It was a regular Tuesday morning at Normalville Middle School. Which meant: fire in the bathroom, a janitor chasing a raccoon with a mop, and a girl crying in the hallway over a sandwich shaped like a celebrity.
Kylee was sitting on the steps outside, chewing stale gum and waiting for literally anyone to show up who wasn't brain-dead.
Kylee: If one more NPC walks past me and says "bro, it's Tuesday," I'm shoving this gum up their nose.
Trey appears, holding a book titled "How to Survive the Apocalypse (With Snacks)".
Trey: We're already living in the apocalypse. Just in slow motion.
Kord: (running up, excited) GUYS GUYS GUYS. NAKED. WOMEN.
Kylee: …Okay. Gonna need context before I kick you in the throat.
Trey: Is this another one of your fake "secret websites" where the computer gets 400 viruses and screams?
Kord: No! I SWEAR. It's real. The 8th graders found a stash of ancient magazines in the gym walls when they were knocking out the asbestos.
Kylee: That school has asbestos?
Trey: This school IS asbestos.
Kord: Anyway. They're like old, dusty, printed pictures. Real boobs. The kind your uncle goes to jail for.
Trey: Ew.
Kord: I saw a nipple and I haven't blinked since.
Kinni strolls up, completely fine, zero explanation for how he's alive. Hoodie back on, energy chaotic as ever.
Kinni: Mrrghh… did shomeone shay BOOBSH??
Kylee: Oh, look who's alive again.
Kord: Yeah, didn't you get flattened by a van?
Kinni:Shpeedbump life chose me.
Trey: Did the afterlife not want you either?
Kinni: They shent me back becaushe I shtarted a shtrip club for ghostsh.
Kylee: That checks out.
CUT TO: The Gym
The gang peeks into the cracked gym door. A group of 8th grade boys are huddled around a pile of dusty magazines from like, 1994.
Someone whispers:"Bro this one's got like… THREE pages stuck together."
Kylee: This is pathetic.
Trey: This is anthropology. The study of horny, stupid idiots.
Kord: I wanna read the articles!
Kinni:I wanna lick the staplesh.
Kylee: I'm gonna barf.
Suddenly, Coach Brenda walks in — the school's 65-year-old, permanently angry gym teacher with a mustache thicker than a broom handle.
Coach Brenda: WHO THE HELL BROKE MY WALL?
Everyone:SCATTER!
They all run, screaming, as Coach Brenda picks up a dodgeball and nails one of the 8th graders so hard he flips like a pancake.
CUT TO: The Library – Hiding Out
The crew is catching their breath behind a stack of encyclopedias no one's touched since 2002.
Trey: That was a war crime.
Kord: I think she popped his lung.
Kinni: Worth it.
Kylee: You didn't even see a magazine.
Kinni: I touched one.
Trey: Bro that's how curses start.
Kylee: I don't get it. Why are boys so obsessed with boobs?
Kord: Because we weren't hugged enough as babies.
Trey: Or maybe because every boy brain comes pre-installed with a virus called "dumb."
Kylee: You said it.
Kinni: Boobsh… are a gift from the universh…
Kylee: You can't even say it right.
Kinni: Boobshh.
Suddenly: The fire alarm goes off.
Trey: Not again.
Kord: What was it this time?
Kinni: I may have left a candle burning on a Playboy…
Kylee: DUDE.
Trey: YOU LIT PORN ON FIRE IN THE LIBRARY?!
Kinni: It wash romantic!!
FINAL SCENE:
They're sitting outside while the fire department hoses down the school again. Black smoke rises over the gym. An 8th grader gets carted into an ambulance still holding a single boob page.
Kylee: So what did we learn today?
Trey: That boys are hopeless.
Kord: That boobs are eternal.
Kinni: That fire cleanshes the shoul.
Kylee: I'm transferring schools.