'Sehyun, I like you a lot, please accept my token of love.'
My reply had always been blunt. "I have no interest in you, sorry."
I had never liked girls.Never had interest in them. I've always been attracted to boys for a very long time.
But….
I had no idea if what I felt when I looked at a beautiful boy was love or admiration.
Therefore, I had never made a confession—Never thought of it.
That was why…
Nine Years Ago.
I was seated in the living room—kneeling rather. My hands on my thigh folded together. My eyes were glued to the scattered pictures on the floor—pictures of different boys I'd taken without their consent. I wasn't stalking them, I only admired them.
My parents sat in front of me. My father had a solemn expression. He hadn't said a word since he'd found the pictures I had stashed away in a box underneath my bed. Was he mad? Disappointed? I couldn't tell
I wondered how he'd found it. But then, rumors had been circulating. He would've heard them definitely. Would've grown suspicious.
'Lee Sehyun's been taking pictures of men. Perverse pictures.'
Perverse? This…was what I considered beautiful. There were just pictures of them sleeping, eating, laughing doing things they normally did.
How did it become perverse? Because I'd taken them without their permission?
Why did any of that matter?
I meant no harm… I was only—
"Sehyun, you're into boys?" My father's cold voice resounded through the dead silent room.
It didn't sound like a question. It was more like a confirmation. Cold sweat slid down my forehead on to the back of my palm.
If looks could burn, I'd have burnt those pictures to ash. It seemed to be the only way I could keep them from the prying eyes of the world.
Eyes that didn't understand what I did.
"Father I—"
He didn't let me finish. "Explain the pictures then. Why did you take such pictures of them?!" His voice rised but I couldn't even find mine.
Such pictures? He made it sound as if I'd committed something worthy of capital punishment.
"I took them because I admired them."
He laughed sarcastically. "Admired? You expect me to believe that? Are you aware how into the mud you've dragged the family?"
There again with the family honor. Was that more important than my emotions?
My mother who'd been silent the whole time spoke up her voice cracking. It was obvious she was on the verge of breaking down. She'd always bragged about me saying 'a goodlooking son like me would have a beautiful girlfriend.'
My guess, her friends must've heard about it. Must've taunted her.
"Son, look at me, you're not into males right."
My head slowly raised to meet hers. She searched my eyes desperately looking for a confirmation. She found it. Neither a yes nor a no. She saw confliction. I watched as her shoulders trembled, she broke into tears.
My father moved to console her. He stared at me with disain. Like I wasn't his offspring. Like I was a monster.
He hated me.
I froze. His stare imprinted in my soul. I could never forget it.
I had done nothing wrong. I only admired so why?
WHY?!
Was I so detestable?
****
I packed my bag following after him silently. My heart beating so fast I was on the verge of hyperventilating.
This was a perfect time for a confession right?
If this were years earlier, I wouldn't dare consider it.
But now, I couldn't bear it. I didn't want to live with any regrets.
We arrived at the rooftop. Sensei had already brought the lunchboxes over. I wondered how he always made time to bring them up here. He was always busy with something.
"I tried a new recipe today, I'm excited for Sehyun to try this out." He walked over to the bench and began unboxing.
I stood behind him unable to move. I trembled slightly my hands reaching in my bag taking the wrapped box out.
"S-sensei…" I called my voice weaker than I intended.
"Hmn?" Sensei half turned to look at me. "What's it?"
"I-I-I, well…"
Auntie's words drifted to my mind.
'its best to let the other know how you're feeling.'
Seeing how I fumbled for words, Sensei turned fully his brows knotting a concerned expression on his face. "Sehyun, what's bothering you?" He asked walking towards me.
Every step he took sounded like a countdown. If I didn't confess till he stopped infront of me, I'd never be able to muster courage to speak again.
My palms greased with sweat. It was now or never.
"Sensei, actually I like you a lot!" I stretched the box forward half bowing.
Sensei's steps halted. "Sehyun, what are you doing?" He asked. I sensed the panic in his voice.
This was where I laughed and brushed it off as a joke. It was evident Sensei wasn't interested but I wasn't going to give up. Not now, Sensei was different.
Sensei liked being around me.
Sensei cared for me.
I was fully aware of where my heart belonged. It belonged with him.
"Actually, I've wanted to say this for a very long time. I like Sensei. Alot." I slowly raised my head to meet his hoping to catch his expression. What message his eyes passed but as I did, I froze.
Sensei stared at me as if I'd said something so outrageous. Something he refused to comprehend. That look in his eyes, it made me want to run away and hide from the world.
My chest tightened.
If this were someone else perhaps it wouldn't hurt this much but this was someone I wanted.
This was Sensei.
I stood up straight taking a step towards him my hand reaching out to touch him. He avoided it taking a step back. "Don't come any closer. J—just stay where you are."
My lashes trembled. My breath wavering it all seemed to progress to fast for me to follow.
I took another step towards him. My voice breaking. "Sensei I—"
"Lee Sehyun!" He yelled his chest heaving.
My body shook paralyzed with fear.
Sensei had never shouted at me before. My throat constricted. It was hard to breathe.
I was suffocating.
He must've noticed his shaken I was by his outburst. He closed his eyes trying to calm down. "I—I need to think." He turned and began packing the lunchboxes.
I stood watching him unable to bring myself to move. He finished packing and walked past me. I heard the door open behind me, then I heard his voice. Cold and mirthless. "I wasn't expecting this from you."
Slam!
The door banged shut behind me.
Sensei….Sensei
I clutched my shirt gasping for air. Right now, even breathing proved difficult.
My world upturned. What was I expecting? I deserved this for wanting to be greedy. I deserved this for desiring someone I shouldn't have.
My vision darkened. Thunder rumbled above me. The heavens seemed to be mocking me.
The once clear sky I saw hours ago turned dark and grey. Rain pattered down. Every drop harsh and cold.
I needed to get out of here.
I scrambled towards the exit dashing outside. I ran down the stairs and out of the school with frenzied movements.
The rain poured nonstop. Water blurred my vision, I heard nothing except for his voice.
'I wasn't expecting this from you.'
Those words reminded me of that day.
The day I ceased to be offsprings of my parents.
The day I was considered hideous.
I had no idea how I arrived at home. I stood in the barren courtyard my eyes gazing towards the heavens. My clothes soaked in rain. They clung to my body like the harsh reality.
Sensei never liked me.
my gaze trailed to the sheets handing on the laundry wire. I laughed bitterly.
I… shouldn't have confirmed those feelings. I should've let them remain bottled up. At least then it wouldn't hurt this much.
It hurt so bad I felt nothing but the pain.
I dragged my feet towards the laundry wire and began packing the sheets.
It hurt.
My shoulders trembled.
Sensei's rejection hurt more than anything.
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks like a torrent. My knees finally caved in. I crashed to the ground.
The look in Sensei's eyes. I finally understood it.
Sensei hated me.
So, this was what rejection felt like.