Chapter 3: The Art of the Double Slap and the Misunderstood Caress
Monday morning brought Leon not just a new day, but a new professional mandate: sanctioned public assault. Yet, despite the throbbing ache in his soul leftover from contemplating the Landlord's Aunt, Leon woke up with a bizarre sense of confidence.
He was past the initial shock. He had analyzed the Slap System. It wasn't about violence; it was about theatricality and quick escapes.
"I have 10 RSP," Leon announced to the pink window, pulling on a pair of slightly padded jogging bottoms. "I need 500 RSP to complete a quest. I cannot risk getting arrested before getting my first batch of funds. Therefore, I must use my superior INT (12) and my pathetic DEX (10) to execute the perfect, low-consequence, double-slap strategy."
Leon needed targets for Quest 1 (Slap 10 Men) and for Quest 5 (Be Slapped by 10 Men). Two birds, one profoundly embarrassing stone.
The Double-Slap Strategy
Leon's plan required finding a man who was 1) physically weaker than him (a low bar, but a bar nonetheless), and 2) easily provoked into a retaliatory, non-lethal slap (not a punch).
His hunting ground was the quiet, side-street near the university campus.
He spotted his first target: a thin, bespectacled young man who looked about eighteen, engrossed in a textbook while walking. He was the perfect combination of distracted and non-threatening.
Leon marched right up and performed his initial maneuver: a calculated, low-impact collision.
Bump!
Leon immediately clutched his imaginary injury, letting out a loud, theatrical sob. "Woe is me! You don't see me! I am invisible to society! You have ruined my morning!"
The young man calmly pushed his glasses up and looked at Leon with the detached calm only achievable by someone who spends too much time reading philosophy.
"Bro," the boy said, his voice quiet and even. "I saw you coming from thirty feet away. Are you okay?"
Failure to provoke anger. Initiating secondary, high-risk provocation sequence.
Leon leaned in close to the boy. Instead of using violence, he used something much more unsettling. He gently raised his hand and, with a trembling finger, caressed the boy's cheek and then his lower lip, slowly and deliberately.
"Uff!!" Leon breathed out, his voice a low, suggestive whisper, holding the gaze of the horrified young man. "Bro! You really… you really didn't see me!"
The boy's face went from pale white to a deep, burning crimson. This was not anger; this was pure, socially mortifying shame. A few passersby had stopped and were staring openly at the two figures locked in this bizarre, intimate confrontation.
The boy finally snapped, fueled by the collective judgment of the street. He pushed Leon back with both hands.
SMACK!
The boy's slap landed hard, fuelled by embarrassment and adrenaline.
[Quest 5 Progress: 1/10]
Leon staggered, feeling the familiar sting, but he grinned. He had successfully lured the boy into the return slap! Now for the final step.
Before the boy could flee, Leon retaliated with his own pre-calculated blow.
SMACK!
[Quest 1 Progress: 1/10]
"Farewell, Trevor!" Leon yelled for good measure, before turning tail and running like a frightened gazelle.
He didn't slow down until he was several blocks away, leaning against a lamp post and checking his System window. Two progress bars had filled up by one tick each. He hadn't gotten the RSP yet, but the confirmation was there.
"It works!" Leon whispered, exhilarated. "Humiliation is the key! The shock of the unexpected intimacy forces the return slap, which validates the outgoing slap! It's perfect, psychotic symmetry!"
Over the next two hours, Leon successfully repeated the bizarre 'Collision-Caress-Double-Slap-and-Run' technique four more times. Each time, he found a suitable male victim—a student with headphones, a man engrossed in a pamphlet, a slow-moving jogger. Each time, the sheer, inappropriate proximity of the 'Uff!! Bro' moment resulted in a furious, shame-fueled retaliatory slap, which Leon quickly answered with his required offense.
Victim 5: He slapped a man wearing a bright yellow t-shirt. The man's return slap was powerful.
Victim 6: He slapped a man carrying groceries. The man dropped his bags and immediately slapped Leon back with a wet fish he'd just bought.
Leon was achieving his goal, but the cumulative effect was brutal. His face, especially his left cheek, was starting to resemble a freshly beaten watermelon—red, swollen, and increasingly tender.
[Quest 1 Progress: 5/10]
[Quest 5 Progress: 5/10]
He took a breather on a park bench, his face throbbing. He needed five more men for each quest. His skin felt tight, but his soul felt triumphant.
"Just five more, and I get a thousand RSP," he mumbled through slightly swollen lips.
The Sixth Target (A Miscalculation)
He returned to the main road for his sixth target. He saw a man leaning against a street mural, scrolling through a brightly decorated phone. He was thin, artistic-looking, and seemed lost in his own world.
Perfect, Leon thought, already planning his 'You don't see me' monologue. I need to be theatrical, but quick.
He executed the collision, the theatrical cry, and then initiated the secondary sequence. He leaned in, his caress slightly more exaggerated due to his fatigue, and delivered his signature whisper:
"Uff!! Bro! You really didn't see me…"
The man looked up, blinked at Leon's deeply swollen, red face, and then a wide, genuine smile broke out.
The man didn't look angry. He didn't look ashamed. He looked thrilled.
"Oh, hi!" the man chirped, his eyes sparkling. "I totally saw you, but I wasn't expecting... this! Are you filming something? This is a great meet-cute setup! You're very dramatic! I love the commitment to the red cheek makeup!"
Leon froze. Commitment? Meet-cute? This was not the expected fury of a straight man whose personal space had been violently violated. This was an entirely different, unexpected reaction.
"No, no filming," Leon stammered, pulling his hand away quickly. "I... I was just, uh, angry about a parking ticket! I thought you were the meter maid!"
The man laughed again, a sweet, high sound. "Well, that's disappointing. But hey, if you're not busy, I'm Kevin. And I'm free for a coffee. You clearly need to cool down that cheek, handsome." He winked.
Leon's mind screamed a silent, terrified retreat. This was a nightmare of misinterpretation! He couldn't slap Kevin—that would be an act of homophobic aggression, not a justified retaliatory action, and he definitely couldn't allow Kevin to slap him, which would require an even more elaborate (and unwanted) setup!
"No-way! I—I'm late for... for a thing! A very heterosexual thing! With my extremely heterosexual dog named Trevor!" Leon yelled, stumbling backward.
He turned and ran, not with the calculated speed of a man completing a quest, but with the sheer panic of a man running from his own terrible, system-mandated actions. He ran like Death was behind him, which, given the sheer absurdity of his life right now, was probably true.
He didn't look back until he was safely home, locking the deadbolt with trembling hands. [Quest 1] and [Quest 5] remained at 5/10 progress.
He fell onto his bed, burying his tomato-red face in his pillow.
"What the fuck system is this week?" he muffled. He now had to find five more victims, and he was terrified of running into Kevin again.