Back at his place, he showered and heated up some chicken. Pointless! He had completely lost his appetite. He was just playing with his food.
Ye-Jun knew he had to sleep early. He went to watch some TV, to cool off. If he was lucky, he would watch something completely boring and fall asleep right there, on the couch.
He surfed many options but nothing really clicked. But then he got a glimpse of the most despised title he could think of; 'Flick of joy.'
What was all the fuss about that movie? His closest associates, even Chloe, were all praising his nemesis.
How much did he hate that guy!
He couldn't carry a tune, and was always depending on him and Sang-Jun. Yet, he failed the group at the worst possible moment.
And now he was positioned as a top actor. "Top my ass..." Ye-Jun said.
He knew he was a two-faced bastard. His acting skills were just innate. Born with the talent to tell good lies.
It was a terrible evening. What better way to close the day than watching a film with Kang Dal.
He selected play.
"OK, shithead, let's see what you can do. Great… I have to watch your ugly face for two whole hours and ten freaking minutes," he said out loud when he saw the length of the film.
The film indeed lasted that long. It was around ten o'clock when it started. Now it was a quarter past midnight.
He watched it all, non-stop, and didn't even skip the closing credits. He was still looking at that screen unable to understand what had happened.
There on that dark sofa, illuminated only by the dim light of the screen, he realised why he was crying.
What the fuck?
For a very very long time in the future he would always accuse himself of watching that movie on that particular day. Any other day, and he would have never shed a tear - he was certain.
The prick was good. But soon he completely forgot who was playing. Ye-Jun had watched two brilliant actors performing and himself dissolved in the most intense feeling of desperation.
The story was simple. No unnecessary drama, no scheme. Just a guy who is emotionally unavailable. He doesn't care for romance, he is focused on his work - an interior designer.
He reminded him of someone.
He meets a client - a girl planning to get married, designing her future home. She is a rich girl marrying a rich boy, but in an arranged marriage. She's about to be trapped in a cage, so why not make her cage golden.
A cage. Ye-Jun knew about cages. He was living in one for years.
Draft after draft. Meetings that last longer than they should. A professional distance that slowly stops being professional. No big surprise there - the girl falls in love with the designer. From that moment she starts building a home that deviates from her initial plan. The guy feels the change in the girl's approach. But he is professional, he doesn't let himself go.
If it was so sweet to watch, just imagine how sweet it would be to experience it.
As the work progresses, he sees that they are no longer designing a golden cage; it's rather a home. They grow closer and closer and the guy is looking forward to their meetings. Finally, it's the girl that confesses her feelings.
He rejects her. According to him, that was the right thing to do.
Ye-Jun was at the edge of his seat. 'You fool, don't let her go!' he almost cried out.
Since the design is almost done, they agree to complete the project and then to never meet again. One day, as they are driving to a shop, they have an awful car accident. They are trapped, and during that time the guy gets the courage to be true. He tells her how he really feels.
He had a really bad feeling about where this was heading. He could feel their pain.
While trapped in the wreckage, they talk about how the home would look like. Their home - what they have been designing. However, the girl doesn't make it, and the film ends with the guy losing his mind, speaking to someone who wasn't there, constantly designing a home that would never exist.
It was all too familiar.
Ye-Jun finally admitted to himself what he was missing.
"Yue..."
A whisper in the dark. A name he seldom dared to speak. But, a name he so much adored.
All these years he was missing that feeling. He was missing being in love. He was missing being happy.
Ye-Jun was happy with Yue, but he knew she was gone. Maybe because he messed up big back then, maybe because he put her in danger, maybe because she got afraid and ran away.
He never reached out to her to understand why. He never got closure. He lived all these years with that open wound.
Now, he heard she was engaged; good for her. He always wished her the best - from afar. She was his first girlfriend, in any case - his first, sweet and only girlfriend.
But…
She was a lump in his throat that suffocated him.
He chose a difficult path in his life. Ye-Jun felt he was like both the leads: unavailable and trapped.
Unavailable like that guy. He decided it was the easiest way. He would be focused on work and he wouldn't have to burden another soul with his problems.
Trapped like that girl. He was living a scenario, not a life.
But that movie triggered something that was hibernating within for a very long time.
Will I end up like him? Alone, mad, regretting all the things that slipped through my fingers?
Ye-Jun realised that he didn't want to be unavailable anymore. He didn't want to be alone any longer.
He wanted to find someone who could pull him out of his loneliness and make him feel… something. Not someone to share his burdens—those were his to carry. He just wanted someone to be there. Someone to share his heart.
How would he manage?
Ye-Jun knew that he was pushing everyone at a safe distance. Now he had to let them come closer. What a difficult task…
But he was tortured by the lost opportunities and the stupid decisions that destroyed both leads in the movie.
He had lost so much. It was easy for him to give up things, postpone stuff. How was he living like this? Always punishing himself.
Perhaps he had punished himself enough. He should now find the strength to forgive himself.
Sitting there in the dark, crying uncontrollably and with a million thoughts in his head, he felt that nothing would be the same from that point.
These weren't tears of regret anymore or tears of grief. They were a torrent of emotions that would wash away the past.
He felt scared, but excited at the same time. He was ready to let go.
The alarm on his phone began buzzing. It was five o'clock already. He had fallen asleep on the sofa. His body had not fully rested, but his mind was calm.
He recalled everything that happened the day before. What a day!
He still got that feeling of liberation and was full of a positive, optimistic sentiment. He had many burdens that he would probably carry for a lifetime. But that morning he felt just a bit lighter, as a very heavy load had slipped off his shoulders.
Ye-Jun took a look in the mirror; there was a glimpse of hope in his eyes. He smiled at himself. He hadn't smiled at himself in a very long time.
He remembered his mum.
When he was a kid, she was always telling him to smile in front of the mirror in the morning.
"A smile will brighten your day, and you will carry it around easier! You can brighten someone else's day with that smile! You definitely brighten mine, sweetheart..." he recalled her telling him.
She must have been right.
This day would be a good one.
He needed it to be.