-Do you know how babies are made?
-N-no.
He stared at my body in the murky but transparent water, realizing that my skin was very white like porcelain except for the areas that could be exposed to the sun.
I clenched my legs when I saw that he was looking, by reflex, but his were bigger than mine. I had lost on one point again...
-That's how babies are made. I thought Aunt Yue had told you about it, but no... she didn't want her son looking at weird things on his phone.
I frowned, but he leaned over me.
-Do you want to make babies with me?
I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
Overwhelmed by the fear of being able to create a baby and not knowing how to hide it from my parents, I expressed my torment to him, and he told me that it was only for girls, that we had the chance of being able to make babies without having babies in the end. I was curious and I agreed...
-It's something only for couples. It's something you must never do with anyone else or you will be punished very severely.
-Very severely? I don't want to do it...
-You won't be punished if you only do it with me. It's something I tested on my own and I want to share it with you.
He kissed me on the mouth for the first time to seal our relationship...my heart was pounding when I got out of the bath next to him. He told me I didn't need clothes, I just had to come onto my bed like that.
He took some paper...and joined me. He didn't have any clothes either; his body was more beautiful and developed than mine
-I love you, Feng. I want us to do everything couples do together. And you?
Honestly, looking at him sitting at the bottom of my bed, illuminated only by the moonlight, and taken by excitation, I blushed and said yes. I had always been a fan of Muyang, I had always wanted him to acknowledge me, he who was so good. Today, he wanted me to belong to him, to be bound to him and for us to perform an act of pure love together. I had already given up Rui for him, I could give him everything, my heart, my mind... I wanted us to be fused.
He touched it and something spurted onto my chest. I stared at the ceiling for a moment, gathering my thoughts... what I had just felt was incredible... even sports had never done that to me
He rubbed his finger against mine, it was really strange, then he put it between my legs, it was very different. Then... when I was very tired, he asked if he could try something with me. Something that would allow him to go all the way.
I said yes, not expecting anything, but he sucked his finger and touched my hole until it was inside. It hurt, but he pushed it deeper while touching the front with his other hand and... when I felt something even more incredible. So this was it... making a baby...?
He was looking at me, rather proud, while I was so embarrassed that he had touched me... Ah... but I wanted to do it again, which he refused, telling me to sleep. It was the first time I had slept naked next to someone, but it was very soft and warm. This was what being in love... the love of a couple.
-Dad is sick again. More than before. So we'll have to go to a bigger city with more hospitals to cure Dad.
My mother made me promise not to tell Muyang because we really had to go. It was imperative, and telling him would cause many problems. We wouldn't be able to leave properly, and it would hurt him as much as it hurt me, even more.
Was it possible to separate from the person you loved the most? From your other half? What would happen to our relationship?
Mom told me I could quickly return to my hometown once Dad was well. The day I left, I just got in the car on Sunday morning and started writing my message to Muyang while crying. I knew he turned off his phone at this time because he was studying, and he wouldn't see my message until I left
Dad, sick, looked at me with a broken heart, crying on my phone, asking my mother if I couldn't stay at Muyang's instead of coming... But she replied coldly that I would have to be there to support him in his recovery. I don't remember the content of the message very well because I had written a novel about how I felt, where I was going, and why I hadn't told him. I just remember this sentence that had broken me without me realizing it: we will be together every day if we think of each other.
I was terrified that he wouldn't think of me, so I called him again and again, hoping that he had exceptionally forgotten to turn off his phone.
Mom just took the phone from me when she saw me panicking and confiscated it by the time we arrived. I was having an anxiety attack for the first time, which I had to keep quiet because it was nothing compared to Dad's suffering, who consoled me by snuggling up to him in the back. Mom was too hard; I had always hidden from her behind my father, but how could I do it...
I never thought he could die
Mom had bought me a new phone and a new SIM card, but I no longer had any contact with my friends, whether it was Rui Han or Muyang. She had thrown my phone in a trash can without my knowledge and pretended to have lost it...
Dad had succumbed to his tumor, and I... I... I felt like I had lost everything...
She was happy, she was starting a new life.
I went to middle school where I didn't know anyone. I remained silent and worked night and day to forget my pain.
Looking at myself in the mirror every morning, I wondered: who is this man?
I had become the spitting image of my father, with Mom's little nose...and shiny black hair. My skin was like that of a vase, sometimes it was gray...and you could see purple lines in certain places. As soon as I ran a finger over it, it turned red. Which I used to do, by the way...all by myself in the morning...before going to school, I would scratch my chest because I liked it to be red, but one day it bled...and it didn't hurt.
-It's Shang Jianyu. A gentleman I met at work, and guess who it was, eh!? My marketing director! He's handsome, eh?
She waved her arms around him, showing him off in his nice suit. He did indeed look like a gentleman, and I forced a smile at him to look good.
-Nice to meet you!
-Nice...too.
Mom stopped waving her arms; she seemed to look for the first time in months, rediscovering her son's face after living at work for over a year.
She saw the same thing as her boyfriend: it wasn't her son, it was something she had created by being selfish.
Dad was dead, buried, and I hadn't been able to go back home. I had started a high school here; I was now 16, and I no longer lived for myself, but for my mother.
-Does your son sleep at night?
He made this comment every time he came over, always more worried. After a year of dating, he came home for the umpteenth time, but this time with some lame excuse to make an announcement. I knew they were going to get married; he didn't need to summon me to dinner for that.
-Is he... sleeping better these days?
-Oh...you know, he works hard to get the level he has at school.
-Don't you think he'll be sad to transfer to a high school with such a low level?
-But no. He's going to cry with joy, I know him.
That evening she told me she had two surprises for me, so the three of us ate in the kitchen. I thought she'd bought me the latest phone like last year, as well as announcing their marriage to make the pill go down better, but her boyfriend was taking an envelope out of his jacket. Pocket money? I was going to be able to buy myself a new computer, or a designer jacket for the winter.
-We're getting married...actually, I was afraid to introduce you to Jianyu...because you know, you loved your dad very much. But after a year, I'm sure you two will get along well because Jianyu is a very good person, he loves children, and...you're a little angel, so why not close a family?
I nodded and smiled. I knew it.
She could do whatever she wanted, I didn't feel concerned. It wasn't as if she was getting married so I would have a father. She was mainly getting married to have a rich husband with whom she could have sex and children freely.
-I wish you the best and I look forward to forming a family with you.
Mom clapped her hands and hummed, but Jianyu didn't seem convinced by my reaction, a little too dictated by the rules of etiquette for her liking. Mom took the envelope from the table, trying to make up for it, but ended up hesitating, her brows furrowed. She, who seemed so confident at the beginning of the meal, had to wait until she had her new husband's hand on her shoulder to support her and give him the train tickets.
-Feng Yu. I've always wanted to apologize for doing this to you. I know how hard it was for you to leave Muyang, and on top of that, I got rid of your phone.
After seeing the destination, I put the three tickets in the envelope and handed it back to her, a distorted look on my face that I was now struggling to hide.g
-Mom, you don't have to blame yourself. At the time, Dad was sick, and you acted accordingly. I lacked maturity, and you taught me to think of others instead of myself. You don't have to apologize.
-Feng Yu, dear...
She took the tickets back with a calm expression but quickly lost her smile when I coldly told her something I never would have thought I'd say three years ago:
-I won't set foot there again.
-Huh? Why?! You were born there, all our memories. I never wanted that either!
I stared at my feet, ashamed of having spoken like that to my mother when she only wanted to please me. I was too ashamed of what I had become to ever show myself to Muyang. He must have grown into a handsome young man and forgotten me; I hoped he wouldn't think of me the way I think of him every day. It gnawed at me, it hurt, it made me want to scratch myself...in the hope of finding that other me who was there before
Every morning, I scratched myself a little more...over and over again. I had skin under my nails. To avoid scratching, I bit my nails, but I scratched even bloody.
A week later, Jianyu came to pick me up from school by car so he could have a private conversation with me. The problem was, he came on the wrong day... That morning, I had scratched a little too much, and the shirt was full of blood. While trying to clean up in the toilet, my shirt had just turned soaked and orange.
-Are you hurt?
-Don't worry, I just had a nosebleed. It happens to me from time to time.
He seemed a little embarrassed, but I smiled whenever he looked at me to make a good impression. I didn't want to be the flaw in their relationship.
-You know, your mother was very surprised when she heard that you didn't want to come back to your hometown. She was even very sad, she thinks it's her fault...
-Well, it is her fault. But I don't blame her. I want her to move on from this and live her life. I want to see her happy...otherwise, I wouldn't be able to be happy either.
He didn't know whether to talk me through it or let me because I spoke so calmly that I seemed to be handling things
-Your mother is happy here, we are both happy, but you don't seem happy at all. She's trying to please you...but nothing...
"Nothing pleases you." I stared at the gray and chaotic landscape of the city, sad and bland... the environment reflected people's lives, it wasn't just a preconceived notion, it was reality.
-The latest Samsung would make me happy. The one that unfolds and becomes a tablet, you see.
-Well...last year's didn't seem to motivate you that much, but if you really want it...
-Are you going to buy it for me?
We'd stop at the store and he'd buy it for me as if he were buying a baguette. It made me happy, and I'd just leave my other phone, which wasn't even a year old, with the saleswoman, telling her to get rid of it.
I'd only get the SIM card back.
-Didn't you have stuff to back up...
-No.
I didn't have anything valuable on it, so I didn't care.
I spent my remaining time in his car testing the features and then simply put it in my pocket once I arrived.
-...actually, don't get upset...there's something we haven't told you.
I stared at him, the door ajar in the parking lot. He was taking a while to decide to speak, so I stuck a leg out to stress him out.
-I asked to be transferred to your hometown with your mother...and it was accepted. So we're moving soon whether you like it or not...
-Oh...then it's no longer up to me to decide. Why did you ask me?
-Trust me, I would never have left without your permi-
I pressed the door of the expensive car, making what he was saying inaudible. I was going to have to go back there no matter what...or I could stay living at my high school's boarding school, but Mom would never agree. That night, I was going to see her as she was packing her bags after receiving Jianyu's call telling her he'd told me everything. No matter how much I asked her for boarding school, she stared at the floor and didn't know what to add.
-Say, do you often get nosebleeds, darling?
-Huh?
She looked at me, her face full of tears, and started to cry in her room, where the light was off and the curtains were drawn. She cried silently in the dark, and I was like a silhouette contrasted by the light, standing in the doorway like the monster in a child's closet who had just been scared.
-Mom. I'm sorry...
I went over to hug her, and she hugged me so tightly...but without any warmth. She was frozen, and her embrace was painful, like a weight she was adding to my shoulders.
I was the monster who made my mother cry, but she was the one who closed the closet door on me
I was suffocating in the closet... I couldn't find any air or light. It was a dark, creaky closet that smelled of old wood, but there were no clothes hanging in it; it was like a little box designed for me. A tiny box... very small... I couldn't grow while I was in it, so I...
After packing my things, I let Jianyu help me get my boxes. Recently, I had made a mistake. I had scratched myself in my sleep, and my neck looked like crap. I was forced to wear turtlenecks in the summer, claiming I was sensitive to sunlight, which my mother couldn't refute given what had happened to Dad.
There was this box filled with old photos, clothes, and mementos that I had shared with Muyang. I had hesitated to get rid of them but finally locked this box in the closet. That was me. I was that box in the closet after all... I was no different than three worthless objects full of old feelings.
-Come on, Feng!
Mom called me before we missed the train. Jianyu, who was supposed to take the car there, had to drive a few extra hours.
I really didn't want to change cities. I, who had dug my lair in this hole of gray buildings, was once again being torn away from a place where I had my bearings.
-What do you think of Jianyu? He's cool, isn't he?
-He's rich. He bought me a new phone.
-Yes. I saw it...you know you disappoint me by always asking for overpriced toys. He also bought you new glasses.
She finally gave them to me, even though I was tired of having round ones. They were finally square and made of black iron. When I put them on, the world became brighter, but we quickly entered a tunnel where I was plunged into darkness again.
By reflex, I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to scratch myself as long as my mother couldn't see.
-Mom, we could have gone by plane anyway.
-For a three-and-a-half-hour train ride? Damn it, Feng
I kept scratching myself without thinking about it, which I did almost all the time in small doses, when I didn't have my fingers in my mouth to bite my nails. I tapped my foot on the floor very quickly, which seemed to annoy Mom, so I put my leg over the other with a smile on my face that meant: sorry.
Looking at my phone made me feel sick, so I closed it, decided to get up to go to the bathroom, but turned back the way I came to get my phone, which I'd left on the seat.
-You're still so hyperactive. Jianyu thinks you're quiet, but what are you doing?
-Sorry, Mom.
-Go to the bathroom, hurry up.
There was a small mirror in the bathroom. I took the opportunity to look at myself for a while and even grimace to entertain him. It was a bit difficult, a train journey. The last time I took the train was in Japan, with Muyang. I accidentally dropped my phone while pulling down my pants, and the screen cracked on the floor. It was my fault; I hadn't put on a protective glass or a case...
-Brand new...tsk...
Mom was going to kill me if she saw that. I'd only had it for three weeks at most...
So I came out of the bathroom with a smile, my hand around my neck.
Now that she had the chance to observe her son for hours, she found him looking like the little Feng Yu she knew again.
Hyperactive, with pink lips and big gray eyes, plus damn white skin that had cost her her husband's life. She kept sighing, especially when she saw him scratching me. She would violently grab my arm to pull it towards my thigh, saying that I was reaching for it.
-You'll change your T-shirt when you get here. I don't want to see you in that ridiculous sweater anymore.
-Sorry, Mom.
She also grabbed my phone to stop me from looking at it all the time... she wanted a moment alone with me... oh... I didn't know how to approach her anymore, so I looked into her eyes... I wanted to stamp my foot and scratch myself so much that all I could think about was that. The fact that she wasn't talking to me either made the situation more complicated for me, so I took my AirPods out of my bag
-No!
I put them away, staring at her again. It looked like she was scolding a seven-year-old who was trying to take his toys out to the restaurant, what was his problem? A child would start screaming behind me, and my eyebrows would curl. The tension was palpable, like a virus wandering through the condensed air of the train car; it didn't budge an inch when I jammed my hands in my pockets.
-How tall are you now?
-I have no idea... I should measure myself when I get there...
-You've grown a lot, Feng. I've worked too hard these past few years...
-Never apologize for working. I'm proud to have a mother who works so much.
She didn't seem to understand my compliment and turned it back on me with a provocative look. Whether she liked it or not, I leaned my head against the window and put my headphones in my ears, turning the volume up loud
I would fall asleep with heavy metal in my ears and a frozen tile on my temple. As I drooled, Mom would spray mist on my face to wake me up from the sleep I was catching up on from my sleepless nights to revise useless subjects. It wasn't for nothing that I was in the top 100. Even an empty head like me could become a light with a little non-stop work.
-When we arrive, don't embarrass me in front of Mei. Smile and put on a summer T-shirt. I don't want her to think you're crazy.
-Mei? The mom in Muyang?
I looked around at the other passengers to get away from Mom's gaze and unintentionally started scratching my chest again.
-Will you stop that? It's not possible...
Even though she leaned over to slap my hand, I wasn't going to stop. She knew all this was making me nervous... all the memories I had with Dad are there... apparently Muyang came to Dad's funeral, but I didn't see him... it was the only time I could have apologized to him, but I didn't look for him when Mom warned me. I just stared at the coffin without saying a word and started scratching myself without realizing it. My obsession must have started around that time...