Moblie buzzing.
I ignore Zaid's incoming call. Of course I'm mad at him, but at the same time it's not that I'm angry with him, it's just.. he opened a scar, a wound that took me years to mend.
I'm still at my restaurant, it's been closed for the day, a headache day but every second is worth it. I like having to handle and manage these passionate headaches. I like being bamboozled. For the first time I feel like I belong somewhere, and it's here, right here. I sigh in, discovering this place with my eyes. I love it here, whenever I'm here in the kitchen, it's like a peaceful ocean sound which makes me want to float around. I chose sea view for a reason, from the windows you can see the sea but it's very lightly visible.
It's midnight and I'm still not sure if I should leave or not- I like being on my own.
I walk to the main gate to rotate the open sign to closed, as I do that, I turn to grab my purse when I hear knocking on the window. It's Zaid, standing outside. A strike of sudden anxiety pull my eyebrows down, and my pulse rate get high.
Why is he here now. Should I let him in? Ugh, he's my friend of course I should. It's cold outside.
I unlock the door, he enters in.
"I'm starving" He rubs his hands, covered in gloves. He's wearing white pants with a black leather jacket.
"Come" I lead him to my kitchen. I keep my voice nonchalant.
"You're still mad at me, ain't that right?" He anxiously keeps tapping his finger on the counter of the kitchen table.
I'm not actually mad, it's just- now I'm scared of what more his anger could do to me if I were to get close to him-
"We were platonic soulmates Zaid" I don't tilt my head up to him. I don't usually title my friendships but he really was.
"Why platonic." His voice breaks.
"Because that's what we always were." I sigh deeply. "When, why uhm where—how did that romentic feeling took place?" I ask,
It ruined everything.
He replies with nothing, just bows his head down. I want to comfort him, he's—been good to me for so long, more than Sam has ever been involved with me. He's been there for me more than my brother, I can't leave him. But then again I can't force my feelings either. Whenever Sam comes around I feel like my lungs are gasping, and I'm short on breath, heavy on legs and dizzy all the time. I like him, so very dearly much. I can't change that, even if I do start something with Zaid, the heart always wants what it wants.
"I get it—you.. you hate Sam but I told you I like him since the day we met, you can't say what I'm doing is supposedly wrong or uhm or.. or like as if I'm doing it on purpose to hurt you or anything." I kinda raised my voice because it shivered and echoed all around us, The shallow panic breaths are appearing again, I can feel them brusting in and out of my chest.
"Ayat you're the only person who understands me.. for me and loves me for better and for worse." He sighs.
"That doesn't make it easier when you madly push me to the ground." I yell.
"I made a mistake, you're right, we're not a fit for a couple, please forgive me." He walks around the table to grab my hands.
"I forgave you the minute I saw you standing outside." I whisper.
"So we good?" His eyes roved between mine. I smack my lips and smile afterwards. Yes I'm easy like that, so what?
"You tell me." I chuckle.
"Oh Ayat I love you." He hugs me tightly.
"Me too." I can't say those words to him, not after everything that happend.
"Here, here's some leftover soup and bread, would you like some?" Without making it obvious, I slighly push him back, to hand him his food.
"Yeah I'd love that." He takes a seat.
We ate, talked. Laughed a bit.
Hours went by, and it's time for him to go, it's almost midnight.
"Let me show you to the door, it's getting pretty late." I say.
"Yeah"
We walk outside, as we stand in my frontyard, the fairylights I decorated on the tree, touched our faces, making his face glow.
"Goodnight then." I say, looking down at my feet.
"Ayat." He whispers.
I blink in confusion.
"Please don't mind me doing this" Time paused after he said that—he leaned in and kissed my cheek, I flinched a little.
What was that? His thumb touched my lip, more like wiping something off. His thumb stayed on my bottom lip, and he parts my bottom lip. My heart skipped a beat, why am I not stopping him from going further. It's not like I'm in a commitment, I'm single as a pringle, he can kiss me. I shouldn't feel guilty. Sam doesn't even like me back. He rejected me, twice. I can kiss him back, its not wrong. It's not mind-boggling.
His pupils go thinner and he bends down to match my height. His other hand cups my cheek and I allow him to kiss me. As soon as our lips were about to touch.
We both get distracted when we hear foot stepping, coming at us. I turn my head to take a look,
And my lungs shrink tight.
Sam's standing still, covered in dust, looking like a constructor worker. His pupils grew surprised, his hair messy and boots muddy. Shivers ran down my entire body.
Oh Gosh.
-SAM-
Who. The. Fuck. Is. That?
A GUY?
Raging anxious shivers go down my spine, making my hands clench into a fist, and all I can think of is, how my fist would look if I paste it against his cheekbone. I unconsciously rotate my emrold ring around. He kissed her—
He's touching her—
It's like the whole ground left my feet, shocked up in the air and I'm hanging above fire. What is this wrath I'm feeling? I've never felt this way before. I'm here after my breakdown back in town, but this stings more than breaking walls down.
Why am I sweating? I feel uncomfortable in my own body? In my skin? should I let her talk to him? I randomly walked in here, to her, after breaking every piece of my childhood.
I don't want to talk about my baba any longer, he caused enough pain for a night. Then, What is it that led me here? What am I here to do?
Tell her that you like her.
Before it's too late.
Romenticly?
I'm not in my complete senses.
I'm aggressive, impulsive, not in the right mind.
There's a cop on the loose onto us- some arch nemesis of mine is after me, planning who knows what, I still haven't figured out happend to my parents, Ifan basically hates me now, the only friend I ever made isn't even talking to me and I just found out Faisal knew my father all along, not only that but my father was a bullshit man, I destroyed my house- and on top of that- I can not believe my eyes- did I just saw a guy kiss Ayat- right infront of me? and here I am standing still, watching my heart burn- I'm the one who didn't want to start anything- I'm the one who said I'm not interested romenticly. I shouldn't be feeling such wickedness-
how am I suppose to start a new relationship when I can't put my past ones to an end.
I'm incapable of love.
"Sam?" Ayat squints her eyes. She said she liked me.
She said she liked me..
Priorities can change. more specifically- for someone. Because for the first time- all that I've come across- my fight for my parents has more meaning to it. For the first time- envy, anger, and rage isn't all my heart is feeling.
I walk up to them, as casual as I can.
"Who's that." I put my arm around her shoulder, she nervously laughs and pushes my hand away. "What are you doing here Sam?" She asks me.
"What is he doing here." I point at that guy.
"He's here for coffee" She said, crossing her arms. I release a sigh.
"Look brother if you want coffee, order from a distance" I try to walk in between them but Ayat shoves me aside.
"I'm sorry he's being unnecessaryly rude" She's embarrassed, she kindly excuses him.
"I'm being rude? He's the one standing this close to you." I mockingly measure the distance between her and him. Because fine, I get it, I'm a jealous piece of shit.
"Don't mind him Zaid. I don't know from where some people gather such audacity."
Zaid?
"Don't get on my last nerve." She bites back her annoyance as she whispers to me.
"I'm her friend" Zaid takes a steps closer to her.
"Oh sure you are buddy" I roll my eyes.
"You're the same Sam who works for my father, correct me if I'm wrong?"
"Your father?" I raise a brow.
Do not, and when I say don't I really mean—Don't fucking tell me he's Mr Faisal's kid.
The one Mr Faisal always feels sad for. He always upsets Mr Faisal.
"Yes, Faisal"
You've got to be kidding me.
"Yeah I do." I keep my cool.
"I was just telling Ayat about how much he adores you."
"What did you tell her." My heart skipped a beat. He's doing that on purpose to see my reaction, we never told Ayat about what we do for her own good, our work isn't something many people appreciate, we've kept it away from her for all these years, she'd be devastated if she finds out, it'll take her years to recover her trust again.
"You're a smart guy, I'm sure you know what I said." He says, staring at me. He wouldn't tell her.
"Yeah I figured you're not so stupid yourself either." I say. Because if he blows our cover, his mask also revels.
"What are you on about Sam? Why do you care about what he tells me?" She turned to me.
"I care because you made me care" My eyes stay fixed on her.
"Since when did you two get that close." Zaid calls us out.
"We've always been that way." I lie.
"What even are we?" She looks at me.
"You two are supposed to be something, didn't you say he rejected you?" Zaid raised his brow, crossing his arms.
"You told him that?" I say in disgust.
"I mean- you know, it's complicated Zaid" She turns to him, awkwardly.
"First of all, I didn't reject her, If I remember correctly, I said I wasn't ready. she's beyond out of my league." I say.
Ayat turns her head to me in a suddan moment, her eyes widened.
"Is it complicated with me too?" Zaid points to himself. Ayat replies to Zaid, but her gaze stayed on me, and I kept staring at her.
She's a muse.
"like I said you're a great guy—" She breaks our extreme eye contact and tries to explain but Zaid cuts her mid sentence.
"Feelings can change ay" Zaid says, and my jaw clenches. Deep down Zaid knows Ayat's whole attention is on me.
"Don't deluge yourself, hers won't." I nonchalantly say, even though I'm not sure if she likes me anymore- but this urge of rage inside of me when I see his face is making me want to put him down to his place.
"She's capable of usin her own words, I think." Zaid loosens his shoulders.
"She's also capable of choosing who she has feelings for." I stare deep in Zaid's eyes to make him feel threatened.
"When did I got the choice?" She coughs, coming in between of us to push us away from each other as we nearly hit each other.
"I don't have the energy for this ay, I'm sorry." He lowers his head and walked away, Ayat goes after him but he had already left.
Did I cross the line?
"Do you like him?" I ask, my voice bearly came out.
"Where were you? You're covered in dirt?" She brushes dust off of my shoulder. Her touch sent goosebumps down my arm. She ignored my question.
A huge thunder startles both of us, dark clouds swept in, like a curtain of steel.
"I broke my house." I say. And when I do say that, I don't feel like crying anymore but numbness.
"Why?" She looks at me.
"I wanted to." Another thunder falls across the sky as the drops of rain begin to fall. One droplets catches my eye, making it seem like I'll cry. She's standing still, infront of me. "Sam.." She smacks her lips. "You can't just reject me one day and show up all jealous like you have any right over me the other day." She says, avoiding eye contact.
The scattered rain droplets within seconds intensified, coming down in thick, heavy sheets. "Come on inside" I try to grab her hand but she forces it away.
"Why are you here?" She says, the rain became heavy and it's voice drowned out all other noise. "What did you came here to tell me?" She raises her voice to be audioble. Her shirt soaks and sticks to her body, making every crave visible. Her hair dripping water.
"You've been gone for weeks and once in a blue moon you show up here, at midnight for what?" She's mad. She should be. "If I'm correct, you've been avoiding me? I called you, like several times, you didn't answer any." She's disgusted. Her words are tangled, she's bearing it all alone. A thousand things I want to say to her, but I don't know if I should. I came all the way here to meet with her, to put the awkwardness aside, but now that I've seen her with her friend I feel like I'm invading. I'm coming inbetween of a begining that can be beautiful. She should start her life with someone who has time for her, not with someone who's too busy murdering. But hearing all those things about my Father, made me see clearer of who I want to become, and that prespective of certain someone of who I want to become is not cruel but healthy, and she's the only person who sees good in me.
"You're right, I'm sorry." I say. I was stupid to let her go. Ever since that day at the arcade, I was wrong for thinking I didn't like her. Seeing her today with him distorted my blood, I thought I wouldn't be able to keep her away from what goes in my life—but since our childhood she's been one of my taken oaths. I won't ever hesitate to protect her, I will do it till my last breath, till I can no longer, even if I get myself to grave. I will not let a single whiff of air hurt her. All these mixed feelings and one me, how am I suppose to digest everything on my own. I've never opened up to anyone, I don't know how to tell her that. Everything is just so complicated.
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I think I made your friend mad."
"Thats all youre sorry for?" Her lips curl up in disgust.
"What did he say to you?" I ask. She doesn't reply quickly.
"What is it that you're so afraid of pouring on me?" She raises her voice a bit more. How can she tell I'm afraid she'll get hurt?
"It's—" I shouldn't involve her in it—I'm afraid whoever is after me will hurt you if I get close to you.
"Why would you think I'm afraid of something?" I ask.
"Because there certainly is something that is pulling you away, otherwise if you really didn't like me back, you wouldn't have gotten so worked up when I kissed Zaid." Her deep sigh is more deeper than how much she is letting out.
"So. Tell me." Her voice grow desperate.
"I can't Ayat. you're asking too much from me."
Ifan made me promise never to get her into this mess. But I think I can live up to her expectations if I'm just able to keep all the dark down in the mansion and not bring it here. But how will I convince Ifan that I can protect her.
"Sam this conversation is one sided, why am I the only one speaking? It's hurting me."
"I know, I know—I'm so sorry."
"What am I suppose to do with your apology?"
"Keep it." I say desperately. I came here with so much courage in me but all that strength is drowning within the rain drainage.
"Okay." She exhales.
I keep looking at her hoping she hears my thoughts. I wish I never stopped climbing through your window, I wish I never stopped loving you, but the idea of love changed when we grew and I grew scared of ever loving someone.
"Say something." I say. Please.
"I don't know what to say." She rubs her arm, nervously.
I'm so nervous, dammit.
"Say anything, bad or good." I've weakened.
"How can I be sure you're telling me the truth when you say you don't like me?" She asks.
I say nothing.
"If what, what you're so afraid of, finds me some how-"
"I'd kill myself before that could ever happen." I immediately answer.
"You're quick when it comes to that but you're not quicker when I ask you if you like me?!" Her voice raised in an unhealthy amount.
"What do you want to hear me say? Do you want me to lie to you? My reply only flues her anger which I can't deny, is valid.
"Why did you guys left me alone!" She shouts over the din of the rain, water dripping from her hair and face. The rain is drumming against the pavement and making it hard to hear.
"What? When?" Our clothes are soaked, and It's getting cold, we're both shivering.
"Here, in the city!" She's talking about her university.
"You're kidding, right? We had to, for you to become the strong individual you are today." I say in confusion.
"Why didn't you ask me if that was what I really wanted?! What if I wanted you guys to stay, or take me with you!"
I never realised she felt this way.
"I had no idea?"
"How would you? you weren't the one all alone, you didn't care! I was the one lonely every single day." Her eyes get teary.
"I did, I've been caring since the day I stepped foot inside that house!" I say, my hand clenches.
"Why did you stop climbing up my room?" She still remembers that, too.
"To keep you safe!"
"You could've told me!"
"Like it or not, I did that to keep you safe!"
Our voice raised in argument. The rain pounds against the pavement, creating a deafening sound that matched the intensity of our conversation.
"And I knew If I tell you, you'd find ways to get in contact with me, and I knew, you doing that would leave a mark on your body." I yell. I sound way too alike to Mr Faisal.
"I was ready to shed tears!" She cries.
"It was my choice! And I was ready!" She shouts.
"I wasn't!" I shout back. "I wasn't brave enough to watch you cry when he'd—" I silent myself. Tears fall down our faces. "When he'd raise his hand on you." I bite back my voice, whispering.
"Why didn't you ask me what I wanted?" She's talking over me, gesturing wildly. The rain swirls around us creating a misty veil that seem to fuel her anger.
"What do you want? Say what you want, I'll do that, tell me who you want, I'll stay away If that someone is not me. Tell me who you want me to be, I'll become that. But you need to understand that, all this I can do but as a friend, and nothing more." I'm speaking too much, somone shut me down please. I can't speak words that I won't be able to keep. It's called breaking someone's trust and I'd hate to be the person to break Ayat's trust. We're both drenched from head to toe.
"I can't stay friends with you when my heart turns divine whenever I look at you." Tears fell down her chin as she inhales a deep breath in.
"Feelings are tricky" I say, stiffening. Before Ayat could say anything, my phone buzzes— incoming call from Ifan. I don't answer it, Ayat sees me decline it.
Damnnit! Guilt is making my lungs feel heavior.
"You're double minded because of Ifan?" She whispers.
"It's not just that—" I inhale a sharp breath in.
"What is it that you're so afraid of?" She yells.
Okay fine, fucking hell, I'll tell her.
"I'm trying to find who murdered my parents!" I yell.
"What?!" Her face strike a shocking wisp.
"I have burden of sea on my shoulders, kneeling me down each day. I'll never be able to forgive myself If I ever became the person who'd pour his ash of burden on you." I say, genuinely. "So, here you have it. Your answer for why I don't want you near me." I force myself to be harsh to her for her to see how I'm a unraveled person.
"Loving you is painful enough don't make me regret saying all of this." Her words gave me a dull throb straight to my head.
"How will I face Ifan if he gets to know about your feelings?"
"Well that's my choice, not yours, neither Ifans."
"Do you really want to be with someone who's after a psychopath?"
Everything's so fucking complicated, I can't put it into words
"I'm willing to burn with you even after dying, even in hell!"
"But I don't want that for you." I say. These words are aching all over me.
"Who are you to decide that for me?"
I know how dangerous the idea of us can get- it can cost me her, The whole world is clinging onto me, and If she would touch me- she'd risk the future she worked so hard for- I want to say it all to her face but it's complicating enough for us already.
I'm a contagious disease, I sick everyone who come close to me.
"Your life can't be that torturing to ruin me?" She yells.
"You're not listening to me Ayat! mine is." I get dominated.
"Who do you think you are?" Her soft gaze turns into terror. "Some kind of hero or a villain in a story? Who are you? Huh?"
"I'm sorry?" I ask.
"One day you're scared? The other day you're jealous? And all along those days you think to yourself that you don't want to be with me? What is it!? Choose already!" She's yelling.
"I can't lose you!" That's all I say, how will she understand without context.
"And I don't want you anymore." She says, staring at me.
Oh-
I know, I while sheltering her would become ash. I don't mind doing that If only I was guaranteed my unresolved issues would leave her alone after turning me into thin air. So she was right, maybe it is all double standard diplomacy.
I can see that terrible rotting of disappointment on her face.
"On the second thought Sam. you're absolutely right." She's being sarcastic.
"What?" I blink.
"If you think I'm incapable of being with someone like you, I don't want to get involved with you either. I don't want anything to do with you. You're too much." Her voice turned void.
"You're doing yourself a favour." I straight my posture. I'm a coward when it comes to love I guess.
"Because you're nothing but pain, to yourself and others." Her voice stiff.
Ouch
Got me right where it hurts.
I am pain. why am I even shocked? that's what I was insisting on. But a hint of what she was saying felt like maybe I could be loveable, too.
I'll have to agree to keep my dignity.
She takes a step closer.
"That's good, I don't want you near me." my heart feels shaken as I lean inwards. As If we didn't just went through that conversation a minute ago. We're frozen in complications. The only sound remains is pounding of the rain.
"Yeah" my voice barely came out as a whisper, she tilts her head up to me.
"I don't ever want you near me either." Her eyes roving between my mine, I lean in close to her face. "Repeat that again?" My voice stays oddly low. I'm smoldering, my gaze on her lips, such soft, pretty lips she has.
"I don't want you near me—"
Fuck the consequences.
Before she could complete, a suddan urge that I might never be able to do this hits me and I intensely pull her closer, as I grab her neck and kissed her, not the soft kind. She gasps for air, we kiss for a hot second, deep and slow, intense as I carried her up to me grabbing her lower body to pull her up, she crosses her legs around my waist, my hand grips her hair tighter, and her hands clenches my shirt.
"Wait-" I pull my mouth back, her lips parted. "What?" She gasps. I look deep in her eyes.
"Nothing" I whisper.
For once I'm chosing a decision for myself. Not for my parents, not for Ifan, not for Mr Faisal but for me. I chose to kiss her, for us. For once I'm doing something that makes me happy. It isn't vengeful, hatred or petrifiedness. It's simple, it's passion, it's hope. I kiss her bottom lip, as if the passion of our argument have turned into desire. Thunders all in the sky.
She throws her arms around my neck and I pull her waist even closer to me, crushing our bodies together. We're lost in the sensation of each other's lips, devouring each other.
Love is forever a cruel desase. it spreads through every ounce of one's body till we become weak and left craving for more. And in this moment, my heart craves for her. Every bit of her. My hands holding her legs around me, to make her stay on me.
And I think it's safe to say, our friendship is officially ruined—
We crash against the wall behind her- I can feel her nails going deeper into my back, when I move my lips down her neck. Her back secures her body against the wall, and I half way unbutton her shirt, moving my mouth down her chest, giving her a love bite so deep to leave a shade. She moans as I press my body against hers. The rain pours down around us.
The rain-soaked air is filled with the sound of our ragged breaths, moaning and the insistent pressure of our kisses.
A car honks, and a stroke of light hits from behind as if a car had parked.
What just happend? Ayat and I made out, almost to close to having sex? All the doubt I had, faded.
And I think it's safe to admit that I like her, more than friends. Which is terrifying to begin with. Our Ayat? The mean girl from my childhood is wrapped around me and I was devouring her taste. Goddammit. Life really does take unpredictable change of events.
"That might be your brother sweetheart" I smack my lips.
We're both penting- I'm sweating. We're soaked in rain, Hard for each other. Her whole body is visible, her bar straps, her chest, her breast—I shake my head to unnotice where my focus was diverting.
"Put me down, I'll talk to him." She stands on her feet. "No wait-" I pull her wrist to stop her. "Not now-" I say.
"I won't."
"You look beautiful by the way." I grin. With her lipstick smudged, her hair messy- and the cause being me- I can watch her like this everyday around me.
"Unless or until we're sure if this is what we truly want- I won't say a thing to Ifan." She says. She was always smart.
Did I got her into danger just by that particular action- A single touch of her lips and I'm not afraid to start a relationship with her anymore. I'm not afraid to protect her from who's after me- what I'm afraid of is- Not having a single clue on who actually is after me. But I think I can keep the dark down the drain and her up to me, safe and sound. I think I can manage that.
For her, I should try.
For us, I must try.