So surprisingly my guns didn't fire right. They actually caused bullshit off to the side. Which was annoyingly raw. It was poison and smoke filling the air. Making the area obscure. For me anyway. For some reason-
"Hey, I can't see. What's going on?" Casey asks nervously.
"You can't see, darling?" I ask warmly with good humor.
"Shut up Stanley, we aren't dating. Don't call me that. The air is too thick. Are you smoking the room out?" Casey asks, angry and nervous.
I look around, stroking my chin. Notice I'm back in my previous outfit. And shrug.
"I think our wizardry nuked the store. I noticed gas spilling out of packages. If you guys can still do wizardry, have fun with this dust storm. I'm a normal man of technology, I'm leaving." I say nonchalantly.
I begin leaving. They are smiling weirdly. And just begin praying demands out loud. Very loud. Which I turn around and watch as what is basically Preacher Mode for Wizards happens.
"I want a snowcone machine!" Casey demands loudly.
I see a pause menu from a video game appear in front of my face with a price tag for $12 and a Confirm or Deny box.
"Ummm… Casey, I have a videogame menu saying it's $12. Do you want it?" I say nervously.
"Stannnnn! Why do you have to be such a Capitalist!? I knew you weren't a real liberal. This is why we need a Russian. We'd get magic items for free." Casey whines angrily.
I laugh a bit and shrug.
"So magic works like that? Well sorry, but blame videogames like Final Fantasy and games with alchemy in it. Materials cost money if you take it from a store. If magic works like that, I'm groomed by turn based RPGs the most." I say with warm humor.
I'm like, really high on the store fumes and this wizardry shit. I've already decided to ride the flow until more violence happens. They might end up satisfied with this.
"Alright uh, I need a game disc of John Christian 3D in Disneyland: Fuck Walt Edition." Casey says happily.
I see a box that says $5.
"$5 for that videogame surprisingly." I say warmly.
"Casey, don't fuck Walt." Priest Knucklebone says sadly.
"What, Priest, no. I was gonna kill Walt." Casey says, nervous and defensive.
"Is it a porn game? What a naughty girl. Do you need a boyfriend?" I purr seductively.
Casey glares at me and Priest Knucklebone throws a paper plane at me that transforms as he says some Latin bullshit into a fucking katana that gets propelled with some bullshit chemistry reaction like it's Dante's sword throw from DMC. And I barely twist to the side to dodge it in time.
I look at it. It's just like Vergil's sword. I pick it up, and it becomes V's cane from DMC5. Fuck. Then I pose with it like a rich dude, and smile at my ex Casey. And ignore the Priest.
"So what else you got to order?" I say lovingly.
"I want… a game you'd recommend." Casey says, nervous with a tinge of love.
I walk over to a shelf, pick a Xbox Game Pass off the shelf, and hand it to her.
"Instead of chemistry, buy this. And play Expedition 33. It is the best game of 2025 to me. It is a sad game that is a thrill ride. It's sad, beautiful, and happy. Give it a shot." I say lovingly.
She throws it aside, still smiling brightly.
"I already have that Game Pass." she says quickly.
"Nice." I say happily, smiling.
"Anyway, alchemy game based on your head." Casey says happily.
"Yo, you want the Tower of Hades then." I say happily.
Suddenly I feel a Acid Trip happen. Followed by a barrage of images I know from that game I mentioned. It's meant to be a videogame about being a epic Anime Warrior named Jacob Deatrix in hell. You basically fight your way from the top to the bottom to get out the tower. And I hadn't even justified a way to escape hell yet. There's two ways out the tower mainly. Kill everything and steal the keys to doors. Or do quests for keys and ways to bypass locked doors and entire floors even.
When my acid trip is done, I see the videogame has formed in my hand with a valentine's day gift card and a rose. The gift card was a $100 for Dollar General.
"Does it work?" she asks, confused.
"I dunno, scan it." I say, pleased and slightly traumatized still.
She scans the gift card, and it pays for the game. It forms in her hand, replacing the rose. With a receipt.
"Nice, I only spent $20 on that. Cause of the…" Casey says happily.
She frowns and glares at me.
"I got a ex-girlfriend discount." she says, annoyed and sad.
"Casey, he's ex-communicated, ya know. We can't have that kind of thing around here. That's a literal mythical item of Aphrodite from a turbo f@g." Priest Knucklemore says angrily.
She shifts in place a place nervously, not sure how to handle the fact that she's betraying the church with this alchemy bullshit.
"But Father Knucklemore, it's such a good discount. And I got free money for this store. I think I like being Stan's ex-wife. Plus uh, how do we turn it off?" Casey says, guilty and nervous.
I smirk mischeviously at the Priest.
"Yeah, bet ya didn't think about that. How do we turn off our dating history? You'd have to like, time travel or something. Plus it's in my DNA to be a lover boy, so this happens a lot if you do magic chemistry or whatever." I tease like a douchebag.
Priest Knucklemore's sad and disappointed in all of this.
"Hey, we have to leave. We can't do magic with a ex-communicated kid around. He'll like, ruin my beer combos cause he smokes too much pot." he complains.
"FUUUCCCKKK! You're right. Sorry Stan, I'm an alcoholic. I can't do magic here." Casey says seriously with mild guilt.
She walks out the store quickly. As does the Priest for a few steps. Then he snaps to attention.
"Wait a minute! We're supposed to kill Stan! And he isn't dead!" Priest Knucklemore says angrily.
I frown and just stare in disappointment. He farts, then does naruto hand signals, some crosses with his fingers, farts again, then teleports with the entire store morphing into a nuke. That can talk. With a cartoon face like he's from Conker's Bad Fur Day.
"Ready to be forgotten about with this town, f@gget!?" Nuke yells angrily.
I shrug.
"I don't think I'll die. Unless you blow up. I've eaten this whole store across my lifetime." I say, bored.
"I don't blow up." Nuke says bluntly.
"Then I will be fine." I say warmly.
We stare at each other. The room is a lot of saturated colors like I'm staring at the sun. It's weirdly nice, it's not as bad as the sun. And I have trails of myself following me as I move my body. It's cool. I'm like that clip from the Jojo's Part 5 intro where there are past images of me behind me as I walk.
I turn to look at them. And they get mad. And also for some reason become my favorite celebrities. From like, anything. Youtube, movies, anime.
"We're your soldiers! Keep moving forward." Yajirobe snaps angrily.
I shrug and keep walking forward. As I walk, I realize I am trapped in the store maze. It is a thick trail of bodies packed too tightly together. Their clothes are even vaguely merging.
"Guys, how do we leave?" I ask fearfully.
"Just complete the circuit. Fill the room with bodies. And don't fuck up the maze. Every aisle not filled will not get its shelf restocked with fresh goods. They will be empty." Master Roshi from DBZ says seriously.
I am confused, but decide to trust what must be my magical subconscious materializing as anime characters. I move through the DG as best as I can. And I almost succeed. Except I forgot about like, all the manager rooms. And the bathroom. And the $1 aisle. And the medicine area.
When it happens, I bump into Markiplier. And he rants in a weird way about Marks.
"This Marks the spot where the fucking store will be regenerating from! All Marks pick an aisle and assemble them with your teams! On my mark! MARRRKKKKKK!" Markiplier yells angrily.
Suddenly through sheer force of WTF, chemistry maybe? I am teleported to the spot me and Markiplier met exactly. And suddenly I exude what must be years upon years of chemicals from years of eating at DG and other places in America. All into aisles that they did chemistry and weird tribal shit in.
Like honestly there's sexy wizardry for condoms where a woman spits on the manager's dick to make condoms. Then he rants in a funny autistic way even though he gets the sexy end of it.
"Why is these condoms have more of that f@gs DNA than mine?" Manager complains furiously.
"I dunno, eat more food. From here." Sales Associate Lady teases bluntly.
"Bro, I hate this food. And I'm the Manager." Manager says angrily.
"I'll be the Manager eventually if I have it my way. Especially with this level of Chemistry, f@gget." I taunt smugly.
Suddenly the General from those car insurance commericals shows up as a clay hologram thing. WTF? With a contract? It says it's a Employee Contract. I sign it happily.
"We will hire you eventually." General Insurance Hologram Guy says happily.
I sigh and shrug.
"Honestly, I should've expected it wouldn't be that fast with how weird today it was. Any idea when?" I say warmly.
"Nope. Not even a little." General Hologram Guy says bluntly.
I shrug again. And leave. I just go home and relax. For a few years. Move up to the mountains cause sadly, I lost my job and needed to go live with my father for a bit to build up wealth to live up here in a new state. Cause I was sick of the Illinois church f@gs and everyone else in my hometown. It had become an apathetic, sad place to me.
This new town is already so much more vibrant. With fancy outfits on the customers, and a bit more diversity. But maybe that vibe comes from being in a store with travelers around. Which is still nice. It felt too normal and good. But well, I am still paranoid. Chemistry Warfare is weird. It's a world of invisible enemies I can't figure out. Cause I don't pay attention enough.
I don't have access to the cameras at work. And I listen to music at work. Plus I'm normal with socializing. As in I don't pry into your lives like a cop. I make small talk, maybe flirt with someone, and otherwise do my job. As a normal guy.
So honestly, it's a world of constant variables to a major extent. Which is annoying and raw at the same time. I feel like a badass just for working here sometimes. Especially if I can pretend there's been chemistry going on.
Which honestly, besides the vape carts getting filled with too much weed during the first fog, nothing important happened besides a barrage of positive normalcy for a slice of life DG simulation in my head. Which is nice honestly.