" Lin ....she left after seeing the Dane family fall . The media never showed the news of our engagement and you debuted after that .
I thought that this time I could have truly have you . No matter , the secrecy we had to sign for . But you .....you were gone.
When I came back for you . You had already started losing your mind . It was my fault . I knew how desparate your father was getting with the debts pilling up . I knew that you were up like an object in an auction in the marriage market . But I did not realise how bad the situation was .
It ...it took a while for you to start behaving normal again . But you stopped looking at me with the warmth you used to do . I knew that you were upset with me . And I was wrong . So I could not exactly blame you or force you into anything. I wanted you to live freely ."
" You ....you were the one avoiding him ," I sobbed ," I even cooked for you on your birthday but you never appreciate it ."
" Julia," his voice was soft like clouds ," I was worried that your father was pressuring you to butter up to me . I did not want you to do those things . There were unnecessary since you will always have my heart . I wanted you to concentrate on things that you love , like your career and friends ."
" I loved you ! ," how stupid he had to be for me to explain that ," I never could hate you. Don't you already know that ?"
He took in a shaky breath ," I still don't understand.....I don't deserve your love . I don't deserve to be with you like this . ....Julia , I wish that I could be normal like other husbands . I wish that I could show my love and treat you the way you deserve. But sometimes it is confusing for me how to actually act around you . I don't want to pressure you and I am scared that I might break you someday . That's why I used to try to keep as much distance as possible. I was brought up by a monster ...even I question my sanity and my morality . How can I bear to be around you when I am broken like this ?"
It was not like I had never questioned his sanity . When he had called the national security team cause I had just gone out of the country without telling him , each time he threatened carrying me or his sudden warmth that would turn into freezing cold the next second , some senseless boundaries - everything about them was hapazardly arranged .
I gently circles my fingers around his thumb ," But you are here now with me , that is enough ."
" But what if I hurt you again ?"
" Then I have to tell you that it hurts and you will stop , won't you ?"
" Yes ."
" And I will also keep asking you why you are doing things that you are doing , and you have to answer them , alright ."
" Yes.....yes...I will try ."
" Mira Palmer...you knew that she was a fake hairess , right ?"
My question shoved him back to the silence.
I was scared that he was going to hide himself again.
But after a while , he answered ," Yes ."
" Alright ," I did not want to push him .
I was already guilty enough to threaten him to talk to me . But I was scared that if he kept taking in all by himself, he would really die this time .
" Did she approach you ?," I asked in a voice that was like a whispher .
" Yes ," he said ," She thought that as long as her face had changed , I would not remember her ."
I tried my best to not burst into tears again . I could not fall apart yet . I needed to hold him close .
" What did she ask if you ?"
" She- she wanted to date me...I was confused at first . Cause clearly , she had a different identity. But I can never forget Lin. I remember her breath , her scent , her voice , her posture - they were eerily similar to Palmer . I knew that it was Lin . But Lin did not have any relative here . I also knew that Palmers have a daughter that was living abroad to get treatment. That daughter suddenly coming back and debuting in popular movies was astonishing . Palmer should be twenty three ,it was already unheard of getting massive roles after just debuting . People were assuming that it was because she was the daughter of CEO of Summit and Co., but still it could not explain the massive influence she had on everything around her .
There was no questions on her . No childhood pictures licked , no friends , no history - Palmer appeared as a mysterious actress and honestly....her acting is not even that good for her debut ....the more I saw her , the more I knew that it was Lin . There was already rumour about Palmer having plastic surgery and it was pretty obvious but I never expected such a drastic change on Lin.
I knew that Lin would come back for me ...and she did . She lied about her age , her identity....but I let her . I knew that if not for father's influence, she could not get back here again. Everything about her was wrong .
So I played her game .
I gave her what she wants ."
I clung to his arms . Fear choked my throat , I could not imagine what he was going through to take a descision like that .
" You are crazy ," I whispered.
" I had no choice ," his voice trembled in pain ," I knew that Lin's arrival here means father was getting his circle back again but I could not let that happen . I needed the information. But Lin...she is too cautious. I don't know how long I can hold on against her ."
" That night , you got sick ," I took in a shaky breath," Dr. Ravesh said that you were suffering from PTSD ."
" Yeah ," he went silent for a while ,"Lin kissed me that night ."
" Oh ," I closed my mouth so he would not hear me whimper. It was as if there was acid dripping down my ribcage , my throat .
I could not imagine the strength he had needed to do all that .
To walk back to the hell by himself .
I wrapped my arms around him . He trembled like a scared child . The horror of the nightmare was never ending to him.
" Each day I feel like I was losing myself piece by piece . Her fingerprints won't go away no matter how much I wash ," he confessed.
I remembered him lying in the bathtub , I remembered him smiling down at me at the corridor. The sadness he had tried so hard to suppress by himself, now was flowing out .
" Then you got sick . I- I thought that if anything happens to you I have to shoot myself but - then I also have to protect my mother and my sister ," Liam's voice was barely a whispher now ," I don't like her touch Julia , I don't like how she looks at me . Everything she does hurts me ."
" You did not have to do this alone ," I was trying my best to not start sobbing again ," You could have told me . We , together could have figured it out ."
" I could not , I was scared that if you know how dirty I am you will really leave me and go away ."
His logic was like a knife twisting inside my heart . I had always threatened him with leaving , telling him what an awful man he was , calling him a cheater , calling him a bastard - all while not knowing the burden he was carrying alone .