"With these ancient treasures we summon the Divine Hero of the Light."
Swoosh! Poof!
"Yes! Yes! Come out my millions of babies! Let papa see you swim! Ohhh... eh? Eh?"
The summoned Divine Hero looked around with the confused expression of a man whose Wi-Fi disconnected at the exact moment of glory.
"Wh-what? What the hell is this?"
The summoning room went so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The Hero, prophesied to be the most venerable and noble of souls, was standing on the holy altar with his cargo shorts shackled around his ankles like a toddler who failed potty training.
He was presenting his little general to the entire royal court in 4K resolution.
The High Priests suddenly found the floor tiles incredibly fascinating and refused to look up.
Princess Seraphina buried her face in her hands but left a gap between her fingers wide enough to drive a carriage through. She wasn't hiding the view; she was framing the shot.
The King wiped a massive bead of sweat from his forehead and thanked the heavens that the Queen was currently at her weekly Wine and Whine club.
"W-where am I? Who are you people?"
Kaizen was absolutely livid. He had been on the final lap of a legendary three-hour gooning marathon.
He was seconds away from painting his ceiling white. He was about to unleash a torrent that would make Niagara Falls look like a leaky faucet but now it was gone.
The pressure was backed up in his system like a clogged steam pipe and he was ready to explode.
"Man what the hell is going on?! You there! You talk to me!"
He pointed a trembling finger at the nearest hooded figure and aggressively crab-walked toward him. He didn't even bother to pull his pants up.
He just shuffled forward with his legs wide open like a duck with a rash. The movement caused his angry, half-mast carrot to swing back and forth like a metronome from hell.
The hooded figure was a High Priest who had taken a solemn Vow of Stoicism forty years ago.
This was a man who had sworn oaths to the Gods. A man who swore to serve the people.
He had watched kingdoms burn without blinking. He had seen dragons eat orphans without flinching.
A man who swore he would never judge another mortal soul.
But as the Hero's junk swung violently with every angry step, the Priest felt his faith shatter.
'I… I cannot.'
The Priest thought, tears forming in his eyes.
He let out a high-pitched, unmanly shriek of pure disgust.
"KYAAAAH! PUT IT AWAY! IT'S LOOKING AT ME!"
The priest shrieked like a schoolgirl and covered his eyes. He broke his sacred oath in record time because the Hero's ding-dong looked like a dangerous chihuahua trying to bite his nose off.
"Wait! Hero, wait! Before you terrorize the poor priest let me explain everything."
"Huh? Who the hell are you now?"
Kaizen turned his head and instantly wanted to vomit blood. The guy climbing up the altar was the textbook definition of a protagonist.
He had blonde hair that probably smelled like vanilla and blue eyes that sparkled with justice. He was handsome enough to make straight men question their life choices.
Kaizen compared that to his own current state.
He had messy black hair so oily the United States was currently planning a military invasion to seize his scalp. He hadn't showered in a week and his breath could probably melt steel beams.
He felt a sharp pang of jealousy in his shriveled soul.
'This guy... this guy looks like the type who steals the harem without even trying. Tch.'
"My name is Arthur Pendragon. I am also a summoned hero here... but... eh... looking at you there seems to be some confusion happening."
Arthur tried to maintain eye contact. He really tried. But his eyes kept drifting downward to the area where Kaizen was letting the breeze in. He wasn't looking down out of admiration. He was looking down the way someone looks at a car crash.
"Eh? What the hell are you talking about you shiny bastard!"
Kaizen was beyond pissed. His legendary gooning session was officially dead.
He looked down and saw that his little brother had declared bankruptcy. The stock market had crashed. The soldier had retreated into the trench. It was a total disaster.
"You see... these people could only summon two heroes with the resources they have. These heroes are supposed to be elite trained warriors from other worlds. And seeing you... no offense..."
Arthur gestured vaguely at Kaizen's pale unwashed physique and his deflated junk.
"You look less like a warrior and more like a goblin who found a pair of cargo shorts."
'This guy!!!'
But at that moment!
"Two heroes in one spot! It's a buy-one-get-one-free sale on murder! Kill them both!"
Three priests ripped off their robes like they were late for a shift at a budget strip club. Their swords crackled with nasty purple dark energy.
One of them spiked a smoke bomb on the floor and the entire room instantly turned into a vaping convention inside a closet.
"Guards! Protect the Heroes! Do something useful for once!"
The King and Princess were screaming their heads off but it was useless. The smoke was thicker than the plot armor Arthur thought he had.
"Formation Delta! Hero listen to me! I will suppress the two on the left! You hold the rear! Don't engage without my signal!"
Arthur was screaming tactical commands like he was in a Call of Duty lobby. A weak, sputtering flashlight beam of Light Magic leaked from his sword as he tried to parry invisible attacks in the smog.
Kaizen said absolutely nothing. He stood there in the smoke completely naked from the waist down. He wasn't scared. He wasn't even adrenaline-filled.
He was vibrating with the cold, hard rage of a man who had been denied his dopamine release.
These cultists hadn't just interrupted a summoning; they had interrupted the grand finale. He was blue-balled, frustrated, and his reflex speed was currently heightened by pure sexual aggression.
A priest lunged out of the smoke. His eyes were wide with killing intent and a dark blade was aimed straight at Kaizen's exposed chest.
Kaizen didn't flinch. He had dodged ban hammers on Discord faster than this guy. He didn't raise his fists. He didn't look for a weapon. He simply planted his feet, looked the assassin dead in the eye, and violently thrust his hips forward.
Flop.
His little general did a tactical jiggle. It was a hypnotic display of physics. A pendulum of pure confusion.
The priest froze mid-step. His brain short-circuited. He had trained for sword fights. He had trained for magic duels. He had never trained to fight a man who weaponized the oscillation of his own ding-dong. The sheer, audacity of the wiggle stunned him for one critical second.
Sucker.
Kaizen smirked and lazily stepped to the side.
The priest stumbled forward, his momentum carrying him right past Kaizen's hip. He went straight toward Arthur's back like a heat-seeking missile.
"Enemy behind! Hero, duck!"
Arthur sensed the killing intent and spun around to save his teammate. It was a fatal mistake. He turned right into the attack that Kaizen had just politely escorted past him.
The dark blade slashed upward through the smoke. Arthur didn't have time to block. He didn't have time to blink.
"MY EYES! AAAAGH! I CAN'T SEE!"
Arthur dropped his sword and clutched his face. The dark magic sizzled across his eyelids like bacon on a grill.
He howled in agony as his world went pitch black, while Kaizen stood two feet away, scratching his stomach and looking bored.
Kaizen looked down at the man writhing on the floor, but his attention span was already drifting.
A sudden gust of Wind Magic swept through the room, clearing the smoke instantly. It was the Princess. She was howling Arthur's name with tears in her eyes, desperate and terrified.
Kaizen didn't care about the screaming. He cared about the physics of wind against silk.
The gust pressed her royal dress tight against her body, outlining a figure that made Kaizen want to forgive the assassins just for creating this camera angle.
He stared shamelessly at the way the fabric hugged her hips and chest. She was a solid ten out of ten, even if she had questionable taste in men.
But the moment was ruined.
The magic circle on the altar lit up a third time. It blazed with an intensity that made the previous summons look like cheap flashlights.
"The Real Hero! The Real Hero is here!"
The three assassins screamed in unison, freezing in place.
Kaizen frowned.
'What the fuck is going on? Is this a summon or a clown car?'
The ground exploded upwards and a figure shot out like a rocket, landing in a perfect three-point superhero landing. He slowly rose, flipping two short swords in his hands with unnecessary flair.
"Hiya! Your savior is here!"
He was tall. He was muscular. He had teeth so white they could probably deflect lasers. He was another handsome model-tier human being.
Kaizen felt his soul shrivel up in pure, petty hatred.
'Bruh. Is the universe just trolling me? Am I the only ugly bastard in this entire dimension?'
The King wept with joy. "The Prophecy! The Second Hero! He has come to save us all!"
The new guy winked at the crowd, posing with his chest puffed out.
"Hiya! That's right citizens! Have no fear! When Daddy's home, everything is alright! Hiya!"
He did a little spin. He did a little pose. He radiated an aura of pure, concentrated cringe that made Kaizen want to staple his own ears shut.
'I hate him. I hate him more than the guy who stabbed Arthur.'
But the "Hiya" lifestyle was short-lived.
While the new hero was busy flexing his glutes for the audience, the three assassins simply walked up behind him. There was no battle cry. No dramatic speech. Just efficiency.
Shluck. Shluck. Shluck.
Three dark swords plunged simultaneously through the new hero's chest, stomach, and kidney.
"Hiya...?"
The handsome hero froze. He looked down at the steel protruding from his abs. Then he looked up at Kaizen.
Kaizen wasn't helping. Kaizen wasn't fighting. Kaizen was biting his own lip so hard it was bleeding, trying desperately not to burst out laughing.
He clutched his stomach, tears of mirth forming in his eyes as the "Real Hero" gurgled, tipped over like a cardboard cutout, and face-planted onto the stone floor.