Riku was lying on the ground, still on his knees, while he was standing nearby, pacing around his collapsed body.
He was behaving like a child. When Riku raised his head, he reacted.
" Wow, you're back! How was your trip?"
Why am I remembering that now? What's the point? No...
Riku's eyes felt empty. Riku was alive, but the glow in them was dim, almost nonexistent.
His eyes, with a dark blue hue, lacked that sparkle. Exactly the same sparkle she had.
At that moment, nothing was on his mind. But everything was around him, even if he couldn't see it. Right in front of him, there was everything, there was him.
What was I doing? Yeah, I was back from the convention, and I was going to give my sister the gift, and...
His face turned pale at the vivid, nauseating image. Her pupils shrank as much as they could, trembling at what his eyes saw.
He brought his hands to his mouth and thought about her to calm himself. But all he could see was that black liquid staining her completely.
" Blegh!"
As soon as he realized what had happened, an immense pressure invaded his body, and he could contain himself no longer.
Riku began to hyperventilate, while grabbing his chest, as if he wanted to tear it off.
That image repeated itself over and over again in his mind. The image of the person he had seen that same night, the one he was still in.
"If I asked you whether you loved her or not, what would you say?" he said, in a playful, mischievous tone.
What does he want now? I don't have to answer, no, I won't. I hate him. I want him dead. I hate that shitty look in his eyes. Seeing those blue eyes makes me want to rip them out. Isn't the answer obvious?
" Yes, it is."
...?
" It's crystal clear. You care about her a lot, right? But you won't be able to see her again. Well, at least you have me, right?"
Riku could feel his blood boiling again. He was getting angry at the person in front of him. He couldn't accept anything that was happening. He wanted to leave everything as it was. But one comment brought him down to earth.
"You've abandoned her," he said, his tone more serious and disappointed, as he stared straight into Riku's eyes.
"Fuck, don't you learn from your mistakes, do you? No, not at all. That's why you keep making them again and again, you don't get anything out of what you've experienced."
"Why do you think it ended up like this?"
" Don't leave me alone." Those words echoed inside me. My sister said them. They were my sister's. I couldn't do anything. No, I just haven't done a damn thing!
"It's pathetic that you claim you want to help her when you've just been screwing her up the whole time. Your very existence has been a constant pain to her. Just imagine. Your younger brother, the supposedly shy one, makes friends before you do. He brings them home from time to time, and they talk to you. Not content with that, when he gets depressed, he seeks you out, so you can comfort him, like you did that day. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about what you contribute. Shouldn't this be some kind of oppression?"
Whenever I tried to help her, I just ended up crying on her shoulder, without really doing anything. It's like I'm spitting in her face, rubbing it in her face that I do have friends.
"Yes, you are right, you are correct, it is true.
"Certainly!! You're the only one who could help her, and you're the first one who abandoned her and took advantage of her kindness. Whenever you went after her, it was for your own good. You never thought about who was behind that sister. It was always 'my sister,' but it was never Amaya."
He was angry, talking to Riku without any kind of filter. He was telling him what he thought was the truth, what he had really done.
Riku stayed on his knees, accepting what he said, whether he was right or not.
Wanting to do something and actually doing it are completely different things. Dreaming but then doing nothing is lazy, greedy. If you don't fight to achieve that dream, you're nothing. Why didn't I get up? I did nothing but laugh at her face. That's why she's almost never cried in front of me...
Riku's eyes went blank the instant he realized his mistake, completely ignoring the person standing near him, but listening to every word he said.
A single mistake. A mistake so grave that I could never make up for it. Loneliness. Forcing solitude on someone.
I could have been with her. I could have forced her to go out, to get used to being with everyone. But I always had to leave her alone. I had to let her choose.
I never supported her in making the right decision. She almost always chose the safest option, alone. When she didn't, it was when she was out with us.
She had fun, but she never got used to it. She was an outsider. She wasn't part of it. So this was always the riskier option: trying to fit in.
It's difficult, especially if it's somewhere you don't think you should be. Will it be the same in your new class? And in your old one?
We could have gone out every day together. Go to the countryside and look at the starry sky together. We could have done silly things together. She would never have had to worry about not being herself.
I-I should have helped her, I should have supported her. But I left her alone. I...
In the midst of his crisis, he approached Riku and stood behind him, crouching down in the process.
" Tell me, Riku, what do you see in front of you? Nothing, right?"
…Yeah, nothing. I don't see anything.
" Exactly, there is nothing because you see nothing. No one's going to wait for you there."
Yes, there is nothing.
" But what if there was a star? Do you like stars, Riku?"
He was crouching down, staring at Riku's back. Riku, on his knees, was staring at the horizon of that white world, and as soon as the word "Star" was mentioned, everything went black.
Various white dots gradually appeared. And, as if someone had turned on a light, they began to glow.
"There are tens of billions of stars in space. Don't you find it amazing how each one of them is completely different and unique? Each one has its own name. There are so many that I'm sad I can't learn them all… But, little by little, constellation by constellation, I will make friends with them all!" Her voice sounded calm, even kind.
Yes, and they are all beautiful.
"Isn't it? They come in different colors, each with its own history and age. Yes, age. Stars aren't eternal. One day, their brilliance will fade from this world, and no one will remember them. But their death will surely provide a beautiful spectacle. A final dazzling glow, followed by a terrifying, yet beautiful, explosion. And, little by little, all that energy they had will fade." Her voice began to soften.
For everything he told, the world, always tinged with white, showed exactly what he dictated.
In that black abyss, full of white dots, stars, rather, one stood out, much larger than the rest.
This, in the blink of an eye, converged into a magnificent explosion of colors.
Each color was a part of the star, which became unrecognizable. Slowly, its energy faded, and everything became a field full of stars again.
Yes, it is sad.
" Maybe. But the sad thing isn't the spectacle. The sad thing is that it's gone. You won't see it again. You won't see its brilliance, you won't see its light, nor its colors. But, did you know that stars go in different ways?" His voice gradually sounded more familiar. "
Yes? They do?"
"Yes. There are infinite ways a star bids us farewell. If I wanted to tell you all of them, it would take me an infinite number of years to tell you." I could feel him hugging me…
" But, of all those forms, there is one that scares me a lot, and that I don't like at all, at all."
Yes? And what is it?
Riku grabbed a hand from the arms wrapped around his neck. It was thin and delicate, but above all, soft and clean.
This calm and warmth was interrupted by pressure on his chest, followed by an unpleasant phrase.
"The most tragic and terrifying way a star can die…"
-It's because of the weight of his own life.
What?
A white place.
Everything faded, and I returned to that place. I stood up from the ground, searching for the person who had been next to me a second ago.
I looked around for someone, but couldn't find anyone. He must be here, I thought. When I looked behind me again, I could see something.
There was someone in front of me. A girl-
"Amaya!"
I lunged at her as fast as I could, but I couldn't at first. I couldn't move, I could only listen. Once again, I was doomed to do nothing. I wanted to tell her everything, but I couldn't say anything. I could only cry. Cry. Cry.
"… Sorry, Riku, but I have to go." She sounded hurt, but tried to cover it up with a positive attitude.
" I know you won't like it, that it's going to hurt. I don't know if you'll even be able to forget me, but I want you to, okay? I don't hate you. I didn't do it for you. I just felt like I wasn't going to get anywhere with what I was doing. I was scared, so scared. When you came to talk to me, when I was lying in bed, sad, and I asked you, I almost cried a whole ocean of tears. But I couldn't. I didn't want you to see me like this, I didn't want you to worry... so, I'm sorry... for being so selfish. "
No, please…
" But I want you to be happy. No, be happy. You're going to be happy, because I know you will be. I... I couldn't go on. Every day, I did fewer things, and the ones that distracted me no longer entertained me. The only thing that stood out from everything I had was you, but I knew that one day I would fall behind, and that I would distance myself from you… "
Don't leave me…
At that moment, I noticed Amaya slowly moving away from me, and I felt a presence emerging behind me.
"So before I go, I just want to tell you one last thing."
Hands began to slide down my face, their goal being to cover my eyes.
They were bathed in a warm, viscous liquid, which was staining my entire face.
That liquid also began to sink me, starting from my knees.
While that was happening, Amaya was about to disappear from my sight. She was about to leave.
Before I did, before I lost my sight and succumbed to nothingness, I heard a voice, screaming its last words. A voice soaked in blood.
"I L)v$ /o("
I drowned, with those hands covering my face. My body began to get colder and colder, until something spoke to me, inside that disgusting liquid.
"I will never forgive you."
I lost consciousness, not knowing what would happen to me from now on, not knowing anything.
I was lost, sitting in front of the door of my house.