\|/ Turn 42, early light
I've poisoned myself.
Last dark, after eating the weird fruit, my throat felt weird like I described. I went to sleep next to Mik who seemed fine.
I woke up in the middle of the dark. The fire was almost completely out with only small embers remaining. My stomach hurt and there was a vile taste in the back of my throat. I ran out of the tent. My stomach lurched and I vomited a few lengths away from the tent in a bush.
I stood over a bush for a while, spitting and trying to get the acidic taste out of my mouth to no avail. It was completely silent, and I couldn't see anything. I felt as if I was being watched while I was outside. I stumbled back inside, lying down next to Mik. I curled in on myself as my stomach fought against my own body. I had completely emptied it and I was painfully hungry again. It felt like my stomach would fold in on itself.
Mik, fortunately, seemed fine. It was sound asleep while I groaned through the night. I considered waking it, to distract myself from the pain, but I decided against it. It looked better than it had when I first woke up, more than just a husk. I even felt its taste in the air before I threw up.
I cursed myself for not putting any water in one of the bowls. I wanted to wash my mouth and absorb some, since I felt incredibly thirsty from losing all of the water in my stomach. I considered making a break for the spring in the dark, but it felt too unsafe. Even with the shadow dead, that doesn't mean other predators don't prowl the area, and I'm completely blind in the dark.
It's almost first light now. I am shaking a lot while writing this, and it's not from coldness. I need to find some food, or else I'll be joining Mik in starvation. The sap from two turns ago had long since been digested, while this fruit had just made sure that my stomach is completely empty. I'll write at dark if I don't collapse.
\|/ Turn 42, dark
Mik is getting better, but I've had to kill horribly again.
After writing my last entry I waited until first light, shaking and curling from cramps. When first light came, I immediately left the tent to search for food. I borrowed Mik's hatchet again.
It was surprisingly warm outside, despite my illness. I kept the cloak on, and if I hadn't been poisoned, I could've even walked with it off in direct light.
I decided to try the water spring one last time. I didn't have enough energy to make it to the lake, and I was hoping to maybe find more shoots that I knew didn't harm me in the short term. I wasn't counting on the brown swimmers being there that early.
But they were. Only one of them was inside the water, the other still sleeping to the side of the water spring. I looked around while hiding in a bush, and I couldn't see any more shoots. The swimmers were the only food there.
I left my cloak aside and crawled into the water. My entire body was shaking at that point.
The two swimmers didn't notice me until it was too late.
I snuck up to the one in the water and quickly brought the hatchet up with both arms. My left hand immediately cramped from pain, while my right had lost too much strength from hunger, so the hatchet flew out of my hands, landing somewhere in a nearby bush.
The swimmer noticed me and started to take flight. I grabbed it. The cloak felt so soft under my hands, so warm. For just a moment, I thought about letting it go. The swimmer started struggling in my hands.
But I couldn't.
i am so sorry
I quickly dragged it under the water and started drowning it. It fought with me while underwater. I put my entire body weight on it, only keeping my head and back over the water level.
The other swimmer woke up and panicked, flying to me, trying to hurt me with its snout. It impaled itself on my back thorns. I felt its blood trickle onto my scales as it failed to pierce them. It made so much noise, as if it was pleading. I didn't let go.
The swimmer underwater was still fighting. I was horrified for how long it kept fighting me. Moments passed, then an entire span, then two. Bubbles rose as it continued losing air.
The one above the water kept trying. It hurt so much to see it trying to protect the swimmer I was drowning before its eyes.
The swimmer underwater was still somehow alive, still resisting. Multiple spans had passed. It felt like entire phases and cycles passed.
please just die… please…
I didn't want it to suffer, but it wouldn't stop. I was begging it to give up.
The one above water got to my head and my face. It was trying to get my eyes.
I took my right hand out and clawed it. I hit its wing, and it fell into the water. The water stained red.
This gave enough time for the one drowning to peak out for just a moment. I quickly lay down on it, using my tail and upper body to drown it.
The one above water, bleeding from its wing, finally fled. It kept making a depressing noise as it swam and then fluttered away. Its back left wing was bleeding profusely.
The air bubbles slowly stopped rising. The resistance waned.
I felt its life giving out in my own damn hands.
I held it down for just a few more moments, crying.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to…" I spoke into the water.
After a few moments I had enough courage to pull it out of the water.
The swimmer was completely soaked; its four wings splayed out. Its eyes remained open, staring at me. I didn't see two, I saw hundreds again.
no… No. It has two eyes. Stop seeing things.
I looked away, trying to calm myself. Trying to convince myself I had to do it. I kept telling myself: It was me or the swimmer. It was me or the swimmer…
I carried it out of the water, and I got my cloak. I couldn't bring myself to look at it again. Afterwards, I went to where the hatchet had flown out of my hands.
If I didn't ruin my left arm, I could've made this so much less painful…
I found the hatchet after a few moments and took it in my left hand, carrying the swimmer by a wing with my right. I made my way back to the tent.
The swimmer felt alive in my hand. Soft and warm, like before I drowned it. I couldn't stop shaking. My legs started giving out.
The singing was constant. An Ode to Death. It felt like it got louder than before.
"Please, stop…" I whispered to the trees.
The singers didn't. It got louder.
I tried to hurry up but immediately tripped over nothing. I lost my sense of taste in the air. My body was giving out.
The singing kept getting louder. It pierced my ears.
I got back up to my feet and continued walking. I didn't know how much was left until I got to the tent.
I cracked, letting go of the hatchet and swimmer. I fell to the ground and covered my head, writhing from the noise.
Suddenly, it was silent again.
I lay there for a few moments, curled, with my head covered.
I slowly stood up, panting from exhaustion, and took the hatchet and swimmer again. I finally got to the tent.
I put the swimmer just outside on some leaves. I took off my cloak and left it to the side. I brought the hatchet up and started butchering it.
I had no idea how to butcher. I've never done it before. I just improvised what I remembered from seeing others do it. The first thing I did was take off its head. I couldn't look at the body with those countless eyes staring at me. I threw it far away, as far as I could.
The swimmer still twitched. I didn't understand how. It horrified me.
I started cutting the swimmer into chunks. First the wings and legs. I then took the chest and main part of the body and opened it up with the axe. There was so much blood. It stuck to my claws and scales.
How did Mik do this before?
I couldn't fathom how Mik had butchered everything he had hunted. He looked so casual while descaling the shadow, like it meant nothing.
The organs I saw when I opened the body confused me. In the front there were these… sacks?
I opened one up and water came out.
Lungs.
All of the sacks, 10 from what I saw, were lungs. It had fought for so much lung because it had so much air. It had suffered until every one of the sacks was filled.
I took a few deep breaths and continued cutting. I was trying not to break down. I kept trying to convince myself I had to kill it, but that felt hollow.
It took me a few more spans until I separated the organs. I didn't understand most of them, only that they were fresh. I avoided the bones, but I knew that I would have to take them as well when I ate the organs.
I covered the body, what was left of it, with more leaves and vines, and took the organs and flesh in my hands, the red blood dripping onto the grass. I tried not to think how Mik's blood was the same. I left the hatchet outside.
When I came in, Mik was awake. It called out to me, but I wasn't hearing it. I wasn't hearing anything.
I brought the organs to a bowl and put them in. I went back outside and got some wood from nearby trees and branches. I barely had enough energy to walk. I took the hatchet along with the wood and went inside to start the fire.
I heard Mik calling to me, saying something, but it was muted. Everything was muted.
I started hitting the hatchet with a rock, failing to start a fire.
I collapsed after a few tries. I couldn't start the fire.
I closed my eyes and apologized to Mik. I tried, I really did.
I heard sparking then. I opened my eyes to see Mik, shaking, on his knees starting the fire next to me. It managed with its one healthy arm, dragging the hatchet out of the campfire when it ignited. Mik sat back down, breathing heavily.
"thank you" I whispered. I dragged myself and put the bowl next to the fire. It felt like an eternity while it was cooking.
The moment it looked done enough I took and ate it. I don't even remember the taste, just eating frantically.
When I was done, I collapsed next to Mik, losing consciousness.
I woke up sometime later, no longer shaking. Mik was awake, one hand on my back as it watched the fire.
"Maya?" Mik hissed when I woke up.
"It's me." I said, slowly getting up. My senses had returned; I could taste the air, and I wasn't shaking anymore.
And I realized that I was torturing Mik with the taste of meat in the air it didn't eat.
I quickly took out my journal and pointed to "food". Mik looked at me, confused, but I immediately grabbed the hatchet and bowl, and stumbled out of the tent.
I uncovered what was left of the swimmer and quickly started getting all the meat off I could with my bare hands. I took the wings and threw them inside the tent. I would have to descale them at some point. I avoided the spine; I wasn't sure if these beings could also carry prion diseases.
Light had almost set outside. I lost track of time completely.
I put the bowl next to the fire and got more of the fruit. I needed the hatchet to open it, but it was dripping from blood, like my own hands. I held the hatchet above the fire to disinfect it as best I could and then used it to open another one of the fruits.
"Maya." Mik called out again.
"Not now, I'm making food for you." I rasped, wincing at my own rudeness.
"Maya" Mik said again.
Right, he can't understand me and can only say "Maya".
I went to Mik and hissed to him like he had hissed to me when I saw the shadow.
"Shhhhhhhh…"
It felt weird, but Mik chuckled a bit and stopped calling out to me. It seems that that type of hissing calms its species, as it calmed me.
I waited a bit for the meat to cook. When it was done, I added the flesh from the fruit and gave the bowl to Mik, utterly exhausted.
Mik was healthy enough to eat on its own. I let it eat alone and went outside.
I had to take a few deep breaths outside to calm myself. I had been running the entire turn, and I was still processing the water in the sacks of the poor swimmer. It was too hard to watch. I couldn't even start to think about the other swimmer that tried to protect it. I pushed the thoughts aside, going back to Mik.
It's dark now. Mik ate and is moving around a bit, shifting its weight and moving its arm. It's still too thin, but at least it's not actively dying now. I hope the combination of fruit and meat will keep it well. I'm still trying to convince myself that what I did was necessary.
Because it was. It had to be.