One year passed away. However, still I never got to ask Bhaskar about that.
Tears came out of my eyes like a waterfall as I was watching the Chinese drama Genz, which got released in 2021, in my living room with Bhaskar with a can of beer in my hand.
'Hey, why are you crying?' asked Bhaskar.
'Nothing, it's just I can highly relate to the character of Sun Tou Tou.'
'How?'
'It's just whenever I see his reactions and logic and misunderstandings that others had with her, it makes me cry. Sun Tou Tou is an ordinary girl who does the work of a delivery woman. She delivers food to households. She is a sensitive Gen Z woman with the perspectives and thoughts of the Gen Z generation. She easily tends to cry when someone shouts at her. She did a lot to stand on her own two feet in his life but gets bullied, insulted, and also misunderstood by others.
'How can you relate yourself with her?'
'When I was small, I was, like, way too innocent, like any other child, easily swayed by others, and couldn't differentiate good from bad. As I attained puberty, everything started to change. Everything became annoying. Even a little noise, which used to grow my curiosity about what is happening, was annoying to me. Everybody was annoying. It's like I want to say one thing to them, but they receive it the other way, rude or polite. I hated it. I was always compared by my mother with my own friends and cousins, which even sometimes made me jealous towards them. You know what? I am not good with words. I always have trouble expressing my opinion and feelings, which used to turn into anger towards my parents. Maybe that's why I never had true friends after all, not even Ritu! ....'
'Ritu, what!'
'It's nothing.'
Bhaskar stared at me for a long time...
'Anyways, then after that?'
'You know what! Father used to tell me that it's okay to do your best. But, even after trying my best when I always failed successively, it frustrated me. However, I have never understood that one argument in my life. During my school days, I used to stay up at night to study often. He asked me when I was going to sleep. I simply said that I had no idea about it, maybe around 2a.m. or a little later. He took it as an insult. How? He was like, "You are not at all growing up like my child." I was too stunned to speak. I asked how it became an insult to you. He said that I was talking as if I were ignoring him. I was totally at a loss. How funny, right?'
'That's kind of childish. It is a neutral answer. And to determine if you are rude, then we have to check in what tone one is speaking.
'Absolutely! That's what was going on in my head. You know what? I suffer from constant anxiety, overthinking, stress, and tension. I was never able to show because of others. There were times when I really wanted to cry but never did, only hiding and trying to escape from it. I often felt like my chest tightened so much that it started to hurt. Everybody used to tell me that I am really someone who cares less about anything, but they knew what was going on with me that time. After telling each and every word when having just a normal conversation, it used to make me think, "I am really telling it correctly, right?" He or she wouldn't be hurt while talking with me, right? I haven't offended someone, right? I always felt tense about my own future career. Everything felt so heavy, as if I was crushed underneath all of them. My relatives turned out to be snakes. They have worsened now. After all of this, the only thing that I can do is cry while sleeping on the pillow at night. I know that it is something very common for almost everyone in their life, but still I am tired of it. But, apart from the issues of relatives, everything is changed now. Each and everything was changed by me after I came back. You know what? Marriage scares me now. I want to live an independent life and want to fight for myself. I want to get strong. I want to be free from all of this. Am I really such a bad person, Bhaskar?'
'Hey! Of course not. You are such a good person.'
(In Bhaskar's mind) 'Came back? Where did she go?'
Telling this, he hugged me and said, 'It's never too late to cry.'
I cried like a newborn that day. My parents were worrying too about my action.
'What happened, dear?'
'I am sorry... Mumma, Papa' and I fell asleep.
(To be continued)