Noxan looked upside down at the wall, staring into emptiness.He nearly fell from his bed but he didn't care, this emptiness felt good...
His glance drifted on the clock,the endless ticking reminded him of himself.Noxan wasn't living or deciding things on his own,he felt used and made by others.Noxan feels like he doesn't have a life.He does but he's not really living it.Like a plant forced to sprout.He wasn't ready to shine,he was covered in darkness.
Noxan looked at the reflection of the clock seeing himself,he spoke
"Is life worth living if I'm not the one living it?"
Noxans stomach felt empty,it grumbled relentlessly.Noxan hasn't eaten in 3 days.
*If he can't like a boy,I have to be curvy, skinny and soft.
If my gender is the reason love stops, I wanna change.*
Noxan never understood
*Sociaty made the our gender important even in romance and personalit.People don't seem to understand that our gender is only important in intimate moments,but for sociaty our gender is our picture.When your a girl you havt to he soft,and as a boy you have ot be obsessed with football.
"You can't love a boy even if he has the same personality like a girl"
that was plated deeply within us.Why does everything have a connection to us?
Why does everything matter?*
Noxans head slowly reached the floor,it hurt a little but the feeling of being upside down comforted him.
He didn't know why but he always found comfort in the weirdest positions.Noxan asked himself without having the "right" to
"Do I have adhs or autism?"
Noxan didn't know the answer,he acted and thought with symptoms of both of them but he didn't wanna disrespect people who actually have it and kept it for himself.People often said to Noxan that he is "autistic",some meant it as joke ,others were serious.
People always looked down on Noxan he was useful but only as a stair.
He often heard about him
"It helps me to get up,but is also the reason why i get down.I hope he would just help me up not break."
Noxan listened.Losing his humanity turning into an object of society.
*People can use me that's fine*
That was what he believed,he believed that he lost his humanity a long time ago, blocking the last sunlight within him.
He had friends but only one sided,they didn't see him as a friend but a tool pacintly waiting to be used.He was some toy to let out anger.
People pressed on him with anger, excuses and private problems.Noxan had one "friend" who was obsessed with him,he forced him to do things he didn't want to.He forced Noxan to mold the moment he saw the light.
Noxan had to hug him,had to hold his hands,had to go in one locker room with him.Noxan didn't want to uncover but he was threatened and punished if he didn't act like a dog.He needed to watch how cotton fell off him like a river.He had to watch how people lived there dreams with his body and mind, making him unworthy and forever dirty.
Whenever they broke down,they said he forced them.They started to shake and cry, playing his role.Everyone believed in the tears, forgetting that lies exists.In that phase of his life he was truly empty,he had no tears wich made him the liar,a liar accused of blood and not truth.
The clock fell on the ground, carrying Noxan out.
Out of the lies deeply planted in him.