Among all the things that have ever happened to me, dying is definitely one of them. In short, the loan shark collected his debt with a shot to the chest, because I lied about my name, ID number, date of birth, mother's name, and everything else you can possibly lie about. Of course I would do that, I thought it was a way to get quick cash and get away with it, but here I am, slumped against a wall in a dirty alley.
"Did you really think you could get away with it?"
Yes. The loan shark throws out this question and crouches in front of me, while one of his thugs passes the revolver and he decides to play Russian roulette, spinning the cylinder with the bullets inside and pointing it at the middle of my forehead. He pulls the trigger, the cylinder spins to the next bullet, and I remain in this world.
"Well, at least I discovered your identity: the biggest deadbeat around these parts, a.k.a. Phillip. You're much more famous than I imagined you would be, but..."
He pulls the trigger again, but my luck runs out there. The gun fires and hits me right in the forehead, so I'm unable to hear the rest of the loan shark's sentence. Not that I wanted to, I confess, so I can call it divine mercy. Hah, what a life.
Now, what happens? The bullet must have ripped out brain matter and left me totally incapable of anything. I feel myself "rising", but my body stays in the same place. I rise, rise, and rise toward the sky, crossing the clouds and reaching outer space.
Wait, isn't this going too fast? Am I going to paradise? They say it's up high, so that must be it... Wow, Mars! I'm literally passing Mars!
I... I'm passing Jupiter? It's getting faster and faster! The Milky Way soon recedes into a luminous blur, the stars become long streaks as my speed approaches that of light, with everything escaping my sight as if someone had pressed the fast-forward button on the universe.
This isn't paradise. I've never heard anyone describe heaven as an interstellar trip at absurd speed. Did I get promoted to a comet? Is that it? Do people turn into comets when they die?!?
I cross the void. The universe distorts, opens up, and folds in on itself. I continue to be pulled, faster and faster, until the entire galaxy is reduced to a mere distant smudge. I feel what must be the spiritual equivalent of motion sickness.
It's then that I see a blue world from above. It's just like Earth, totally identical! My soul or comet form skids around the planet, giving me the opportunity to look at the stars that could possibly be seen from below. I don't recognize any constellations, this is definitely not the astrological chart of my neighborhood, and I'm supposed to be the best fortune teller in my city!
I feel like I'm being drawn in, pulled toward it, swallowed by the planet's murky atmosphere.
For an instant, there is nothing. I feel like I don't exist.
I died.
*****
But I survived!
I mean, sort of, this is very different from before.
The first sensation is... weight. A colossal, monstrous weight. I feel water all around, pressing against every part of me. I must be at the bottom of an ocean to experience this, yet I have no idea how I'm managing to maintain consciousness.
I open not eyes, not exactly, but an entire set of new senses, spread across a body that feels immensely large.
I move something. One neck? Two? Three? Five? I feel muscles dragging, with something scaly rubbing against heavy water. I try to breathe, the air flows divided through my throat, with several possible vibrations to feel.
My entire body writhes. It takes time for me to understand where I am and what is mine, it's as if there are several parts of me scattered everywhere and I need to collect them one by one to regain some movement.
I see a light from above and raise my head.
The water becomes less deep. The light grows, showing a greenish color that embraces the surface. I finally manage to break through the sea with the tip of my nose.
The mist parts around me, pushed away by the force of each of my pieces rising above the water. Something shines in front of me, reflecting my outline. I look.
Wh-What is that?!
A gigantic, multi-headed monster, with immense black eyes, grayish-green scales that shimmer under the sun hidden in the fog, is staring back at me! That is definitely not me!
The description would better fit a gigantic hydra, similar to one told in the myth of the twelve labors of Hercules.
I should run away from that thing, it must be after me! When I try to move one of my parts, the reflection reacts, and then I notice the water rippling. Wait...
"...Me?"
Seven voices echo with a different timbre in my ears, overlapping in something that sounds more like a misaligned choir. Not even in my wildest hustles did I think I would end up like this. Is this even possible? I haven't even figured out how to control this Megazord yet!
Look on the bright side, I'm alive... I think this is being alive? Sure, I'm a giant aberration made of seven serpent heads, but still, it's just one consciousness!
"But this is too complicated..."
"Too complicated, I prefer to go back to scamming."
"If I had just a little more patience, I would have fled the country with a fortune."
Oh, no! My heads are talking to themselves, each one using a different tone of voice! It's as if I have different channels to communicate, which is truly strange.
I was still trying to decide which head was the main one, or if I had a "manager head", when a sound caught my attention.
Cloc... cloc... cloc.
A tiny wooden vessel advanced lazily through the fog. It carried two fishermen, wearing simple cloaks and worn hats. They looked like figures straight out of an old book.
One of them raises his head.
"Hm."
Both stopped rowing at the same time.
The two men observe... me. Or rather, my colossal self, seven sovereign heads floating above the surface.
"Boy..." says the one on the left, whose calmness doesn't match the moment. "The Demon Lord really went all out this time."
"Yep" replies the one on the right, shaking his head with the air of a tired public servant. "Sent a big one."
"Big indeed."
"Gonna be a lot of work."
"It is."
At no point do they scream, or panic, or drop their oars. They just... start rowing back. With a little more effort, but still with a lot of seriousness!
"H-hey! Guys!"
My voice echoed through all the heads, a truly awkward orchestra.
The two fishermen froze for a moment.
"This thing is scary."
"Yes, indeed."
"Then it's an advancement in demonic technology."
"Makes sense."
They start rowing harder. Accelerated escape mode, but still looking like two uncles casually leaving the beach because the wind shifted.
I, desperate for some decent answer about where the hell I am, swim after them.
The sea parts around me as if I were a battleship. I'm incredibly fast!
For a human, rowing makes sense. For a giant hydra? It's the equivalent of chasing a turtle. I reach them in a few seconds.
"Wait! Calm down! I just want to talk!"
One of my heads leans down to try and grab the boat gently, like a hand carefully lifting a newborn kitten from inside a box. I touch the vessel with the tip of my snout.
The boat flies.
I don't know exactly how to explain it: it simply shot into the sky, spinning like a top, taking the two fishermen with it. They vanished into the fog with a distant:
"...hmmmmmm."
My seven heads freeze.
"M-my God, what have I done?!"
"They're going to die!"
"I'm a murderer!"
"Why did I have that brilliant idea?!"
I pray. I don't know to whom, maybe to the afterlife manager who put me here. Hopefully, they fell into a haystack, a soft roof, a field, anything.
With all my throats sighing together, I let half my body sink.
The water swallows me back. I return to the depths, trying to regain the breath and sanity that disappeared as I suffered horribly.
"Okay... okay... let's figure this out properly."
"No more juggling humans."
"And definitely no touching anything until I have an idea of my strength."
The darkness of the seafloor envelops me as I try to organize my thoughts in this general assembly of heads.