When I arrived at the room, the door was open. There was a doctor standing in the doorway, who asked for my father. I told him where he was, and he went to find him.
They let me into the room. The stench inside made my body squirm with every step I took. There were two doctors in the room, both frustrated. Even though they had their masks on, their eyes spoke volumes. Especially if they stared at me.
When they saw that I was inside the room, they both quickly apologized formally, to which I didn't respond, I just asked one thing.
"Can I see it?"
They asked me if I really wanted to do it, if I was sure, since she was covered by a tarp. I said yes.
" What are you looking for with this?"
I approached the stretcher. I went at a calm pace, since, for some reason, I was calm. I thought I'd feel fear in a situation like this, but that wasn't the case. I had no emotion inside me at that moment.
I raised my hand, held it on the sheet, grabbed an edge, and slowly lifted it until I saw what was underneath.
For a moment, I couldn't see anything; there was no one under the sheet. Only when I blinked did I see her.
She was lying in bed, breathing gently. The doctors told me everything went well.
I wanted to talk to her. To tell her everything I had inside me. I felt like I could shake her shoulder lightly, and she'd wake up. Her face was more alive than ever.
I moved my hand toward her, lightly touching her cheek. Then, I stroked her hair. I know she doesn't want to admit it, but she really likes it.
Well, that's a lie. When I was little, I used to ask my mom to do it all the time, sometimes she even asked me to.
I turned around as soon as I stopped petting her. The atmosphere calmed down a lot, and everything became gentler. The light was pleasing to the eyes, and there was nothing that made me deaf.
" Relief? Safety? Affection?"
As I left the room, my father spoke to me.
"In 69 minutes, you'll be discharged. Let's go home and be happy, son!" my father said, delighted with the outcome.
I don't regret coming here, or seeing her, because I know she's just asleep.
I'll see her again tomorrow when she wakes up. Even if I'm going home, I know everything will be okay.
This Saturday, I'll show her the figure I bought, ask her opinion on how the cosplay looked, and what she thinks about it.
I'll tell her what I've done, and the people I've met. I'll tell her how I was up there on that stage, singing with &$%"!. Then I'll play with her, I'll talk to her, and when she trusts me more, I'll have her tell me what's happening to her, how she feels. I'll comfort her while she cries her eyes out, feeling her tears fall onto my chest.
'You only get hurt more'
Then, in the afternoon, I'll go with her into the city. We'll see a thousand and one interesting places and things, and do a lot of fun things. And, while we're out, we'll have dinner somewhere we see. It could be a ramen stand, a restaurant, a fast-food restaurant, anywhere. Of course, I'd pay, although I'm sure she wouldn't let me, using the excuse that she's the oldest and that she has to do that kind of thing.
On the train ride home, we would both fall asleep halfway through the journey, or at least I would fall asleep with my head on her shoulder, and she would fall asleep with her head on mine.
By the time we got home, we'd be tired and exhausted, so we'd go straight to bed. She'd be reluctant to sleep with me, mostly out of embarrassment, but she'd eventually agree. I'd cuddle her at night, stroke her head, while she'd beat me up for doing so.
" You confuse yourself without knowing it."
On Sundays, I'd have breakfast with her and my dad, the three of us having a conversation about anything: the news, a TV show, even video games, or life in general.
In the morning, I'd let her have some personal space, especially since she'd tell me herself I looked like a moth attracted to light. She'd probably babble things like, "I'm so pretty, and the only person I'm attracted to is the idiot in front of me," and call me disgusting and a freak.
After a while of fooling around, I'd leave her alone and go to my room to do whatever.
We'd eat together, the three of us, and have a leisurely lunch. Afterward, I'd help clear the table, and for once, I'd help my sister get ahead on some household chores, whether it was doing laundry, cleaning the living room, or taking out the trash. And when I got tired of doing that, I'd take a shower.
In the afternoon, I'd go out with all my friends. I'd also ask my sister if she wanted to go out with us.
" Are you even going to see her again?"
At first, I'd decline the offer. I know her well enough to know she's just embarrassed to just agree, so I'd ask her again, and then again, and again, and maybe she'd say yes, she'd go out for a while. I already know she'll be out all afternoon, but, well, let her think what she wants.
" Are you planning on going to his funeral?"
It'll be fun to go out together. We'd do whatever we wanted, walk around like we were lost, or talk about whatever topic came up. About what we've been doing, what we've been thinking, or things we want to do. Just talking is enough for me.
We'd all end up exhausted after talking, laughing, and running around like animals. I'd be happy. Yes, I'd be happy, because I wouldn't have had time to think at all.
Whenever I think, out of nowhere, about something that used to be happy, it's bittersweet. I'm happy, but I never feel what it's like to be happy, or understand what it's like to be happy. How can one truly be happy?
" You can't be happy being here."
When I'm in the moment, I laugh at everything, and I never feel sad. When I think about the moment, I only laugh at the things that make me laugh, and the slightest bit of distraction in my head, everything turns dark. Can you be happy knowing you're happy? Is being happy something unconscious? When I cry, I don't think about anything else but crying. Is being happy the same thing?
" Dreaming is not free."
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, I was crying.
What about? I don't know. I don't remember.
What happened today? I'm tired.
Did I forget anything? I should go to sleep.
Isn't this your room? I'm sleepy…
Why am I not in my room? Good night…
"Good night, and don't leave me, if you stop being with me, I don't know what I'll do."
Yes, I won't leave you alone. I feel your warmth, your smell, your heartbeat, everything. I want to feel it all. That's why I won't leave you, ever again.
Amaya… AmÇ+a… ^[Ç+a… ^[Ç+?…
Riku managed to fall asleep after a long sleep. He didn't think about anything the whole night. He didn't want to in the first place.