Scene 1: Goose vs. Toenail Clipper
The village square was chaos. Merchants abandoned their stalls, children screamed, old men hobbled away as fast as their brittle bones could carry them. A single feathered demon strutted at the center of the madness, wings outstretched, eyes glowing with poultry malice.
The Angry Goose.
And me—the unlucky reincarnator who, according to the System, had exactly one job: "Defeat the beast."
I stared down at the glowing toenail clipper in my hand.
"…This is insane."
The System chimed with its usual smugness:
[Correction: This is a tutorial boss. You dying here would be very on-brand.]
The goose flapped its wings, each beat like the sails of a warship catching a storm. Dust swirled around its talons as it began charging straight at me.
"HOOOONK!"
My knees shook. "I… I don't even know how to use a toenail clipper as a weapon!"
[That's fine. You'll die stylishly.]
"Not helpful!" I yelled, fumbling the tiny clipper into both hands like it was a divine sword.
And then it happened—my body shifted. My knees bent, my arms raised, my eyes narrowed. I didn't intend to pose, but somehow I was standing like a martial arts master from a wuxia painting.
The villagers, peeking from behind barrels and overturned carts, gasped in awe.
"Do you see that stance?" one whispered.
"Graceful, yet deadly…"
"Only a hidden master could stand so casually in front of the Goose of Death!"
"Hidden master?!" I hissed, sweat dripping down my temple. "I'm literally shaking!"
The goose charged faster. My grip on the clipper tightened, knuckles white.
The System pinged.
[Ding! New skill unlocked: Improvised Weapon Mastery (Lv. 1).]
[Effect: Any random object you hold is treated as a weapon. But don't get excited—trash is still trash.]
My toenail clipper glowed faintly brighter, like a divine relic forged by gods who had way too much time on their hands.
The villagers' jaws dropped.
"It's… it's an artifact!"
"He's revealing his true weapon!"
"I knew it, only a transcendent cultivator would fight a monster goose with such a humble tool!"
"I AM NOT A CULTIVATOR!" I shouted.
The goose honked so loudly my eardrums nearly burst. Then it leapt, beak aimed for my throat.
I screamed and flailed with the clipper like a man swatting mosquitoes. My movements were pure panic—random swings, half-slips, and desperate hops backwards.
But to the villagers… it looked like I was weaving through the goose's attack with the elegance of a master swordsman.
"Look! The footwork!"
"He's dodging with flowing water steps!"
"Amazing… I can't even follow his speed!"
Speed? I was tripping over my own shoelaces!
The System laughed in my ear.
[Congratulations. You've discovered the ultimate martial secret: blind panic.]
Scene 2: The First Clash
The goose lunged again, wings battering the air like storm clouds. Its beak gleamed in the sunlight—sharper than a dagger, thirstier than a vampire at a blood bank.
I swung the toenail clipper with all the power of a terrified office worker who had skipped gym class for twenty-six years.
Clink!
The clipper snapped shut on a single goose feather.
The world froze.
The feather drifted to the ground in slow motion, golden sunlight catching on its edges like a fallen angel's wing. The villagers gasped.
"…He plucked the beast!" one old man whispered in awe.
"Impossible. Even the town guards couldn't make it shed a single feather!" another gasped.
"He's… he's toying with it!"
"To- TOYING?!" I screeched. My hands trembled, my face pale. "I was aiming for its throat!"
The goose staggered back, blinking at its missing feather. For a brief, blessed moment, I thought maybe I had scared it off.
Then its eyes turned red.
"HOOOOONK!"
The ground trembled as the monster spread its wings wider than ever before. A gust of wind ripped through the market, knocking over baskets of apples and blowing a poor granny's wig straight into the fountain.
[Ding! You landed a Critical Hit! Target HP reduced by… 0.01%. Truly fearsome.]
"Zero point zero one?!" I barked. "That's not even a scratch!"
[Don't underestimate yourself. At this pace, you'll only need to hit it 9,999 more times.]
I wanted to cry.
The villagers, however, were practically in tears of admiration.
"Did you see that? He didn't even break a sweat!"
"A master who can show mercy even to a beast! He clipped its feather instead of killing it!"
"Truly a sage of unparalleled compassion!"
I wasn't showing mercy—I was failing miserably!
The goose shrieked, wings flapping so hard that dust blasted into my eyes. Blindly, I stumbled back, blinking furiously, while still holding the clipper in front of me like it was the last shield between me and certain death.
The crowd roared with awe.
"Look at that stance!"
"He fights even with his eyes closed!"
"What elegance… what technique!"
I coughed, wheezed, and muttered, "I can't see a damn thing—" before tripping over a cabbage and landing flat on my back.
But to the villagers, it looked like a deliberate evasive maneuver, rolling gracefully to avoid the beast's deadly charge.
The goose screeched and slammed its beak down, missing me by inches. Its sharp tip cracked a cobblestone in half.
The villagers screamed. "He's baiting it! He's letting it waste energy!"
"No, you idiots, I'm BAITING DEATH!" I howled, scrambling back to my feet.
The System chimed sweetly:
[Ding! Congratulations. You've unlocked a new Title: 'The Misunderstood.']
[Effect: NPCs are now 200% more likely to misinterpret everything you do as genius.]
"…This is going to kill me."
[That's the spirit.]
Scene 3: Comedy Chaos Escalates
The goose lunged again, snapping at my leg with the fury of a thousand rejected bread crumbs. I yelped and bolted through the market square, toenail clipper raised like a holy relic.
Behind me came the sound of death incarnate:
HOOOOOOONK!
Villagers scattered in every direction. Baskets overturned, vegetables flew, stalls collapsed like dominoes as I sprinted past, weaving like a man possessed.
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I screamed, shoving aside a barrel of carrots.
The System pinged cheerfully:
[Ding! Improvised Weapon Mastery (Lv. 1) activated.]
[You've acquired new weapons: Carrot Lance, Cabbage Bomb, and Legendary Mop of Destiny.]
"…Are you kidding me?!" I yelled, now holding a broom in one hand and the toenail clipper in the other.
The goose honked and dove at me, its wings battering the stalls like siege weapons. Without thinking, I jabbed the broomstick forward.
BONK!
It smacked the goose right on the beak. The bird reeled back, more out of surprise than pain.
The villagers gasped in awe.
"Did you see that precision?!"
"He disarmed the beast with a mere cleaning tool!"
"No, no… he's deliberately suppressing his power to train himself against weaker foes!"
"I AM NOT TRAINING! I'M TRYING NOT TO DIE!" I shrieked.
The goose shook its head, then screeched again, angrier than before. It flapped its wings, sending a shockwave of feathers into the air. I grabbed a cabbage off the ground and hurled it.
SMACK!
The cabbage exploded into leaves against the goose's chest. The villagers gasped like I had just unleashed a forbidden spell.
"…Vegetable Throwing Technique…!"
"Only a supreme expert could weaponize produce like that!"
"Truly, his Dao is beyond mortal comprehension!"
I panted, sweating buckets. "If I survive this, I'm suing every one of you for slander."
The System chuckled in my ear:
[You should thank them. At least you'll die looking like a legend.]
The goose shrieked and charged again. I ducked into an alley, sprinting past a fishmonger's stall. Desperate, I grabbed a bucket of sardines and flung it behind me.
The goose slipped on the oily fish, skidding across the cobblestones and crashing into a stack of barrels.
For one glorious moment, the market fell silent.
The villagers erupted into cheers.
"He… he anticipated the beast's movement!"
"No, he lured it into a trap!"
"A genius tactician and a fearless warrior—our village is saved!"
I bent over, gasping for breath, sardine guts dripping from my sleeve. "…I smell like a dead ocean."
[Ding! You've unlocked a new Passive Skill: Eau de Fish (Lv. MAX). Effect: Permanently smell like sardines. Attracts cats. And probably worse things.]
"…I hate this System."
The goose shook off the barrels, feathers ruffled, eyes glowing with fury. It spotted me instantly and let out another bone-rattling HOOOOONK! before charging again, twice as fast.
My blood ran cold.
The villagers gasped.
"He's not done yet…"
"The duel continues!"
"What a battle! What a legend!"
I wanted to scream.
Scene 4: The Desperate Move
The goose thundered forward, each honk rattling my bones. My mop was splintered, my bucket of sardines was empty, and all I had left was… the damn toenail clipper.
I held it up like a knight raising Excalibur. "Please don't let me die like this…"
The System pinged with unbearable smugness:
[Ding! Special Skill available: Honk Mimicry.]
[Effect: Allows user to honk back at goose. Warning: Extremely stupid.]
"…You want me to HONK?!" I shouted.
[Yes. Clearly, shouting at it has worked so far.]
"That's not a strategy!"
[Neither is wielding a toenail clipper. And yet, here you are.]
I paled. The goose was ten feet away, wings spread, eyes glowing like hellfire.
The villagers looked on with breathless awe.
"He hasn't even moved…"
"He's… he's waiting until the very last second…"
"Such confidence! Such composure!"
"SUCH TERROR!" I screamed.
The goose lunged. Desperate, I squeezed my eyes shut, filled my lungs, and…
"HOOOOOOOOONK!"
The sound ripped from my throat like a dying trumpet. It echoed across the market square, bouncing off the walls, scaring pigeons into the sky.
The goose froze mid-lunge. Its eyes widened.
The villagers collapsed to their knees.
"…D-did you hear that?"
"He spoke in the language of the beast…"
"No—he commanded it!"
I cracked one eye open. "…Wait… it worked?"
The goose stepped back, tilting its head. For the first time, it looked… confused.
The System chimed, smug as ever:
[Ding! New Skill unlocked: Goose Whisperer (Lv. 1).]
[Effect: When you honk, geese are 10% more likely to hesitate instead of murdering you.]
"…That's it?! Ten percent?!"
[Would you like to upgrade the skill? Requirement: Honk at least 1,000 more times.]
"One thousand honks?! I'll destroy my vocal cords!"
The goose blinked at me again. Then, with a sound like thunder, it honked back—louder, angrier, chest puffed out like a feathery warlord.
The villagers gasped in unison.
"…It accepted his challenge!"
"A battle of souls! A duel in their sacred tongue!"
"Only the chosen one could force the Goose of Doom into an honorable honk duel!"
I wanted to die.
The System snickered in my ear.
[Good news: Your opponent takes this seriously now.]
[Bad news: You still look ridiculous.]
The goose honked again.
I gulped. Then, throat burning, I honked back.
"HOOOOONK!"
And so, in front of the entire village, our epic duel began—
Not with swords.
Not with magic.
But with two idiots screaming "honk" at each other like broken car horns.
The honk-duel raged on. My throat was raw, my lungs burned, and tears streamed down my face. The goose, however, looked stronger with every honk, like it was drawing power from sheer humiliation.
"HOOOOOONK!" it bellowed, wings flaring, cobblestones cracking beneath its talons.
"Hhh—HOOOONK!" I croaked back, voice breaking like a teenager in choir practice.
The villagers were in tears of reverence.
"Such endurance!"
"He honks even when his body is breaking!"
"A true warrior of the Honk Dao!"
"I'M DYING!" I screamed mid-honk.
The goose's chest swelled. This was it—its ultimate honk. I could feel it. A honk so powerful it would shatter the heavens, rupture my eardrums, and end my pathetic second life before it had even begun.
The System pinged.
[Warning: Incoming Fatal Honk detected.]
[Survival Probability: 0%.]
"…Then why even bother warning me?!"
[Because I enjoy your despair.]
The goose inhaled. The air warped. Villagers clutched their ears and staggered back in terror.
This was it. Game over.
But then—another ping.
[Ding! Emergency Protocol Activated.]
[Choose one Ultimate Skill to survive:]
1. Egg Shield – Summon a giant egg to block the attack. (Side effect: you may choke on it again.)
2. Honk of Friendship – Attempt to befriend the goose by out-honking it. (Success rate: 0.01%.)
3. Goose Slayer Mode – Triple your power for 5 seconds, then pass out in a puddle of your own shame.
The world froze as glowing panels hovered in front of me, counting down.
10… 9… 8…
Sweat dripped down my face. My throat throbbed. The goose's chest glowed with apocalyptic power.
"…Oh crap oh crap oh crap—"
3… 2… 1…
I jabbed my finger at a skill—
And the world exploded in honk-light.
⚡️ Next Chapter Preview — Chapter 3: "Egg-xecution" ⚡️
Our unlucky hero makes his fateful choice!
Will it save him… or humiliate him beyond repair?
Spoiler: probably both.
🔥 CTA (Call to Action):
If you laughed, smirked, or even thought "what the honk did I just read?", hit that power stone, comment, and add to library! Your honks fuel this author's survival! 🥚🪶