My obsession must have started around that time...
I was stopped in my thoughts because my stomach was about to turn over from the movements of the train. I was really throwing up, and Mom seemed desperate when I told her.
I ended up throwing up under everyone's disgusted gaze, into a plastic bag, while she hid her face with her hands, covered in shame.
-It stinks, throw it away.
-Where?
The journey was exhausting, as much for me as for her.
In the end, I had affection for Jianyu, yes, when he was here, I no longer existed for Mom, and she left me alone.
The problem is that he won't arrive for a while since he decided to leave by car with some boxes... I'm trapped with Mom for another three good hours
I kept scratching myself like a madman while cleaning my face, so much so that when I came back people wondered if I had fleas. I put those wandering hands in the pockets of my baggy pants when I returned to my seat, or rather my prison.
-You know that Muyang is the head of the high school soccer club where are you going to go?
-Oh really...
-You who love soccer so much, you should ask him to accept you into the club.
-Yeah...I prefer to concentrate on studying. I'll see if I have time.
I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily and get myself even deeper into an endless interrogation by telling him that I hadn't touched a ball since I left and that I was afraid of only speaking to Muyang out of obligation, which meant ignoring him three-quarters of the time. I couldn't accept having left him; if he had done the same thing, I would have been very angry, and I'm not ready to get over the emotional turmoil when I'm eaten up by my own.
There's no guarantee that I'll send him away either.
-Didn't you have any other friends to go see?
-Friends? I don't remember them.
Well, that was it until I saw the only game I had installed on my phone while I was browsing on the screen. I leaned against the armrest and cut the skin around my nails with my teeth, watching him carefully until my finger bled through my mouth. It was the game I played with Rui, and I had often hesitated to contact him again through it when I saw how often he connected...
Maybe he didn't want to see me either, given the way we broke up. I even wondered if we had ever been a real couple.
In short, this trip was endless, exhausting, and really scary. I had vomited three times into a small bag that my mother rushed to throw in the trash before anyone saw us
I was staggering downstairs, on the verge of collapsing, when she forced me to go get the suitcases. I had less arm strength than her, but I still did the dirty work. The worst part was that she had really compacted the most things inside.
-Let's go, or we'll miss the bus. You don't want to wait twenty minutes in the sun, do you!
Finally, we were waiting twenty minutes in the sun in front of the bus stop with her big suitcase and my backpack. I looked around, not recognizing anything about this place, which was completely normal because I had never set foot in this station.
-How about calling a taxi? You'd be more comfortable, you who don't like crowds.
-Crowds don't bother me.
-You tap your foot as soon as it gets a bit crowded.
I sighed, smiling; it was funny that she noticed that. She was a very self-centered and difficult person to get along with. The only thing Jianyu must have liked about her was her beauty.
I watched him reapply lipstick with a mirror while waiting for the taxi this time.
Apparently they had bought a big house closer to the city center, where there were the shops, cafes, and restaurants, the neighborhood a bit hip
I don't know if it was to get away from the memories that reminded her of Dad or just because the location of the house mattered to her, but honestly, I was hoping it was the latter; I was more than tired of her pretending that Dad's death traumatized him.
The worst part was, they hadn't chosen any old house; it had a pool and a view of the green quarter of the city. A luxury shack worthy of a well-paid marketing director.
Everything was just like I remembered, the same ice cream parlor, the same barbecue restaurant, the same clothing stores, and the karaoke place on the corner always had the same cashier, haha.
My mother tugged my arm to hurry instead of stopping in front of every sign. She seemed in a hurry to get me home when I'd planned to revisit the neighborhood to get over my nausea.
-Change your clothes before you go out. You look crazy in that sweater in 95°F heat.
-Well, maybe I am crazy.
-Just obey your mother.
She would nudge me behind the head with the side of her hand, and I knew she wouldn't give in. I just wore a short-sleeved T-shirt with a crew neck, hiding my chest but not the highest brands.
I didn't care if she saw those, as long as she didn't see my chest
-W-What's that in your neck?!
-Don't worry, Mom, it's just the material from the previous T-shirt that was itching me all trip. It'll go away.
She was overwhelmed by my behavior since we left this morning. I went upstairs to visit what she said was her bedroom... it was a large, spacious room with a terrace overlooking the street and a bay window overlooking the pool on the other side. There were just curtains to separate the rooms.
What suited me was that I had a small bathroom just for me.
I had barely unpacked some clothes that I had put in the wardrobe when I heard the doorbell ring downstairs. I looked out from the terrace, winced, and went back inside to play dead, scratching my chest through my top.
-Mei! I'm so happy to see you again, my dear!
-If you only knew how much I missed you! It must not have been all rosy for you, but I prayed every day.
My mother started yelling my name for me to come down. I was going to give her a little bruise with my marks, so I put my turtleneck sweater back on just to greet her and go back up.
-I still remember my little tanned potato with short hair. What's he like now?
-If he decided to come down, you might see him with your own eyes. He must be wearing his headphones...
Mom called my phone, thinking I'd connected my headphones, and I had to go this time because she'd ruined my excuse.
-Don't make a big deal out of it. The city has made him very pale, but that's his natural skin color.
-Pale...? Like...white?
I went downstairs and came with my best memory and my little glasses. Auntie hadn't changed; she was still the same one who cuddled me three years ago.
-Hello, Aunt Mei. You've gotten younger in three years.
She stared into my eyes, saying nothing...ah...
I ended up scratching myself again when she didn't respond. In the end, she just took me in her arms without saying anything, her whose stomach I touched when she cuddled me, today I could feel her hair on my chin with a good scent of flowers still emanating from it.
-I missed you so much, Feng Yu.
-You too, Auntie.
-Ugh...
She started to cry while holding my T-shirt tightly in her arms, apologizing several times for not being able to contain her tears. At that moment, I stared at Mom, bothered and even more sorry when I realized what she had done not only to me but also to Aunt Mei.
-Wow...it's the emotion haha!
-Don't worry, Auntie.
-You've changed so much that I wouldn't have recognized you. You look like your dad.
She caressed my face but froze after talking about my father. Honestly, it didn't do it anymore nothing, it was when Mom told me about her illness that I took it badly.
Mom told me to go back up and unpack my things because Jianyu was going to arrive with the moving truck and all my things.
They had already furnished the place, fortunately, but... it was missing something. I didn't feel at home. It was like I was on vacation...
I was unpacking my boxes while listening to Mom talking with Jianyu downstairs.
They were complaining about the bad weather because it was going to rain non-stop for three days. As for me, that wasn't going to stop me from going sightseeing and it reduced the chances of running into someone I knew.
-Come eat!
They had a feast delivered to celebrate the move, but I was pale with exhaustion after packing my things in no time and spending a good hour connecting my computer because I couldn't find the plug adapter
-So? Do you like this new house?
-It's certainly better than the ones I've seen before.
Besides, it's not that far from the high school if I remember correctly.
-That's cool then! Come on, let's drink.
I continued to scratch my chest and, that night, put on a scarf to avoid tearing the skin on my neck. It would be annoying if I brought those clothes all summer.
I got up around 2:00 a.m. to watch a movie now that I had a TV in my room and went back to bed without success, so I took my cushion and went out onto the terrace to stare at the sky. I had arrived here at the beginning of June, so I hadn't been able to finish my year...
I wanted to go back to school only for September, but Mom didn't agree. I had one month left to go, and I still had a week off even though it was already Tuesday.
I ended up falling asleep on my balcony a few hours before going to bed to finish my night
The city was buried under the deluge. I hadn't done anything for a day except reread my lessons on my computer and spin around in my chair...
I could only see the high school students coming back from school with their bags on their heads, running with their friends and jumping in the puddles...
Muyang and I had never done this kind of thing. He always had an umbrella in his bag and would hold me close to share it. Those were sweet, warm moments that I will never forget; the proof was that I always kept an umbrella with me, whether the weather was nice or gray, it was always at the bottom of my bag.
-Feng, would you like a snack?
-No thanks, Mom!
I opened the door leading to the balcony and felt the drops of water hitting the tiles until they bounced off my hands and socks as I sat quietly sniffing the smell of tar emanating from outside. Jianyu had left for work early this morning, and Mom was finishing packing up her things and cutting fruit. When I came downstairs wearing a black raincoat, she didn't ask any questions but rather judged me with her eyes, as if I had gone crazy wanting to
go out in this downpour.
-Go to the supermarket and buy me some frying oil.
-I don't have my wallet.
-Go get it!!
I finally managed to get out, putting on my sneakers and taking my umbrella as a precaution after taking it out of my bag.
I didn't want to stay locked in this house any longer; I was unable to breathe or move. The safest thing for me was to go out to pass the time.
I wanted to scratch myself, but the raincoat prevented me, so I unconsciously opened it. The water got against my T-shirt and stuck to my skin. It was very cold and unpleasant.
While walking, I stopped in front of the internet cafe to look inside. I knew what I was looking for, but I didn't want to go talk to him even if I saw him. Rui Han already spent his time here at the middle school; he was probably still rooted there
When I entered the supermarket, I didn't recognize the salesman but smiled at him like a tourist who had nothing to do all day.
-Do you have any bandages?
-What size?
-The biggest one you have.
I was already soaked, and the plastic bag I let dangle from my fingers was filling with icy drops of water. The weather was chaotic, as much as the air was boiling, but the cold rain made it uncomfortable; I can't say how some people can like summer rains... how could Dad like them?
He always described summer rains as the time for little creatures to protect their babies, and he forced me to come home in his arms when it was already hot. Maybe the summer rain was the only time he could feel free because the sun was hidden by the clouds and his skin was no longer at risk
I sat on a bench in the park where I always went to play when I was little. It was empty and everything was soaked, the environment muffled by the sounds of dripping water hitting the softened ground to prevent the children from hurting themselves if they fell.
The slide, the swings... the whale that I had engraved in the metal of the small tunnel with Muyang.
I got up and continued to visit each memory as if I were living it. Every trace of my existence, with Dad and me... with Muyang, it was like walking on a path carved by my footsteps and seeing again what I had smelled, touched, tasted, and what had helped me become who I am...or rather, condemned me in a way.
-Hey you...
I bent down to pet this wet dog with dirty, wet fur running down the middle of the street looking for food.
I remembered, during my childhood, there were a lot of stray dogs in this city because they bred quickly. We were even the subject of an article in the newspaper; our animal rescue center was full to bursting.
I took this weak dog in my arms, and he didn't show the slightest reluctance. I knew then that I wanted this dog and let him follow me to the convenience store I had just left.
The man would look up from his phone and then back down again. I think he was afraid of me in a way.
I took all kinds of food and put them in my bag full of water before leaving with the dog following me. I was probably the only customer of the day in this weather...
Seeing me with the dog, soaking wet, Mom fainted.
-What's this?! Get rid of this mutt!
-Mom, I already adopted him.
-What do you mean? You want to bring him into this house?! That's out of the question.
She closed the door behind him, but I kept smiling and took off my shoes before going to get a black towel from the bathroom.
-Mom. It would make me really happy to have this dog.
-There are limits, Feng Yu!
-And taking care of a small, abandoned animal is one of them?
-If you want a dog, get a nice one!
I carried the dog to my room, ignoring her complaints. She was terribly afraid of dogs, so she didn't go near me, deciding to call Jianyu at work to tell him. Without success because he loved dogs and seemed willing as long as it made me happy.
I could hear him fighting on the phone because of me...
-Now you have to be as good as me, otherwise you'll go back to the street.
-Uuuh.
-I'll go to the street with you if she kicks you out, don't worry.
I dried him off in the bathroom and stripped him completely naked because all my clothes were wet.
This dog was the first to see the scars and my still oozing wounds on my chest. He was now my best friend... he will share my pain and my emotions as much as he can...
In the evening, Jianyu came home all happy with things for the dog. He was delighted that I was adding a little spice to our new life with a pet.
-What are you going to name him?
-I don't know yet...
-Let me take him to the vet tomorrow. We'll deworm him.
-Yes...
The dog seemed to like Jianyu a lot. It was because he was a good person... Even I noticed it right away. Mom might not have been the nicest, but she only attracted good guys; good for her, I want to say, but poor husband... Dad used to cower in front of her except when it concerned me; that was the only time he stood up to her.
-You should give him a name.
-But you came up with it.
-I don't have any ideas, so do it.
He looked at the brown dog, then narrowed his eyes and let him lick his hands.
-Why not grizzly. I always wanted a dog named grizzly.
-Then he'll be called grizzly.
I had let Jianyu choose his name in the end. I didn't feel like I had the entire responsibility for a life, so I hoped he would take care of it too.
That night, although he had advised me to make him sleep on a blanket because of the parasites and dirty hair, I took him next to me in my bed and he slept against my body. It was the first time in so long that I felt the breathing of a human being next to me, in my bed... Muyang... the last person I had slept with was Muyang... I scratched myself, but the scarf brought me back to my senses, and I moved my hand where it couldn't be seen, where it was hidden from prying eyes like my mother's.
In the morning, Jianyu patted my shoulder gently to wake me up.
I hadn't yet opened my eyes when, softly, he said:
-I'm going to take Grizzly to the vet and the groomer.
-Ah...yeah...that...
-See you later.
Since I was sweating, before leaving with Grizzly, he was taking my scarf and removed it from around my neck to leave it at the foot of my bed.
I didn't realize what he was doing because I was in a state of latency after my first real night's sleep in three years. I probably needed to not feel alone at night...
I had turned over so he couldn't see my scratches, but he suspected the scarf wasn't there for nothing.
When I woke up, Mom sprayed me with anti-parasite spray, and I could finally eat in a strong odor.
-What don't you make Jianyu do... It was his day off, and he had to go out in the rain for that street dog.
-It's not like I asked him to go...
She rolled her eyes and cleared the table while I still ate. The days here were longer than in the city...which meant I continued to spend my time spinning in circles in my desk chair or lying on my bed waiting for Grizzly to return. It was already noon, and they still hadn't come home.
-Jianyu, you're soaked!
-It's nothing. The rain was pleasant, thanks to that I wasn't too hot.
I was going downstairs to see Grizzly, who already seemed to want to run away to see him at the top of the stairs.
-Well...you're actually all blond.
Jianyu smiled at my mother to show her that this dog wasn't so bad after all, and she couldn't contradict him. He was clean, well-groomed, and his hair had been detangled and cut. A real dog, good enough to pose in a kibble commercial.
-We'll have to walk him at least twice a day, give him access to the garden and the terrace, and feed him well.
-Do you think I can train him to use a litter box?
-Good question. You can try, the vet said he was barely a year old
Even Mother would love him once he was trained, so she needn't worry. It was raining, but I raised the blind to allow him to go for a run without getting caught in the rain. I dried his paws and let him use up his last energy bar before he came and snuggled up next to me, who was quietly reading my manga on the small sofa in the corner of the room.
He was all warm from moving around, and his fur was soft when I stroked him.
-Mei! Did you come in this torrential rain?
-Don't exaggerate, it's not that bad.
-This morning, my husband came back soaking wet. Let me introduce you to him; I'll dislodge him from his office.
Mei...was back?
I was going to go greet her, but Grizzly was behaving strangely; I was getting the idea that he needed to relieve himself.
What should I do when I was stuck at home?
Maybe in the shower...?
I would put him in the shower and leave him there. He would look at me, wagging his tail, but I didn't know...
-Pee...pee here...
-Wwou!
-No, don't go out. Go pee...
I sighed, but I saw him lift his paw and start to pee. Grizzly was definitely a male, so pregnancy problems should be fine. Should I also have him neutered? Or should I leave him like that?
He could already understand me more or less, even if I had to lock myself in the shower. For him to relieve himself, the shower was the easiest to clean while I waited for a litter box.
After that, the dog went down the stairs to see Mei, who had been chatting with Jianyu and Mom for a while.