NEFERTARY
¿Esto es lo que llaman sentir?
I had arrived at the mansion. I hadn't said a word... not a single one had left my mouth. My tears just wouldn't stop—they had a will of their own. No matter how much I didn't want them to fall, it was... it was completely inevitable.
—You need to take a shower.
Mathias's voice pulled me back to reality. He'd been by my side the whole way. I avoided looking him in the face because... he was looking at me like I was breakable... and that made me feel useless. I knew he was worried, but I just couldn't. When my father died... it hurt—God, it hurt. But now, it doesn't. This... this feels like being burned alive, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Since I didn't say anything, Ludwig led me to the bathroom. Once inside, he began undressing me before guiding me into the shower. The water didn't take long to fall and soak me through. My body shivered, though it didn't fight back. I fixed my eyes on the floor, watching the mixture of mud and blood swirl down the drain.
Mathias started soaping me down to wash away the grime. The image of Demir in Ludwig's arms flooded my mind again—watching that light fade from his eyes, watching his life slip out of my hands, unable to stop it... and leaving him there... it's not fair... it's not fair that the one thing I care about most in this shitty life... always gets ripped away from me.
I felt Ludwig's arms wrap around me, clothes soaked. Apparently, I was no longer just crying silently—I was sobbing. But how could I be conscious now? How could I not lose myself in the memories?
—How do I stop feeling, Mathias? —I whispered.
—You can't, Serene. You just live... you learn to carry the pain. It won't leave. It'll stay with you... it's going to hurt even more than now, but it's your choice whether you drown in it or rise...
I didn't reply. I had nothing to say back, nothing to argue... just nothing. 'Why should anything matter now?'
Once I calmed down, Ludwig picked up where he left off. When he finished, he wrapped me in a towel and helped me out of the shower. He said something, but I didn't really hear it. My feet just kept walking until I was in front of the bed. My body, on autopilot, sat down and then dropped back. My eyes locked onto the ceiling.
All I felt was a massive emptiness. I could stay like this for hours, days, months—just watching time pass while I stayed in airplane mode. I still refused to accept that it was the last time I'd hear his voice calling me his North Pole in Russian, feel his lips on mine, his hands exploring me like it was always the first time, and above all, that sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me. 'How am I supposed to live without that? How am I supposed to get up when everything around me feels heavier than it should?'
"Ten months earlier
I had taken a flight to Russia—Cheboksary, to be exact—just for a weekend. I can't believe it. He gets admitted again and ruins all the plans we had for Florence.
When I called and his mom answered, saying the bare minimum as usual, I wasn't sure if she hated me or was just that indifferent with everyone.
It's ironic that Osoclu can even tolerate her attitude, her disdain. She only cares about one person: her eldest son, the one buried underground after an "incident." Maybe she's drowning in eternal grief, ignoring the fact that she has another son still alive who needs her. His father, on the other hand, can't be running his wife's company, taking care of Demir, and handling his own life all at once. As much as we'd like to split ourselves in three, it's just not possible.
As soon as the plane landed, I grabbed my things and got out of there, going through all the exit protocols just to grab a cab to the hotel I'd booked.
The moment I turned off airplane mode, a flood of notifications from my mother popped up. She wasn't even home. When I bought that same-day ticket, I just grabbed my stuff and left. It's not like it's the first time. 'When is that woman going to understand she'll never fully control me?'
At the airport entrance, I caught one of the usual cabs and gave him the address of the psychiatric hospital. It was always the same one—Cheboksary only had the one—so I didn't even bother stopping by the hotel. I was about to text Vanessa just to get her off my back—mostly because I knew she'd send my father's men after me. Last time I didn't tell anyone where I was, it turned into a full-on action movie scene, with everyone thinking I was being kidnapped by some enemy of my father. I accidentally hurt a few too many people... they're better now. Hopefully enjoying the peace of the "great beyond."
Once I got there, I paid the driver and walked into the place I barely knew. Usually, by the time I visited, he'd already been discharged. I never had to visit while he was admitted—though that didn't mean I didn't know the visiting hours by heart.
—Здравствуйте, могу ли я увидеть пациента Демира Осоклу?
Hello, may I see patient Demir Osoclu?
My Russian wasn't great, but I guess the woman understood me, because she nodded and began typing.
—Пациенту запрещены посещения до дальнейшего уведомления.
The patient is not allowed visitors until further notice.
Before I could protest, his voice calling my name made me turn around—only to meet those deep, dark eyes, impossibly black. I walked over and kissed him. The contact was pure temptation. Every second, his lips moved against mine like they knew exactly what they were doing—and still, the desperation in them was crazy.
—мой северный полюс —he said, pulling back slightly.
—You're such an idiot, Osoclu. What kind of mess have you gotten yourself into now? —I scolded him. He just laughed.
—Probably nothing as dramatic as the kind of mess you get into daily. —I rolled my eyes.
—At least I don't screw up everything like some people do. —I pulled away from him completely.
He was about to say something when a doctor came over, clearly signaling us to keep our distance.
—нет посещений, Osoclu.
No visits, Osoclu.
—Но она приехала из Швейцарии, чтобы увидеть меня.
But she came all the way from Switzerland to see me. —he added.—Всего час, обещаю не устраивать сцен.
Just one hour. I promise not to cause a scene.
—и я прослежу, чтобы он сдержал свое обещание.
And I'll make sure he keeps that promise. —I said, cutting in. I could feel Demir's gaze on me after saying the most dishonest thing ever. The doctor stared at us for a few seconds.
—Ладно, на этот раз всего полчаса.
Fine. Just thirty minutes this time.
He walked over to the nurse to give her some instructions, mentioning Demir along the way, while Demir led me down a few hallways to what looked like the guest patio.
—Now are you going to tell me what you did? —I asked first thing.
—Nothing serious. —He shrugged.—Just took a few little animals' lives.
—What kind of "little animals"? —I asked seriously.
—If you think they were people, my mother hasn't found that out yet.
—Your mother?
—Yeah, my mother. She caught me cutting up some cats and made a huge scene, said I was probably relapsing and that she'd rather check me in before that happened. —He said it with zero emotion.—Besides, it's just two months. It won't ruin our Florence trip.
—What did those cats ever do to you? —He laughed at my comment.
—Maybe just being my late brother's favorite animal. Anyway... you staying at the same hotel?
—Why?
He leaned in until we were face to face.
—мой северный полюс, how are you just going to show up here and expect me to be satisfied with one kiss?
—What if they catch you? Won't that turn into more than two months? —I asked, nervous. No doubt, he was insane.
—They won't. Everything will go smoothly. You and I are seeing each other tonight—because I doubt you came all the way here just to scold me, hear my side of things, and leave without a proper dose of sex.
—Have I ever told you you're an idiot? —I gave him a little shove to create some distance.
—Once or twice. But I always translate it as "I can't live without you." —I rolled my eyes. He just laughed.
—If you keep it up, the ghost in that damn hotel is going to curse you, Demir. I'm warning you. —He raised his hands in surrender.
—Easy there, tiger. —Before I could say anything else, he leaned in and kissed me. His kiss was rougher, more desperate—just like mine—because that's what happens when two people haven't seen each other in a long time. No doubt about it, tonight would be pure chaos.—If you keep kissing me like that, I swear on my life I'll always be at your feet—especially because I'd never leave you.
—Do you promise?
—I promise, мой северный полюс. "
That day—or rather, that night—everything went well. Everything except that promise he... he couldn't keep... because he never accounted for the cruelty and injustice of life's plans.
Mathias had helped me get dressed, brought me a sedative—which I didn't hesitate to take. I needed it. I still need it, more than ever. Even if just for a few hours... even if tomorrow I'll probably feel worse.
—Do you want me to stay with you? —his voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
—I want to be alone.
He thought about it for a second, then kissed my forehead and walked away. My eyelids soon felt heavy from the sedative—until everything went completely dark.
✧────── ༉───✦───༉ ─────✧
The rays of sunlight flooded the room, and still, I refused to set even one foot out of bed. I'd been tossing and turning, pretending to sleep even before the sun came up. 'What's the point of getting up? Of keeping up the charade? What sense does it make now that he's not...?'
Two days had passed since his death. I hadn't gone out. The only one who came in was Mathias, trying to get me to eat something or just sitting with me... just sitting there in silence, sharing my grief.
The sound of two knocks echoed through the bedroom. Still, I didn't respond. I heard voices whispering, but made no effort to understand them, until the door creaked open and footsteps followed. I didn't bother to look.
—Nefertary. —I let out a sigh at that voice.
—You can't keep wasting your time like this. —I said nothing.—I know everything now. —I expected some kind of scolding for my immature decision, but it didn't come.
—Are you going to stay like this?... do nothing? —The weight of her body sank into the mattress, and when I felt her hand on my shoulder, a shiver ran down my spine from her touch.—Daughter... the Nefertary I know would already be plotting something twisted against that bastard. You can't just do nothing...
—What for? —I turned to look at Vanessa.
—Tell me, what for? Is it going to bring my father back to life? —She didn't answer, but neither did she look away.
—Tell me, "mother," is revenge going to bring Demir back? —As soon as I said his name, the tears I'd been holding in broke free. —If only I had listened to you...
—Don't say that. You wouldn't be you if you didn't challenge me every chance you got. —That drew a bitter laugh from me.
—That's the problem... I never knew who I was or who I am... I was just following your damn rules... just fitting your standards, Vanessa. —I made no effort to hide the bitterness in my voice. She tried to get closer; I stepped back immediately.
—Get out.
—Nefert...
—GET OUT! —I yelled. She stood still for what felt like an eternity.
—Fine, but you can't drown yourself in a pit, Ibagón. You can't live the rest of your life like this. —I was losing my patience. I was already standing by the bed.
—In case you haven't noticed, your daughter's been in that pit for a while now, and she just hit rock bottom. —I swear I saw a flicker of empathy in her eyes, but it didn't take long for that familiar emptiness to return.
—Serene...
—No. —I cut her off.
—You're the last person I want to see. Just go, Vanessa. Just let me be free... let me be me... not some "perfect and polite" puppet that fits your expectations. —Deep down, I wanted her to say something, maybe even 'I'm sorry'... but she didn't. She just walked away.
I never wanted a loving mother, but a little empathy wouldn't have hurt. But this is Vanessa Ziegler we're talking about... nothing good ever comes from anyone with that last name.
I got out of bed and locked the door behind her. I let myself slide down until I was sitting against it. The coldness of the wooden door pressing against my back was the only thing that reminded me I was still here, in this miserable room. I breathed in. Once. Twice. Three times. But no matter how many times I tried, the tightness in my chest wouldn't go away.
I don't even know how long I sat there. All I know is my eyes drifted toward that wooden box Osoclu had given me... I hesitated, but still, my feet carried me toward it. I opened it. It was the first time I had done so. I hadn't had time before. I reached in and pulled out a random letter to read.
Letter:
Russia, February 14th, 2021.
мой северный полюс, today's the day for lovebirds... so I'm busy sending everyone off to stupid romantic dinners and all that cheesy crap.
I know I shouldn't say it, but these people cheat every five seconds anyway—but damn, babe, at least they're getting some good sex tonight. I'll make sure you pay me back when I see you.
You know? I still remember the first time I saw you. I thought you were just some kid who didn't know what she was doing up on that wall. One of those bratty little girls... and I was shocked when you answered me back so rudely for someone your age... but even better was when I saw those beautiful eyes of yours—those colors so striking, so tempting. I swear, that day I just wanted to kiss you, even though I had no idea how I'd pull it off. Speaking of kisses, that blow you gave me right in the crotch? Still hurts. It was ironic and kind of hilarious that out of all the ways I thought you might react when I was about to give you your first kiss... you did that. And me? Instead of ghosting you like any other teenager might've done... I kept chasing after you. But come on, we were never normal, and we never will be. So, мой северный полюс, here I am like an idiot, writing you letters every single day I don't get to see your face.
And since it's Valentine's Day—the day of pathetic cheaters—"Concedimi" by Matteo Romano is my new music find. It's delightfully melancholy :)
'Was I crying my eyes out? Of course... of course I was... it's like he's still here, like he's just in Russia, like he never came back here, like I never lost him.' I try to catch my breath, then get up, grab my phone, and type in the name of the song.
As soon as I hit play, a soft piano melody begins. My whole body shudders. As the music continues, more tears fall. I don't even try to hold them back. I can only picture his face, his voice singing this song to me—even if it was completely off-key. His Italian, pronounced with that heavy Russian accent, used to throw my whole body into chaos with just a few notes.
—You didn't give me that last dance... or that last sunrise, Demir... you just left. —I whisper the last words, more to myself than anything.
✧────── ༉───✦───༉ ─────✧
I don't know how many hours I spent crying until I completely fell asleep, until I felt someone's hands stroking my hair. The scent of his cologne quickly filled my nostrils, telling me whose it was. I slowly opened my eyes to see those blue ones.
—I didn't want to wake you —he said softly.
—You didn't.
I shifted to sit up in bed. We stayed silent for a few seconds.
—Have you eaten anything? —I already knew the answer, so I didn't even try to deny it. —Good... I have a little surprise.
—Surprise? —At this point, nothing could surprise me, especially not in this state.
—Yes, surprise. Although... to see it, you're going to have to go out to the garden. —I was about to protest, but Mathias put his index finger on my lips. —Just one minute, Serene. Just one. After that, you can come right back, okay?
Maybe his voice didn't show the silent plea his eyes were demanding of me. I took a few seconds, then nodded. He kissed me on the lips.
—Don't keep them waiting then.
—Who? —I asked.
—For that, you have to come out, Nefertary.
Doubtful, I followed him. He took my hand as we left the bedroom. We went down the stairs and took the path that led to the garden. Once there, the furry balls caught my attention. Ludwig whistled to call them; they came running without hesitation. Of course, I knew them...
"Two weeks earlier
—What was the emergency for me to be here? —I asked Demir as I entered his apartment, but before I could speak, some howls caught my attention. I gave him a look; he was grinning from ear to ear. —Puppies?
—Not just any puppies.
Then he started walking toward the other side of the apartment. I didn't hesitate to follow his lead. The howling grew louder until I could see those furry balls. Their peculiar fur, and those eyes both challenging and divine, so typical of huskies.
I crouched down to pick one up, and it didn't hesitate to lick my cheek, causing a tickle that made me laugh.
—I knew you'd like them.
—Since when?
—I'd planned it for a while, but I didn't want them to grow up away from their mother... so why not now? —He crouched and took the other puppy.
—Good thing, so I can punish you if you hurt them.
—Do you really think I'd hurt them?
—It's a possibility, Osoclu. Given what you did with the cats, who's to say they won't be the exception?
—You know the reason for the cats, Serene. They're the exception. —He came closer and gave me a quick kiss.
—Why two? —I shrugged.
—Maybe because I'm not home all day. Besides, having only one here didn't catch my attention as much.
—Do you know the consequences of that decision? —I asked jokingly while walking to the sofa to sit with the puppy. Osoclu did the same.
—Yeah... soon I'll see this place torn apart by their energy attacks. Unless I wear them out first.
—We should schedule our time so that doesn't happen then —the other puppy came over to sniff me. I looked at Osoclu again. —What? —I asked, noticing he was just staring at me.
—Now you understand why they couldn't grow up away from you.
—Because you're a total disaster, with a passing interest, who couldn't live without me? —He laughed.
—You couldn't have put it better. —This time I shrugged.
—Do they have names?
—I have two in mind —I gestured for him to continue—. Ragnar for the male... means lethal strength and primitive loyalty. You agree?
—Very masculine, though quite fitting for their father's character —he just smiled. —And the other?
—She's a female. What better than Nyra, whose name means lethal and silent beauty, like a moonless night. Just like her mother.
I smiled to myself as I watched those two furry balls playing with each other."
—Ragnar and Nyra —I said just as they stood on their hind legs for me to pet them. I bent down without hesitation. They wagged their tails from side to side, making me smile.
—Steven got a call from the building where... he rents. Apparently, these little ones wouldn't stop making noise, catching the neighbors' attention —how had I forgotten about them... they must've been starving all this time.
—Have you ea...?
—Yes. Before bringing them here, I gave them some kibble and water to quench their thirst.
—Thanks! —It's all I could say, more for myself than for them, for not being left completely alone. I could tell my eyes were watery again.
—Always a pleasure —He reached out to wipe a tear from my face—. Now you have to be strong for them... I think that's what he wanted.
He was right... I just didn't know where to find the strength to keep standing... it would probably be hard, heavy, but I was going to try—for those furry balls, because that's how Osoclu would have wanted it.
✧────── ༉───✦───༉ ─────✧
Four weeks later
When those two shrinking furry balls entered my life, I took my time to reflect, to find out who I really am. The first week wasn't one of my best, though I was sinking, I at least tried to do the basics: go for walks in the garden, read a little... I got lost in my thoughts and ended up crying... no longer just in my room. Still, I tried to keep standing. That week I didn't go to school, not even when my father died.
The second week, I decided to leave the mansion's grounds. Not for me... rather, Ludwig took it upon himself to find the perfect excuse, using Ragnar and Nyra, of course, without tiring me too much. It was surprising how patient he could be. If it were the other way around... well, that was never my strong suit.
The third week, Vanessa forced me to rejoin school. I wasn't too lost on the subjects and tests, since she made sure the principal talked to the teachers. They sent me a guide of what they were teaching, not to mention Michael, Brambilla, Kellyn, Jason, and Mathias brought me notes from classes we shared.
I must admit, when I went back, when I was in the classrooms and the teacher of X subject started talking, my mind wandered, I was absent though physically present. Mathias would snap me out of that trance every now and then.
By the fourth week, I was reintegrating my language courses, sports... everything I used to do, so to speak. Only with the detail that I went from being the best to somewhere in the middle. I couldn't fully understand what the teachers told me in those languages. Sports was another madness; I acted on impulse, out of anger; I didn't even anticipate the coach's moves, until I ended up crying... broken. Instead of hurting less, it got worse. I came to the conclusion that I would never stop feeling that, but I know someday I'll know how to deal with the pain or learn to live with it.
It was a Friday. Night was falling. Nyra and Ragnar were with me in my room, as well as Mathias. We were supposedly doing chemistry homework, or rather, he was doing all of it. I just watched.
I still remember that first week I didn't want his company at night. The second week, I only wanted someone by my side, and who else but that dark-haired boy, on whose chest I ended up crying until I fell asleep. Not to mention those dreams where Demir appeared... I'd wake up startled, and who was there to calm me down? Him.
—Nefertary? —I blinked twice to look into his eyes.
—What did you say?
—I'm done, want to do something? —he asked. I took my time, but my thoughts went to the place I hadn't been since his death.
—The cabin.
He just looked at me. He waited for me to change my mind, but I wasn't going to... I already knew who I was. I always knew who I was, only I refused to admit it because deep down I wanted a life like any other girl at school, without all this shit... one like Kellyn's or Luca's, for example...
'I'm Nefertary Serene Ibagon Ziegler, the girl with twisted humor, who can't control her anger, who has emotions like a hurricane, who's always pretended to be normal, perfect, kind, and knows how messed up that is, whose number one hobby is torture, accompanied by games, and egocentric songs. So if those enemies thought they would finish me off completely, they underestimated me. Maybe they have the advantage, maybe they're already making their next move. But they forgot something that's mine: that... that I will never, ever stop loving what clings to my soul... chaos and that blessed crimson liquid. So...'
—The game isn't over, Ludwig. I'm still in the play.