(Recess. Normalville Elementary's playground looks like it was built during a nuclear test. A swing is on fire. A trash can is moving on its own. Children scream in the distance.)
Kinni walks onto the blacktop, dragging a dead squirrel by a yarn leash.
Kinni (muffled):
"Huhhh guysh… lookit. Thish ish Mr. Grumpy Asshh Puhhssy."
Kylee recoils, horrified.
Kylee:
"What in the plague-infected HELL is that?"
Trey (eyes locked on his cracked phone):
"It's a squirrel. And it's dead. That tail's stiff as my math grade."
Kord (chewing on something suspiciously fuzzy):
"That's a beautiful moment of love and grief, man. Let him cope."
Kinni (muffled):
"He'sh my emoshonal shupport grump."
(Cut to classroom. Kinni places Mr. Grumpy Ass Pussy on his desk. Kids scatter.)
Ms. Bleach:
"Kinni, sweetie. WHY is there roadkill in my classroom?"
Kinni (muffled):
"He'sh potty trained. Ishh fine."
The squirrel slides off the desk with a wet SPLORTCH. A kid screams.
Kylee:
"I think it twitched. I'm calling PETA… or the CDC."
Ms. Bleach (whispers):
"I should've majored in marine biology."
(Principal Clench's office. A taxidermy moose head watches silently.)
Principal Clench:
"Squirrels are not support animals. They do not count. THEY DO NOT COUNT."
Kinni (muffled):
"You jusht don't reshhpect the bond."
Trey:
"What if he has grief-based rabies? That's, like, a medical thing now, right?"
Kylee:
"Technically, the squirrel's not 'alive,' so there's no policy violation."
Kord (drinking expired juice):
"Let my man have his emotional corpse."
Principal Clench:
"I'm gonna walk into traffic."
(Later. Schoolyard. Tiny grave, plastic spork cross. Funeral music from a phone speaker. Kinni kneels beside the squirrel's grave.)
Kinni (muffled):
"Ashh we lay Grumpy Asshh Puhhssy to resht…"
The clouds rumble.
Kylee:
"Oh no. Nature's rejecting this entire scene."
Kord:
"I hear angels. Or maybe that's a siren."
Suddenly, a lightning bolt obliterates the squirrel with a BLAM.
Everyone freezes.
Kylee:
"OH MY GOD. They killed Grumpy Ass Pussy!"
Trey:
"You bastards."
Kinni (muffled, whispering):
"He went out like a legend…"