(Normalville, morning. The school yard is buried under 4 feet of snow even though it's August. A single raccoon shivers violently in the distance.)
The four kids stand outside, wrapped in trash bags, socks, and stolen scarves. Kord is wearing nothing but swim trunks and ski goggles.
Kylee:
"Why the hell is it snowing?! It was 92 degrees yesterday."
Trey (scrolling on his cracked phone):
"Google says this town isn't real. So that checks out."
Kinni (muffled, wearing a frozen pizza box as a hat):
"My asshh is freezin' off… I can feel it cryin'."
Kord:
"I can't feel anything. I think that's good, right?"
(Cut to school interior. Pipes frozen solid. Cafeteria ladies are using flamethrowers to cook soup. Kids huddle around hand dryers like it's a cult ritual.)
Ms. Bleach:
"Children, due to legal reasons, the school will remain OPEN despite the snowstorm."
Kylee:
"Legal reasons?"
Ms. Bleach:
"Yeah. If they close the school, they have to pay us."
A chunk of ceiling collapses. Ice falls onto a student. Nobody reacts.
(Lunchtime. Kinni tries to sit down, but his pants freeze to the cafeteria bench instantly.)
Kinni (muffled, panicking):
"Hhhhhuughhh!! I'm shtuck!! My ashh— my ashhh isshhh—!"
Kylee:
"Oh my god, he's frozen to the table."
Trey (deadpan):
"That's how penguins die. True story."
Kord:
"Do we unstick him… or do we monetize this?"
❄️ TIME SKIP – 20 minutes later
A crowd forms around Kinni, still frozen to the bench. Someone's livestreaming it on "SplatTok." A kid is selling hot cocoa for $7 a cup.
Random kid:
"He's been fused to the school. He IS the school now."
Principal Clench (twitching):
"We are NOT calling the fire department again. I am NOT doing paperwork."
Kylee:
"He's literally turning blue!"
Trey:
"Blue's a vibe. Leave him."
(Suddenly, a heroic idea hits Kord. He rips open a bag of flaming hot chips and pours them directly down Kinni's back.)
Kinni (muffled):
"HHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"
The force of heat and rage causes Kinni to break free, flying into the milk dispenser and shattering it.
Milk floods the cafeteria. Kids scream.
💀 FINAL SCENE:
Kinni stands in the middle of a dairy lake, pantsless, screaming at the ceiling.
Kinni (muffled, furious):
"MY ASHHH ISSHH A GLASHIER!!"
Kylee:
"He's gonna sue somebody."
Trey:
"Hope it's me. I need money."
Kord (softly, as the sprinklers activate):
"Rest in peace… Frozen Ass."