweetly.
[Repeat: Quest objective is to shout 'I am the handsomest man alive!' thrice in a crowded area.]
"I—I'm not doing that!" I snapped. "That's insane!"
[Correction: That's hilarious. And mandatory.]
"Why the hell would you give me something like this?!"
[Because, Host, you lack charisma. This is character development.]
"Character development my ass! How is humiliating myself development?!"
[Exposure therapy.]
I felt my soul shrivel. "And the reward is… a toenail clipper?"
[Yes. Beginner's Toenail Clipper (Uncommon). Very valuable. Cuts toenails AND carrots. Truly versatile.]
"Are you kidding me?!"
[No. If I were kidding, you'd be getting a rusty spoon.]
I collapsed to my knees in the void. "This… this is my cheat system?!"
The screen pulsed smugly.
[Correction: This is your comedy system.]
I wanted to cry. I really did. But instead, the void shimmered and the next thing I knew—
I was standing in the middle of a rustic-looking village, cobblestone streets beneath my feet, NPC-looking villagers milling about.
The System's voice rang in my head.
[Quest begins now. Shout it, Host.]
My jaw clenched. Oh, hell no.
Scene 4: The Public Humiliation
I stood in the middle of the village square, surrounded by stalls selling bread, fruit, and suspiciously overpriced radishes. Kids chased each other across the cobblestones. An old man fed pigeons. Women bargained with merchants over cheese.
In short, it was the perfect, peaceful, quiet morning.
And I was about to ruin it.
The System pinged.
[Quest Reminder: Shout 'I am the handsomest man alive!' three times.]
[Tip: Failure penalty = pants dropped. And judging by your stats, you have nothing to brag about down there.]
I clenched my fists. "I hate you."
[Hate is a strong word. I prefer 'deep mutual dislike.']
I swallowed hard. Okay. I could do this. Just three shouts. Then it's over. Nobody here knows me anyway, right? They'll forget in five minutes.
I raised my head, puffed my chest, and shouted:
"I AM THE HANDSOMEST MAN ALIVE!"
The entire square froze.
A merchant dropped a basket of apples. A horse sneezed. A baby began crying in the distance.
My face burned. The villagers turned, eyes widening.
"Did… did he just say…?" whispered one.
I wanted to die. But the System chimed again:
[1/3 completed. Two more to go, sunshine.]
I groaned. "Do I really—"
[Yes. Or pants go bye-bye.]
I grit my teeth. Fine. Whatever. Let's just get it over with.
"I AM THE HANDSOMEST MAN ALIVE!!"
This time, people actually stopped what they were doing and stared. One burly blacksmith tilted his head, squinting at me.
"…Handsome? Him?"
Another villager gasped. "Wait. Could he be a cultivator master in disguise? Testing our perception?"
"Yes!" a woman whispered. "It must be a test! He looks ordinary, but maybe he's hiding unimaginable power!"
"Or maybe," muttered an old man, "he's just an idiot."
I felt my soul leaving my body.
[2/3 completed. One more, tiger.]
I inhaled deeply, screamed from the depths of my humiliation:
"I AM THE HANDSOMEST MAN ALIVE!!!"
A dramatic silence followed.
Then, slowly… applause.
What.
Villagers started nodding sagely. A boy clapped. The blacksmith stroked his beard.
"Yes… very brave," someone murmured.
"Only a true expert would dare such shamelessness!" another agreed.
I blinked. Wait. Were they… misunderstanding this?!
The System cackled in my head.
[Quest complete! Reward granted: Beginner's Toenail Clipper (Uncommon).]
A glowing item appeared in my hand. It looked exactly like… well… a toenail clipper.
The crowd gasped. "An artifact appeared!"
"He really IS a master!"
"…Or he's insane and carries weird tools."
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
Scene 5: Angry Goose Attack + Emergency Quest
I was still standing there like an idiot, clutching my Beginner's Toenail Clipper (Uncommon), when the System decided to bless me with more misery.
[Ding! New Emergency Quest triggered!]
I froze. "…Emergency?"
The screen pulsed.
[Quest: Defeat the Angry Goose terrorizing the village square.]
Reward: 5 EXP + Honorable Title: 'Bird Slayer (Junior).']
Failure Penalty: Lifelong Goose Phobia (Permanent Debuff).]
I blinked. "…You've got to be kidding me."
And then I heard it.
"HONK."
Everyone turned. From the far end of the square waddled a massive goose—white feathers gleaming, beady eyes filled with murder, wings spread like the herald of poultry doom.
It locked eyes with me.
Another "HONK" shook the air.
The villagers gasped. "It's him! The Angry Goose!"
"Run, everyone! Last time it attacked, Old Man Kellen lost his trousers!"
"No one can defeat it!"
I paled. "…It's just a goose."
[Correction: Level 5 Goose. Boss-tier for your stats.]
The goose charged.
"HOOOOONK!"
The villagers scattered in panic, overturning carts and dropping baskets. Chickens fled. Dogs barked. And I—standing dead center—realized I was about to become poultry food.
I tightened my grip on the toenail clipper. "You've got to be kidding me… I can't fight a goose with THIS!"
[Correction: You can. You'll just die doing it.]
The goose flapped its wings, gaining terrifying speed.
I screamed. "SYSTEM, GIVE ME A WEAPON!"
[Weapon request denied. Please enjoy your clipper.]
"WHAT?!"
[Fine. Random skill unlocked: 'Improvised Weapon Mastery (Lv. 1).']
[Effect: You can now wield household items as if they were legendary weapons. But they're still household items.]
The toenail clipper glowed faintly in my hand. The crowd gasped.
"The artifact… it's awakening!"
"He's going to slay the beast!"
The goose lunged, beak wide open.
I screamed, raised the toenail clipper…
…and that's when the chapter ends.
✅ Chapter 1 Recap (for continuity at the start of Ch.2):
MC dies choking on an egg → meets sarcastic System → humiliating first quest ("I am the handsomest man alive!") → rewarded with a toenail clipper → mistaken for a master → Emergency Quest: fight a goose.
👉 Next Chapter Preview:
Can our MC survive his first battle with nothing but a toenail clipper and negative intelligence?
Will the villagers still think he's a hidden master… or a total fraud?
And just how deadly is an Angry Goose?
⚡ CTA (Call to Action):
If you enjoyed this ridiculous start, stick around for Chapter 2! It only gets crazier from here—more sarcasm, more chaos, and yes… more poultry. Don't forget to add this story to your library, leave a comment, and let's laugh together as our trash MC somehow stumbles toward greatness!