Since arriving in the Naruto world and accepting the mission, Mizuna hadn't slacked off for a second.
He searched the original host's memories but found very little about Madara. This implied that the original Mizuna and Madara had a relationship that was neither good nor bad—mostly because they had barely ever met. This made Mizuna's stakeout plan significantly harder.
"I've been spawn-camping the Konoha main gate for three months, and I still haven't caught Madara! If this keeps up, the villagers are going to report me to the police."
It was true. In the eyes of the villagers, Mizuna had officially achieved the title of "Village Pervert." After all, here was a guy staring intensely at every person passing through the gate, watching them all day with a gaze as thirsty as a predator stalking prey.
Mizuna was suffering. If he actually knew when Madara was leaving, he wouldn't have to camp here like a homeless NPC for ninety days straight.
"System, open the Cash Shop," Mizuna muttered internally, trying to ignore the judgmental stares of the passing villagers.
The shop interface popped up, displaying five items in the daily rotation.
1. [Snapshot of Sister Rain's Drip]
Price: 250 Dignity Points
Effect: Forces the target to hallucinate the person most important to them giving them a pep talk. Think of it as a budget version of Kotoamatsukami. High chance of failure.
Review: (Warning: Do not use on individuals with Iron Will or Gigachad mentalities.)
Reading the warning, Mizuna immediately thought of the internet memes from his past life. Obito has an iron will... terrifying.
He looked at the preview image: a person (man? woman?) wearing a tacky, bright red-and-green floral quilted jacket (the kind grandmothers wear in rural Northeast Asia), shoving a size 12 foot directly into the camera lens.
Mizuna couldn't hold back. "What the hell is this?! What kind of cursed image is this? Is this actually useful? If I use this, I'm a dog!"
He moved to the next item.
2. [Resurrection Coupon]
Price: 1145 Dignity Points
Effect: Do I really need to explain? It's a must-have for home travel and reviving friends and family!
Review: (Price increases with each purchase. Smells a bit... musky.)
Mizuna paused. "Wait, if I revive the Sage of Six Paths, wouldn't I be invincible?"
"Dream on, kid. Revived people have their own free will. They aren't your puppets," the System interrupted his power fantasy.
"Is that so... well, that's still pretty good. Reviving someone without a cost is OP... let's see the next one."
3. [The Village's Best Sword]
Price: 150 Dignity Points
Effect: Absolutely useless. It's just... the best sword in the beginner village.
Review: (Kid, this is the best sword in the village! Using it when you have no idea what's going on might have unexpected results!)
Looking at the sword with the fake ruby embedded in the hilt, Mizuna felt like he'd seen it in a viral video somewhere... but he couldn't place it.
4. [Old Kuai's Calm-Down Juice]
Price: 20 Dignity Points
Effect: Drinking this calms the nerves and suppresses chaotic energy.
Review: (Go touch grass, Old Kuai.)
Mizuna stared at the bottle of what looked like generic yogurt drink. "Seriously? A carbon-based lifeform came up with this?"
5. [Golden Light Mantra]
Price: 1,000,000 Dignity Points
Effect: A top-tier defensive technique from another dimension. Highly practical.
Review: (Cover your body in golden light. Note: The power is strongest if you remain a virgin.)
Mizuna's eyes lit up. "Holy crap! This is the jackpot! If I master the Golden Light Mantra, I could face-tank a Tailed Beast Bomb! Too bad it costs a million..." Mizuna looked at his pitiful balance of 900 Dignity Points with puppy eyes.
"System, your shop is full of trash... I thought I'd at least get a tracking device. The only good thing is the Golden Light, and the rest is just cursed garbage."
"Damn! You have bad RNG and you blame me? Am I your daddy?" The System roasted him immediately.
Mizuna turned beet red. He was absolutely triggered, but he couldn't flame the System back. He knew his place. He had to endure.
---
Evening approached. Under the glow of the setting sun, a handsome man standing 5'10" with long, spiky black hair and a massive war fan strapped to his back walked toward the Konoha gate.
There was no doubt. It was Uchiha Madara.
"Nice!" Mizuna whispered from the bushes, crossing his arms in the 'Wakanda Forever' pose (or perhaps imitating a certain filial son).
Just as Madara was about to step out of the village, a red blur shot out of the shrubbery. Madara had sensed someone camping in the bushes, but since rumors said there was a pervert who liked watching people at the gate, he had ignored it.
"An assassin?" Madara muttered. He reached for his Gunbai fan, ready to unleash an Uchiha Reflection, but the figure didn't aim for his head. The figure dove straight for his crotch.
"Not good!" Madara hadn't expected such a dirty, low-blow attack. He moved to block.
But the figure adjusted mid-air, executed a perfect sliding tackle, and wrapped his arms tightly around Madara's thigh.
Then came a scream that sounded like a pig being slaughtered.
"Big Bro Madara! Please! You absolutely cannot leave! If you leave, Konoha will be like a Discord server without an Admin—leaderless!" Mizuna howled, tearing his vocal cords.
Madara: "?"
"You are Mito's brother? I didn't expect you to try and stop me... Did Hashirama send you? Go back and tell him our ideologies are different. Our paths have diverged. The next time we meet, we will be enemies."
Mizuna looked up at Madara, putting on his best "face of wisdom."
"No! That's not it! Bro, I've actually always worshipped you! You are the Asura of the Ninja World! I've always wanted to be your apprentice!" Mizuna shouted, wiping a mixture of snot and tears directly onto Madara's pants.
Madara listened to these obvious lies. He looked at Uzumaki Mizuna's provocative, clinging posture. His eyes turned ice cold. He looked at Mizuna the way one looks at a corpse.
Suddenly, Madara moved. He grabbed Mizuna by the throat and hoisted him into the air.
Truth be told, Madara had always found Mizuna annoying. Mostly because Mizuna's damn sister had stolen his best friend, Hashirama!
"Brat. Do you think just because you're Hashirama's brother-in-law, I won't kill you? Do you want to dance too?! Brat!" Madara stared death into Mizuna's eyes.
Mizuna was panicking. He finally understood what it meant to be crushed by sheer aura. Madara's gaze was like a lion looking at a mouse; the pressure was suffocating.
In this near-death moment, his brain worked faster than ever. He remembered the items in the shop. That cursed photo was his only chance.
With a thought, he bought the photo. It materialized in his hand. Struggling against the chokehold, he shoved the photo right in front of Madara's face.
"U... USE!" Mizuna wheezed, practically screaming with his last breath.
"IS THE DRIP FRESH, FAM?!"
A voice—feminine but strangely masculine—echoed through the air.
Madara's grip suddenly loosened. He stared in disbelief at the person standing in front of him.
"Hashi... rama?" Madara looked at his best friend with wide eyes. But... something was different.
This Hashirama was wearing a Tacky Northeast Floral Quilted Jacket and matching cotton pants. He was barefoot. He stood there with his arms crossed, posing in front of Madara.
"Why are you here, Hashirama? Did you see your brother-in-law dying and come to save him?" Madara asked, entranced.
"No, Madara! I came for you! I'm sorry about the Hokage situation... I told Tobirama already. When I retire, you will be the Second Hokage! So... Madara! I need you! Please don't leave me!" Hashirama reached out a hand, speaking with deep emotion.
Madara wanted to say something.
Usually, if Hashirama said this, Madara might have scoffed. But today, looking at this strange, floral-clad Hashirama, he felt a mysterious compulsion to believe him.
Mizuna watched from the ground, gasping for air. He knew this was the item's "charm" effect. And yes, he could see the hallucination too. It was like a Shadow Clone that was visible to everyone.
"My eyes!" Mizuna groaned. Watching Hashirama in that outfit was physically painful. "But... I think I survived..."
But then, the unthinkable happened.
The hallucination of Hashirama suddenly lifted his massive, size 12 barefoot leg and pressed the sole of his foot directly onto Madara's face.
In a thick, heavy accent, the hallucination shouted:
"IS THE DRIP IMMACULATE, MADARA?!"
Madara's face went black.
Mizuna's face went white. He knew, with absolute certainty, that he was screwed.
Because in Madara's eyes, the Mangekyou Sharingan had just spun to life.
---