"Hi. I know a lot of people are going to read this—well, not many, but if I actually get around to using this, and you're reading it, thank you.
"Today is July 10, 20**, if you're reading this from where I think you're reading it, you'll know who I am, but if anyone has passed this on to you, let me explain.
"I am ^[Ç+?, and I am dead. At least, that's how it should be. If not, please don't tell anyone, I beg you. This is written in all the documents; the only part starts now."
July 10…
The date left me speechless. It was written over two months ago. Just from that, I felt as if a thick layer of darkness was slowly consuming me, the light from the screen the only thing saving me from being completely devoured.
"This is an apology. I'm aware of many things in doing what I've done, in case I do it, and I shouldn't be so formal in writing this, but it's something I simply can't avoid.
"I don't know what I really want to write here either. I've had the idea of doing this for a while, but it never felt like it was a viable option. It just seems like the only option I have.
"I didn't do it out of choice; it's no one's fault; I'm the only one to blame. It's a decision I've thought about over and over again. And I repeat, I'm aware of what this entails.
"Why did I do it? Well, that's something even I don't know right now. As a general statement, I'd say out of sheer desperation or acceptance. Oh, and I'm going to say it right here, anyone has the right to read this, although I'd appreciate it if you respected the privacy of the rest of the texts…"
"Well, let's get to the reason you're reading this. Whoever you are, even if you're a Mom, I love you. Right now, I don't even see myself doing it. I just want to have this saved in case I ever have a crisis and… It doesn't matter."
"You have the right to hate me for this. Thinking about something like this scares me, how capable I am of even considering these things.
"Now it's my turn to explain the purpose of this text. Since it's not directed at anyone in particular, I'll simply use this as a way to vent in my daily life, in case I ever end up resorting to that, to keep a record of everything I've done, so people understand why I've done it, and also, to show everyone who I really am.
"I won't say what I think now, as I'll probably comment on it one day or another. I'm not going to add anything else to this. From now on, this document is my diary. You can skip it if you don't want to. I'm not going to say anything important."
"If I had to say how I've been feeling about doing this, I'd say cornered and desperate. Well, that's all for now. If you're not going to read any more, thank you so much for everything, and I'm sorry for not appreciating it enough."
"PS: I won't be writing here every day, so there will be some breaks from time to time, at least I hope so…"
I didn'tfeel as agitated as I expected.
Even if you've written all this... The document is quite long. But I'm going to read it all. I don't care how irrelevant it is, I don't care how unpleasant it is, I don't care how guilty I feel, I...
I brought a hand to my chest, gripping my pajama top tightly, and took a moment to breathe deeply. Even with my leg shaking, and with a certain amount of discomfort, fear, and uncertainty, I continued reading.
"August 11, 20**. How embarrassing to use this… On top of that, I came here to erase everything. And why do I speak as if this were my head? Who cares? Maybe I like to write like this. No, I want to write like this. I'm not going to worry about not including inappropriate things, otherwise this wouldn't be worth anything to me. Well, it's decided. Screw everything, I'm going to start writing, and see if that way I can distract myself, or tire myself out, so I can go to sleep sooner."
"Well, today I went out with Riku to go shopping at the mall. It took me a long time to convince him to come with me, but I think I should stop using the excuse of being lonely. It seems to really upset him."
"He might feel obligated at first, but the moment we're dating, he's all about having fun. I don't know how he does it. Plus, he's a good judge of whether I want to try on new clothes, as he can tell me I look hot without either of us taking it seriously."
"The only bad thing about all this is the trip back. I've never gone out to do that kind of thing with anyone other than a family member."
" I don't know why everyone in class has to be so retarded. There isn't a single decent person there, and the rest of the classes scare me. Leave it, I'm giving up. This is so boring. I can't do it. I'm going to sleep. Bye."
"August 12, 20**. Hello! I have nothing else to do, again. I don't want to write anymore; I'm so lazy. Then I know I'm distracted, especially remembering what I've done, but I don't want to do this. I'm going to do it no matter how much I complain. How pathetic."
"I've been at the library all afternoon. It's not that I've been bored. I've made a lot of progress in what I was reading, and I've been able to disconnect for the most part. I'll be honest with myself and say why I come here instead of reading at home. The book is purchased, and the library is a bit far from home, but I go there because I want people to talk to me."
"Yes, it's the worst place to do it, but, I don't know, a girl or a boy could come up to me and ask me about the book, and from there we could start talking more and more and become friends. This may be clear, but I'm really bad at talking to people; sometimes I'm even embarrassed to talk to Dad. I'm always embarrassed to talk to my brother right away, but when I do, I quickly relax."
" Well, as always, no one has spoken to me today. It's true that a few people have looked at me, but no one has approached me. In fact, no one has sat at the table I was at… It's just a coincidence, right? Anyway, today hasn't been a bad day. I just hope I can sleep well. I can never get up properly, it's like a curse. My fingers hurt, and I haven't written much. It doesn't matter. I'm leaving. See you later!"
"Today is August 13, 2020. I'm warning you that from now on I'm going to eat up the year. I'm tired of writing it. Today I haven't done anything.
" I didn't feel like doing anything, but it's all been really boring. Even what I did get to do wasn't as fun as usual. Why do I have to screw myself up like this just because I don't know what to do? Am I not capable of deciding how to spend my fucking time? I curse my fucking mother. Why do I have to be this boring? Am I so lame that I bore myself or something? Maybe that's why you're alone, you fucking asshole. Who would be interested in this bitch? You don't want the normal kind of attention, even if you don't have any friends. Fuck off. I'm not going to talk here anymore. Bye."
I didn't even understand what this was. No, I understood what it was, but not why.
Is she writing it here to document it? Or else, why would she do something like that? Besides, more than a diary, it seems like she's talking to herself.
I read for several days in a row, which were anecdotes of what had happened during the day, until there was a first jump, from the 18th to the 20th.