I had a dream before. It was of me and Harriett standing side by side in our kitchen. Me cooking and her cleaning because she's a clean freak and doesn't really like how messy I get when cooking. She'll scold me and I'll just laugh at her before our kids interrupt us and hug our legs.
But that dream always ended in Harriett smiling at me while blood was covering her whole body. That was the kind of dream I get ever since she had disappeared and that was the kind of dream I woke up to now
Sweat and tears were pooling from my face as I stared at Harriett still sleeping right beside me. I let my tears fall as I scooted next to her pulling her into a hug. She was warm, and I am thankful for that.
I didn't even realize that I fell asleep but the dim light from my window was an indication that night had fallen.
"Pierce?"
I hummed when I felt Harriett snuggle closer to my chest as I tightened my hug. I waited for her to say something but her silence was all there ever was.
"Can I ask?"
I carefully muttered as I placed my chin atop of her head. Another silence before her quiet voice answered.
"I was taking the paintings here when it happened. It felt surreal. I was happy staring at them, then suddenly I felt angry and sad. I hadn't meant to cut myself but I did mean to shred the paintings."
She slowly told me but all I could ask was…
"Even that painting of me?"
Her whole form went rigid as if realizing that I had seen that painting of me.
"Harriett"
I called, my voice ever so careful not to stir her. Ever so careful of her feelings and emotions.
"Am I a manifestation of your pain?"
I couldn't look at her so instead I stared right ahead. I didn't want to know what kind of expression she was making right now. I didn't want to see the pain etched in it all over again.
"No"
She muttered silently. Her answer should have made me feel relieved but I only became more anxious as she continued.
"But you were the reminder of what life could have been if I had made a different choice"
At that my gaze finally went to her only to find her brown eyes staring right back at me. My features were confused but she only shook her head at me before saying.
"Yours was a different kind of pain. One that I chose for myself."
I couldn't understand. Her words weren't coherent. Like a jumbled puzzle piece that she had placed in a hurry and I can't seem to put them together. What choice? Was she referring to back when she chose Josiah over me?
"I painted that when I felt like my whole life had taken a turn for the worse because it was always you who pulled me up and planted my feet firmly on the ground"
She gave me a small smile before lifting her bandaged wrist. She stared at it for a while as I continued to stare at her. Harriett's words were a mixed signal for me. They were a line from a poem that I can never really get. She stared back at me before she finally said.
"I want to visit another psychiatrist. I want to resume therapy and medication. Will you come with me?"
And that was our first step. My fog-filled mind felt like clearing up as I felt my chest burst. Because Harriett was taking the step herself, without a need for coaxing. She was willing to try to get out the monsters in her head. And I can't be the one to put them back on it. Whatever she said. Whatever I mean to her I can always ask when she's finally better.
But this. Her. She needs to come first. The uncertainty and anxiety I kept on feeling can come later. I will always put Harriett first now.
Because the last time I didn't, her life had taken a turn for the worse.
I nodded as I placed a kiss on her cheeks.
"I'll go wherever you go Harriett"
I tapped my fingers in the steering wheel as I read Harriett's second book Redemption. I was in the parking lot of a psychiatric clinic that Harriett went to, Haven Clinic. I told her I'll wait for her here as she gets her initial consultation. But all of that talk was just so I can read her books. I can't stand another day without knowing about what happened in her past.
I gripped the steering wheel as my eyes read further in the book. It was about Josiah. A continuation of her life and how Love became a twisted part of her.
How love made Harriett feel ugly and foreign in her own skin. How love stole her happiness and peace. How that asshole molded her into something far from who she really was.
Harriett became a lifeless doll who was forced to believe that Josiah's love was the kind of love she had deserved.
Because Harriett had lived a reckless life before Josiah. Because she dated and slept around with men, toyed with their hearts and left like a ghost on a late evening.
It didn't matter what her reason was for recklessly destroying her life. All he saw was how broken and maimed Harriett was. Then he decided that Harriett deserves the kind of love where she can never say no to him.
The kind of love where she doesn't have her own freedom. A love that cages and erases Harriett as a person. A love that created all the monsters that were destroying Harriett inside out.
I felt my tears fall as the book ends with a line from the female character.
I wish he was here. I miss him so much. If he was here everything would feel alright because he never lets anything harm me. He protects, cares and loves me.
Because his love wasn't this kind of love.
And for the first time I finally admitted to myself. For the very first time I finally understand why everything went wrong. Why this love had been suffocating from the very start.
I was going against all odds and chasing a love that was never mine to begin with.
I had made a grave mistake.
And it's too late now to correct it.
I closed the book as my head rested on the steering wheel. My tears continuously fall as I take in everything Harriett had gone through.
All it takes is one man to destroy whatever she had built for herself. Her confidence, her spark, her peace, her happiness and her concept of love. While Leonel had built that for her, all it took was Josiah for it to come crumbling down.
I wiped my tears off and hid the book before my hand hovered around the manuscript, Salvation. Somehow the title felt like a call for help and that just makes my heart ache more.
Because I know that Harriett never voiced it out loud but in her own way, just how many times had she cried out for help.
I let out a sigh and fixed myself up when I saw Harriett's silhouette by the clinic's front door. I can't let her see something as pathetic as this so as much as I can, I tried to fix my appearance.
I got out of the car a minute later and walked to meet Harriett halfway the parking lot. I smiled as I reached her to which she gave me a sheepish smile.
"I guess it's not good news?"
She shook her head but managed to give me a smile, a warm one where I know she wasn't forcing herself to give it to me.
"It's a relapse of what I had before, and I was advised to seriously continue therapy and medication"
I let out a small smile before I wrapped my arms around Harriett's shoulders pulling her towards the car.
"Well, atleast there's a way and don't worry I'm not going anywhere"
I reassure her which makes her let out a sigh. I guess she's been thinking hard about it too. Probably her anxiety about me leaving grabbing her underneath again.
"You're really not going anywhere?"
She asked as I opened the car door trapping her between the car and me. I smiled as I stared at her, my own lips curving into a wide smile as my gaze instinctively went down to stare at her own lips. Like always, my memory plays that first and last time that we kissed.
As if mesmerized my eyes drifted towards Harriett's staring right back at my lips.
"I have nowhere to go and besides… "
My words barely audible as my mouth drifts closer to Harriett's ear.
"You better worry about yourself because I'm never going to let you go"