He has probably already heard about it. So why isn't he asking me about it?
"Clarisa, are you alright? You have been staring at your plate for a while now" was he watching me, why?
"Why aren't you asking about it?" He stared at me silently
"I trust your judgment, if you decided to kick them out then that was the right decision to make" I don't get this man, these are people who betrayed him but he protected them yet he says this so calmly without an ounce of emotion.
"Do you hate me now?" I was too scared to meet his eyes, i'm terrified he will look at me with those eyes, those all too familiar eyes.
"Clarisa, you are my wife, I will always take your side. I can never hate you for exercising your authority as the duchess. " now I get it. His calm voice, his eyes that look straight at me but feel distant. 'Indifference' that is what it is, he just sincerely doesn't care. I know it should be a good thing that he doesn't care for them but why do I feel so hurt.
"Thank you, that is very reassuring" I may have said that but I don't feel good.
"Clarisa can I touch your face for a minute?" My face but why so suddenly. I nod for him to proceed. He lifts his left hand and caresses my cheeks. My heart starts to flutter, as my face flushes, why is he suddenly doing this? Does he know the effect this has on me? My heart feels like it's about to explode.
"I am your husband, I will always be on your side. So you can rely on me, I will always be a source of strength for you." I know he is saying all this as part of his obligations as my husband but his hand on my face, my beating heart, and his eyes that look straight at me, they all make me feel strange in a good way. I want to trust him, I want to rely on him but I know it will only lead to destruction.
"Thank you my love, i'm glad to have you beside me" he tucks a loose hair strand behind my ear and resumes his meal.
What is this man doing? Is he trying to seduce me? Is that it ? Because it's working perfectly. I'm sure my face is as red as a tomato right now.
"Your grace, here are letters addressed to you. From count dumont, prince callus, lady sarah and lady dumont. " as the duchess i receive allot of letters daily so having someone look sort through them and deliver only the important ones was a huge relief to me.
"Thank you steven, you can burn the ones from the count and the prince. I will take the other 2" i have nothing to say to either of them. I can understand the letter from the count but prince callus and I have no more business with each other, so I dont need to show any courtesy to him.
"Your grace, one of the knights was asking for an audience with you. His name is sir cavill rubien, he is the captain of the 2nd order."
"Did he say why he needed to meet with me"
" no your grace but im guessing he probably wants to introduce himself to the new mistress of the house"
"Hmmmmm..... fine I'll meet with him. Please ask one of the maids to prepare some tea for the guest in the drawing room."
"Yes your grace"
it's was a look i was very familiar with, sitting across me his red eyes stared me down with so much contempt. He was someone I had never met before, but just like everyone from my past I could see that he hated me. 'clarisa dumont' its an identitythat will always weigh me down. He wasn't here to talk, he is probably here to put me in my place but I refuse to be pushed around.
"Sir cavill was it, i haven't seen you around the castle" he doesn't have a weapon on him but I cannot let my guard down. Andrew is right outside if I need help but I'm sure I would be able to subdue him using magic if I need to.
"I was away on a mission, your grace. I heard you were very frail but i can see that isnt true." his voice was cold and distant.
"Sir cavill, say what you came here for i don't have all day for this" he flinched as if caught off guard by my remark. since he came here looking down on me I don't see a reason to get familiar with him.
"I know you have high standards your grace, but I am sure I have done nothing to offend you so far" he must think i am stupid.
"Since you have nothing else to say, now that you have introduced yourself, you can leave " he looked shock, was he expecting me to treat him with respect.
"I knew you were a fake, every one in the castle is so smitten by your act that they have forgotten how much betrayal hurts"
"Get to the point sir cavill, my love is waiting for me, so I would rather be with him right now than here with you" he scoffed
"Its funny 'my love' huh, you must think his grace cares about you, dont delude yourself my lady. The only reason he even lets you stand anywhere close to him is because you are the duchess. You aren't special to him, you are someone that can be replaced by any other person and he would still treat them the exact same way" i wanted to argue, I wanted to kick him out but I knew his words were true. I wasn't special to theodore, the only thing he feels for me is a sense of duty and that makes me feel even worse.
"Thank you for your words but they were very unnecessary as I am well aware of all that" i thought i wouldn't meet someone who had no control over their emotions like ivy but I guess i was wrong. He has let everyday emotion show like a child throwing a tantrum.
"You may be the lady of the house but you don't have the authority to dictate who comes in or goes out of the castle. You may think your actions are helping but you are just being a nuisance and getting in the way. If you think you can get away with trying to hurt his grace, you are mistaken"
"I see, well fortunately for you i am not looking for your approval. My love trusts me and thats all i need. Don't worry, as the knight commander will be hearing of your very unnecessary advice and an appropriate punishment will be given to you for disrespecting me, the duchess. I heard that the knights of runan are the most honorable people i would ever meet, its a shame to have you as one of them. Since you have nothing more to say, I will take my leave first" i clenched my hands, I may have talked big but hearing it from someone else just throws me right back to reality. I'm nothing special, its all just an obligation.
It's getting tiring to get ready in my bed chambers and then move to theodores room. Should I just ask him if I should move into his room?
Knoc knock,
"My love" i opened the door but he wasn't at his desk.
"Clarisa" his voice called out as he looked over to me from the couch.
He was sitting on the couch, why is he there? Does he not want me here anymore? Is it because of what I did today? I knew i shouldn't have crossed the line. Why did i do that.
"Clarisa" i snapped back to reality, he was standing in front of me now, when did he get so close? Is he going to kick me out? I dont want to go? I was going to ask him to move into his room, I'm scared.
"I called out to you several times but you didn't reply, do you feel sick. Let's sit down first" he took my hands, led me to the couch, sat me down and sat next to me
"I'm sorry i grabbed your hand, it just seemed like you were having some trouble. Should I request for a physician? Are you in pain?" I was scared, i know he isn't saying any of this out of worry. Replace me with any other woman and he would do the exact same thing, because it is his duty as a husband to care for his wife.
"Why do you apologize, i am your wife you can grab me whenever you want." i know I'm being childish picking a fight but what am I supposed to do. I'm replaceable to my husband and it hurts to know.
"Clarisa, I'm going to pat your back okay. Breath slowly" i didn't realize that my breathing was erratic, he was patting my back so softly as his calm voice brought me comfort.
"You are my wife so that is why I want to respect you. I want to treat you right, I want you to be happy, i want to protect your smile. I know im not a very expressive person and I don't have allot of experience so I may be clumsy but still I want to make you happy. I want to fill the world you live in with beautiful colors." his words were soothing but it was the look in his eyes and his hands on my back to reassured me.
"I am scared you will hate me. I'm scared that I will do something that makes you look at me coldly." i grabbed on to his shirt clenching hard, as if holding on to my last line of defense.
"Clarisa, i can never hate you" it was the look in his eyes, its was different. His once indifferent tone was soothing and comforting. I dont know if it's because i wanted it to be but it made me lose my rationality.
"Then just for a moment, before I lose my senses... please..... please hold me" it was a soft whisper, like a cry for help. I felt him wrap his arms around me as he pulled me into a hug. I didnt want to admit it, I didn't want to acknowledge it but i can't hide it any longer. I have fallen for theodore and it scares me.
"How far will I have to go before I have gone too far with you?"
"You have nothing to worry about, so go as far as you want" he grabs my hand and press his lips on the back of it. I know it's supposed to be some kind of protective gesture, but my heart didn't know that. He kissed my hand. His lips were on my hand. My heart was going to explode.
"Lets head to bed clarisa" he held my hand and led me to his bed.
"Can I hold you in bed too?" He is always asking for permission. Although I said he didn't need to but he still does and it makes my heart flutter. I want to believe he care enough about me and thats why he does.
"Yes, your can my love" i thought he wanted to hold my hand, i didn't know he meant cuddle all night. He was warm and best of all it felt safe. Like I could rely on him, like I could lose all my senses and his touch would bring me back.
"Are you uncomfortable?"
"No, It's fine my love" i may be fine, but i think my heart might not make it past tonight.
"Good night clarisa" i felt his lips against my forehead. I don't think i will be getting any sleep tonight.