I'm getting used to this now, at first my heart couldn't take it but spending the evening with him just sitting on the couch in his room while he looks over some papers has become one of my favorite time of the day.
Look at him just sitting there so naturally like it was a spot made just for him.
"Do i have something on me?"
"No my love, you just seemed to fit naturally on the couch beside me. I couldn't help but stare" his lips twitch slightly. It was so fast that had i blinked I would have missed it. Was that a smile? I must be mistaken.
"Should we head to bed, you look tired." He is always looking at me with those eyes.
"Okay my love"
I'm used to this now, him holding me while we lay down. I've gotten used to it now.
"Clarisa did you not want to have a big wedding?"
"Not really my love. Marriage was just a means to leave the counts estate to me. So I dont mind either way"
"Why do you always say you are fine? If you need something you can always ask for it. I don't mind you being a bit greedy" he stroked my back.
He is always like this, at first i thought i was just mistaken with his actions but i'm geniunely confused now. He keeps saying these things that makes me think he cares for me and makes me want to keep loving him.
"Maybe there was a time I dreamt of a fairytale wedding but that was so long ago" it was in my first life. I lost hope far too early in this life to dream of any fairytale.
"I'm sorry i should have asked you sooner, if you want we can have a huge wedding like the one you had dreamt of long ago"
"It's fine, even without the ceremony it wouldn't change the fact that I am your wife" thats right, its fine I never had any expectations for a big wedding anyway
"Clarisa, you are biting your lips again" he parted my lips with his thumb.
"You always do that when you are holding back. I told you before, with me you don't need to hold back, so go as far as you want. Since you don't want a ceremony, how about a banquet. My parents will be coming back in less than a week. We could host a banquet that day to welcome them and also celebrate us."
He still had his finger on my lips and it was making my head spin. I could feel my face burning as they stained red with embarrassment.
"That sounds lovely, thank you" i know he is showing consideration but it's still embarrassing to know he was watching me so closely.
"Clarisa, can I kiss you" his eyes were locked on mine.
"You don't have to always ask my love, go ahead" I'm so used to him kissing my forehead now but I felt it before I realized what he had asked. His lips against mine, it was soft and short but I wasn't expecting it. My mind went numb as my face went red. His thumb went over my lower lip again, as his lips found mine again. This time it was wet,hot and i couldn't breathe but I didn't mind. His lips were hot against mine and my brain was in a blur. It feels good, it feels really good. But then he pulled away.
I was trying so hard to catch my breath. I wonder if he was having a hard time just like me
"Good night clarisa" he pulled me even closer.
I could still feel his lips on mine. How could he do something so hot and then just go to sleep. Should I get angry? Look at him, beautifulmasterpiece. We should do more than kiss. Ahhhh now i'm annoyed, how do you just go to sleep after a kiss that hot.
I ball my fist and punch him on his stomach
"Clarisa?" His voice sounded worried, but that's what you get for leaving me dry. I punch him again.
"Your grace" she flinched
"Sorry steven what did you say" her grace seems to be very distracted today
"I brought you letters your grace, from prince callus and lord Clark. Also miss ivy sent a letter requesting entry to the castle"
"Thank you, ill have the one from Clark, you can burn the one from the prince. What reason did miss ivy give for her request "
"She wrote that she would like to see a friend"
"Deny her request as unfortunately I don't remember her having any friends within the castle"
"Yes your grace, i will leave you to rest now"
"Hohohohoho"
"You seem to be in a good mood steven"
"Well it's rare to see his grace so happy and her grace so distracted. I can smell that something good is about to happen"
"You act even more nosy than the young maids somtimes steven "
"Well maria at my age not allot of things tend to amuse me"
************
"Welcome son"
"Father I had allot of work left at the magic tower why did you send for me?" I hate coming here.
"You insolent brat, i heard you are in contact with that useless thing. I have been sending her letters and she refuses to send a reply."
"Father her name is clarisa and I don't see why you want to send her a message. If that is all you need I'll be taking my leave first"
"How dare you disobey me? I made you, without me you are nothing you brat" he was screaming and throwing things around
"You will regret it Clark, why are you protecting her. She ruined your life, if she hadn't been born you would have lived...."
"Father have a good night" i cut him off stormed out and slammed his office door. He was still screaming but the kid who used to cower at his every word is dead now.
I should go see mother while I'm here.
"Mother" she turned towards me smiling.
"Clark, how was your lesson today?" She hugged me gently.
"When did you get so big Clark, can a 10 year old child be this tall? Who did you get it from ?" She smiled as she touched my face affectionately. Mother's illness seems to be progressing rapidly.
"Mother, im not 10 years old, i'm 28 years old now, its work at the magic tower and I'm an 8th circle mage. You were so happy the day I graduated from the magic tower." She looked at me confused like I was saying things she didn't understand.
"No Clark what are you saying. You must be a little confused. Come sit have some hot chocolate with me. I know you love it, stacy bring some hot chocolate for clark"
"Mother i no....."
"Young master, i'm sorry but i think it would be better if you played along. Her ladyship seems to be having a rough time today than usual" I know the maid was saying the right thing but it still made me angry. The physician said it was a sickness in her head. It had no name and it has no cure. No one knows what causes. She turned around once again.
"Arno when did you get here, I'm so glad you are here. Clark was just here a minute ago, stacy bring some tea for the count and where did Clark go?" Mother it's me Clark. I turned around as I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, It's so difficult to watch her like this.
'Dear clarisa, i was very happy to get a letter from you. I am glad you have been doing really good in runan. I have been getting regular updates about you from the letters you sent to Arabella. As for the information you asked about. Yes the teachings from baroness sally croft were all created by father as she was his lover. She did all he asked of her. I thought you already knew about that which is why you spent all your time in the palace library. Look..."
No it can't be true, no.... no.... no ....no ....no....
I refuse to believe this. She and the count were lovers and everything I learnt was from the count. Everything!everything! i was manipulated and I just let it happen.
Because I spent so long in the library everyone thought I was learning the truth but I spent all that time learning magic. Not once did I try to learn about the world.
Why? why? Why? Why am I so stupid? How long do I need to keep regretting my life? I knew the count was rotten so why did i trust lady Sally.
That's right I have always been, I've always been a fool, i'm such a fool. Another 18 years spent foolishly while being manipulated.
"Clarisa, clarisa look at me. " theodore, i can't breathe. I was manipulated for 18 years i thought I was in control of my life. He hugged me as i sobbed in his arms
"Clarisa, clarisa. Its okay, take your time. You can cry as much as you need. I'll be here right beside you " i couldn't hear him, my head was spinning. I was used, manipulated. I thought i was smart, I thought I was in charge. But he had control of everything. My whole life was a lie, this was why I could never run away. I let myself get manipulated. What did I spend the last 18 years doing? All I did was whine and whine. Did I ever try to help myself? I feel sick, I feel so sick.
"Theodore.hic.. theodore"
"I'm here for you clarisa, you don't need to say anything. I'm here so dont hold back." why did i let him screw my life over, how could a father do so much damage to his child. My life was going so well, yet he found a way to screw me over and I just let him. I couldn't stop sobbing. I am so angry, so angry at myself for getting played.
"I'm so pathetic, I'm so pathetic. I'm so stupid. My life has no meaning" I couldn't stop it. The tears wouldn't stop.
"You arent pathetic clarisa and your life has meaning. You means allot to me, no matter what happened in the past, you can just keep looking forward to the future" future? What's the point having a future when I'll just let myself get used again.
"Theo... hic..... what should I do? Whats should I do? I'm in pain, I'm not fine..... I'm not fine" I couldn't hear him but i knew he was saying something as he held me stoking my back softly.
I don't know when I started talking but before I knew it I was telling him everything. About the counts abuse, how i was engaged to the prince and how he hurt me, how the countess just watched me get abuse, how Clark was also abused and he has tried to help me since when I was 12 years old.
I told him how I started learning magic. How I used it as an escape. How I ignored the whole world around me hoping that I would run away leaving it all behind. About how I just found out that the count manipulated every information that lady sally taught me.
Lastly I told him why it happened
"I am a fake theodore" I couldn't stop shaking, I was feeling dehydrated after crying for so long, my throat hurt allot but I knew if I didn't say it now I would regret it
"My real mother was a maid who the count loved. She died giving birth to me and thats why he hates me. I'm the murderer that stole his lover"
Now that everything was out I felt free. Now I realized that all those years i lied to myself.
"I'm not okay... theodore I'm not fine..." he handed me a glass of water and i drank like my life depended on it.