My head was pounding hard . Nausea rose in me like waves and fell with the chillness of fear .
It was like I was getting sick .
Liam.....Liam ...Liam ...he was - I could not even bear to think of the word .
" The parties were the places Mathilda used to introduce me . As my father watched men and women would -," he struggled ," They would do things - I thought that since father was alright with me , they were normal. But it was like poisonous insects were crawling on my skin , each time they would touch . Everything hurt , everything burnt ....
I started thinking that I was just a sack of meat ball . My body - it was just there and I was not there . I could just hide in the corner of my mind until it was over . But I hated returning back to the body those people had touched . So I would wash and wash but the sensation of their fingers around me would not leave . I despised that .
Mother ....she would look horrified everytime I would come back . Back then , though, I was doing worse things that sleeping with strangers .
Father would take me to his friends but also to his enemies. One that he had bound on chair with nails stabbed on their feet . Father would teach me the best way to hurt them .
I treated them like meatballs . I thought myself as one . The body .....I believed did not hold me .
The only place I was existing was in your dance studio .
It was then I met Lady Lin , also known by Linda Martim , Mathilda's close friend who was obsessed with Rupert Hunter.
But being a married man , Rupert could not be wholly hers . Father never thought about leaving us . He gave Lin his body but nothing more than that.
Lin then wanted the closest thing that was similar to Rupert that she could get - it was me .
Soon the visiting in the parties became often a place to meet with Lin.
Lin was in her twenties , earning a huge sum of money after her grandfather who was investing in various oil fields died and father had helped her to use a glitch in the law to get the whole property under her name . That was why Lin treated him like a god .
And Lin ....she wanted me all to herself.
At that time , I had stopped to care about the people my father brought . Cause everyone and everything hurted the same . Lin , however , was different.
She was treating me to dinner , talking about my studies and asking anout every tiny details of my life - even you .
Lin ....she knew about you . I was scared of that . I tried to hide as much as I could about you . I did not want her to hurt you like that .
But Lin liked foreplaying too much . Someday she would leave me in a deep fridger . And I had to - I had to beg her to come and save me . Someday she would leave me standing in cold water or chained me in a room full of dogs that could almost bite my head off .
Each time , I had to beg for her to come , call her goddess and say how much I wanted to sleep with her . Only that way ,I would be invited in her bedroom to serve her .
But Lady Lin, she hated her face ....so every meeting with her had to be with my eyes bound shut by ribbon.
It was a torture since with my eyes closed, my senses would become sharper . Each brush of her hand would sting my skin more , each motion , each breath was suffocating me more .
In other times , I could look at some other objects and pretend that I was that . But with Lin , I was caged in my own body , while everything was happening , I -"
" Liam ," I gasped . It was like he was actually choking ," Let's stop now . Let's stop ."
" No, no ," he hiccupped ," If I can't tell you now , I feel like I never can ."
I was in tears watching him suffer . But it had taken a lot of his courage to talk about it to me . I wanted to give him the time for him to speak about it that he deserved .
" Her voice ....I would always remember that. That voice which told me again and again that what we had was love . I was suffocating cause with Lin there ,I could not longer pretend that I was not in the body . At times ,I would wonder what would happen if I could just bring in my father's gun. If I can not shoot her , maybe I can just shoot myself and then the pain would stop .
I would have ....God ...I would have ...but mother told me to get a better revenge.... I started hiding a small camera in my glass each time I would go to those parties . Everyone knew who my father was , so security did not dare to check on me . Even when I was fed pills so I would be drowsy all night , I still would wear my fake glasses , sometimes my mother's locket that she begged my father to make me wear one as a protection charm .....atfirst I would just wear a normal locket to clear my father suspiciousness but after a while there would be the camera and recorder .
My father obviously never trusted my mother . But he never thought that I would be the one to betray him like that .
When the news of my father came and he ran away , Lin came for me .
Outside my house ,a black Royce stood on afternoon . A butler dressed in white shirt and black trouser came inside the house to inform my mother that Lady Lin was there to pick me up . My mother started shouting and threatening to call police . I quietly left the house to see the car .
I knew that she was watching me from behind the black window glass .
That was the first time , I shot a gun by my own will .
I could hear a woman yelp inside . I was just upset that she was not dead . So I wanted to shoot a second time .
But my mother did not let me do that .
Lin ...she left after that . But when I debuted again , she sent me an email that she was back in the country and wanted to meet up .
I knew that her men would reach me sooner than she will. And I did not want her to find out about you again.
That was why I kept my distance from you . I was frustrated that you still will not let go of me . I was scared that eventually Lin would trace my phone and know about you and hurt you and I will not be able to do anything about it . I even called the police so you would leave me .
I knew that you will hate me after that . But ....I could not lose you ...not to Lin ...not to anybody ."