The morning hit the windows of our room but today I am already awake before the sunrise as I didn't sleep well yesterday. My thoughts, my overthinking, didn't let me sleep all night. The few days are left for my happiness. Sometimes I ask myself why our life is not just what we want. In fact since the starting my life was never what I wanted from it except him. He came into my life which I didn't even expect that would ever happen. The only thing that I expected was that my heartfelt wish will always remain my heartfelt wish, it will never gonna fulfill, but it did, yes it did. He came into my life when I least expected it.
Many things are going to change in my life after the shooting of this drama series gets over, after my farewell party, maybe everything. But what should I do, my Mr heart wants what it wants. I know few find me stupid foolish idiotic but I am not here to make them understand what my feelings are. I am not here in this life to satisfy others. I know some will yell at me that they think I am not focusing on my career but tell me tell me my Mr heart do I really have to live the way others want me to live. I know they are more experienced than me, they have more knowledge about everything than me but what about me, what about my happiness, what about my dreams. Did I ever get a chance to fulfill it. Will my imaginary life ever become my real life or I just have to imagine everything again and again just to make myself happy and satisfied. I asked this question to my Mr heart but there is no answer.
I know I have to live a life what people want me to live because that is the only way of living correctly but did anyone ever ask me that Zhao Shiza it's your life what you want in it what you expect from it what matters for you in this. No no-one ever asked me like that. Everyone is only here to give advices, sharing their own experiences about life and telling me what to do and what not to do but what about my dreams and my wishes, what about what I expect from my life. Will my wishes just meant to remain my wishes only, they'll never come true. What about the life I imagined with him, will it ever become true. No that's all in my mind, it won't, it will never because life only gives you what it wants to give not what you ask from it.
I know after completing my graduation here in Shanghai university right after the farewell all the professors here and my teachers will suggest me, suggest us, to do a job in big firms in Shanghai. Some will say to go to Beijing and Shenzhen for jobs. They are all right in their place but I didn't wanna do a job after graduation, I really didn't, but I can't accept it openly in front of anyone not even in front of Wang Ruoxi because everyone who ever hears this will only say one thing to me that I have wasted my parents money by doing this major in Shanghai university. But how do I explain them I just want to live a life I always dreamt of with him. But I know everyone finds this childish immature thing in me. But I am not here to explain myself to anyone here.
The right thing for me is to get a good job right after the graduation here but my Mr heart doesn't want this. The life that I imagined didn't include that in it but I think I have to do what others say to me because I am left with no options. Yes it's very hard to accept but this is the true reality of my life that my dreamy world will never come true, my heartfelt wishes will not ever be fulfilled. It's not because he is a big superstar actor, it's because I am such an ordinary girl who didn't dare to think that.
These all thoughts and roller coaster ride of emotions are going inside me continuously but the reason why it hit me so suddenly is that yesterday at midnight when I opened my Weibo account and saw his female co actress talking about him after a long time in an interview on China TV, saying that when someone asked him to do a wink he makes a face like he is having a stomach ache which she finds very cute and she even called him very cute. All the people in the comment section started shipping them again. After all their series together went nationwide and received very much appreciation from all over the world and their pairing is also a very very attractive one. But it hurts me, it really really and deeply hurts my poor Mr heart who didn't even know how to breathe without seeing him.
The tears started rolling down from my eyes and I held my mouth tightly with my one hand so that Wang Ruoxi didn't hear the sound of my crying. The only thing which is scaring me is that what if they get paired up again in some new drama series. They were already a power couple, fans loved to see their favourite pairing again after 2023 the year their drama got released and got so much love. What if my Yuan also falls for her. She is indeed so pretty, in fact one of the prettiest and most kind actresses in China. But what about me, am I really meant to see it again. No not now I can't see him again like that, I really can't, even if I try then also I'll get miserably fail in it.
I know that what if he gets paired up with her again, what if their studio thinks that pairing them again for a new project is good for both of their careers as they are the hit pair. What if my Yuan falls for her while doing the new project with her. He'll definitely think that she is more suitable for him than me. After all same industry they know each other pretty well, she is more beautiful than me and even she won't get jealous like me. She understands everything what is professional and what is not. She is not like me who gets jealous and insecure so easily just seeing a video of him with any girl and scrolls it down quickly from my screen.
Yes right I am absolutely right. It's not that I am doubting him, I know we are in a relationship but a relationship with me is very easy for him to break because he knows that also that if he really wants to end this relationship of ours then I'll be the first one who walks away from his life first just for him, for his happiness. I'll lose myself already in him. Now I didn't have anything left that I am afraid to lose, nothing not even a single thing, I said it to myself.
For the sake of his happiness I can do anything or everything for him even if it includes to chop my heart with my own hands into pieces. He is the one who made me meet myself, who made me feel that yes I can also dream, I also have that right. He is the one who always comes into my Mr heart when it is not at ease and helps me to calm down and handle the problems well. He is the one who makes me feel that I don't have to look like or become like someone else, I am beautiful and self sufficient in my own way. He is the one who brings colours to my pale white life. He is the one who makes me understand what love really is, how it feels like.
And till now what I have learnt through my journey till here is that love does not always mean to live together happily ever after but sometimes in some cases it also means sacrificing your love for your loved one without even letting them know about it and yes if my love also wants a sacrifice from me then I am really willing to give that sacrifice for it, for him because nothing is more precious to me in this world other than his happiness and for it I am willing to do anything or everything even if that thing requires to hurt my own Mr heart and its feelings then also I am willing to do it as I said earlier anything or everything for him even if it costs me to hurt my own feelings.
Then for almost forty five minutes I am completely lost in my own thinking and thoughts but Wang Ruoxi woke up from her sleep and right after waking up she asked me Zhao Shiza aren't you going to your shoot today it's eight am in the morning you are getting quite late, she said.
I wiped up tears quickly with both my hands and forced a smile on my face and then turned around to her and said yes I am just about to leave, I said to her.
Wait why are your eyes looking red and a bit swollen from here, she asked me.
No it's nothing like that it's just I didn't sleep properly last night and woke up early today, I said to her.
Then why were you wasting your time by standing in front of the window and looking at the sky and didn't go to your set, she asked me in a quiet doubting tone which I can sense.
Then I smiled and said I was just taking a bit of rest as I didn't sleep properly last night so I thought to stand in front of the window and take vitamin D.
Didn't you get enough vitamin D by standing here for almost one hour, she asked me.
Yes I got it now don't make me more late I am going.
Wang Ruoxi smiled and said while looking at me that you don't need vitamin D you only have deficiency of vitamin X and vitamin Y.
I smiled and said got it and left the room. I know what she was pointing towards and yes indeed it is right I really have the deficiency of those vitamins but I didn't know that deficiency will ever be fulfilled or not.
While leaving my thoughts completely here I am headed towards the bus stop where I stand there and wait for the bus to arrive. Till then I said to myself that after today just one more day to go just one more and then all my happiness will get faded away again and my life will become dull as before. He'll get busy in his work and career and Zhao Shiza will again be left alone without him so my day dreaming era for him is going to come back, I said it to myself. Meanwhile the bus arrived....