"So, is Qian going to be fine?"
Annika asked as she leaned over my table. She's been adamant to know ever since I clocked in. She must've heard from Harriett that she had sought out another therapist but never gave any details. And that is why she's been bugging me ever since.
I stopped typing on my keyboard and stared directly at Annika.
"Therapy, consultation and medication. Just the same old story. The therapist said she'll be fine. Now let me work"
I scowled, a clear indication that I was too busy to have this kind of conversation with her. Which is the truth. I don't want to spend another extra hour at work. Not when I have Harriett waiting for me back at home.
And I am not gonna lie, it feels amazing just knowing that Harriett is waiting for me inside of my home. Somehow, all it took was Harriett staying there for me to be able to call it a home rather than a house.
"Wow you really fell deep"
I raised an eyebrow at Annika but she just snickered at me before tapping my shoulder.
"If my friend cries because of you again, I'm gonna rip your throat open so be careful"
She said seriously as she walked away leaving me gawking at her. If I make Harriett cry, again? The only time I remember that I made Harriett cry was 9 years ago. Was there another event where I was the source of Harriett's tears?
All day I can't help but juggle my memory for any signs of me hurting Harriett but I could only name a few. But when I opened the manuscript in my car after work, I finally realized what Annika had meant.
(I was 10 when I first met him, all dolled up like he's some kind of prince charming and maybe he was. Not until I saw him flashing his middle finger in front of the boys in our class. He was hilarious in that way.)
(He had been my accomplice in killing my brother's spiders and he never really stopped me or judged me.)
(When the monster came for me he was there, he saw, she made him watch, and that scarred him for life.)
(He watched me stumble, fall, and lose my way but he was also there to help me up and support me.
He watched me find myself and realize what love really means. He was there when I cursed love for taking the only one who mattered to me. He was there when I tried to recklessly destroy myself.
He loved me.
Until I wasted it and chose the wrong path.
Until I didn't choose him.)
Tears stained my eyes as I tried to run through the pages. Because this manuscript was us. It was about me and Harriett.
(Now, It's been four years since I've lost contact with him.
I've lost him and I can never get him back again. I, will never get him back. )
(I stared at the painting of him, still as handsome as ever but I'll never tell him that. Might get into his head. I smiled as I traced down the line of his face. )
(Back then, I regretted not choosing him. I've always wondered how my life would be if I had chosen him. But this is me being a hypocrite.
I realized how much he meant when another man made me feel so worthless. I realized I can't live without him and that I should've chosen him, all because another man broke my heart.
He doesn't deserve someone like me. He's too good for me. That's why I won't try to contact him anymore. He deserves someone better than me. )
The stifled cries became sobs as I read through the next chapters. The passages from each chapter ready to rip my soul out of my body.
(I went and knelt in front of his mom and brothers, asking for forgiveness. His mom cried, she let out every last bit of anger until she hugged me. Until she asked for forgiveness and told me to return her son to her once again. And I realized then, that he had cut off every last bit of contact with her all because of me. That sealed everything for me. I was never going to be enough for him.
Just like how I'm never going to be enough for my mom. So I left. Slowly, I tried to make sense of life but it was never enough. I didn't have anything in life worth living for. )
(So I tried to leave until someone came and gave me a purpose.
"Give me your life's worth" He said. So I wrote one, about my first love, about the struggle to identify what was love and what was not. )
(Then came the second, of how love turned me into an ugly being unworthy of being loved. )
(But the third? I didn't know what to write. Didn't know what else in my life needed its own story.
Until Love, Rosie played on the screen. And suddenly it became my favorite movie. Suddenly all of the feelings made sense.
I was in love with him.
I already have the love that I needed without the need to chase. And I had let that love go.)
"Harriett"
I cried out as I crumpled the last remaining pages of the manuscript. My chest constricted as if a hand was squeezing every ounce of it. I never knew a story like this could hurt me but it does. Because, it's not just a story, it's our story.
A story written from Harriett's point of view. All of the things I never knew she felt tattooed into the pages of her novel. Every emotion and thought transcripted into paper like it's an extension of her very own soul.
And her ending?
I froze when I read the last chapter she had written.
(It was heaven sent to have met him again. I felt complete, and everything felt like they were falling into their rightful place. I am happy to meet him again.
But, I can't be the one to hurt him again.
That's why this love of mine will forever be buried deep in my heart. He will never know because I will never tell him. I will never hurt him again.
That is my oath.
As I take one last breath and one final step towards death)
Last breath. "A few days ago, Harriett told me that she wanted to scrap off her original manuscript and write a new one which is this one right here." That's what Dylan said.
The first ending that Harriett had written for her last book was her dying. It was her taking away her life without even telling me how she had felt for me all this time.
Without me knowing that all along I didn't need to make her fall for me because she already did. And she realized that, the moment I left her.
It took me a whole minute staring outside my car before I took the courage to drive back home. Back to Harriett.
There were no thoughts running through my head just that I need to see her right now. I need to hug her, to hold her, to be with her. Because I can't let this go. Not anymore.
I ran, the moment my feet hit the parking lot I ran to my apartment. And when I finally saw her standing beside the kitchen island all I could do was stand frozen in place.
"Kael? What's wrong?"
Before I can even contemplate on what to say words came out of my mouth like water rushing, breaking open a dam and I have no control over it.
"You're reckless… "
Her brows furrowed as I started, as I walked towards her, one foot after the other, faster and faster.
"What?"
"You're stubborn, a hard-head, you're slow and insensitive…
As my tone rose, I saw her step back again and again like she was matching the steps I was taking towards her. But there was nowhere to step anymore. Her back had reached the kitchen counter and I was right in front of her.
"What are you doing?"
A nervous voice escaped through her lips but all I could do was trace it. Trace the curves of her lips as another tear left my eye. Worry filled her eyes but I opened my mouth.
"You're too trusting, you wear your heart on your sleeves, you're selfless, always choosing other people before yourself… and yet… "
I stifled as I held her cheeks and placed my forehead on hers, tapping it like how we always do before.
"And yet you're still everything I ever wanted. You're still the one I love"
I smiled as I locked eyes with her. As I stared at those beautiful orbs of hers, I finally muttered the words I had been too afraid to tell her.
"I read everything you wrote, including the last one"
Harriett's eyes widened as her grip on my forearm tightened, a clear sign of her panic. But I only smiled at her.
"Use your voice Harriett . What you feel for me, don't just enclose them in the books you write. Don't let them float in ink on paper forever. I'm right here, so tell me. Please"
I whispered the last words as if it's a silent prayer I wish to be fulfilled. Seconds, minutes passed before Harriett's hands moved from my forearm to my face. Before she held my cheeks as she closed her eyes.
Tears slowly fell from her closed eyelids and it broke something in my chest again. Because what she had uttered was a different confession that I had wanted.
"I don't deserve you Kael. In fact I will never be deserving of you"
"Harriett, don't"
She shook her head as if doing so can contradict what was running through her mind. But I held my ground.
"I've been in love with you for years, It's always been you. Even when we were apart it was still you I am in love with. It doesn't matter if you deserve me or not because I am never going to love another woman besides you. I will never marry if it's not you waiting at the altar. I will never have a future without you in it"
"I'll hurt you Kael"
"No, you won–"
"YES I WILL!"
I flinched, not because of what she had said but because of how she had shouted it. Full of pain, panic and anger.
"I need you to understand, I will always hurt you. The way I am now, I'll always make you cry. It'll always feel like your heart was being ripped out of your chest because I'm a mess. Everything in me is a mess Kael"
She opened up her eyes and looked at me. At that I really felt like my heart was being ripped out. Because she was determined, at what? I don't know. But something in it was different.
"I know I don't deserve you, I've memorized that over and over again. It became my life's mantra, the first thought I had every waking moment of my life."
I caressed her cheeks and wiped the tears that were continuously flowing from her eyes. She let out a soft sigh before she rested her cheek in my hand.
"And yet, I still want you."
That made me gape at her, and at the very first genuine smile she gave as she said,
"You're right, I am in love with you…"
"But?"
I contemplated as I felt the foreboding sense of anxiety rising up in me, because when she said she loves me, she wasn't done with just that.
"But you deserve to be loved right. You deserve the best things in life and right now? I'm the only mess in it"
I shook my head at her words but the light tap of her forehead on mine stopped from any rebuttal that was rising in my throat.
Because she wasn't a mess in my life. She was the one that made it perfect so why is she calling herself that?
"I'm a mess. You need to accept that because that's what I am right now. I am a bundle of messy colors threatening to turn black"
"Harriett…"
"I won't ask you to leave me"
I stopped talking and stared at her, eyes gleaming with amusement.
"I don't ever want to be apart from you again. I can't do that again but I can't be with you either. Because as I am right now, I will only hurt you over and over again. And I don't want that. So please, give me time."
"How much time Harriett?"
I asked, too scared to even ask because what if she asks for a year or a month? I don't even think I can go on a day without her anymore.
But Harriett only smiled, lips half an inch away from mine and I could kiss her right now. Damn I do want to kiss her. Because Harriett's heart was mine to hold. Regardless of what she wanted to do, her love was mine.
Because she loves me.
"Just until the third book is published"